Shattered
by laurapreponfan
Summary: Vauseman A/U. How can two pieces of a puzzle so broken and jagged fit so perfectly together? Rated M due to sex, drugs, and language.
1. Chapter 1

**1**

It all started with a loud crash.

With the broken pieces of a white plate and food scattered all over the floor, Piper Chapman did not notice the green eyes piercing through her as she hurriedly cleaned up the mess she had created, picking up the pieces with trembling hands and watery eyes. She softly laughed humourlessly at the sight. Because it suddenly dawned on her how it was as if her entire life was in front of her.

 _Useless._

 _Scattered._

 _Broken._

And all that was left for her to do was pick up those that she could, knowing it would never be fixed nor go back to the way it was anyway. Her tears started to fall one by one, because every damn thing in front of her right now seemed like it was _mocking_ her for every _stupid_ life choice she'd made, for every _wrong_ turn she took, for every _good_ thing she turned her back on.

Piper kept her head bowed, her body crouched down, as she continued cleaning up, still unaware of the eyes watching her until she felt movement above her. She ignored whatever or whoever it was, knowing it was just another customer without a care in the world with what was happening to her. To them, she was just another human being, expected to do her job properly, _something she couldn't even do_ , and she was fine with that to be honest. Every day of her life for the past four months, she waited tables, she served food and drinks, occasionally serving them to wrong people, sometimes spilling them over someone. It was a constant happening in her life and not one person had cared enough to even ask a single thing about her (not that it really mattered).

 _Until now._

 _"Hey, are you okay?"_

It was asked with a deep, raspy voice so good it was like pure sex. Piper was certain that the voice came from a woman, and before she could even look up to the person who decided to take a little time of her day to bother asking her if she was okay, the woman's emerald green eyes, hidden beneath black-framed glasses, were already levelled with hers. And God was she taken aback by all the emotions that rushed through her as she stared back at the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen her entire life, despite the barrier that were her glasses. Her eyes went down to the other woman's nose then to her full lips causing her to absentmindedly slightly trace her tongue on her bottom lip. She had white porcelain skin, a very beautiful contrast to her long, black hair cascading down her shoulders accentuated by its striking blue tips. She was beautiful, _achingly so_ , and she felt strange because she had never reacted this way towards another woman before.

There was a reason why it didn't matter much that no one paid any attention to her. It was because she never liked to bother herself to pay attention to anyone, too. She was fine being on her own, she loved the solitude. She found solace at the fact that she didn't need to look out after anyone but herself. It wasn't really much about her being selfish. It was simply because she already found it hard to straighten her own life, so why still bother pulling anyone towards the shitty excuse for a life that she had?

But right now, hearing those words from a complete stranger, excruciatingly gorgeous one at that, she started wondering how her life might have changed if she had s _omeone_ who took care of her, _someone_ who paid attention, _someone_ who could have made her life a little bit more worth living... just s _omeone._

The strangeness of her thought, mainly because it stemmed from a not-even-in-the-slightest-bit-complex question of "Are you okay?" was slapped in her face when she realized that she had actually been asked a question. But given the fact that it was the first person _ever_ who had actually cared to ask how she was doing, she didn't know how to react to it, the _proper_ way. So she quickly stood back up, and stepped back a little, gaining her a safe distance from the woman who had by now stood back up as well, looking at her confused by her reaction to a s _imple_ fucking question.

"Oh hey," the black-haired woman raised both her hands skyward, her palms facing her as if surrendering to someone, "I'm not gonna do anything to you, kid."

 _Kid_.

It was slightly unnerving to be called that especially since Piper hadn't felt that way ever since she could remember. It was like she got out of her mother's womb and went straight to adulthood since she had become so adamant to forget all that there was in her childhood, the constant fights between her parents, every damn thing thrown into walls, sometimes directly at each other, all the nights her father went home drunk, and all the days she woke up with her mother out before she could even blink. It was a life that would give all the fucking dramatic films a run for their money, and she had tried so painfully hard to rid herself of those memories, going straight to that time of her life when her parents did not exist anymore. Not that anything after that fared much better, though. But it was the lesser of two evils and it's all she could ever ask for, _really_.

But having this woman call her "kid," in the least literal way possible, she suddenly felt like one, backing away like a scared little girl who had been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to do. She felt so little compared to her. She was _tall_ (a few inches taller than her, which was saying a lot since she was already tall herself), _gorgeous_ (the kind which made you want to waste your day staring at her without making you feel like you'd wasted your day at all), and sexy (her white v-neck shirt was hugging her curves in all the right places, tucked inside her ripped jeans that fit her so perfectly). But what made her stand out even more was the way she carried herself which only screamed utter confidence, something she'd rarely seen in her entire 24 years of existence.

The taller woman spoke again, and Piper was slightly taken aback by how gentle her voice was. "I just... noticed that you were... crying." She paused then shook her head. "...which, I realize now, is actually a stupid question. Of course, you're not okay."

She wasn't sure why she suddenly felt warmth all over her chest looking at this woman show concern for her when she didn't even know her. _"So, that's how it feels like,"_ she thought. This was what it felt to have someone wonder whether she was okay or not. And just like that, she felt a whole lot better. "No, I'm okay. I'm sorry. I'm just a little overdramatic sometimes." She tried to smile but it was so bleak she might as well just didn't try. "I'm fine," she added as she wiped the tears that had now settled on her cheeks. She noticed how the raven-haired tilted her head a little, evidently unconvinced of her answer. "Really."

The other woman just nodded without removing her eyes from her, and Piper suddenly felt shy, as if she was not worth looking at like that so she looked down on the floor and that's when she remembered what she was supposed to be doing at that moment. She shook her head, quite furiously, wanting to break herself out of the trance that the other woman seemed to have pulled her to, and started cleaning up again.

"Let me help you," the other woman offered, as she, too, had started picking those broken pieces in front of them both. And just like that, she suddenly wished someone had helped her pick up the broken pieces of her pathetic excuse for a life, too, when there was still a chance. But how could that be possible when she herself had made it sure that no one could come even remotely close to the life she had made for her own? This stoicism from everyone and everything that there was in this world was something of a life choice she'd made consciously and there was no way in hell she could put that kind of blame on anyone.

"Hey, please don't," she worriedly said, and she looked at the raven-haired woman, pleadingly. "If my boss sees you, she's gonna kill me." But truthfully, it wasn't really that that scared her. She could get fired for all she cared. It was more of her pathetically trying to distance herself _yet again_ from someone who wanted to try and help her. It was an agonizing trait but she couldn't find any way to get herself away from it.

"I'm pretty certain she won't," she smirked. It wasn't an innocent smile, it was far from it. It was something that should serve as a warning, something that screamed _"Stay away from me or you're gonna be ruined in the most delightful way possible"_ and yet she felt so astonishingly assured that she wouldn't get her into any trouble. She continued helping her, despite all the protests and the subtle brushing of fingertips that surprisingly (and scarily) sent shivers down her spine and after about a minute or so, they were again standing right in front of each other, looking into each other's eyes, searching for something they both know was _missing_.

"Thank you," the blonde whispered, unable to move her feet. She should be moving away from her now. She shouldn't even be standing here in the first place, with a customer who just helped her clean up her shit, and yet she stayed still, still holding the girl's gaze. "I... I should—"

But before she could say another word, the last person she wanted to be here right now came striding inside. "What the hell happened here?" She looked at her boss, her red hair as bright as it could get, speak in her thick Russian accent while she stood at the doorway in her usual ill-tempered manner. Piper opened her mouth to speak, grappling for what to say but no words would come out.

"It's my fault, Red."

She was so surprised her head snapped so quickly towards that voice that sounded so beautiful to her ears. She couldn't believe that the raven-haired woman just took the blame for something that wasn't even close to being her fault. She tried to speak again, wanting to tell Red what _really_ happened but the woman beat her to it again.

"She was just passing by and I dumbly ran into her. You know me, klutzy and all. I'm sorry."

"Jesus Christ, Vause, not even an hour in town and you already made a mess. What should I expect for the next 24 hours then?" The voice that was followed by a booming laugh, came from another person, something she again recognized this time. It was from the bushy-haired (Piper was pretty sure she hadn't seen a hair brush her entire life) 'foster' daughter, or whatever she liked to call it, of Red, Nicky Nichols. She came to the diner every now and then, always with her smug look and not-a-care-in-the-world behaviour, and she's the closest to a f _riend_ Piper could call. As if picking that up as her cue, she hurriedly went back inside to where she _belonged_ , but not before she could throw another glance back at her 'saviour', whom she now knew as _Vause_.

Surely, that was a last name, right?

But much to her surprise, s _he_ was looking at her, too. And somehow, that look that she just gave her totally made her feel that this was not going to be the last time they'd ever see each other. And without ever admitting it to herself, she looked forward for that day to come.

-o-o-o-

One hour.

One fucking hour since she'd been back and Alex Vause had already found herself in yet another mess. Even though taking the blame for something she didn't do paled massively to every fucked up thing she'd gotten herself into ever since she could remember, it was still _trouble._ And trouble was the first thing she had promised herself to stay away from when she decided to turn her life around and go back to the place she vowed she'd never go back to again.

When she saw that blue-eyed blonde almost fall down on the floor in a hurry to clean up the mess she didn't even mean to create, she honestly wanted to ignore her. She had made a pact with herself to stay away from anyone, with the exception of Nicky and Red, the only people left for her to call family, and she wasn't planning to break that pact, as pathetic as it was since she made it with _herself._ But one look at _her_ and she knew she had to help. She didn't know why, and she didn't even bother knowing. She just knew. She _felt._

Which was perplexing to say the least because she no longer felt. Ever since that night when her whole life crumbled right in front of her, in just a blink of an eye, she'd lost _everything_ , and came with it were all her emotions and her ability to feel. Ever since that night, she's never felt so _empty_. She knew that night ruined her beyond repair and there was nothing she could do to stop the swirling darkness that engulfed her. And even if she could, she wouldn't do anything to stop it. Because she _deserved it._ And so ever since that night, she had never allowed herself to feel again.

 _Until now._

The moment she set her feet in Red's diner, she already noticed her. The way she tried to _hide_ her face, the way she _avoided_ eye contact, the way she _distanced_ herself from everyone. She knew by then that it was what drew Alex to her. Because she could see how broken the girl was, exactly like the way she was broken, too.

But what really caught Alex's attention the most was her eyes so blue you'd think you were looking into the massiveness of an ocean. She was expecting to see _nothing_ the moment she looked into them. She expected to see _emptiness_ , because it's all she ever saw when she looked into her own. But nothing would have prepared her for what she'd see because those eyes, those bright blue eyes did not only look so beautifully, they also screamed _hope_ and _longing_ , as if waiting for someone to pull them from nothingness, to pull them into a world with something, _anything_. And for the first time in a really long time, Alex wanted that for herself, too.

She never felt. She shouldn't. Not again.

"Yo? Earth to Vause! What, am I talking to air here?!"

Alex almost dropped the mug she was holding when Nicky snapped her fingers right in front of her face. She didn't realize she had once again dropped on the phase of the earth until her best friend got her attention back. To say Nicky looked annoyed was an understatement. "What? I'm sorry. You were saying?"

Nicky shook her head. Alex knew she had a lot of questions. And she could see how much she's dying to ask them but Alex wasn't ready to answer any of those yet. "What the hell happened to you, Vause? You've been gone for more than a year. No phone calls, not even a damn text, nothing. _Jesus_ , I thought you were fucking dead."

 _"I was,"_ Alex thought to herself knowing that was the only word that could describe her during those times, d _ead._ "I'm sorry I didn't call." And she was, more than she could ever say. She owed Nicky so much. She was always there for her, and she meant a _lways._ Even if it's three in the morning, one call and Nicky'd be on her doorway if she needed her to. But there were just some things that weren't as easy to voice out as one might think. "There was just too much going on."

She knew Nicky didn't believe her. If there was one person who knew her more than she knew herself, it was her best friend. A year, a decade could pass without them seeing each other and they'd still know each other like the back of their hands. But she was in no mood to tell everything to her. She would, eventually. But not now. Not just yet.

"When are you going back?"

It was the question she'd been waiting to hear from her ever since they sat here. Nicky knew how much she hated this place. Ever since her mother died almost two years ago, she tried avoiding going back here at all costs, which made her love the perks that came with her job, _former_ job, even more. The travels all over the world only came second to the rush that her job gave her, the sense of control. But that was until the only person she'd ever been with ever since she was born passed away. When Diane Vause died, a part of Alex died, too, and from then on, the fact that her job allowed her to go to any part of the world and keep her from coming back here had become the most important aspect of it. It allowed her to _run away_ from the truth that her mother had left her, and that she wasn't ever coming back.

"I'm not." She could see the surprise on Nicky's face the moment those words left her mouth. She couldn't really blame her. She was surprised by this decision, too.

"You're not?"

"Yeah. I'm staying, Nicky. There's nothing to go back to anymore."

"But... what about your work?" Nicky knew how much she loved her job, no matter how dangerous it was. It was what _gave_ her everything she had right now. But what her best friend didn't know was that it was also what _took_ everything from her.

"I'm out." She shrugged her shoulders, acting as if Nicky should've expected her answer.

"What? Jesus fucking Christ, Alex! What _really_ happened? Are you planning on telling me anything at all? Since when? And how? You told me before you could never get out. What changed?"

 _"Everything."_ But then again, how could she possibly voice this out loud when she wasn't prepared to say the explanation that came with it yet? "I'm 28 Nichols, don't you think it's time to change my profession?" Even she cringed at the conspicuousness of her answer.

"Bullshit, Vause! Did you really think I'd buy that?"

She sighed, unsure how to dodge this question for now. "It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I'm staying. Aren't you happy? I know how much you missed me." She tried to smile, genuinely. She wouldn't say it out loud but she missed Nicky. Whenever she was with her, it always felt like nothing could ever go wrong. Just like now.

Nicky looked at her and she wasn't stranger to that kind of look. It was her best friend telling her that she knew Alex was hiding something from her but she understood if she wasn't ready to tell her yet but she would have to, eventually. She nodded her head, in a silent agreement to stop asking questions for now. "Oh, fuck off." She tried to fight the grin that was slowly forming on her lips, to no avail.

"Come on, Nicks. Admit it. I can see it in your eyes." Alex started chuckling, something she hasn't done in a really long time. But her chuckle felt hollow. Nicky did not need to know that, though.

"Well, as much as I abhor admitting this—"

" _Abhor?_ Fuck Nicky, did you finally decide to buy a dictionary?" Again, Alex chuckled only to be answered by Nicky's middle finger. "Fine, I'm sorry. You were saying?" she asked, unable to stifle the laugh that came out.

Nicky again shook her head, but this time with a small smile on her lips, somehow telling Alex what she was meant to say even before she said it. "Yeah, Vause. I missed you, you little piece of shit."

-o-o-o-

Piper's shift came to its end at 12 midnight. She was supposed to be closing up by now but she just felt so exhausted that she had to sit for a while to stop the constant throbbing of her head. She looked back at her day and couldn't help but shake her head because nothing today should make any difference as compared to every other day she's had. Except there was.

 _Vause._

It's the name that had been nagging her for hours now. It's that name and those emerald green eyes that spoke so much and yet didn't say enough. She kept thinking about her, that woman who had made her day different from all the days she's had in a really long time... that woman who asked her if she was okay... that woman who helped her when she wasn't supposed to, _when she didn't have to_.

Piper wondered who she was, and how she knew Red and Nicky. She's been working here for months now but it's the first time she'd seen her. Piper wondered why she was here, in this shitty place with all those shitty people, herself included. She didn't belong here. That woman had something in her that said she deserved to be in a much better place. And yet somehow, deep within Piper, she wished that woman stayed, no matter what that meant for her.

She was still deep in her thought when she heard someone open the door. She was back in the storage room and she knew that she had already put up the "Closed" sign so there was no way whoever was entering was a customer. Fear crept within her and she slowly stood up and absentmindedly gripped a knife that was always hidden somewhere inside the room. She could hear footsteps and then clinking of utensils and chinas outside and her heart beat inside her chest so loudly. She walked towards the door that connected the storage room from the main diner carefully, afraid to announce her presence to the intruder when she heard loud crash and the last voice she was expecting to hear.

 _"Shit!"_

Piper stood frozen on the spot upon hearing the woman's voice. She couldn't be mistaken. It was that same voice that's been bugging her the whole day. It's _her_. She felt her heart beat even faster, but this time, it was because of a different kind of nervousness. And then without a doubt, she dropped the knife carefully at one of the tables and walked out.

"H-hello?" she spoke, w _hispered_ , in the dark. She could see the silhouette of the raven-haired woman and she was amazed by how she looked, despite the darkness. She couldn't make out anything else, really, except the woman's shadowed contour and yet she couldn't help but be filled with astonishment with the way that woman made her feel. She then switched on the light and inhaled deeply, gathering energy to face the woman that occupied her mind the whole day.

And there she was, in all her glory, standing like a picture-perfect model you only saw in movies and magazines. But this time, she wasn't looking back at her. She was staring at the broken mug that lay on the floor. Then ever so slowly, she finally put her gaze on her.

Then she smiled. But Piper noticed that the smile didn't reach her eyes. "Seems like every time we see each other, something has to be broken, huh?"

Piper nodded her head in agreement, unbeknownst to her that the other woman wasn't really talking about the broken mug underneath her. "Let me get that," she hurriedly gathered a sweeper and a dustpan before proceeding to where the broken pieces of mug were scattered.

"Hey, no. I did this. Come on, I should be the one cleaning it up."

"You helped me earlier. It's only right that I return the favour."

So she swept until the floor was clean again, going back to the storage room only to leave it there, knowing she'd be the one to clean it up later today anyway. When she came back, her companion was still standing the way she left her.

"Thanks," she said, almost in a whisper.

"Don't worry about it."

The raven-haired started walking towards one of the stools but almost bumped into a table causing her to lose balance, but thankfully, Piper had rushed towards her keeping her from falling. She gripped both her arms to steady her from behind but immediately let go when she felt as if electricity ran through her from feeling the other woman's skin against her palms. Fortunately, the taller girl managed to keep standing as she held onto the table in front of her.

"You're drunk," Piper said as if it wasn't so obvious already. She caught the faint smell of alcohol from the woman but she still smelled so good with the combined scent of strawberries and something she still couldn't put her finger on. Bottom line: she smelled so good Piper didn't even realize she was already closer to her than she was supposed to.

Then without a warning the other woman turned around and Piper was taken aback by her sudden nearness. "You think?" she asked with that smirk again, obviously not bothered by the way they were standing, their faces only a few inches from each other. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was just her plain confidence but she didn't seem like she wanted to widen the gap at all.

So it was Piper who had to back away as quickly as she could, not trusting herself to be in this close proximity with anyone, especially with someone who was making her heart race in ways she hadn't ever felt before. "Yeah, well..." she looked everywhere else, anywhere, just not at _her_. She was looking at her like she wanted to bore a hole in her head and Piper couldn't bring herself to hold that kind of gaze.

"I'm Alex."

 _Alex_. Finally.

"Piper." Alex was still looking at her the same way and all of a sudden, Piper felt like she had to grapple for some air. "Uhm, look why don't you sit for a while, while I go make you some coffee? That's why you're here, right? That explains the, uh, broken mug?"

"No. Yeah, I mean, no. You don't need to do that. I'm fine," she said waving her hand into the air, her words slurred.

Piper could see that she wasn't fine, though. She could hardly stand straight and her eyes were drooping and she could see her struggle to keep them open. But there was something in her that said Piper shouldn't insist, like she didn't _want_ any help, so she didn't. "Uhm, all right then. I gotta close up. Do you still need to stay?"

"No. Come on, I'll help you close this shit up."

There's that word again. _Help_. How many times was this woman planning to do this for her? Sure, they may be just little things for her, for _Alex_ , but they weren't for Piper. It was a big fucking deal. And what was it with her wanting to help Piper all the time, but didn't want to take help for herself? "I can do it. I can see that you're not in the right state to be doing anything right now."

"All right."

Piper was thankful that she didn't insist anymore, probably because she knew that she really couldn't be of much help anyway, and so she went back to the storage room, gathered her things then went back out to check if everything was in place. She was expecting Alex to be gone by then but she was still where she left her. Surprisingly, Piper was glad she still was.

Then, after being sure that everything was all set, she walked towards the door, followed by the raven-haired woman who thankfully now looked a little bit more sober, but obviously was not yet sober e _nough_. When they were outside, she locked the door, aware that Alex still hadn't left.

"There," she announced after she'd made sure that the place was locked properly. "So, uh, I should go," Piper said as she shifted her weight on her right foot, not sure why her nerves were going crazy around this woman.

"Okay. I should walk you home," she said with nonchalance that Piper was a little taken aback.

"What?" How could this woman act as if this was all so normal when they practically didn't know anything about each other yet, except their _names_? But Piper was lying to herself, though, if she didn't admit that she felt like she already _knew_ her, like she's known her all her life.

"I'll walk you home. I don't know where you live but I can walk with you," she added, trying to sound as coherent as she could.

Piper chuckled softly. "Uhm, looking at you, I think _I s_ hould be the one walking _you_ home."

"Wouldn't say no to that."

It wasn't really a suggestion from Piper. She wasn't trying to tell her that she wanted to take her home. But she found herself walking with the raven-haired in silence, enjoying the calmness that the woman seemed to have suddenly brought with them as they started walking.

"Why are you here?" Piper almost slapped herself by how rude she must have sounded, but thankfully, Alex just laughed at her ludicrous question.

"What?" she asked, with a chuckle, looking at her for the first time since they started walking.

And like a reflex, she looked away, looked at anywhere but her, and shook her head. "I mean, I didn't mean that in a bad way. I just... I've been in this place for quite some time and it's the first time I'm seeing you around. I almost thought you were just passing by, but seeing how close you were to Nicky, I'd say you've known her for quite some time."

"Oh, I see you've been observing me for quite a while there, kid," Alex said almost the same moment her chuckle turned into a teasing smirk. "But, you're right. I've known Nicky for quite some time now. Nope, actually that's an understatement. I've actually known her almost all my life. I don't know how I managed to last this long without throwing her under the bus because she's a big pain in the ass," she chuckled, like _really_ chuckle and it was the best fucking thing Piper had heard today.

Piper waited for her to answer the part about why she was here but few minutes had passed and she kept quiet. She also noticed how her chuckle turned into a gloomy expression almost as soon as it came out of her mouth and she couldn't dismiss the feeling that there was so much more in this person than what she was showing and Piper had this indescribable feeling of w _anting_ to know what it was. But she was letting it go for now. Soon, she'd know.

So they walked, one minute in silence, the next minute with Alex making inappropriate jokes to Piper. It had been a while since Piper felt so at ease with another person. She couldn't even remember the last time she had laughed this much. She didn't know Alex, she could be a really dangerous person for all she knew but Piper hadn't felt this _safe a_ nd _relaxed_ with any other person she knew. So she let go of all her doubts, and chose to go with what she was feeling at this exact moment, to _trust_ that Alex Vause was going to be that one person she'd always waited to be _different_ from everyone else.

Before she even realized it, they had stopped walking in front of a house that was familiar to her. She always walked past this house and she knew no one lived here. Well, now somebody did.

"This is me," Alex said, again with an unreadable expression on her face. "I'm sorry, I should've been the one to have walked you home," she added, now looking sincerely sorry that she hadn't walked Piper home.

And there it went again, the loud thumping in Piper's chest that she hadn't felt ever before. "Yeah, well. Maybe next time," she said, almost a whisper, a genuine smile etched on her face.

And for the first time ever since they met earlier today, Alex Vause smiled genuinely, not teasing nor mocking. That smile was without any pretenses. She really _smiled_. And it was the most beautiful smile Piper had ever seen.

"Good night, Piper."

"Good night, Alex."

And that's how Piper Chapman and Alex Vause came to be. Blue eyes meeting green ones, broken pieces of china, unreadable expressions, indescribable feelings, drunken jokes and dark, gloomy sky that somehow managed to bring together two pieces of a puzzle yet to be known to the two, jagged and broken yet unequivocally and undoubtedly perfectly made to fit together.

 **AUTHOR's NOTE**

So there! I've been wanting to do so ever since I finished writing it but I was having second thoughts, haha. But since my other story (How Long Will I Love You) is almost done, I decided to just post this. I don't know how you guys feel about this so please leave a review (good or bad!) if you want me to continue.

I know there are a lot of questions, especially regarding Alex's story here but eventually, they're gonna be revealed... I'd really love to know how you feel about this. Thank you, lovely people =)


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

Piper did not see Alex the next day.

She woke up that day with the strange feeling of having something _to look forward to_ , for the first time in _years_ , something she had never done in as long as she could remember. In fact it was the other way around, going to bed each night dreading for light to come once again. She felt safest in the dark because it hid her from the rest of the world that obviously hated her. And the unknown that the next day might bring terrified her in ways she knew she'd never understand. She closed her eyes every night not wanting to expect anything from the day she would be waking up to but that day after she met Alex was different.

She expected to see her, she wa _nted_ to see her.

She walked her way to work finding herself stop in front of Alex's house, lingering a little bit longer than she was supposed to. She found no signs of any life in there, just like any other previous days she would take notice of the slightly dingy house that looked as if it had survived so many years. But she attributed it to the fact that it was still really early for Alex to be awake, especially because she was pretty wasted the night before.

So she kept walking until she reached Red's Diner and started her work more chipper than usual. That was how her day started and as it progressed, she would constantly look at the door whenever she would hear it open, expecting to see a certain raven-haired woman only to be disappointed when it turned out to be a different person. So her day went like that until she was already closing the diner, feeling slightly, probably _more_ than she would ever admit to herself, frustrated that Alex didn't come. So she walked home, stopped in front of Alex's house once more, only to see the same thing she saw earlier that day and all the days before, the house still showed no sign of any life inside it.

The next two days weren't any different.

She still expected to see Alex, and she still _didn't_ show up. The disappointment within Piper kept growing by the minute, more than she would ever really acknowledge, because she really thought she'd see her again. She couldn't exactly blame herself because Alex hinted at seeing her again. Or did she really? Thinking back to that day they met, it was _her_ who had said the words ' _next time_ ' and Alex did not say anything back in agreement. She just smiled at her and said good night.

Realizing that, Piper felt despondence take over her and she scolded herself slightly for feeling this way towards someone she barely knew, or someone _at all_. Sure, there was something about Alex that urged her to w _ant_ to know more. That woman could only be described as a walking e _nigma_ and Piper wanted nothing but to unravel the mystery that was Alex Vause. In facade, Alex showed a strong and confident woman but Piper couldn't help but wonder whether there was weakness that hid behind that.

But with the recent turn of events, maybe there was no way for her to find out about that. Maybe Alex was not different. _Maybe_ she was just like anybody else.

She should be thankful, _really_. She had spent most of her life trying to avoid attachment to anyone, even _anything_ and she shouldn't be changing any of that just because of a woman she had interacted with twice. She didn't even understand whatever this was she was feeling towards Alex and maybe she should take her not showing up as a pretty big sign that she shouldn't take it any further, whatever that meant.

So she went on with her day that fourth day since she met Alex and she tried going through it just like any other day she's had for the past four month in this thankless job. Surprisingly, she was successful in ridding her mind of thoughts of Alex that day, and she was partly thankful to the swarm of people that kept coming into the diner. The fact that she was kept busy meant there was no way Alex-Vause-related-thoughts could occupy her mind for a while.

The day ended with Piper almost wanting to just crawl back home from too much exhaustion. She could barely feel her feet from all the walking and running and _sprinting_. She was inside the storage room again, about to close up the diner when déjà vu took over her and she suddenly started hearing footsteps from outside. And just like that previous night this first happened, she slowly walked her way towards the connecting door, but this time without any weapon on hand and somehow with a slight idea on whose footsteps those belonged to.

And there she was, leaning against the doorway with that smug look that Piper found startlingly attractive, wearing a black shirt that emphasized her assets underneath a black leather jacket and black jeans that fit her like a second skin completed by a pair of black biker boots. Piper thought she'd never seen black look so _beautiful_ on a person before. It was again dark in the room and Alex was illuminated by the light coming from outside like she was some holy figure that was only right to be knelt in front of. To say she looked even more gorgeous than the last time Piper saw her was an understatement. Her long blue-tipped jet-black hair only emphasized the gorgeousness Alex already exuded and Piper was in no way prepared for the rush of emotions that were only piling up every minute she kept staring at her.

And just like that, any doubts she had about getting herself even deeper into the hole she had dug that led to Alex were thrown away. She wanted to know this person more, she fucking _craved_ for it.

"Like what you see?" Alex asked, s _lurred_ , with a shit-eating grin that made Piper blush like a freaking 12-year old and look away immediately.

She wanted to disappear right there and then for having been caught staring but her _giddiness_ about seeing Alex again after too long a time won over any other emotions she was having at that moment so she silently told herself to just ' _Fuck it'_ and started (or rather, _continued_ ) the conversation.

"You know, I'm trying to remember the last time I saw you sober," Piper said in a surprisingly steady voice, not moving any closer to Alex because only God knew what she would do if she did. She now knew she could never trust herself around this person.

She could barely make out Alex's face from the dark but she could see her cock an eyebrow and a look of amusement was suddenly evident on her face. "You've only seen me three times, kid."

"Yeah? Well that's because you haven't shown up since." Piper almost swore at the slip up. She had practically told Alex how she'd been waiting for her to come over ever since they met, which was of course true, but Alex didn't really need to know that. She silently prayed the other woman would just ignore whatever she said.

But this was _Alex_ she was talking to. Even though Piper didn't really know her, she had this vibe that somehow made Piper believe she _always_ used these kinds of things to her advantage. And true enough, she did. "Hmm. Been waiting for me, I see." Alex looked so pleased with herself that Piper wanted to remove that smirk off her face but at the same time, she found herself fighting off a smile that was threatening to give her away, to reveal to Alex that she actually _liked_ this subtle flirting.

One did not need to be a genius to know that Alex was gay. There had been numerous of times when Nicky would mention a certain _best friend_ who liked to _fuck_ women just for the pleasure of it. She honestly thought Nicky was talking about a guy at first but when Alex mentioned Nicky being her best friend, she knew right then that she was who Nicky kept talking about. Add the fact that she had seen the difference of the way Alex interacted with guys as opposed to women that first day she was at the diner and Piper didn't really need any verbal confirmation about this anymore.

Piper on the other hand had never been with a woman before. She'd never even been attracted to them, in a romantic sense. Ever since, she's only had one serious relationship and a number of flings or one night stands or any label for a relationship without any emotional connection, all of which were with guys. She'd probably kissed a girl or two out of a dare or drunken shenanigans, but that was it. She'd never really considered herself as anything _other than_ straight so these strange feelings she was having towards this woman in front of her right now was puzzling her to her cores.

She knew this wasn't a _crush._ It was fucking _ridiculous t_ o call this that because first, she wasn't in freaking high school anymore, second and more importantly, the intensity of what she was feeling undeniably fell into a spectrum between anything more than infatuation and utter and irrevocable kind of love. And that's what's scary because that range contained an _infinite_ number of f _eelings_ balled into one continuum and she didn't know whether what she's feeling was something closer to the infatuation side or the _other_ scarier side. Which was nonsensical to say the least because she's only met this person four days ago, on three _brief_ occasions.

"Uh, you're here for coffee, yes?" Piper almost stammered, wanting to divert Alex's attention, albeit unsuccessfully because the other woman's face was still plastered with a teasing smirk.

"No, kid. I'm here to take you home."

Piper was on her way to the kitchen to grab some coffee but she was suddenly glued on her spot, somewhat dumbfounded. "What?" she said, looking at Alex with a slight chuckle, trying to come off as if she found Alex's _joke_ ridiculous, when in fact, her chest felt as if it was gonna explode because of the loud thumping of her heart.

"You told me the last time we saw each other that you'd let me take you home the _next time_. Well, this is the next time."

"You're kidding me, right?" asked Piper, still unable to w _ant_ to acknowledge the fact that she felt the need to grapple for some air to be able to function properly because this was the last thing she was expecting Alex to say.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

Of course, she did not. Alex looked serious, more than she'd ever been with Piper, which wasn't really saying much because, _again_ , they've only met twice before this, but it made Piper want to _hide_ , to _run_ from this. Because even though she kept allowing herself to feel these things, it still did not mean that she wanted whatever this was to go anything _beyond_ that. Sure, she wanted to _know_ more. But she wanted it to be in her terms so that if there was any need to finally stop and go the other way again, she would know what to do.

"Uhhh, yeah!" Piper said with a slight chuckle, trying to mask the nervousness that was seeping through every fibre of her being. "You're drunk. And what I meant with _next time_ was next time you're _sober_."

"Nope. You didn't say anything like that."

"Well, I'm telling you now, Alex. You can walk me home the next time you're sober. Deal?" But Alex was back with that shit-eating grin, and it was enough to make Piper's train of thoughts unravel. "What?"

"I just realized how much I like the sound of my name so much more coming from you." Piper opened her mouth to say something but before she could even think of a response that would make sense (because she now believed whatever would come out from her mouth would never come close to describing the feel of jolt of electricity that ran through her hearing Alex say those words, not that she would want to let Alex know that, really), Alex had spoken again. "But you got yourself a deal, kid. I get to walk you home the next time I'm _sober._ "

Piper felt herself relax for the first time ever since she had Alex in front of her tonight. And after a few seconds of realizing what just transpired between her and Alex, she found herself smiling like she'd never had ever since she and Alex parted ways the first day they met. "Good, now come on, let's get _you_ home then."

Minutes later, Alex and Piper were walking side by side again, this time a little closer than the first time they did, making small talks she knew Alex would forget the next day. She still couldn't walk straight and her words were still slurred, but Piper could not help but label this as the best conversation she had today, or any day for that matter.

Few more houses before they could reach Alex's place, Alex would ask the question that would change the direction whatever Alex and Piper had was taking, and take the control Piper thought she had over this that's happening to them.

"What time do you get off work tomorrow?"

"Uh, I don't. I mean, I'm taking the day off tomorrow." Piper wasn't looking at Alex so she had not seen the smile that had now formed on Alex's lips, the broadest smile she had allowed herself to have ever since she could remember.

"Good. Do you have a pen?"

"What?" asked Piper, now looking at Alex, a little confused by her question.

"Pen. Do you have one?"

"Uhh, here," said Piper as she took the pen she always had to have in her back pocket, a rule Red had insisted on all her employees, and handed it to Alex. The raven-haired took the pen and then grabbed Piper's arm, and Piper had to ignore the sudden sparks that seem to fly the moment Alex touched her, and then started writing numbers on it, which were, _was_ , obviously her number.

She let go of her arm and suddenly missed the feel of Alex's palm over her arm. "There. Give me a call tomorrow."

She stared at her arm, Alex's numbers scribbled over it, and couldn't help but smile. She then looked back at Alex who didn't know was staring at her until her own blue eyes met Alex's green ones. "Hmm, you do realize that you could've just typed your number on my phone, right?" Piper said, waving her phone in front of Alex's face.

Alex chuckled as she again grabbed Piper's arm and held it against her stomach to hold it in place. "Well, I like old school," she shrugged, still not letting go of Piper's arm.

"Yeah well why should I call you?" she asked, again trying to ignore the fact that Alex had taken her arm captive against her, and how much she liked the feel of their skin against hers, and how she wished they stayed that way a little longer this time.

"Because I'm taking you out, kid. You really look like you need it."

And before Piper even knew it, Alex was making her way inside her house, leaving her with thousand thoughts going through her mind, with only one thing registering clearly inside it.

Tomorrow, she was going out with Alex Vause.

-o-o-o-

Alex woke up with a raging headache and felt like someone was drilling a hole in her head. She had never been a lightweight, really. And she wasn't even _that_ drunk last night but maybe four straight nights (which would have been more if only she hadn't travelled back here and had to have one alcohol-free night) of drinking all kinds of alcohol she could take in, and that meant _a lot_ , had finally taken its toll on her. She tried opening her eyes but felt attacked by the light streaming through her window that she had to immediately shut it close again.

Not even a minute of waking up (and trying to go back to sleep again) she felt footsteps coming from outside of her room. And Alex knew very well the only person who had the audacity to come in and out of her house w _ithout_ having the need to ask for permission. Nicky. "Oh there you are! Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty. Your carriage awaits you."

The familiar voice of her asshole for a best friend boomed inside her room as she grabbed the end of the blanket strewn all over her and pulled it until it was off her body. If Alex wasn't having this massive headache, she would have kicked Nicky's ass by now, _literally_.

"Fuck off, Nicky! What do you want?!" she grumpily said as she put a pillow over her head, aware of the fact that Nicky liked to fuck with her and she was surely gonna yell only to rile her even more.

"I need an explanation on why I wasted an hour of my night last night looking for you when you were supposed to be with me the entire fucking night."

Alex was expecting Nicky to say some sarcastic shit but was surprised to see her slightly pissed. Alex did not make an attempt to answer, though. If this had happened months ago, Nicky wouldn't have cared if she just disappeared on her, but Alex noticed how her best friend had been extra apprehensive when it came to her lately. She should really understand where Nicky is coming from but it was becoming quite annoying to be treated like a child when Nicky knew that she could take care of herself.

"What?!" Nicky pressed on, throwing a pillow at Alex.

"Jesus Christ, why are you being such an asshole today?! No wonder you're single, you are such a fucking nagger," Alex complained, finally sitting up, before grabbing her glasses, blindly, because she still had her eyes closed, on her bedside table. "What are you doing here so fucking early?" she asked, still trying to dodge the question. She grabbed her phone to check the time and was surprised to see that it was almost one in the afternoon.

"I'm serious, Vause. Where the hell did you go and why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

"Why is this such a big deal? I do that all the time. _You_ do that all the time."

"It's not the same, okay? You're not—"

"What?"

She saw Nicky hesitate for a second before speaking. "It's just... ever since you came back, I've only seen you sober _once_. I mean, I know you're a fucking alcoholic, but... but not like this. You're acting really strange lately. What the hell really happened, Alex?"

Alex just sighed, a little pissed at Nicky for her questions, and even more pissed at herself for _everything_. She went back here hoping it would somehow make things a little better, hoping she could _forget_ but every fucking second still reminded her of everything she was trying to stop remembering. She knew it was pathetic to resort to alcohol but it's the only way she thought that was left for her to do. If she didn't do this, she knew she would finally break.

"What, you're really not gonna tell me? You used to tell me everything!"

"And nothing's changed, Nicky!" She pulled her glasses from her face and moved it over her head, looking Nicky in the eye, wanting to let her know that she was telling the truth.

"I don't know, Vause. That's not what it seems like to me."

Alex took a deep breath, knowing Nicky would not give this one up so easily. "Look, can we not do this right now, please? Not when I'm barely awake. My head feels like it's about to explode and I really am not in the right state to talk."

Nicky shook her head, and Alex could see how disappointed she was. She thought she wouldn't say anything else, but was relieved when she spoke. Nicky's silence was the last thing Alex wanted to be thrown at her because it only meant one thing and that was her being tired of Alex's shit already. And Alex wasn't ready for that yet. She had to know that Nicky still had her back.

"All right. But you have to promise me, whatever this is, you won't let it fuck you up. I know you, Alex. I've seen you on our worst times and I don't wanna have to see that again." She paused. "You're gross when you look pathetic."

Alex had to roll her eyes because Nicky couldn't let herself be serious without adding anything insulting but felt herself smile at Nicky's words. "I won't, you fucking sap."

Alex felt a tad bit better, but when her phone rang, she immediately got pissed again because she felt like people wouldn't even give her a break today. It was happening to her a lot lately, snapping at the littlest things.

She answered her phone, not bothering to look at whoever was calling. "What?!" she knew she sounded really harsh but she really couldn't give a care in the world.

 _"Is that how normal people answer their phones now?"_

For a while, Alex did not recognize the voice from the other line. She racked her brain trying to remember where she had heard that voice and instantly froze when she recalled the person behind the sweetest voice she had ever heard. _"Next to hers..."_ a voice inside her head suddenly whispered to her and she felt as if someone had stabbed her right on her chest when she _remembered_.

 _"Hello? You still there?"_

Alex was thankful that Piper had spoken again because she'd been immediately pulled from the dangerous thoughts she'd been trying to avoid for months now. She couldn't go there again. Not right now. Not _ever_.

"Hey, kid. Sorry about that. Nicky's here and you know how good she is at pissing people off." She looked at Nicky, and saw her raise an eyebrow at her, a silent question on who she was talking to. She ignored her and turned her back on her instead.

Piper chuckled on the other end of the line and Alex wasn't sure why that sound calmed her. _"Oh, yeah I get what you mean. Anyway..."_ Piper dragged that last word and Alex was more than sure the blonde was hesitant to say whatever she was about to say. _"You told me last night to call you today... I'm not sure if that was just some drunken thing or whatever, or if you even remember anything last night, but I just decided to call you since I'm not doing anything today anyway."_

Piper was rambling and Alex found her so adorable she didn't realize she was smiling like an idiot until she saw Nicky, who had by now gone in front of her again, looking at her as if she's gone crazy. "Kid," she said and Piper immediately shut up. "You're rambling. Of course I remember everything that happened last night. I'm glad you called."

There was a brief second of silence before she heard Piper's voice again, almost in a whisper. _"You are?"_ asked Piper, sounding genuinely surprised.

Alex smiled again, imagining how Piper must have looked as she asked that question, this time not caring about whatever Nicky was thinking.

She didn't understand why Piper was having this effect on her. Ever since she saw her, she couldn't get her out of her mind anymore. She honestly didn't want to get any closer to her again after their first encounter but there was something about the blonde that kept pulling Alex towards her, like she was some force she couldn't fight no matter what she did.

When she went to Red's diner that first night they talked, she really wasn't expecting to see her. But when she did, there was a little relief that flashed through her at seeing Piper again, as if she was only waiting for the chance for them to meet again. And even though she was wasted that night, she had enough consciousness to realize that just like the first time she saw her that day, she again saw herself in Piper, her _lost_ self, only it was someone better. And before she could even stop it, she had already entangled herself to Piper in ways she knew she could never avoid anymore.

But came the next day, when she was thinking a little more clearly than the night before. She wanted to see Piper again, to talk to her, to get to know her more, whatever that meant for her. But her more rational self told her that she had no right to pull Piper to the mess that she was already in. Her life was _fucked up. She_ was fucked up. And even though she could see that in some ways, Piper _might be,_ too, she could still be _fixed_. And being associated with Alex was the last thing she should do if she still wanted that for herself.

She lasted two days.

She really thought, she didn't need to have to talk to Piper anymore. She thought it was gonna be easy, she only had to avoid Red's diner and she would be fine. But as time dragged, her _need_ to see Piper only grew incessantly. So when she couldn't help herself anymore, she went to Red's hoping for Piper to be gone by the time she reached the place, but to no avail. She was there and Alex felt _happier_ than she should be.

And now they were here, Piper asking if she indeed was glad that she called. Not bothering to think of any reason as to _why_ , Alex answered Piper's question as honest as she could. "Yeah, Piper. I really am." Piper stayed quiet on the other end of the line and Alex was relieved because she wasn't sure she was ready for any kind of response from her. So before she took the chance to say anything, Alex spoke again. "Look, why don't you text me your address and I'll come pick you up later?"

 _"Okay, uhm, what time?"_

"...should you text me?"

Again, Piper chuckled and it was music to Alex's ears. _"No. What time will you pick me up... so I'd know when to get ready."_

"I actually am not sure yet. Just text me the address and we'll figure out from there."

 _"All right then. I'll text you."_

"Good. So, see you in a few hours?"

 _"See you, Alex."_

Alex put her phone off with a smile on her face, unaware of the fact that she was finally looking forward at something, for the first time in a really long time.

"Who the hell was that? And you were with her last night? That's why you disappeared on me? You ditched me for some chick?"

"She's not _some_ chick, asshole. That was Piper."

"Piper?" Nicky asked, a look of confusion evident on her face.

"Yeah! Why are you acting like you don't know her?"

"Uhhh, because I don't?"

"What? You do. She works for Red." Nicky still looked like she had no idea who Alex was talking about and Alex wondered why Nicky didn't know her when Piper talked as if they really knew each other. "Tall, blonde, blue eyes, really gorgeous? Jesus, how long has she been working there?"

"Oh!" Nicky exclaimed, finally realizing who Alex was talking about. "You're talking about Chapman! Oh yeah, you're right she is gorgeous. And she's been working for Red for a number of months, I don't know exactly how long, but long enough that I really should know her first name by now."

"How on earth could you not know her first name?"

"Chapman? That woman keeps to herself, man. She barely talks to anyone. No friends, no family. She only speaks to me when I talk to her first and she's so boring as fuck I try to get away as soon as her third word. But yeah, I guess she's nice. Just a little... introverted, or something a little more extreme than that." Nicky paused and seemed to be lost in thought for a while before she spoke again. "How'd you know her anyway? And how did you manage to be in first name basis with her when you just got her a few days ago?"

"I don't know. She seems normal to me. And listening to you, I'm actually having a little doubt whether we're talking about the same person. She's far from boring. She's actually really funny."

"Whoah, wait a minute. You're talking about her as if you have a thing for her. Do you?

Alex was taken aback by the question because it was actually the last thing on her mind. Usually, when she'd see a gorgeous woman, all she could ever think of was that she had to _fuck_ her. But with Piper, that was never the case. It wasn't that she wasn't attractive. She was, actually. Probably more than 90% of all the women she knew. "What? No, I don't have a _thing_ for her."

"Did you at least fuck her then? Wait, why am I still asking, of course you did. Was she any good?"

"What, no! I didn't fuck her. We barely know each other, pervert."

"Oh, right. Coz you've _never_ fucked anyone you know for only a _few hours_."

Alex laughed because Nicky had a point. How long she's known a person wasn't really one of the things she ever considered when _fucking_ someone. It never mattered to her and Nicky knew that so she wasn't sure why that had been her answer to Nicky's question. "Point taken."

"Why then?"

"Why what?"

"Haven't you taken her home and fucked her senseless. And don't tell me because she's straight because that had never been a problem for you."

Alex thought for a while because she, too, was wondering why she hadn't. She was never the one to say no to sex. And she could see the way Piper looked at her, the way she studied her. If she wanted to, she'd probably be in her bed right now. But Alex never made a move.

Before her life fell apart, it's all she ever did. With the kind of job she had, it wasn't easy to find women. Women came to her, they worshipped her. She could just stand and not do anything and there'd probably still be people, yes, women _and_ men, no matter how grossed out she was about that, who'd do anything for her to fuck them.

After her life made a 180-degree turn, she still did that but this time, for a totally different reason. It wasn't just for the pleasure anymore. It wasn't for the sense of control that it gave her. It had become one of her ways to _forget._ And she'd become even worse, because she already did it with men, too. She cringed at the thought.

But why not Piper?

"It's just... she's different."

"Why? Because you like her?"

She looked at Nicky for a brief second before she looked away. "Because she's _different_."

-o-o-o-

 **A/N:**

Wow, thank you for your responses on the first chapter! I'm glad some of you think that this has potential =) Anyway, I'm not very happy with this chapter. I know not much has happened but I'll make it up to you on Chapter 3 =)

 **Marijn,** Hi there, girl! My first reviewer, lol. Thank you! I'm glad you like this one, I'm not sure if you're gonna love it as much as you love HLWILY but I'll do my best, okay? Lol. Hugs!

 **Guest (who loves this so much),** Haha, thank you very much!

 **valevauseman,** Thank you! Yes, I'm gonna keep this going until the end. Hope you'll join me in my journey. Lol.

 **PhantomJazz,** Thank you so much! Hope you like this chapter =)

 **elliellie1,** Thanks, I'm glad you like it! I have quite a lot of ideas for this fan fic =)

 **Guest (who wants me to keep the chapters coming),** =) Hi there! Here's a new one for you guys. Thank you!

 **moanzs,** Hi favourite reviewer! You're amazing, thank you!

 **FFChik,** Thank you! And yes, I will do my best to keep this story going =)

 **nabi69,** Wow, I'm not sure about the one of the best part but thank you! Your review made my day! =)

 **lily,** Hi! I'm glad you're with me again on this fan fic =) Thanks, girl!

 **VauseSearch,** I'm glad you liked the previous chapter! I hope you'd like it til the end haha.

 **izzielg,** Yeah, I will unfold each of Piper and Alex's story as the chapters progress. Thank you!

 **Guest (who loved it),** Thank you! Glad you did!

 **Ellen0000,** I love you for that review! Thanks, girl!

 **jo michael,** Hey there my friend! You just scared me with that expectation haha. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to live up to that but thank you! I'm so thankful for your kind words, you are amazing!

 **Guest (last reviewer),** I'm not sure but maybe you're a reader from HLWILY? Coz you know my name? Haha. I'm guessing this is I3VauseMan? But thank you! I'm glad you also like the first chapter, you're wonderful!


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

It was four in the afternoon when Alex came by Piper's house. She had to walk to get here so she was quite thankful that it wasn't that far from her own place, walking only a few blocks before she had finally reached the address gave her. She was still waiting for her car to arrive and it was getting a little annoying because she was so used to having it with her wherever she was.

When she received Piper's text telling her the address of her place, she had the feeling that she knew this place. But she didn't bother about it much since this was a small town and anyone who had lived here his/her entire life probably knew every damn place there was. But standing in front of Piper's apartment now, she knew she recognized this apartment. She'd been here before, a lot of times actually. When she was still a kid and her mother had to go to work, she had to ask anyone who would willingly baby sit her for free, because her mother couldn't really afford anyone who had to be paid, and the old lady who used to live here was nice enough to take her in while her mother worked her ass off.

She _hated_ it here, to be honest. The old lady, whose name Alex didn't even remember anymore, had a lot of rules: Feet off the sofa, no eating anywhere else _but_ the dining area, no watching of television for more than an hour straight. She despised all those rules (but followed them nonetheless because she didn't want to add any more problems for her mother by pushing away the only person who wanted to look after her for free) because she was used to being free to do whatever the hell she wanted when she was with her mom. Maybe because she was _gone_ a lot, so she tried to make up for that by being as lenient as possible, but it worked for both of them because there was really nothing that could rebel against. She and her mom became best friends, especially because they only had each other as Alex grew up, and that didn't change even if she had already gone away because of her job.

Thinking back, it almost made Alex back out, not wanting to relieve any memories from her childhood, or anytime when her mother was still with her. It wasn't because she had a horrible time, it was actually the opposite. She had the best times of her life with her mom, no matter how hard their life was before, and thinking of that only made her realize that she'd never have those times back again. And it still hurt knowing she would never get to be with the most important person in her life anymore.

So she had to convince herself that maybe Piper's place didn't look anything like the way it used to anymore so she decided to fight off her thoughts and started walking towards Piper's door, constantly telling herself that it was going to be okay. She rang her doorbell, her mixed emotions on the verge of blurring her judgment.

But all of that went away the moment Piper opened her door and flashed her a smile so beautiful it made Alex wonder why she even had doubts of going through with this. Piper was wearing a white button-down long sleeved-shirt with faded blue jeans. She looked as simple as she could get and yet Alex couldn't help but find her extremely attractive. She had her hair down this time, the first time Alex was seeing her hair this way and it made her look even more beautiful than the past few times she'd seen her.

"Wow, it is so refreshing to see you sober!"

"Well, good to see you, too, Piper," Alex answered, chuckling. Piper chuckled as well, showing her perfect set of white teeth and a cute little dimple. Alex thought she'd never seen anyone look more adorable. She made a silent promise to herself that she'd do anything she could just so she could hear that chuckle as much as she could.

"Just a minute, I'm just gonna blow my hair dry, okay?" Piper started walking inside her apartment without inviting Alex in. Alex couldn't really see inside which froze her to her spot, unsure if she should follow Piper in or just wait for her here. Piper probably sensed that she was still outside so she stopped and looked at her. "What are you still doing there? Are you a vampire now? Do you need an invitation?"

"No, it's just..."

"What?" Piper walked back towards her looking worried. "Is there anything wrong? Do we need to leave right now? Are you in a hurry or something? We can leave, I mean it's-"

"Do you really always ramble?" Piper froze in mid-sentence and was left with her mouth open until Alex started chuckling. She closed her mouth and creased her forehead at Alex and started pouting. "You're cute." Alex added, unable to stop herself. She could see Piper blush and it was all she needed to forget all her hesitance about going inside the apartment. Piper just shook her head, still looking flustered and started walking inside again, this time, followed by Alex.

Alex couldn't be more relieved when she was already inside Piper's apartment because it was nowhere close to the way she remembered it. Piper's place looked so much cozier, more comfortable and a lot more inviting. The old apartment she remembered was dingy and smelled of cats, Piper's looked beautiful and smelled nice. It felt a thousand times more like _home_. She looked around and a shelf, a _huge_ one, took up a large space on the side of the apartment, with numerous books, probably close to a hundred, occupying the whole thing.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be back in a minute," Piper said as she made her way towards a room which Alex only guessed as her bedroom.

She followed her with her eyes and for a brief second, imagined what it would be like to be inside Piper's room, too, on her bed, lying with her, _naked_. It was the first time Alex had thought of Piper in a sexual manner and she suddenly wondered what it'd feel like to have her hands wander all over Piper's body and to feel her skin against hers. She was snapped out of her thoughts when Piper came hurrying back.

"I'm so sorry, I was so rude. Do you need anything? Water? Coffee? Tea?"

"I'm fine, kid."

"Are you sure? Do you need anything other than the choices I gave you?"

"Look, why don't you just get inside and dry your hair then I'll tell you what I need when you're done, okay?" Alex didn't even bother hiding the smile that had formed on her lips.

"Okay," Piper said softly and went back to her room again, still hesitating a little.

When Piper was out of her sight, Alex finally let out a soft chuckle, growing more and more amused at herself because of how much she found Piper so adorable. She wondered why Nicky thought she was boring when Alex could _literally_ listen to her all day and still be entertained.

While waiting, she made her way to Piper's bookshelf and grazed each book with her fingertips, studying the titles. There were the usual classics, F. Scott Fitzgerald's _The Great_ Gatsby, Jane Austen's _Pride and_ Prejudice, and Mark Twain's _Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_. There were also some she didn't recognize, memorizing the titles in her mind, making a mental note to read them when she had time.

A few minutes later, Piper went back out, this time with her hair up.

Alex looked at her and was convinced she still looked beautiful but couldn't help but miss the way Piper looked with her hair down. That way, she looked so much younger, more relaxed and a _lot_ more beautiful. There was something about Piper with her hair up that constantly reminded Alex of the _broken_ Piper she first met. The way Piper was now looked a lot less messed up and Alex somehow wanted to associate that with Piper with her hair down, as odd as that may sound.

Without thinking of what she was doing, Alex walked her way towards Piper. She could see questions forming on Piper's eyes, wondering what she was about to do, but she just kept walking until there were merely inches between them. She looked her in the eyes, and let her lose herself in them for a moment. She was now convinced looking into Piper's eyes was one of her favourite things to do.

She then raised her right arm to move a strand of hair that fell on her face. She could feel Piper exhale the moment her fingertips brushed slightly against her cheek. She couldn't help but smirk at the effect she obviously had on the blonde but she was also flattered that Piper reacted to her this way. Then ever so slowly, she grazed her hand over Piper's hair until it reached the back of her head, feeling the clamp that secured her hair. Then she gently pulled it off, her eyes following the way Piper's locks cascaded down her back.

Alex then looked back at Piper's eyes and couldn't ignore the way the blonde's pupils had darkened. "You look _so_ much better this way, kid." Her lips tugged up in a curve and stared at Piper for a little longer until she started turning her back on her, making her way towards the door. When she noticed that the blonde was still standing still on her spot, "Are you just gonna stand there or are you coming?"

-o-o-o-

Piper's heart was still racing when she and Alex started walking outside. She could still feel Alex's warm breath on her and the way she had gently touched her. If she was being honest, she really thought Alex was going to kiss her and even though she didn't know how _hugely_ that would change things, she silently hoped that she did.

But she did not, and now her mind was working like crazy, unable to calm her nerves and emotions because for the first time in her life, she wanted something that she knew had the potential of _breaking_ her again one day. She wanted _Alex_. And she'd be crazy to think that there was any way she would be able to stop this because there wasn't. She was in, and she was in, way fucking _deep._

"Hey, are you okay?" asked Alex.

"What? Y-yeah, I'm fine," Piper answered, trying so hard not to stammer. "So, where are we headed?"

Alex was now fully smiling and Piper was so sure she would have tattoed that on her mind if only it was possible. "We... are going clubbin'!"

Hearing that, Piper stopped walking and looked at Alex with a stunned look. She honestly expected more. "Are you kidding me?"

Alex chuckled as she, too, stopped walking. "No. I'm serious. Come on kid, give me some credit here. There's nothing good to go to in this crappy town. I would take you to some place better but I don't wanna have to commute. I promise though, when I get my car, I'm taking you far away from here." Alex looked into her eyes and for a while, Piper thought she meant something more.

The older girl sounded so genuine all thoughts of disappointment were immediately gone as soon as they came over Piper. And Alex was actually right. There was literally nothing great in this place. All they had were Red's Diner and some other diners which were in no doubt worse and a number of bars, significantly larger than the number of diners and restaurants, all over town. It seemed like people here wanted to drink more than eat. "Fair enough. But we gotta eat first. I can't drink on an empty stomach. I go crazy when I do."

"I think I prefer that," Alex smirked and it was enough to make Piper melt.

"Shut up. Come on, let's go to Red's."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"What? No. Why?" Piper asked Alex, who looked completely repulsed at her suggestion.

"You're literally there every second of your life, unless you go home and sleep and you take a day off and you still wanna go there now to eat? Seriously, kid, don't you ever get tired of that place?"

"You already said so yourself, there's nothing good to go to in this place. Red's is the best we've got. And where do you think I eat every time I don't have work?"

"Are you serious? You've been having all your meals at Red's for the past..."

"Four months."

"...for the past four months of your life?"

"Most of the time, yeah."

Alex then shook her head. "Then we're not going to eat there now."

"Well, where are we going to eat, then?"

"My place. Come on."

And taking Piper by surprise, Alex held her hand and led her onwards. Piper could only look at their entangled hands as she followed Alex's lead.

-o-o-o-

"You cook?" Piper sounded so genuinely surprised. She never pegged Alex for the domestic kind. She had never imagined her doing any house chores or anything _domestic_ for that matter. She's always figured her as the adventurous kind, someone who liked to go out of her way and do anything other than what normal people do. But having watched Alex cook and prepare the meal they were now having, it was actually a pleasant surprise and something she knew she'd like to see happen again.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Alex asked, trying to forget the last time she had ever cooked for _someone_. She had honestly thought she'd never be able to do this again, that she'd never cook for anyone else for the rest of her life, because that was something she'd only do for _her,_ but here she was, in front of the only person who had ever made her break the pacts and promises she had made for herself _ever since_.

"I'm not," Piper lied, a little afraid that she would offend Alex if she told her what she thought. She had another bite of the chicken ravioli that Alex had prepared and couldn't help but moan at how good it tasted.

"Please keep making that sound," Alex teased her, grateful of the distraction that Piper was providing for her. There was a sense of calm that Piper brought her and she was glad for her company because it was only with her that she felt a lot less dark than she usually always felt. She could see Piper blush and tried to think if there ever was a time that she had reacted _differently_ when she teased her.

"I'm sorry. It's just, this is so good! I mean, I don't remember the last time I ate something this good. Ugh, you should always feed me."

Without missing a beat, Alex replied, "I would love to."

Piper smiled, trying to stop feeling sorry for herself when she remembered that no one had ever cooked for her before. Alex was the first one to ever do this for her and somehow it had made it even more special. "How'd you learn to cook?"

"I've lived alone most of the time for the last eight years, Piper. If I didn't learn how to cook, I would've lived off Chinese or Thai food for as long as that and I don't think that's the kind of life I would've wanted for myself."

"Eight years? Wait, how old are you?"

"28. I know, I look 16."

Piper chuckled but felt the heat on her face when Alex winked at her. A part of her wanted Alex to stop whatever she was doing because it was really making Piper feel like a pathetic school girl blushing every damn time, but a part of her also wanted Alex to keep doing it. She had never liked other people's attention, but somehow, she _liked_ the attention that Alex gave her. "Well, that's a bit too much, don't you think? But... So you've lived away from your parents since you were 20?"

Alex had a feeling where this was going and she hoped that Piper would never go there because she knew that if she asked, she would tell her everything. And that meant remembering all the things that she wanted to forget, which she was pretty sure she never expected to do today, or ever _again_. "Hmm, something like that."

"Why?"

"I got a job," she tried answering as vaguely as possible, hoping Piper wouldn't ask any more questions. But the blonde seemed genuinely interested to know things about her that she knew there was a slim chance she would stop at this point.

"Job. What do you do?"

And Alex was right, of course. She _really_ considered lying. There was only a slight chance Piper would find out anyway since she was already _out_ of that job but she couldn't bring herself to do so. There was something in Piper that made her want to be as honest to her as possible. It was as if _truth_ was the only thing Piper deserved from her and it was _only_ that, that she would give her. "I worked for an international drug cartel."

Piper laughed, because _obviously_ Alex was just joking. She would've actually believed her because of how serious she looked when she said it, but the _absurdity_ of the idea that Alex worked illegally made her think otherwise. "Yeah, right."

"Why don't you believe anything I say?"

"Because that's ridiculous. I mean, you just basically told me you had an illegal job."

"Which is so hard to believe because...?" She looked at Piper, trying to tell her through her eyes that she was indeed telling the truth. She could see Piper start hesitating, and she could feel her mind working, trying to decide whether to believe her or not. "Why? Do I look like an angel to you? I know I physically look like one but..." she shrugged, trying to make the situation lighter because she could feel the tension finally starting to build around them. "It's true, Piper."

"You... you're a drug dealer?" Piper asked, finally accepting that Alex was telling the truth. She was shocked, to say the least. Alex had always been mysterious to her but never had she once thought she worked illegally. But what's even more surprising was the fact that it _didn't_ bother her.

"I _was_... and not a dealer. More like, importer." Alex paused, trying to assess Piper's reaction. She looked for fear, or repulsion or even _disgust_ in Piper's eyes, because those were the only reactions acceptable to what she just blurted out but she was surprised to see _none_ of those. "Ready to run away from me now?" Alex casually asked the question, trying to hide the fact that if this was what would push Piper away from her, then it would be the _second_ time that she lost someone _special_ (yes, she considered Piper that, no matter what it meant) to her because of that fucking job she used to have.

"Honestly? No. I should be scared, right? I mean, international drug cartel is not something that should be taken lightly. But... I don't know. That is basically the most interesting thing I have ever heard my whole life, so no. I am not running away from you... not just _yet_ ," she added, with a smile that made Alex know she was just joking. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it?"

"I wanted to help my Mom. My entire life, she literally worked almost 24 hours a day just to be able to feed me and have a roof over my head. I always thought, if there was a way that I could pay her for everything she's done for me, I would do it. And then that opportunity came. So I took it."

Just seeing Alex talk about her mom, Piper could see how much she loved her. And with what she just said, she knew that Alex's mom loved her as much. She could feel herself get jealous because she never got that kind of relationship with her own mother, but decided to push the feeling deep within her because she wanted this conversation to be all about _Alex_. "She's really lucky to have you. You're lucky to have each other."

"Yeah, well... we were." Alex swallowed the lump that had now formed in her throat.

"Were? What do you mean? What happened?"

"She's... she's gone." There were a thousand knives that went through Alex's chest the moment those words left her. She missed her mom more than anybody else and she wished there was a way she could take back time and bring her back. But there wasn't. And that just made everything so much lonelier.

Piper could see the pain that flashed through Alex's eyes and all of a sudden she just wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her that everything would be okay. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Alex. I didn't... I shouldn't have asked, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, Pipes. You didn't know." Alex tried to smile, because she could see how worried she had made Piper feel and Alex didn't want her feeling this way. She had this surprising feel of wanting to _protect_ the blonde from any of that.

Piper tried to ignore the fluttering inside her stomach the moment Alex called her _Pipes_. She was, _again_ , the first (and only) person to ever call her that and she liked the feeling of having something that _only_ Alex had about her. As much as she wanted to replay that sound over and over in her head, she wanted to know so much more about Alex, so she asked again. "How about your father?"

"I don't have one. Well, come on, enough about me! How about you? You gotta tell me something about you, too."

Piper could see the sudden change in Alex's demeanour and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out that the topic about her father was something she didn't like talking about. So she decided to just drop the subject but she knew that one day, she'd eventually know. "Of course. But maybe not today." Then she remembered Alex saying that she no longer worked for the cartel, and she had to know why. "But tell me, why did you leave your job?"

Alex exhaled, wanting to tell Piper everything but knowing this wasn't the right time for that yet. "That's a story for another day, kid. Now come on, we gotta get those drinks."

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper went to the most decent bar this town had and the former started ordering drinks as soon as they arrived. Piper, not having been used to going out, just let Alex order for her and drank whatever it was that Alex put in front of her. Soon enough, they were both so wasted, Alex way more than Piper.

"Okay, come on let's take shots!" Alex said excitedly, getting a little more touchy with Piper as the minutes ticked by. Not that Piper was complaining though. She liked the way Alex would rub her arms, or say something in her ear so that Piper could hear her more clearly, or wrap her arm around her waist whenever someone drunk would walk behind Piper and Alex had to pull the blonde towards her so the passerby wouldn't hit Piper.

"Alex, don't you think you've had enough?" Piper asked, shouting into Alex's ear because it was way too loud inside and in Alex's state, she wouldn't be able to register anything she would say if Piper didn't.

"What? No!" Alex replied, looking at Piper as if she just suggested the most ridiculous idea possible. "Come on, let's go." Alex again held Piper's arm and dragged her towards the bar. Despite having been _touched_ by Alex almost the whole night, Piper still couldn't get used to the warmth of Alex's hand wrapped around hers. She held on tightly, afraid that Alex would let go.

When they reached the bar, Alex ordered six shots of tequila, much to Piper's protests. "Are you seriously drinking all that?" Piper chuckled. She'd been doing that a lot tonight, being a little buzzed was making everything seem so funny to her.

"Of course not, the other three's for you, kid." Alex pushed three shots towards Piper. "Come on!" She then spread a pinch of salt on the back of her palm, licked it, downed the tequila and bit on the lime, all the while staring at Piper, whose eyes followed the movement of her mouth the whole time. "Your turn."

"Okay," answered Piper, who had by now forgotten that she was supposed to be _against_ this, because the way Alex's mouth moved was making her feel things she's never felt in a long time. She did the same thing Alex did, but in a lot sloppier way and Alex couldn't help but laugh at this. Piper shook her head and had to lick the bottom of her lip, due to the mess that eating the lime the wrong way had caused her. And she couldn't stop the shivers that went through her spine when she caught Alex staring at her mouth with a look that could not be mistaken as _lust._ Piper didn't know what went with her but she was suddenly feeling a lot more confident. "I feel like you're trying to undress me with your eyes."

"Believe me, I wish I was doing a hell lot more than that."

Piper felt air leave her, wanting Alex to stop _wishing_ and start _doing_ instead. But maybe all of that in the right time. She didn't take her gaze off of the raven-haired and then mouthed to her, _"Your turn."_

Alex then took one of the shots, but instead of putting the salt on her own hand, she grabbed Piper's hand, much to the blonde's surprise, and then took it to her mouth. And then, like their whole background slowed down for them, she opened her lips slightly and licked a small part of the back of the blonde's hand, all the time not removing her eyes off of her. She then sprinkled the salt on the now wet part of the younger girl's skin, licked it as slowly as she could, drank her shot and bit the lime she was holding.

Piper felt like she was going to explode the minute Alex tongue touched her skin, and she was pretty sure Alex felt the way her hand shook slightly, the feeling of heat down her core intensifying every second. Alex had a knowing look on her face, pleased with herself the way Piper reacted to her.

Piper then smirked, shaking her head at how shaken she was with what Alex did. "I can't take any more shots. Last three's yours."

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Alex asked, her eyebrow shooting as her lips yet again tugged up in a curve.

"Oh, you don't need me for that, babe. You're already wasted _enough_."

"Okay, I'm going to prove to you that I'm not wasted, _at all_."

"Yeah? How?"

Instead of answering her, Alex pulled one of the shots towards her, and came _impossibly_ close to Piper. They were now just inches apart, aware that they were now breathing the same air. She then lowered her head, and just like she did to Piper's hand, she again brought her lips to Piper's skin, this time just between her shoulders and her neck. She slightly traced her tongue over it, causing Piper to close her eyes at the sensation. Alex then pulled away, just a little, and Piper immediately missed the contact, wishing Alex never stopped.

Alex then dabbed the salt on the wet part of Piper's skin, and once again brought her mouth to it. But this time, she didn't just _lick_ , she _sucked_ on it, making Piper gasp. She then downed the tequila and bit on the lime, a lot more hurried than the first time. Piper was now breathing heavily and she was sure that a pool of wetness had now gathered in her underwear.

Alex, on the other hand, was not smirking this time. Her eyes were filled with something Piper had never seen before. Her pupils had dilated and now looked like an animal ready to pounce on her. "I missed something," said Alex, pointing at the part she had just marked with her lips, her voice an octave lower than her normal voice and Piper swore she had never sounded sexier before. She then slowly brought her lips back there again, her tongue making slight circles on the spot. It caused Piper to absentmindedly crane her neck, giving Alex a lot more access.

Piper was now holding onto Alex's hips as if she was holding on to it for dear life. She felt her knees weaken as Alex's mouth started moving upwards, her mouth and tongue leaving a trace on the side of her neck until Alex was already kissing her jaw. Piper pulled Alex closer to her, wanting to feel so much _more_.

Alex, feeling Piper's hold on her tighten, continued making small kisses on Piper's jaw, until her lips made its way to her cheek, then her nose, the to her _other_ cheek. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, or if it was just pure _Piper_ , but she suddenly had the urge to taste every inch of her skin, knowing even if she had, she still wouldn't have enough. And just when she couldn't take it any longer, when she was overcome with an animalistic desire to feel _more_ of Piper, she pressed her lips against hers, holding the blonde's head in place, scared that she would back off.

But she didn't. Instead, she opened her mouth, allowing Alex's tongue the entrance she'd been craving, grasping Alex's shirt for support. The kiss went on for what seemed like forever, each person studying every part of each other's mouth, unable to get _enough._ Their tongues battled for dominance, dancing to a harmony that only they understood, taking and giving, feeling pleasure they've never quite felt before.

After what felt like an eternity, the two let go of each other, and once again looked into each other's eyes. They didn't say anything but the smiles they had given each other said a hell lot more than any words could ever give. They had now become so much more than two persons broken and lost, they had become the direction each of them needed to stir the life they thought was not worth anything anymore to the place that could undoubtedly make them _whole_ again.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper were now lying on the latter's bed, both on their sides facing each other. After their first kiss, they had decided to go home, still unable to take their hands, _and lips,_ off of each other. They made their way to Piper's place, even though it's much farther than Alex's, because the raven-haired couldn't find her keys. They walked hand in hand, every now and then bringing their lips together again, laughing as if everything was so amusing.

Both felt the _desire_ for each other that the kiss had built up for them. Both wanted so, so much more. But both also knew that they wanted to have _it_ when they were both sober, when they were both fully aware of what was happening. Each of them found each other so much more special than a person to have a drunken fuck with, so when they reached Piper's place, they just laid down, so close together each part of them was touching the others.

Alex kept tracing her thumb on Piper's face, looking at her like she was the most magnificent sight there was. Her eyes were on the verge of closing against her will, but she was still trying to fight off the sleep that was threatening to consume her any second now. "You look beautiful," she whispered, only loud enough for Piper to hear her.

Piper softly laughed, despite the warmth that filled her chest the moment those words left Alex's mouth. "You're just drunk."

Alex took her hand off Piper's face, putting it to her side. "I may be. But I'm not blind."

Piper's laughter has now turned into a soft smile, unable to contain the flutters in her stomach. "No one has ever said that to me in my entire life."

"Well, I'm telling you now. You really are beautiful, Pipes." Alex slowly brought her hand to Piper's face and gently traced her thumb on her jaw in circles. Piper couldn't help but close her eyes because of the gentle caress Alex was making on her skin. It felt _good_ and she let herself get lost at the wonderful feeling Alex was making her feel. And when she opened her eyes, Alex had already fallen asleep.

Piper smiled and studied Alex's features, taking in the beauty that she was despite of her current state, too wasted to even stay up for a few more seconds. Then ever so slowly, she brought her lips on Alex's forehead and kissed her gently. "You're beautiful, too, Alex."

And Piper knew that it was just more than the physicality of Alex that looked beautiful to her. It was her whole being, the one that she wanted to know so much more of because with Alex, she never felt _lost._ And for the first time in her life, she knew she was right where she was supposed to be.

-o-o-o-

 **A/N:**

Please tell me what you think! Your reviews are encouraging me to continue this and update as fast as I can. =) I can't thank you all enough for the responses you had for the first two chapters of this story. I love you! *virtual group hug*

 **Guest (who waited all night for the previous update),** Sorry I made you wait a long time! I hope you're happy with this update. Thank you! =)

 **Guest (who thought the previous chap was amazing),** Thank you! You're amazing! And don't worry, I will continue this one as long as there'd be people who'd still wanna read it. Thanks again =)

 **izzielg,** Glad you like the mysteries! Thank you =)

 **moanzs,** Hi bruh, thank you! I hope you like how Piper and Alex's 'date' turned out. Haha.

 **sam,** Wow, thank you! *blushes* Here's your new chapter! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Yeah, I plan to incorporate more Nicky here. I love her friendship with Alex (on OITNB) Thank you for your wonderful review, hope to hear from you again soon =)

 **Marijn,** Hey girl! Haha you'll know about Alex's story soon. Thank you, I'm glad you're loving this so far =)

 **valevauseman,** Thank you! Don't worry, as long as you guys are around, this story will be, too. =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you! I always love your reviews. Keep'em coming! =)

 **ejm137,** I'm glad you agree coz I think so, too (aside from yourself of course) Here's the new chapter hope you like it! =)

 **Phantomjazz,** Here is the update. I hope I didn't make you wait long enough. Thank you! =)

 **Guest (who likes Vulnerable Vause),** Give me a virtual high five, girl! Coz I do, too! There's something about vulnerable Alex that just makes me want to protect her or something, haha.

 **elliellie1,** Thank you very much, girl!

 **jo michael,** hi bruh how you doin? I'll reveal about their stories on the future chapters lol. I'm glad you're still here with me haha. Hope you're doing great, thank you!

 **I3Vauseman,** Hi! Yeah, I recognized you from the 'Your Awesomeness" which still makes me uncomfortable. Lol. I'm not sure I'm THAT good. Haha. But thank you! And I'll listen to the song you mentioned before I sleep tonight. Thanks wonderful person! Hugs!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**

Apologies in advance for the typographical and grammatical errors. I was just dying to post this because it's been too long since the last update and I don't have enough energy in me to proofread this. Really sorry, but I found it really hard to write this chapter because I already know where the story is going, I just don't know how to get it there. So again, apologies.

And add the start of OITNB promos and I knew I was fucked regarding this update. LMAO.

 **4**

Piper woke up with a slight jolt when she felt the movement of the bed, and heard soft whimpers. She opened her eyes, and adjusted them to the brightness of the lamp, the one she hadn't been able to turn off before finally falling asleep in Alex's arms, coming from her bedside table. When she was awake _enough_ to realize where the sound was coming from, she quickly turned to Alex, who obviously was having a bad dream.

 _"No... Ash... don't,"_ Alex softly murmured, her forehead creased, and little trickles of sweats one by one forming on her temples. She was struggling to stay still, clutching the blanket strewn over her, and was surely on the verge of crying.

"Alex," Piper whispered, trying to wake Alex but not startle her while doing so.

 _"Please... I'm sorry..."_ Alex still kept muttering in her sleep, this time looking a lot more terrified with every passing second.

"Alex, wake up." This time, Piper decided to shake Alex, getting a little bit more worried. "Al, come on. You're just having a bad dream." She shook her a little harder and this time Alex finally woke up. The brunette sat back abruptly, causing Piper to flinch back.

Alex breathed heavily, and Piper was sure she wasn't fully awake yet. She wanted to touch her and assure her that everything was fine, that she was just having a bad dream but she was scared that it would just make things worse. But she could see Alex wipe the tears that had now fallen from her eyes and she knew she had to _at least_ say something.

"A-Al?" she softly said, hoping that Alex would finally face her. And she did, but this time with a blank expression on her face. She still looked shaken, but if she was feeling a lot _worse_ than that, she wasn't showing it. "Hey, are you okay?" Piper asked, this time going closer to Alex, cupping her face with both hands. She wiped the sweat that has now reached Alex's cheek with her thumb, and looked Alex in the eyes. She saw _fear_ in them, the _first time_ she had ever seen such an emotion in those emerald green eyes. Alex still wouldn't talk and it worried Piper even more. "Come on, Al. Talk to me."

Alex slowly shook her head, finally aware of what was going on, and took Piper's hands into her own. "Hey, I'm sorry if I woke you up. I had... I just had a terrible dream," she swallowed and Piper knew she was holding something back.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No," Alex shook her head profusely, and tried to smile, though Piper could see that it didn't reach her eyes. "It's nothing. I'm fine. I'm sorry I worried you." Alex pulled Piper's face to hers and kissed her gently. "Come on, let's go back to sleep."

Piper knew that there was something Alex was not telling her but respected the fact that she wanted to keep it to herself. But even so, she still couldn't fight the fear that crept into her, seeing Alex this vulnerable. She was used to seeing her so collected and confident and even if this was just because of a dream, seeing her this way bothered her a lot. She went back to lay down on the bed with Alex, but before the raven-haired could close her eyes, Piper gently touched her face again. "Hey. You'll tell me when something's wrong, yeah?"

Alex just nodded and smiled before she closed her eyes, and somehow Piper had the feeling that if there was indeed anything wrong with Alex, she wouldn't find out about it anytime soon.

-o-o-o-

Alex woke up getting blinded by the sunlight streaming through the window. It took her a few seconds before she could recognize where she was, and who she was with. When she finally got used to the brightness, she looked at Piper, whose face was so close to hers and whose arm was wrapped around her. Alex's legs on the other hand were entangled with Piper's. She honestly didn't want to disturb the sleeping blonde but couldn't help herself so she brought her lips to the tip of Piper's nose and kissed it gently.

Alex knew it had been so long since the last time she woke up with another person still fully-clothed. It was either her waking up _alone_ or waking up with someone, _naked_. But this wasn't actually a foreign thing to her, waking up next to someone without having done anything _sexual_ the night before. She had done it countless times, with one particular person.

And that person was the one who constantly woke her up every night... through _nightmares_.

It had been happening to Alex every damn night every since that ruinous day. Waking up sweaty and with heavy breaths, screaming into the darkness, crying in the silence of the night. She should have gotten used to it by now, it's been _months_. But every damn time it happened still felt like the first time it ever did. She still felt the _fear_ , the _guilt_ and the _pain_ , and all these emotions were breaking her little by little she was pretty sure there would come a time when she would still exist but no longer _live._

And she hated herself that she had to let Piper see that. When she had asked her out, her plan didn't include them sleeping together, in more ways than one, because she knew that it would happen _again_. She didn't want the blonde to see it not only because they didn't really know much about each other yet but because she didn't want anyoneto see this _weak_ side of her.

Of course, Piper wasn't just _anyone_ and she wasn't stubborn enough to still deny that to herself right now. She knew it the minute their eyes first _met_ and then again when they first _talked_ and then again when they first _kissed_. And maybe that's what made it worse because it's _Piper_ and right now, she was the last person she wanted to see her that way, so _vulnerable_ and not being able to do anything about it.

But no. She had to get drunk, _again_ , and lose the control she should always have whenever she was with the blonde. She had to forget that it wasn't safe for her to be with anyone when she wasn't conscious and couldn't manipulate the way she would and _should_ act. She had to let Piper see.

And what made the situation even worse was the look of concern the blonde had when she _saw_ her. She was genuinely worried and hadn't just Alex told herself that she shouldn't be making Piper feel that? She was here to help Piper find her way and it shouldn't be the other way around. Alex knew she was a _hopeless_ case. But Piper still wasn't. She was supposed to be there for her to make sure of that.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Alex was startled to see that the blonde was already awake. But she recovered with it immediately, when she saw the way Piper looked at her, her eyes filled with so much admiration, and her heart ache because she never thought she'd have another person who would find her worthy enough for that kind of look. "Hey," Alex smiled, briefly forgetting what was going on in her mind just a while ago.

"Hey, drunkie," Piper said as she kissed Alex, smiling into that kiss.

"Hmm, so we're calling each other nicknames now, huh?" Alex said, responding to the kiss as she gently rubbed Piper's back.

"Yeah, I guess we are." Piper kept pressing chaste kisses on Alex's lips, enjoying the warmth of the raven-haired's skin against her back. "You wanna talk about last night?" she asked.

"You wanna talk about the kiss?"

Piper smiled, still peppering Alex's face with little kisses, pulling her closer to her. "Yeah... and also about the nightmare." Piper could feel Alex tense and she froze for about a second before she continued with her gentle caress on her skin again.

"Piper, that was nothing."

Piper had to pull away, far enough to be able to look Alex in the eye. "Alex..."

"Pipes, I swear. If it was a big deal, I'd tell you, okay?" Alex could still see hesitance in Piper's eyes so she had to resort to the only thing that she knew would fully divert Piper's attention. "Right now, I just want to kiss you all day long."

If they were just giving each other little kisses a while ago, this time Alex had turned those kisses into deeper ones, biting into Piper's bottom lip, until those kisses had turned into a full-blown make out session. The arm she had on Piper's back was now on the girl's thigh, caressing and squeezing, earning her a moan from the blonde.

Piper, on the other hand, didn't know where exactly to put hers. She wanted her hands everywhere, wanted to be able to touch Alex in every part of her body, wanted to feel every inch of her. Her hands were on Alex's face first, until her right hand was already rubbing Alex's arm up and down, her left one grasping the other woman's shirt so she could pull her closer to her. It had been a long time since she's had a physical contact with anyone and had forgotten how much this felt _good_.

Suddenly, Alex flipped Piper so she was now on her back, as Alex crawled over her, her knees locking Piper in place. She went back to kissing her, her tongue exploring the insides of the blonde's mouth, loving the way she tasted. Piper had by now put her hands inside Alex's shirt, running circles with her thumb on her bare stomach.

"Alex," whispered Piper as Alex's mouth started travelling down her neck.

"Hmmm..." replied Alex and the vibrations it made on Piper's neck made the blonde arch her body upwards, wanting more physical contact from the taller woman. Her neck had always been her weak spot and the way Alex was tracing her tongue on every inch of it was making her crazy.

As much as she _hated_ to say this, Piper knew she had to before she lost total control of herself. "I have to go to work," she said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. She _didn't_ want to go to work. She wanted to stay here with Alex, and do _unforgivable_ things with her. She wanted to be kissed by her all day, she wanted _Alex_ all day. But her work was waiting for her and she didn't want to be faced with Red's wrath if she missed it today.

"No, you don't," answered Alex as nonchalant as possible. The things her tongue and mouth, now going even lower, were doing to Piper were making it harder for the blonde to justify why she _had_ to go.

"I do. Red's gonna kill me."

"Just call in sick." Alex left one last kiss on Piper's neck until she pulled away and grasped the end of Piper's shirt. "This has to go away," she added, as if not hearing a word Piper had just said.

"What? No. Alex, I'm serious." But Alex just gave Piper that _look_ and that _smile_ , and her resolve had instantly melted. She let Alex take her shirt off, leaving her in just her bra and pants. Alex then went back to what she was doing to Piper, this time with her hand travelling towards Piper's right breast. "I can't call in sick, Al." Piper still _tried_ , as hard as she could, to ignore the heat she was feeling down her core, convincing, not only Alex, but even more herself that she had to get up now or she never would. " _Oh, God_!" she exclaimed as Alex pushed her bra off her and played with one of her nipples with her thumb and forefinger.

"You were saying?" Alex asked, a smug look on her face.

Piper had to close her eyes and count to three before she could finally make up her mind. "Alex, I mean it. Come on, get off me now." She pushed Alex slightly off her.

"Ugh!" Alex exclaimed, finally getting off of Piper. "Why can't we just stay in bed all day?" She had her back flat on the bed now, her arms outstretched on her sides, sulking like a kid deprived of her toy.

Piper chuckled at Alex, finding her adorable with that expression of hers. So she pressed a kiss on her lips, just a quick peck, because who knew if she could fight it off this time if Alex started doing _things_ to her again. "I'll make it up to you tonight, okay? But right now, I have to get off this bed because I have a job to go to in..." she looked at the clock beside her and her eyes opened wide when she saw what time it already was, "...30 fucking minutes! Jesus Christ I have to keep moving."

Alex laughed as Piper ran to the bathroom and started her shower. "Do you want me to join you?" she half-yelled, still laughing at the panic-stricken Piper.

"Stay right there or I swear to God..." Piper yelled back from the inside of the shower.

Alex just laughed again. But remembering the way Piper insisted on knowing what her nightmare was really about, she knew she had dodged that bullet now, but once it happened again, she didn't know if she could still divert Piper's attention away from it.

-o-o-o-

"Where the fuck have you been?"

Out of her surprise, Alex almost hit the door when Nicky spoke out of nowhere. Piper and she left her apartment together after a lot of running around the house, mostly just Piper, and a lot of cursing because she was already late. Clearly, it was the first time ever that she was late to work and Piper wasn't taking it all too well. Alex had to keep herself from laughing at the blonde because she knew Piper's irritation would be thrown at her if she did.

"I swear Nicky, every day you're sounding more and more of a fucking psycho girlfriend." Alex shook her head and threw herself at the couch, throwing her things on the table.

"Yeah, well. You'd be lucky to have me."

"No, I don't think so. What are you doing here? Didn't you think a little text telling me you'd be here in _my_ house was something a normal, polite person would do?"

"Maybe. But so is texting your best friend telling her that you're still alive every month or so."

"Jesus, you're not ever letting that go, are you?"

"You know me, Vause. I hold grudges. So, how'd it go with blondie? Did you _finally_ realize how much of a snoozefest it is to be with her and ditched her for some other cute blonde instead?"

Alex felt a slight irritation within her hearing Nicky talk about Piper this way but kept it to herself because she didn't to hear shit about it from her. "What? No. I had a really great time with her. And she's not a snoozefest, maybe she just finds you dull to talk to that's why she acts that way around you."

"What so you actually spent the night with her?"

"It's none of your business but if you really have to know, yes I spent the night at her place." She could see a shit-eating grin start to form on her best friend's mouth and before she could even say what was on her mind, she already beat her to it. "And no, we didn't fuck."

"What the fuck, you losing your touch, Vause?"

"Fuck you, you know I never lose touch."

"Right. But you know, come to think of it, I've never seen you look like that when you're talking about a woman."

"Look like what?"

"I don't know, like you're talking about someone so precious, someone that couldn't, _shouldn't,_ get hurt or something. You seem rather protective of her, which is a bit odd, cause you've only met her."

Alex didn't speak because she didn't know how to react to what Nicky just told her. She was aware of that, but she didn't know how to _justify_ it to Nicky in a way that she would understand. Somehow, she had this feeling that only she and Piper could understand each other, could see through each other despite the darkness that was surrounding them. It was as if she had found someone she would allow to see the very depths of her, her emotional nakedness that she had never willingly wanted to show anyone before.

"Oh hey, wait a minute," said Nicky, all of a sudden. "I actually have seen you talk about someone that way before."

"What? Who?"

"Your mom. She's the only one I've ever seen you really care about, Vause. Well, apart from me, of course. But seeing you talk about Chapman, like that way you always talked about Diane, it seems like you've got yourself in a _lot_ of trouble, man."

-o-o-o-

It was almost 12 noon when Alex dropped by Red's Diner. She expected Piper to be the first one she'd see but instead, she saw Red on her way out. "Hey, Red. Is Piper here?"

Red gave her a questioning look and Alex could see a glint of slight surprise in her eyes. "Yeah, why? How do you know blondie?"

"Oh, she's a friend. I met her the first day I got here."

"Really? I haven't seen that girl talk to anyone she barely knows for more than 20 seconds straight. Hmm, you must be special."

Alex just shrugged but found herself feel giddy hearing this. "Oh, I wouldn't go that far. Anyway, how long's her lunch break?"

"An hour. But she eats for 10 minutes tops and spends the rest of the hour staring at nothing. Weird girl, that one."

"Oh." Alex stopped herself imagining how Piper must be feeling every time she was left alone with her thoughts. She knew how that felt and she couldn't imagine Piper going through the same thing. "Uhm, can I borrow her then?"

"Why, of course! She's in the kitchen I think. It is already her lunch break and that's where she always is during this time."

"Okay, thanks Red!" She made her way inside the diner's kitchen, feeling excited to see Piper again when she had only seen her four hours ago.

Piper was about to get her food when she saw the familiar figure of the woman that had been making her smile like an idiot, or just _smile_ , really, since she went to work today. "Alex!" she said enthusiastically and flung her arms around Alex's neck, burying her face onto the taller girl's neck.

"Hey, kid," Alex smiled, a little less showy of her excitement about seeing Piper. She pressed her lips against hers as she wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist.

"What are you doing here?" Piper asked when they finally let go of each other, except for their hands, which were still locked together.

"Well, it is your lunch break."

"Why, am I having you for lunch?" Piper asked, her face showing emotion in between the look of someone subtly flirting and a sheepish schoolgirl.

Alex chuckled but couldn't stop the shiver that ran down her spine the moment those words left Piper's mouth. "Hmm, I wish, kid." She pulled her towards her again, wanting to _at least_ feel something of her if she couldn't have her all the way, _not yet_ anyway. She kissed her again, a little _hungrier_ this time, as if telling Piper that she _liked_ the suggestion, but that she couldn't. "But one hour won't be enough for that. So come on, let's get you some proper lunch, instead."

"What? Why? I have lunch here," Piper asked, a little surprised. She was still recovering from that dizzyingly good kiss from Alex and wasn't sure if her surprise was because of Alex's suggestion or because she was still standing after that kiss.

"Told you, kid. I'm not letting you eat here again. Well, not all the time anyway. So, let's go. Time's running." She pointed towards her watch.

"Where are we going then?"

"My place. I made you lunch. Let's go?" she offered her hand to Piper and the latter took it, feeling her stomach twist in a surprisingly good way at the sweet gesture she never thought someone with such a tough exterior would ever do for her.

-o-o-o-

Things for Alex and Piper went as slowly as it could get. For the next few days, everything went typically the same: Piper going to work, Alex coming over at noon to pick her up for lunch, Piper going back to work, and then Alex coming back at midnight, _most_ of the time drunk, so she and Piper could go home together. But one thing had never happened again, and that's for them to sleep together again. Alex had learned her lesson so she'd made herself a promise that she'd only do that again when she's ready to tell Piper everything.

On Piper's day off, they would either go to either's place, making out like crazy, horny teenage girls, but not letting anything go further. They both knew they wanted each other, _badly_. But somehow, they felt as if they haven't reached that kind of comfort with each other yet, like there's still something _missing_ for them to be able to go past that point. But surprisingly, especially for _Alex_ , she was fine with it. Because right now, it wasn't their physicality that was binding her and Piper together, it was way more than that, and somehow, she liked that thought better.

Alex knew something's changed in her. She still had nightmares. Every now and then she would still _remember_... would still feel like her chest will explode from the pain. But she no longer went to bed wishing the next day wouldn't come anymore. She used to think there was no one to live this life for anymore, not even _Nicky_ , but that wasn't the case now.

If there was one trait that Piper and Alex didn't share, it was the way they dealt with the dark. Because if Piper took comfort from it, Alex felt the exact opposite. She was terrified of the dark, literally. It reminded her of things she would rather forget, so when night would come, there was nothing more she would ever wish for but for the next day to arrive as soon as it could.

But now, she already looked forward to the next day for a very different reason. Even though she went to bed wasted every night, sometimes not conscious enough to know what she was doing, she now knew that she couldn't wait for the night to end not because of the dark itself but because a new day meant seeing Piper again. It meant seeing her beautiful smile, hearing her voice, feeling her lips against hers and her arms wrapped around hers. It meant she would again be reminded that there was still something _good_ in her life, that there was still a _meaning_ to it.

Alex wasn't in love with Piper. It was far from that but she _liked_ being with her, _liked_ the fact that the blonde seemed to feel the same way. She _liked_ the way Piper looked at her, the way Piper acted differently around her. Piper was timid and quiet when it came to other people. But when it came to her, she was this cute, funny woman who made her laugh all the time. She rambled a lot, but in an adorable kind of way. She spoke of so many stories, (surprisingly nothing yet about herself,) and Alex always found those stories interesting.

Alex Vause wasn't in love with Piper Chapman, but she was damn close to it and with the way things were with her, she knew it was as far as she could really get.

-o-o-o-

If Piper would look back at the last couple weeks of her life, she'd know how drastically it had change due to Alex's presence. And how fucking good that drastic change was. Every day, before going to work, she would come by Alex's place and wake her up with little kisses. At first, Alex would be annoyed waking up at an ungodly hour, well for her at least, but she would eventually cave and start kissing her back. Most of the time it would cause her to go to work late, but surprisingly Red would just shrug it off and give her a knowing look.

She would then start her work better than any previous day she's had, waiting for noon to come because then Alex would arrive and pick her up for lunch. They would then spend that hour eating and talking and kissing and laughing and just having fun. She would then go back to work half-disappointed and half-excited, _disappointed_ that she wouldn't get to see Alex again for the next 12 hours, _excited_ that she would see Alex again for the next 12 hours.

Basically, Piper was still the same, not comfortable to talk to other people, unable to give a crap that none of them gave a crap about her because what mattered is that _Alex_ did. She could see that Alex cared about _her_ , about what she _felt_ , about what she _thought._ And she honestly did not care about anything else except that because no one has ever _cared_ before. But now, there was, and for reasons she still could not understand, she accepted it.

For the first couple of weeks everything went the same and everything was good. But then Alex's car arrived and somehow something has changed. It happened just a few days ago, Piper went to Alex's knowing she would see her again in the next four hours. But 12:00 came and no Alex came to the diner. Instead, she received a text from the raven-haired telling her she was somewhere and she would be back by midnight, and to say Piper was disappointed was an understatement. She had been used to her 12 o'clocks involving Alex but she had to remind herself that Alex was not her _girlfriend_ and she should be able to do whatever the hell she wanted so she let it go and just waited for midnight to arrive.

But midnight came and no Alex showed up. There was no call or even a text. But Piper waited, an hour to be exact, before she finally accepted that Alex was not coming back. She sent Alex a million texts that night asking her where she was, telling her that she was worried, because she _knew_ that Alex wouldn't just ditch her without any valid reason. But morning came and still there was no text from Alex. She got ready for work, and couldn't wait to come by Alex's house, hoping she' be there but she wasn't.

She didn't see Alex for the next three days.

No matter how much she ignored it, she couldn't help but worry and wonder where she was. And that's when Piper realized that as tough and confident Alex looked, she, too, was as fucked up as she was. She ignored that almost nightly drunk Alex who picked her up from work at first, telling herself she was just enjoying the free time that she already had. But eventually, Piper figured it out. The drinking, that nightmare the first time they slept together, the fact that the 'sleeping together' didn't happen _again_ , the avoidance of certain topics about her life. Alex was running away from _something,_ and she was running _blindly._

And from the moment Piper figured that out, she knew.

She knew that she wouldn't let Alex go through whatever it was that she was going through right now _alone_. But she was gonna wait for her to let her in herself. She was going to wait for Alex to finally trust her the way she trusted Alex in return. She was going to _wait._

Piper wasn't in love with Alex. It was far from that but she _liked_ being with her, _liked_ the fact that the Alex seemed to feel the same way. She _liked_ the way Alex looked at her and the way Alex made her feel safe. Alex was barely in her presence but somehow, she didn't need that physical existence to make her feel that Alex wasn't going to let anything bad happen to her. And she fucking _liked_ that.

Piper Chapman wasn't in love with Alex Vause, but she was damn close to it and with the way things were with her now that Alex existed in her life, she knew she wouldn't regret it if she ever came to that point.

-o-o-o-

Piper was waiting by Alex's porch when her car came to a halt in front of her house. Piper felt as if something heavy was taken off her shoulders, feeling relief wash through her that Alex was fine, and that she was finally back. She waited for her to come out of her car but a couple of minutes had passed and she was still inside. So Piper decided to finally stand up and approach Alex herself.

She went by at the driver's door and knocked on the windshield but it took a few seconds before she heard the doors unlock. Again, she waited for Alex to open the door and finally show her face, that face that Piper missed so much. But she didn't.

Right then, Piper knew something was wrong.

She decided to open the door herself and was more than surprised to see Alex's head, leaning on the steering wheel, her hands all over her face. "Oh my God, Alex?! Are you okay?" She pulled Alex's body to be able to look at her and there she saw her in her most vulnerable state _yet_.

Alex was, _again_ , drunk. And for a split second, Piper was terrified at the fact that Alex drove here in this state, but she had to let that thought go because there was so much more in front of her that needed to be confronted, but not necessarily with Alex. Her eyes were red and puffy, and it was obvious that she had been crying. And more than that, Piper had finally seen _it_ in those beautiful yet painfully sad eyes.

She'd finally seen the _cry for help_ that she had annoyingly failed to recognize because all she ever saw was the Alex she wanted to see, the strong, independent woman that somehow she knew she needed. But she could see beyond that exterior now. Alex _needed_ her. And it was _all of her_ she was going to give.

After the difficulty of bringing Alex to her own bed, changing her clothes and making her comfortable, Piper had finally laid beside her, just like a repeat of the first time this ever happened, but with Alex being emotionally naked in front of her.

"Pipes, you can't stay," Alex whispered, a desperate plea for Piper to leave.

Piper had to shake her head adamantly, knowing why Alex didn't want her to stay. "If it happens again, I won't ask any more questions, Alex. I swear. Just please... let me stay with you tonight."

Alex tried fighting it, but to be honest, she was just too damn exhausted _fighting_ every damn day of her life. And as painful as it was to voice out for her, she finally said it. "I should be the _one_ taking care of _you_."

And it broke Piper's heart, hearing the pain from Alex's voice. "You'll have your turn. Right now, just go to sleep, okay? I'll be here."

And Piper had no plans of leaving... ever.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **valevauseman,** Hot and sweet at the same time, glad I managed to make you feel those things. Haha. Thank you for that review =)

 **Phantomjazz,** Thank you very much! Hope you'd love this chapter, too. Not my best, but I'll try harder. LMAO.

 **xunconsciousx,** Thank you! Greatest compliment to be told that I have a 'fan' lol. And thank you for reading HLWILY, too! I'm gonna miss that one. And I'm going to tattoo your review on Chapter 3 on my forehead because it's just too good! Thank you so much, I really appreciate it =)

 **Sue,** Thank you! You'll find out soon, girl! =)

 **Ellen0000,** Wow, I'm glad you found that chapter worthy enough for a second read! I'm blushing, that's a really great compliment. And I'm glad you like my own version of Alex. I love Vulnerable Alex =)

 **elliellie1,** Yeah, we will soon get there! I honestly don't know how soon, but we will! Haha. I'm glad you loved the previous chapter =)

 **nickkandbj,** Wow, thank you! =) Hoe you like this one too =)

 **sara lance,** Awww, thanks, girl! Your review is one of my favourites so far. Please keep them coming! And you'll find out, soon! =)

 **jo michael,** Your reviews never fail to amaze me, man! I'm smiling like an idiot here, you know. Haha. Oh, that's really great. Yes, I am having the best times because of all the OITNB promo! *jumps up and down*

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Awww, thank you very much. Hope you'd enjoy this chapter as well. You'll get to know more about Alex (and Piper) soon. =)

 **vausegasm,** OMG thanks girl! Your review was so cute, lol. Sorry for leaving you hanging. Smut coming in the future chapters, don't worry. Haha. Thanks again! =)

 **Batman05,** Oh, man! I just found out about that song and I can say I am now obsessed! Thank you! I had a difficulty writing this chapter but I always find the inspiration to continue whenever I would listen to that song because you were right, those lines really suit Alex and Piper here. And it's all because of you! So a loud shoutout to you because you helped made this chapter happen! =) THANK YOU!

 **izzielg,** I'm so sorry it took this chapter long! Hope you've read the author's note above. That's my excuse. Lol. But thank you for your review! Appreciated =)

 **Guest (amazing story),** Thank you! I'm glad you still like my own version of Alex and Piper. You're wonderful, too *blushes*

 **Guest (amazing chapter),** Thank you! Hope you like this one, too, despite the lack of proofreading lol.

 **Marijn,** Awww, I'm glad you found the last chapter cute. There's gonna be more of cute parts, of course, but there are also gonna be dark ones, so hopefully I will be able to manage to balance that. =) Yes, you'll find out soon what really happened to Alex. Thanks, girl!

 **FFChik,** Yeah, I love hot and heavy Piper and Alex but I don't think that suits them in this story so here ya go. Thank you!

 **moanzs,** Thank you for that review! Glad you liked it, although it wasn't really much a 'date'. =) Yeah, trying to unfold Alex's story slowly. Build up and all. Lol.

 **I3VauseMan,** Don't apologize! I guess I just really am not very good at accepting compliments, haha. But I'm still very thankful. Yeah, I think the Piper and Alex here and kind of far from the Alex and Piper we're used to. I, of course, don't want those lovable personalities of them gone so I'm kind of incorporating those here bits by bits. I just really want to explore both broken Piper and Alex I don't know why. Haha.

 **Guest (last review),** Thank you! Here's another chapter, sorry if it's a bit crappy.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**

So hi there guys! I'm so sorry this took me quite a long time to post. I'm back at the university now and they're already bombarding us with so many things to do so I'm really finding it hard to find time to work on this. So for the next four weeks I probably will just be able to post one or two more chapters and I apologize for that but I swear after this summer class I'll be back to posting quicker that that already.

And oh my God I can't believe Season 3 is finally here! We've waited long enough. Enjoy binge watching. Enjoy Vauseman. I can't wait to talk to all of you about it during the next chapter. =)

Sorry for the typos and all other mistakes. Haven't proofread again. And I'm probably gonna regret posting this without re-reading it but it's been way long overdue. Thank you for all your wonderful reviews!

 **5**

"Alex... Alex, wake up." Piper whispered to Alex as she shook her. The raven-haired had her arm wrapped around Piper's waist, while Piper's hand was cupping her face, trying to shake her awake.

After about just a few seconds, Alex opened her eyes abruptly, a bit startled on why Piper was waking her up. "What?"

"Wait, don't move. Please stay still," Piper said, again in a whisper, and she sounded so scared Alex absentmindedly pulled her closer to her, wrapping her arm around her waist even tighter. As per the blonde's instruction, she stayed still, trying to figure out what on earth was going on.

"What? Why? What is going on? Is everything all right?" Alex now brought her hand to Piper's face, rubbing her thumb on her jaw, trying to make her calm. She was still half-asleep but the look on the blonde's face was enough for her to keep her eyes open.

"Yeah." Piper's eyes were starting to water and Alex was pretty certain she was about to cry any minute now. Then she looked behind Alex, looking at something in particular, her eyes filled with fear. "But there's a fucking _spider_ on your fucking wall."

Alex almost dropped her hand immediately, finally letting out the breath she's been holding ever since Piper woke her up. "Jesus Christ, Piper! For a second there, I really thought someone was trying to kill us," she complained, as these kinds of things were not unusual to her because of the job she used to have. "Did you really just wake me up to show me a fucking spider?" If it wasn't so early, Alex would've laughed at how adorable Piper looked right now, but it wasn't even seven o'clock in the morning and Piper knew very well that she was not a morning person.

"No," Piper answered, oblivious to Alex's slight irritation. "I need you to kill it."

"What?"

"Please, Alex. I'm freaking out here. What if it flies over here and bite me?"

Alex finally let out her laugh, unable to be annoyed at Piper for more than a few seconds. "Pipes, spiders don't _fly_." She tried, prying herself out of Piper's grip, but the blonde held on to her like she was holding on to her dear life so she just stayed still, putting her hand on Piper's nape, as she played with her hair. "Let's just go back to sleep, okay? It's too fucking early."

"I don't care. And no, we're not going back to sleep unless that shit is dead. Just kill the goddamned spider, I feel like my fucking throat is closing."

"All right, all right. Then take your hands off me for a while so I can walk over there and actually do the killing? I can't just stare at it 'til it dies, kid." But Piper made no move in letting go of Alex. "Come on, Pipes. I'm not gonna let it get to you." Finally, Piper let go of Alex as Alex made her way to the spider which was crawling slowly on her wall. "Jesus..." she shook her head and chuckled at how ridiculous this all was. She then hit it with a rolled magazine and soon enough, it has dropped lifeless on her floor.

"Is it dead?"

"Do you want me to pick it up for you?" Alex asked, still chuckling at Piper.

Piper glared a look and if looks could kill, she would have had the same fate as the spider by now. "Don't you fucking dare." Piper by now has strewn the blanket all over her, the blanket reaching just between her nose and eyes.

Alex was just about to walk back to her bed but before she could do so, an idea struck her. "Oh my God, Piper, don't freak out, okay?" she said, her face plastered with a look of concern.

Immediately, Piper's eyes widened, not knowing what had made Alex look like that. "What? Why?"

"Stay still." She slowly walked towards the bed, her hand slightly raised, silently telling Piper to not move a muscle. "Don't move." Then, when she was already on the foot of the bed, she threw a small crumpled piece of paper that Piper didn't notice she picked up before she turned to face her on the blonde as she yelled. "There's a spider on your neck!"

And as if her body was set on fire, Piper threw the blanket away from her as she stood up, jumping up and down and trying to swat the _nonexistent_ spider off of her. "Oh my God! Get it off me! Alex!"

Alex fell down to the bed, laughing uncontrollably, her eyes almost watering at the sight. She never thought she would ever enjoy waking up this early but seeing the look on Piper's face right now was the most hilarious, and probably the cutest, too, thing she'd ever seen in a long time.

When Piper realized that Alex was just fucking with her, she felt her knees weaken and had to sit on the bed to calm herself. But when she's gathered enough strength to deal with what Alex had just made her go through, she faced her, took a pillow and started hitting Alex with it. "You fucking bitch!"

"Hey!" Alex kept laughing and laughing trying to dodge the pillow Piper was hitting her with. They were facing each other, both kneeling on the bed. Piper kept trying to hit her mercilessly so when she got a chance, she grabbed the pillow from Piper, threw it away and held Piper's hands together, her laughter still echoing inside her room.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you," Piper said as she weakly tried to pry her arms off from Alex's grasp, feeling herself still shake at the panic Alex had caused her.

Alex's laughter had now turned into a smirk, shaking her head at Piper. "No, you don't."

This time, Piper had stopped fighting Alex, shaking her head slightly. "No. No, I don't." But then she started to get so overwhelmed that she was soon starting to cry. "But, fuck you."

"Hey," Alex suddenly let go of Piper's hands and brought them to her hips, pulling her closer to her. She was still chuckling a bit at the realization that she had never seen Piper look more adorable than right now, looking like a little child sobbing with her head pressed between her neck and shoulders. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I promise." She kissed the top of Piper's head, feeling wet tears on her shoulders. She then pulled Piper's head to be able to look her in the eye and apologize sincerely. "I'm sorry," she was still smiling as she kissed Piper on both her cheeks. "I'm an asshole, I know. Please stop crying?" She kissed her again, this time on the lips and she could feel Piper nod.

"I'm sorry I'm being overdramatic. It's just that... spiders scare me," Piper pouted, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Alex bit the inside of her cheek, trying to suppress her uncontrollable desire to crush Piper with a tight hug. "I know. I'm sorry, okay? From now on, I will steer you clear from every motherfuckin' spider we will ever see. I promise." Alex kissed her again and with the way Piper smiled at her, she knew that all was forgiven. "So, you forgive me?"

"Hmm... I probably need a little more convincing," Piper said, wiping the tears that were still forming on her eyes.

"Oh... okay." Alex kissed Piper again, both her arms rubbing Piper's back up and down. "Then... how about we go take a shower right now?"

"How is that going to make me forgive you?"

"Well, it's your day off. And I realized I still haven't make up for that first time we went out. So now that I already have my car with me, I've decided to take you out. And I mean, out _out._ We're going out of town, kid."

-o-o-o-

By past nine o'clock, Alex and Piper were already inside the former's Jaguar F-Type, driving out of the town. Piper found it so liberating that after almost five months, she's finally got the chance to get out of this town, even just for a while. She's always wanted to get out every once in a while, whenever she would get the chance, but she felt like if ever she did, she'd _want_ to not go back again.

For the past years, she's never really stayed at a place for more than six months. She didn't want to have the chance to get attached to a certain place and to be able to build a relationship with someone. So when it would get to a point where the wall she's surrounded herself was threatened to be ripped down, she'd take that as a cue to leave, before she could entangle herself in something that she couldn't get out of.

And it wasn't at all difficult for her to do just that. She could count in two hands the number of people who had tried to get close to her for the past few years, but there was none of them she'd allowed to get close _enough._ She grew up in a family which didn't give her enough _affection_ , enough _care_ , enough _love_. All they ever cared were themselves and that resulted into the person she was, someone who was so good at shutting people off, at pushing people away before they were even close _enough_ to get away from. She never really knew how it felt like to _want_ to be loved by anyone.

Well, until now.

This was the first time she actually never wanted to leave a place. And she knew very well that it wasn't the place she wanted to stay for, it was a _certain_ person, who currently had her palm over hers while driving. She looked at Alex, _stared_ at her, and couldn't help but smile at the thought of her life changing over the past few weeks because of this woman.

Alex looked at her and smiled when she saw her staring. "What are you thinking?" she asked as she looked back on the road.

"I'm thinking about what I would be doing now if you didn't show up that first day we met."

"And what would that be?"

"Probably looking for a job."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I think I would've left this place by now and starting a new life at another one."

Alex again looked at her and gave her a puzzled look. "You haven't told me your story yet."

It was Piper who looked away first this time, unsure if she wanted to ruin this day with her fucked up story. "I will. One day." She smiled, and she knew Alex understood.

It was about 10 minutes later when Alex stopped and to say Piper was surprised was an understatement. They stopped at the side of the road, in front of what seemed to be a forest, before Alex drove towards what seemed to be a driveway and parked her car. Piper had been thinking too much while they were driving that she had not paid attention to where Alex was taking her. It seemed like a very remote place, seeing there was not a single house anywhere. It was just trees everywhere and the long road that led to nowhere.

"What is this place? Are you gonna try and kill me?"

"You'll see. And no, I am not _that_ violent, kid. Wait a minute here, okay." Alex opened her car and leaned in to get something. When she got out, she was holding a large basket and a bag, much to Piper's surprise.

"What is that? How long has that been in there?"

Alex chuckled at Piper's face, looking somewhat terrified of her answer. "I prepared it today, while you were in the shower."

"Oh, is that why you didn't wanna join me?"

"Yeah, plus the fact that I don't find you hot enough to join you in the shower."

"Hey!" Piper playfully smacked Alex's arm and Alex just laughed at her.

"Are you gonna help me with this or what?" Piper took the bag from her before Alex took one of her hands and started leading her inside the 'forest.' Come on."

A few minutes and more questions from Piper later, Alex finally stopped and Piper felt like someone had caught her breath because right in front of her was one of the most beautiful places she had ever seen her entire life. There were still trees everywhere, somewhat forming a circle around the place, but this time they weren't your typical trees looking so green from all of their leaves. Those trees were colourful from the flowers that were blooming from every part and she was mesmerized. And what made the place even more beautiful was the lake that was right in the middle of the place.

"Wow, Alex," Piper said, almost in a whisper. "This place is beautiful."

"Yeah, it is," answered Alex. But what Piper didn't know was Alex wasn't talking about the place. She had been there quite a number of times and she had gotten used to how the place looked. No, what Alex called beautiful was the blonde that her eyes had never left the moment they got here. As Piper looked everywhere, taking in the beauty of the place, Alex looked at Piper and how even more beautiful she looked.

"How did you find this?" Piper finally looked at Alex, wearing the biggest smile Alex had ever seen Piper wear.

"My mom used to bring me here a lot when I was a kid. Well, that was when she got time off work, anyway." Piper was giving her a certain look and she didn't know why. She was smiling, and just staring at her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Piper slightly shook her head as she went over to Alex. "I've never seen a place this beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here." She then pressed her lips against hers, and she could feel Alex smile into the kiss.

"You ain't seen nothing yet, kid." She, too, pressed a kiss on Piper's forehead until she let go of her. "Come on, let's eat breakfast.

Alex then opened the basket and revealed a blanket and a number of food inside. She laid down the blanket and brought out everything she could prepare earlier without Piper seeing her. Piper was squealing like an excited little girl the whole time, confessing that she's never had a 'picnic' before. They then ate afterwards, with a lot of kissing and talking in between, until about an hour later when they felt like they've had enough.

"Hey, come on, let's swim." Alex suddenly suggested, as she tried to pull Piper up from lying on the blanket strewn underneath her.

"I didn't bring any clothes with me," Piper complained, refusing to let Alex pull her up. "We didn't exactly plan ahead, you know."

"You didn't. I did. I brought you clothes. It's all in the bag, now come on!"

Still surprised that Alex had been planning this day all along, Piper's face broke out in a smile and kissed Alex on the nose. "Awww, you are so cute!"

"Okay, kid. I am a lot of things, cute is not one of them."

"Oh but you are."

"Am not."

"Are, too."

"Whatever, so are you gonna swim or what?"

"I don't know. What if it's cold?"

"Well how are you gonna know if you don't get your ass up? I'm going in, just follow me whenever you stop being a chicken."

"Oh, fuck off!"

Alex just chuckled at Piper and started walking towards the lake. When she got near enough, she took off her clothes, slowly and not before she could look back at Piper and winked at her. She could see the blonde's eyes take in her form as she undid her pants as well. "Like what you see?"

"Yeah, I do," answered Piper, smiling widely. She had seen Alex in just her underwear before but she could still feel the heat on her cheeks as she watched the raven-haired undress in front of her. Alex had now dove into the lake and kept calling her to go and join her. "Nope, don't wanna get wet!" she yelled so Alex could hear her.

"Who says you need to get into the lake to get wet?" Alex yelled back and raised her eyebrow at her, with that shit-eating grin that Piper always found so _seductive._

She and Alex have made out a lot. They would kiss like crazy, touch each other, and feel their skin against each other's. There were a lot of times when she thought they were gonna go _beyond_ that but either she would stop or Alex would. It was like there was an unspoken pact between them that they shouldn't take it any further yet, like they weren't ready for it or for how it was gonna affect whatever they had right now between them.

"Hey, Pipes?" yelled Alex again, breaking Piper's thoughts. "Could you get me some bagel? I'm starving."

"What? Again? We just ate!" But Piper obliged and took one bagel and walked over the lake. And when she was near enough, Alex took her completely by surprise by splashing as much water as she can over her, instantly soaking her shirt and pants. "What the fuck?!" Alex laughed so loudly and kept splashing water over her. "You bitch!"

Piper had now thrown the bagel away and started taking her clothes off, shaking her head at Alex's silliness but also smiling at the sight in front of her. Alex was laughing like she had never seen her laugh before. She looked so carefree and seemed as if there wasn't a huge weight over her shoulders and Piper loved it. So if this was what she needed to do just to see Alex smile some more, then so be it.

She had by now joined Alex in the lake, splashing her water, too, until they were splashing water all over each other like little girls who hadn't been let out to play in a long time. They were both laughing and Piper knew she had never felt this happy before. It was as if they had suddenly created a world just for the two of them, completely hiding from everything and everyone from outside. They were now enclosed in some kind of bubble, a bubble Piper was sure she didn't want to burst any time soon, if that meant having to shut the rest of the world from her while having Alex all to herself at the same time.

"Ceasefire!" Alex shouted, still laughing. She then slowly made her way towards Piper, and then wrapped her in her arms as she looked into the blonde's cerulean blue eyes, a thing that had become a habit, and let herself get lost in them once more. "Are you having fun?"

Piper nodded, her grin still plastered all over her face. "Yes. Thank you for this."

Alex smiled back, seeing Piper smile this way making her happier than forgetting about the rest of the world for a while. She then slowly pressed a soft kiss on Piper's lips, closing her eyes at the contact. She loved the feel of Piper's soft lips against hers, loved the way Piper smiled into the kiss, loved the way Piper had wrapped her arms on her hips, pulling her closer to her. She loved the way that kiss seemed to make everything _better_ , to make everything else _disappear._ It brought her a sense of calm because she was finally doing something _right_.

"What do you think about sleeping out here tonight?"

"I'm going to try to ignore the fact that there might be wolves and bears and things that can eat me out here and say that I'd love to but I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't think you're capable of waking up early enough to get me home on time."

Alex chuckled and shook her head. "You don't trust me enough. Kid. But, fortunately for you... and me, of course, I already asked Red to give you the day off and she said yes." Alex could see the surprise on Piper's face and she couldn't help but smirk. "And also, this place is safe. I told you I've been here a lot. No one's gonna eat you here... unless you want me to."

Piper chuckled and hit Alex on her arm but couldn't hide the fact that she got turned on just by hearing Alex say that. "You really asked Red to give me another day off?"

"Yeah, kid. So? What do you say?"

"Sleepover in the woods it is!"

So Alex and Piper spent the rest of the day just enjoying each other's company. During lunch, Alex had to bring Piper somewhere else because she had only brought breakfast with them. Afterwards, they went to a small grocery to buy some stuff they needed for dinner. To say Piper was excited was an understatement. She was feeling _ecstatic_ and couldn't wait to spend the rest of the day with Alex and only Alex, without the rest of the world trying to ruin it for her.

It was night time and Alex and Piper were sitting close together in front the bonfire that Alex made (something that impressed Piper even more) while they were cooking their dinner, hotdogs (with marshmallows, which Piper insisted on).

Alex was right when she told Piper she had not seen the real beauty of the place yet. At this hour, the lake looked even more magnificent as it was illuminated by the stars above it. It looked as if it was sparkling and Piper couldn't take her eyes off of it. She then managed to look above her and see the glowing sky with the million stars scattered all over. And then finally, her eyes made her way to the _most_ beautiful sight of all. _Alex._

And she, too, was looking up above, a genuine smile plastered all over her face. Until she felt Piper's eyes on her and looked back at the blonde. "I can't believe I'm eating _hotdog_ for dinner," Alex said, chuckling and cringing at the same time.

Piper laughed at Alex's reaction and brought her hotdog towards the other woman's mouth, causing Alex to swat her hand away from her. "What? I'm just trying to feed you!" she said in between laughs. "Have you ever done this with anyone else apart from your Mom?"

"Nicky."

"Just her?"

Alex looked at Piper and cocked an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, why do you ask?"

Piper just smiled and shook her head. "Nothing."

"How come you never talk about yourself to me? Or anyone for that matter?" Alex noticed the sudden change in Piper's mood and instantly regretted asking the question. "You don't have to answer, I just..."

"It's... it's a little complicated," Piper answered, unsure on what to say.

"I understand if you don't wanna talk about it. But if one day, you'd feel like you just wanna let things out, you gotta know you can always talk to me, okay?"

"Thank you," Piper pressed a kiss onto Alex's lips as a thank you that she understood. One of the things that Piper liked so much about her was the fact that she could probably say that she killed someone and Alex still would not judge her. It probably had something to do with the fact that they were both messed up in their own ways and there was really no space for any judgments between them, but Piper was still grateful for it and she knew that one day, when she could get past the swirling darkness within her, she'd let Alex know.

The night went by fast and soon enough, Piper and Alex were lying side by side inside the tent that Alex had brought with them. They were just studying each other's faces, as if they haven't done that enough, when all they ever did whenever they were in this position was stare at each other, as if memorizing every part of each other's face. "You have no idea how happy you made me today," whispered Taylor as she gently stroked Alex's face with her thumb.

Alex just smiled at her, and then brought their faces closer together, kissing her in the gentlest way Piper has ever been kissed. And Piper didn't know what, but something finally clicked. She didn't want to hold back any longer. She wanted Alex and she wanted all of her now. So instead of slowing down the kiss just like she usually did, she pressed her body even closer to Alex and kissed her just a little bit harder.

And somehow, Alex understood.

She kissed Piper back with much fervour, tracing the blonde's lower lip with her tongue, asking for permission to explore the inside of Piper's mouth, wanting to taste more of her. And Piper obliged, opening her mouth, allowing the entrance Alex's tongue craved for until their tongues were battling for dominance, their hands exploring each other's body like there was no tomorrow, feeling the heat explode within them realizing what was about to happen.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" asked Alex softly, knowing that Piper had never been with a woman before. But she couldn't see any hesitance in Piper's actions and her eyes and she knew that it was finally happening.

"Yes. Stop being a sap and just _fuck me_ , Alex. I've waited long enough."

And it was all Alex needed. She had by now flipped Piper on her back as she rolled over her, kissing Piper with much more urgency. Her lips then slowly made its way down on Piper's neck, and she took her time licking and sucking, knowing that it'd probably leave a mark, but nor caring because the moans that were coming out of Piper's mouth was enough to make her stop caring about anything else but Piper's own pleasure.

When she felt that Piper's clothes were becoming too much of a barrier between them, she held on to the hem of Piper's shirt and took it off of her as her lips found Piper's chest, kissing it softly before going back to the blonde's neck, kissing and sucking and biting. The blonde was writhing beneath her, saying her name over and over like a prayer and it was driving her crazy.

Alex then took off Piper's bra next, leaning up a little so she could see her perfect breasts. She cupped one of them and was amazed by how perfect it fit her hand. She kneaded it while her mouth busied itself with Piper's other nipple, her tongue making circles around it and sucking alternately until Piper was grasping her hair, pulling her closer. She did the same to the blonde's other breast and Piper felt as if she was going to explode. The things Alex's hands and mouth were doing to her were so much beyond her expectations and it was taking every ounce of her strength not to let go at that moment.

"Alex..." she whispered. _"Please."_

"Tell me what you want, babe." But Piper just moaned, unable to speak as Alex sucked on her nipple once more, her hand going impossibly close to her core as Alex rubbed her thigh. "Tell me or I'll stop," she added, in that voice that made Piper even crazier.

"Fuck me. I need you, inside me. Right. Now."

Alex was illuminated with the soft flicker of the light coming from the lamp inside their tent and Piper thought she'd never seen her look even more beautiful when she smiled at her request. She then kissed her on her lips before making a trace of little kisses downwards, to the middle of her chest, then to her belly. She was taking her time and it was so deliciously torturous to Piper that she was almost pushing Alex right to where she needed her _most_.

Taking the hint, Alex _finally_ tugged at Piper's pants, taking her underwear with it until she was fully naked to Alex's eyes. She could see the lust that filled those beautiful emerald green eyes as her fingers dipped into her core just slightly, feeling the wetness drip from it.

"Fuck, you're so wet, Pipes." Alex's fingers dipped a little deeper, before bringing it to her mouth, causing her to moan at the delicious taste of Piper. She then returned her finger inside Piper, bringing it in and out, so slowly Piper thought she was going to pass out. But before she could do so, Alex added another finger inside her, causing Piper to gasp, as Alex slid in and out of her a little faster, bringing Piper so much closer to her release.

And just when Piper thought she couldn't hold it any longer, Alex removed her fingers inside of her, replacing it with her mouth. Alex's tongue swiped up and down on Piper's nub, the blonde's screams getting louder and louder. She lapped up the blonde's wetness before filling Piper with her fingers again, until her mouth and fingers were doing things simultaneously, mixed with the beautiful harmony of Piper's screams and moans and whimpers of her name.

She then felt Piper's walls tighten until the blonde was screaming her name, feeling the pleasure take over her as she felt herself shatter in the most pleasurable way possible. Alex slowed down her fingers, helping Piper come down from the high of her orgasm, before she made her way up and kissed Piper gently. She then peppered Piper's face with little kissed, causing Piper to smile and blush at the sweet gesture.

Alex then laid on her side, staring at Piper, taking in how beautiful she looked.

"That..." Piper said in between heavy breaths, "...was amazing."

"Oh but when my clothes are still on, it means I'm not yet done with you, babe."

And Alex did it again, bringing Piper to a shattering mess over and over and over until they both couldn't take it any longer. It was a beautiful night and everything felt right and Alex knew Piper had never looked more beautiful.

And so when the blonde smiled at her, that achingly gorgeous smile that always melted Alex's heart, she knew she had found the right time. She was ready to let Piper all the way in.

"I'm ready."

"What?"

"I'm ready to tell you everything."

 **SHOUTOUT:**

 **Budda1127, jo michael, moanzs, Guest ("this made me cry"), ejm137, vausegasm, elliellie1, sara lance, ManveerlovesVauseman, Phantomjazz, Al, Sue, TinyGuitarist, xunconsciousx, I3Vauseman, Bella, Izzielg, FFChik, Marijn, nickkandbj, Lily, HookedOnThisFic, Guest ("favourite"), VauseSearch, ArabianKnights,**

Guys, I'm so sorry. I would reply to you one by one but it's almost 3 am here and I my eyes are giving up on me already. I just really needed to post one more chapter before season 3 is out and I promise I will go back to replying to all of your messages when I get a little more time. Just know that I appreciate all your reviews and your wonderful comments never cease to make my heart swell. Thank you, and I heart all of you!

My apologies for the smut. Not my strongest suit.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**

Hi! I'm sorry again this took so long. I hope you're all still with me.

Anyway, I have watched the entire season 3 of Orange Is The New Black and to say I'm disappointed with how things turned out for Vauseman adn Piper would be the understatement of the year. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to get over it until they release Season 4 so I think I'm just going to channel my frustration in writing. Haha.

This chaper has no Vauseman in it and I'm sorry. It had nothing to do with Season 3, honestly. I've already created a 'timeline' for this story and it just happened that this chapter coincided with OITNB's new season so there. Alex's backstory! Please let me know what you think. I heart you all :"

Again, haven't proofread and I feel so bad for neglecting that part but time's really against me here so please forgive me for all the mistakes.

 **6**

 **18 months ago...**

 _Alex was having the worst night of her life when she met her. One of her mules ran away with the 200 grams of heroin she was supposed to move to Jakarta and she had to clean the mess before that stupid fucker could ruin what she'd been working for, for more than six years of her life now. Thankfully, Fahri's guys got to her before she could get out of the country but that only meant hours and hours of lecture from him. Alex treated him like a big brother but sometimes he could really get into her nerves. Like she wanted this to happen._

 _So to calm her nerves even just a bit, she went to the closest bar she could find, not bothering to check whether it was up to her standards. She just wanted something to drink, hopefully something enough to knock her out as soon as she got back to her hotel. Usually, she would want the night to end with some hot girl screaming her name in her bed but tonight wasn't the night for that. She wanted to be alone._

 _But her night got even worse when someone dumb enough to not look where she was walking knocked into her and spilled her beer all over her. "What the fuck?!"_

 _"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh my God."_

 _The lady tried to wipe the wetness that had already seeped through Alex's leather jacket but was only making it worse so Alex had to grip her wrists to stop whatever it was she was doing. "Stop." Alex just had to remove her jacket and exhaled when she saw that the beer didn't seep through her shirt._

 _"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. Oh my God."_

 _Alex wanted to be pissed, to yell at this woman for ruining her night even more but one look at her and she couldn't lash out at her anymore. She was almost as tall as her, probably just an inch shorter, had short brunette hair and was obviously British. Judging by the way she was standing, this woman had already more than enough to drink. "It's okay. Just look where you're going next time." Alex started walking away, itching to finally get that drink, when the woman spoke again._

 _"Hey, I really feel bad about what happened. Can I at least buy you a drink to make up for it?"_

 _Alex hesitated before responding. She really wanted to be alone tonight. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone a stranger who spilled her drink all over her, but surprisingly she found herself agreeing to the brunette. "Sure."_

 _"I'm Ashley, by the way."_

 _"Alex."_

 _.-.-.-._

 _Three hours more into the night, Ashley was already wasted. She was slurring all her words and she kept laughing and laughing at everything, even those things that weren't even remotely funny. She was becoming so uncoordinated that she kept knocking things out, but surprisingly, Alex wasn't finding any of this irritating. She tried to assess herself whether she was regretting taking up the girl's offer for a drink but she realized that she wasn't. Instead, she found herself trying to understand every word Ashley was saying just to be able to keep the conversation going, found herself laughing with Ashley every time the brunette did so, and found herself putting back in place everything the other girl kept knocking out. Much to her surprise, she realized that she was having more fun than she had ever had in as long as she could remember._

 _"You look really hot," Ashley blurted out all of a sudden causing Alex to chuckle._

 _"Oh, really?" she asked with a smirk and her signature eyebrow raise._

 _"Yeah. I've never met anyone as hot as you."_

 _"Well, you don't look bad yourself, kid." And Alex meant it. She's met a lot of women. She had travelled to so many places to have had the luxury of meeting a huge number of beautiful women but there was something in Ashley that she liked so much. It was probably her laid back personality, her enthusiasm about everything around her, her obviously lack of need to please anyone. She was who she was and she didn't care if one person liked her or not. That probably was a lot to say about a woman she barely knew but Alex had been observing her all night and studying women was something she was pretty good at considering her job._

 _She didn't realize that they had been holding each other's gaze for quite some time now until Ashley stood up and made her way closer to her. "It makes me wanna kiss you."_

 _Alex just smirked and cocked her head a little, until her eyes had gone down to Ashley's lips. And then without missing a heartbeat, their lips were already pressed against each other._

 _.-.-.-._

 _Ashley went home with Alex afterwards, and they spent the night in Alex's bed, exploring each other's bodies like there was no tomorrow until exhaustion took over them and they'd fallen asleep with their limbs tangled and their bodies closely pressed together._

 _Alex had fallen asleep that night not knowing that she had just met the person that would change her entire life forever._

 _The next month was pure bliss for Alex and Ashley. After the first night they slept together, it had become a constant thing for them to see each other every time their schedules allowed them to and especially to sleep together every time they could._

 _At first, it was all about the sex. Alex loved having sex with Ashley, she loved the way she reacted to her, the way she made her feel. But then as the clock ticked, whatever was going on between them started evolving into something so much more. Their times together spent in bed had suddenly become time to talk, to get to know each other better. There were days when Alex felt as if it was time for it to stop. She was growing closer to Ashley every day that passed and she was terrified of that._

 _It wasn't just the fact that Ashley had no idea about her job. Or that her time in London was almost coming to its end and soon enough, she was leaving for another country. It was also the fact that Alex didn't do these kinds of things. She never got close to anyone. She never liked getting attached to a person and the vulnerability that came with that. She wanted her control and her ability to shut people off whenever she needed to._

 _But all of that seemed to have just disappeared when she met Ashley. She was slowly losing all control over what she felt but it wasn't even that that terrified her. It was the fact that she was okay with it and even though she was trying to convince herself that she wanted all of it to finally come to its end, she couldn't bring herself to do the first move to do just that._

 _And so it went on, until finally the fact that Alex couldn't stay had finally caught up with them._

 _They were both in bed, naked and wrapped in sheets and each other, when Alex decided to finally tell her. "I'm leaving in three days."_

 _"Ooh, okay." Ashley said much to Alex's surprise. "When are you coming back?"_

 _"I'm... not." Alex felt Ashley stiffen and it somehow broke something in her. They were quiet for a moment, both unsure of what to say next. Alex wanted to look at Ashley, to see whether she was feeling the same loss she kind of felt knowing they only had three days left together, but a part of her was also terrified, having no idea what was going on in the other woman's mind._

 _"Oh!" Ashley then spoke, in an almost high-pitched tone, "Oh okay... then we better make our last three days together worth remembering, right?" She had by now untangled herself from Alex, only pressing a soft kiss on her lips before she got out of bed. "I... uh, I gotta go pee. Stay right there, okay?" Then she hurriedly went to the bathroom, leaving Alex as if someone had just ripped her heart out._

 _They spent the next three days almost not leaving each other's sides._

 _The next day after Alex told Ashley she was leaving was also the first day she had ever cooked for her. She wanted to believe it was some kind of an apology for having to leave things like that, but she also wanted it to be some sort of goodbye, as if it was the closest thing to a 'goodbye' Alex could ever give her._

 _One day before Alex had to leave, they were both a bit more edgy, as if they'd forgotten how to act normally around each other. They'd always been so at ease whenever they were together, always in sync in almost everything they did, but that day felt as if they were both on opposite sides of a long rope, both at the same place, but never really meeting. They fucked, and it was far from gentle. They were both hurried, as if they were running from time, time which was about to take everything good that they had away from them, time that was just waiting to catch up until it could finally separate them for good._

 _Alex found it so heartbreakingly painful, and she wasn't even sure why, but she had to convince herself that this was the right thing to do, that leaving for good was for her own sake, and for Ashley's, too. But no matter how much convincing she did to herself, there was nothing in her leaving seemed justified._

 _And that's when she knew that having Ashley by her side was all that made everything right._

 _The day they were dreading came and Alex was already at Ashley's doorway, her cab just waiting for her. Ashley wanted to take her to the airport, but Alex knew that wasn't a good idea. So she spent a good five minutes just kissing her, trying to tell her through that how much she was gonna miss her, hoping that it could also tell Ashley how much she hated that she couldn't stay._

 _"I had a great time."_

 _"Yeah, me too. Call me, okay?"_

 _Ashley's voice almost cracked and it only made matters worse for Alex because she couldn't suddenly move her feet._

 _This wasn't right._

 _This did not feel right._

 _She shouldn't be leaving._

 _But she had to._

 _"I will. Bye, Ash."_

 _"Goodbye, Alex."_

 _.-.-.-._

 _Ten minutes had passed when Ashley heard the doorbell ring. She slowly walked towards her door, still feeling the loss that Alex left her when she got inside that cab, and when the cab started moving away from her place._

 _But nothing could have prepared her for what she'd seen when she opened the door._

 _"Alex? What are you... I thought, I thought you already left?"_

 _"I... I was about to. But then, I realized something. I know that you probably will find this stupid or whatever and that you have built a life here and that, I don't know, there may be things or people that, you know, you don't wanna leave behind. But I've spent the last two months with you and I won't hide the fact that I liked it. I liked your company and... I don't think I want that to end just yet."_

 _A look of confusion spread all over Ashley's face and Alex instantly regretted coming back. "I don't understand. What are you trying to say?" But she was smiling, and Alex knew that smile very well. Ashley had already realized what she was trying to say but she wanted to hear it from her._

 _"I'm pretty sure you already have an idea."_

 _"No." Ashley said, shaking her head, her lips still tugged into a smile. "No, I don't."_

 _Alex sighed and shook her head, but found herself smiling with Ashley. It had become a reflex, as if Ashley's smile should always be followed by hers. "Ugh. You cocky, little shit," Alex mumbled and Ashley's laughter could be heard all over the street. "I might have accidentally booked two tickets to Brussels."_

 _"Oh, yeah?" Ashley asked, still smirking at Alex._

 _"Yeah." After that, Alex's smile suddenly faded, and a look of seriousness took over her face. "I want you to come with me."_

 _Ashley's laughter had now turned into the smile that Alex loved seeing so much, and Alex knew her answer before she even said it._

 _.-.-.-._

 _Everything just went perfectly from then on. Ashley came with Alex to Brussels and soon enough they were in another country and then another and then another._

 _They never discussed Alex's job. Whenever Ashley would ask, Alex would just tell her she imported 'stuff' and even though Alex could feel that Ashley wanted to know more, she never asked. And for a while, everything was what Alex wanted it to be. They were happy, and Alex had finally stopped justifying everything she was feeling to herself. She just let it take over her and she loved the feeling of finally letting go all her fears and doubts about whatever it was that she felt for this woman._

 _She never told her those three words yet. But she felt it. And she knew Ashley did, too._

 _And for a while, that was enough._

 _Alex came home one night to Ashley in just her Rolling Stones t-shirt, dancing to Rolling Stones' Gimme Shelter, bringing a wide smile to Alex's face. She hadn't announced her arrival yet, thanking every god out there that Ashley had her back on her so she could watch her for a while, and take in the beauty that was this person. She was bobbing her head, swaying her hips and Alex couldn't help but stare at her longs legs, her shirt only reaching her mid-thigh._

 _After a short more while, she then finally cleared her throat, much to Ashley's surprise. She turned around and widened her eyes at her, causing Alex to let out a loud chuckle. The brunette immediately turned the radio off, squinting her eyes at Alex._

 _"How long have you been there?"_

 _"Long enough to know that you've got some moves on you," Alex said, smiling widely, as she walked towards Ashley, wrapping her arms around her waist before she brought her lips against hers. "You're so hot. My shirt looks so good on you. But you'd look even better without it."_

 _"Hmm, really? Why don't you take it off then?"_

 _Oh, I plan to, babe. But first... dance with me."_

 _Alex turned the radio back on and Wild Horses started playing. Ashley pressed her forehead against hers and they soon were swaying slowly to the music. It wasn't really dancing. It was them merely moving together to the music, feeling now more than ever how incredibly perfect they felt together._

 _And Alex knew by then that she made the right choice by asking Ashley to come with her. Because this. This was what she wanted to go home to every day for the rest of her life._

 _But all good things must always come to their ends._

 _"Alex, do you think I don't notice every time you sneak out of the room when your phone rings? Or when your normal voice turns into a whisper when I catch you talking to someone? I tried to ignore it, really. Because I thought, what the fuck do I care, right? But it's really getting so tiring of ignoring all of this, whatever it is that you're hiding. If you wanna hide something then go, I'm not stopping you. At least do a better job at it."_

 _It was probably the last straw and Alex couldn't really blame Ashley for it. It was the hundredth time she had caught her doing it, talking on phone in hushed tone, shrugging Ashley's questions off, not giving her a believable enough answer and maybe Ashley had finally got tired ignoring it._

 _She wanted to apologize, to explain things to her, but instead she looked for one last way out, as if it was gonna help her with anything._

 _"What do you want from me?"_

 _"What do I want? I want you to stop being a pussy."_

 _By the look on Ashley's face, Alex knew she couldn't hide it any longer. She had lied to her enough and it broke her but she had never found the courage to tell her the truth, to give her a reason to leave. "Yeah? Fine. I work for an international drug cartel, Ashley. There! You happy now?"_

 _To say Ashley looked dumbfounded would be the understatement of Alex's entire life. She looked shocked, and terrified, and betrayed. "You what?"_

 _"You heard me." Alex's voice had uncharacteristically softened, finally feeling as if she'd lost a fight she'd been trying to win for months now. She could never fight with the truth. Truth always won and now it was just about to give her one final kick in the ass._

 _"And you never thought of mentioning this to me?! Alex, I've been going all over the world with you... for months! Don't you think I could've at least deserved to know?" Alex knew Ashley was waiting for her to say something, anything, just to try to help her find some sense in this, in her lying. But she couldn't defend herself. She was wrong in keeping everything from Ashley, and she knew that. "Oh my God. I can't... I can't do this." The brunette grabbed her coat and started walking towards the door._

 _"Wait, where are you going?"_

 _"Out. I can't even look at you right now, Alex."_

 _And so she opened the door and walked out, leaving Alex to wonder whether she had just lost the most important woman in her life, next to her mother, for good._

 _.-.-.-._

 _It was almost five hours later when Ashley returned. Ever since she left, Alex had not stopped moving, trying to distract herself from dangerous thoughts of something bad happening to Ashley, or her leaving the country or whatever ridiculous ideas that attacked her mind at the time._

 _"Ashley, what the fuck, are you okay?" She rushed towards her, pulling her into a body-crushing hug, which Ashley lamely returned._

 _"I'm fine, Alex," she sounded so tired, defeated even._

 _"Jesus Christ, Ash! You don't know this place. What if something happened to you?"_

 _"I said I'm fine. I can take care of myself, Alex. You of all people know that."_

 _"Look, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, okay? I just... I knew this was how you were going to react and I just... Please don't walk out on me again like that. You scared me."_

 _"React like what?"_

 _"You found out what I do for a living and you walked out on me without even listening to what I had to say."_

 _"You think I walked out on you because you work for an international drug cartel? Alex, I walked out because you didn't tell me the truth. You've been lying to me for months, and out of all the people in my life, I trusted you enough to really think that you would be the last person to do that."_

 _Her last line stung but Alex took it, knowing she deserved it. "I'm sorry." Because what was left for her to say, really? "I'm sorry for not telling you and that I'm constantly putting you in danger with the kind of job that I have. But you don't have to be scared, okay? I won't let anything happen to you."_

 _"You think I'm scared for myself? Alex, I'm not the one who constantly goes out there and does whatever it is that you do. I'm not the one who's risking my life every fucking day. I know you think you're a badass and all that shit, but you're not invincible."_

 _"Ash, I'm fine. I've been doing this for years." It was a god damned stupid answer but Alex didn't know what else to say._

 _"You can spend the next 50 years of your life doing this but it still doesn't stop the danger, Alex. You can get used to all of it but it still doesn't change the fact that this, whatever it is that you do, is not safe, not to mention legal!"_

 _"What are you trying to tell me?"_

 _"I'm not trying to tell you anything."_

 _And even though it felt like someone was choking the air out of her, Alex asked. She had to know. "Are you leaving me?" her voice cracked, threatening to give away the fact that she hadn't ever felt more scared for an answer in all her life._

 _But Ashley shook her head and looked her in the eyes. "I don't approve of this Alex, of what you do. And I should be running away from you now, but I can't. I can't leave you. Now more than ever."_

 _.-.-.-._

 _For a while, they managed to make it work. They went back to the way they were, only this time with constant fear in Ashley every time Alex had to go to 'work.' The first few weeks she hid it from Alex, convincing her that she was fine with it, even though all she could ever do whenever Alex would go out was wait for her to come back, all the while praying to a God she didn't even believe in that Alex would come home safely._

 _But Ashley felt all of her pretenses crumble right in front of her when Alex came home, blood all over her hands and clothes._

 _"What the fuck?! Alex what happened to you?! Oh my God, are you okay?" she rushed to her and examined Alex's hands right away, and everything else, wanting to make sure that she wasn't hurt, and no matter how gross she felt, wished that those blood on Alex's hands weren't hers and somebody else's._

 _"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not hurt or anything," Alex answered but she was shaking and Ashley knew she wasn't fine._

 _"What happened?"_

 _"Nothing. It's okay."_

 _"Alex."_

 _Alex looked at Ashley and the brunette was sure she was about to cry. She swallowed hard and shut her eyes forcefully before she opened them up again. "Fahri's dead."_

 _"What?! How?"_

 _"Aydin."_

 _"Aydin? But wasn't he..."_

 _"Yeah. One of the mules was caught and, uh, Fahri was supposed to be there to pick her up at the airport, but he missed it." Alex shook her head, still trying to fight off the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. She's been with Fahri for so long, he had become a family to her and seeing him get shot in front of her was more than she could take. But she couldn't break down in front of Ashley. Not now. Not ever. "And he tried to hide from Kubra, but... he still found him anyway. So... yeah. There."_

 _"Oh, Alex," Ashley had now pulled her into an embrace and Alex almost lost it right there. So she had to pull away, before she could do something she would regret. "Alex, you have to get out." Her eyes were pleading. Ashley looked so scared and Alex's heart broke because it was her own doing._

 _"Ash, I can't just leave."_

 _"You can! Fuck, Alex, how am I going to live my life now knowing that...-" Ashley paused, unable to voice out what she was thinking because it would make everything much more terrifying. "Alex, Fahri was his right hand. And he didn't hesitate to kill him just because of one fucking mistake. Please, please if you really care about me, please fucking leave that cartel now."_

 _Ashley was now crying and it was all Alex needed to finally lose it, too. "I can't. I'm sorry, Ashley. I really am."_

 _.-.-.-._

 _Alex hadn't even gone to bed for about thirty minutes when she heard a knock on her door. Her heart started beating fast, knowing the only person who would visit her at this hour of the day. She looked at Ashley, peacefully sleeping beside her and got even more scared thinking of the kind of danger she had put her in._

 _Two weeks after Fahri died, two weeks of Ashley barely talking to and looking at her, Alex finally made up her mind. She was gonna tell Kubra that she was leaving the cartel and that she wanted to start a new life. Surely, he would understand, right?_

 _So she told him, and surprisingly, Kubra let her. Alex wanted to think there was something off about him just letting her go, but she convinced herself into thinking that she had finally been let free and that she was already about to begin a new life with Ashley, a safe life, a good life. So she went home that day and delivered the news to Ashley, resulting into a long, hot, passionate sex and Alex was convinced she had made the right choice._

 _But looking at the time right now, the clock read 2:13am, maybe a safe, good life was just not meant for her._

 _She slowly made her way out of the bed, not wanting to wake Ashley up, and walked towards the door. She had to breathe deeply to be able to stop the shaking of her hands and her whole body, before she could open the door._

 _True enough, it was Aydin._

 _Alex's heart started beating faster, thinking of Ashley sleeping in the next room. She knew this wasn't a simple visit. Aydin never did simple visits. Aydin only did what Kubra told him every damn time. And Aydin was here to do just that._

 _"I heard you're leaving the cartel, Vause."_

 _"Kubra let me."_

 _Aydin shook his head, walking impossibly closer to Alex. "I actually liked you, you know. But that was when I thought you were smarter than that. Do you really think Kubra would just let anyone walk out of this?" Alex didn't speak, knowing full well that what Aydin just said was right. She fucking knew that. But she had to try. For Ashley, she had to. "Do you remember Fahri? Of course, you do. He was like your brother, right? Do you think Kubra didn't know that you were the reason he missed that flight? That he couldn't leave you when you were drowning yourself in alcohol because you wanted to forget that it was your mother's death anniversary that day?"_

 _"Stop."_

 _"Oh, but you need to know, Vause. You need to know that Kubra knew, that he always did, always do and always will. Wanna know why he didn't kill you instead? Because... he knew that seeing the one you care about die in front of you and having to live every day of the rest of your life knowing it was your fault, that's a better torture, that's a better punishment."_

 _Alex kept shaking her head, trying to drown out everything Aydin was saying. But she couldn't. And she felt as if the walls were closing in on her, and all the guilt and blame she had for herself because of Fahri's death crushed on her all at once. She was about to say something else when she heard the voice of the last person she wanted to be in this house right now._

 _"Alex?"_

 _She spun around so quickly she almost buckled down. There she was, the most beautiful person she had ever laid her eyes on, looking so confused and scared not knowing what was happening._

 _"No. No, you can't be here." Alex was about to walk towards her when she saw Ashley's eyes widen. She was looking at Aydin. So instinctively, she turned her back on Ashley and faced the guy who held her life right now and gasped when she saw him pointing his gun at her._

 _"I was just telling your girlfriend something," he was addressing Ashley now and Alex stood frozen, unable to do anything."Good thing you're here, because I really think you should hear this, too." Aydin faced Alex again, "He was waiting for you to say you were leaving, he badly wanted for that day to come. And now, it has. And that's why I'm here. To give you his parting gift."_

 _"Please, don't do this." Alex was now crying, so scared for Ashley's life, so mad at herself for dragging the girl into this mess of a life she had. "Aydin, please."_

 _"Sorry, Vause. Boss' orders. Turn around."_

 _"No," she kept shaking her head, as if it was gonna change anything. "Please."_

 _"Turn around or I'll shoot her."_

 _Alex turned around much faster than she thought she ever could and what she saw made her knees weak. Ashley was sobbing uncontrollably, fear so evident in her eyes. She wanted to go closer to her, to wrap her in her arms and tell her that everything was gonna be okay... that this was just a nightmare they would wake up from in a while._

 _But it wasn't okay. This was real life and it was happening to her, to them, right now._

 _"Say goodbye to the cartel, Vause... And say goodbye to your girlfriend."_

 _And before she could even move a muscle, three shots had been fired, the sound muffled by a silencer, with Ashley's body laying somewhat lifeless on her own pool of blood._

 _"Have a safe trip home." Alex heard the door click, Aydin's footsteps so far away from her and it was at that time that Alex felt her world collapse around her, and an animalistic scream she didn't even recognize as her own filled the hotel room. She ran towards Ashley and held her body in her arms, her whole life without the bunette flashing in front of her._

 _"No, please don't leave me. Ash, you gotta fight this, please."_

 _Ashley tried to smile and it broke Alex's heart all the more because this time, she couldn't return the smile. Sorrow was all she had left, seeing life slowly leaving the woman she had ever allowed herself to love apart from her own mother. "Y-you'll be... okay..." Ashley tried to speak in between her breaths._

 _"No... no, Ash, you're all I have left. Ashley! Don't you fucking leave me!"_

 _"I... I'm s-sorry... I should've... said it s-sooner..." Ashley breathed deeply, as if gathering one last breath so she could tell Alex what she should've said a long time ago. She tried lifting her arm, cupping Alex's face, wiping the tears that shot from her eyes with her thumb. "I... l-love you. I love you, Alex. I... I love-"_

 _But before she could even say one last word, her arm had dropped and her eyes had closed, finally breathing her last breath._

 _And at that time, Alex Vause knew that life had left her, too._

 _And that she was gonna spend the rest of her life knowing that this was her fault, that she was the reason Ashley was gone._

 _And she felt her world shatter, she felt herself shatter from the ruinous pain she was feeling at that moment._

 _And that was the day Alex stopped living and just carried on by merely existing._

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **maskedcolors,** lmao yeah!

 **Marijn,** Yeah, it was hard squeezing this into my time. Lol. It's really stressful! I'm taking up Accountancy. =) Oh, I'm glad you liked the last chapter. It was kind of rushed and unedited and I've made a lot of mistakes lmao. And here's Alex's story! I'm not yet sure if this is it or if I'm going to explore more of her backstory, I'll decide based on your reactions =) And Piper's will be coming soon, too. Oh, I was a bit disappointed with season 3. I mean, overall it was good but Vauseman-wise, it really sucked! I'm not going to say anything else or I'll have a one-page rant about it haha. How about you? What did you think of it? Love you, too, girl! Have a great time!

 **Budda1127,** Aww, thank you! I'm glad you liked it! And here's Alex's back story [please read my reply above about it and Piper's, lol] You're very welcome. And thank you for that review, too!

 **sara lance,** Yeah, I've always had that in mind and thought it'd be funny to put it here. We need some lighter Vauseman. Season 3 Vauseman disappointed me, I hate what the writers did to Piper's character but maybe if I get the time to rewatch it, I'll probably understand it more but right now, I hate Piper LOL.

 **Phantomjazz,** Thank you! Here's the update, so sorry it took a while.

 **elliellie1,** Thank you! Here's the Alex backstory, and hopefully you'll find out about Piper's too soon. Oh yeah, season 3. *sigh* that's all I have to say. LMAO.

 **Hookedonthisfic,** Aww, thank you! I'm glad you think so! How was season 3 for you? Lol.

 **Sue,** Thanks, girl!

 **xuncosciousx,** OMG that is the sweetest thing I've read today! Thank you!

 **moanzs,** Thanks! Hope you like this one as well, despite the lack of Piper in this chapter =)

 **schillingarmy,** I'm really glad you've decided to post a review! It means a lot to me! Thank you for taking the time to do so =) Oh, I'm from the Philippines and I'm a 5th year college student at a university here. Thank you for your amazing review!

 **izzielg,** Don't worry, I will not abandon this story. You guys are too wonderful for me to do that to you. =)

 **jo michael,** Hey man! How'd you find season 3? Lmao. And as always, your review melted my heart again. You're always saying these wonderful words I think I might be a little spoiled. =) Thank you so much!

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Oh glad to know! Thank you for your review =)

 **Guest (sweet but hot),** *hugging you back so tightly* Thank you! That review was epic, I'm blushing =)

 **FFChik,** Thanks again! And I'm afraid we've gone back to a bit darker chapter. Lol. =)

 **I3Vauseman,** Hey girl! About your last review I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I love your compliments, really. I didn't mean to offend you or anything and if I have, I'm sorry. But honestly, I really am always flattered with your reviews and I appreciate all of them. How did you find season 3? I love Alex so much it hurts. Lol. Thanks again for your review, it's wonderful as always. And will listen to the song you just mentioned =)

 **Vausemanendgame,** Seriously, your name gives me so much life. Lmao. Thank you! And I love you! Haha =)

 **Lily,** Oh my God, that is probably the best compliment I've had today. Thanks, girl! And same here, still recovering, also not in a good way. *sigh*

 **Batman05,** Wow thank you for those last two reviews. And yeah, it was an amazing song, I still listen to it. LMAO yeah, anything Alex Vause-related is mamazing. Wasn't too glad about season 3 vauseman but the other storylines were great. But still, heartbroken for vauseman I can't believe the writers did that to them.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**

I feel bad that this too so long but a lot of things got in the way, slight writer's block, school stuff and Laylor feels, so I'm apologizing that I'm only posting this now.

In case, you're not aware (although I'm pretty sure you are, haha) italics are flashback.

I don't own any of the characters, I wish I did, but Jenji and the rest of the Orange Is The New Black team already has that privilege

 **7**

"Hey Vause, gonna drink my ass off tonight." Said Nicky as she strolled in inside Alex's room.

Alex, who was in her bed reading, dropped her book and looked at Nicky with a raised eyebrow. "And I should care because..."

"Because you're coming with me, fucker."

Alex laughed, as she placed her glasses on top of her head. "Okay, I'm bringing Piper."

"What?! No. Come on, man. I wanna have fun!" complained Nicky looking completely appalled at the thought of Piper joining them. She liked the girl, really. She was nice, but Nicky couldn't stay in her presence for more than ten minutes without wanting to blow her own head off.

Alex rolled her eyes at Nicky's reaction. She's been trying to get her and Piper to hang out for quite some time now but she's never been successful 'coz Nicky always bailed. But this time, Alex was not taking no for an answer. "Piper's fun! Come on, you gotta give her a chance."

"I have given her a chance. I've known her for almost six months, remember?"

"And yet, you didn't even know her first name until I arrived." Nicky did not say anything. "No Piper, no Alex. Your choice."

Nicky looked at Alex as if she'd just taken the life of her favourite puppy. "You're not serious."

"Really? I'm not?"

"Ugh, fuck you and your manipulative ways! Fine, bring her. But if she bores the fuck outta me, I'm done, okay?"

Alex finally broke out into a grin. "Deal!" This was going to be a fun night.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper decided to pick Nicky up at her place at eight o'clock and they were surprised to see that she wasn't alone. She was with a short brunette, whose red lipstick seemed as if it could light up the entire night, who had her arm draped around Nicky's.

"Yo, Vause, Chapman," greeted Nicky as she and her _friend_ got inside Alex's car. "This is Lorna, my friend." Nicky could see Alex stifle a grin at her introduction and it took her quite some energy not to flip a finger at her right there and then. Lorna Morello did not need to see that side of her this early. She would, soon. But not now.

"Hi, girls! I hope you don't mind me joining you tonight," greeted Lorna, in a thick accent that Alex and Piper could not recognize. It sounded like a Brooklyn accent with a hint of Boston. Either way, she sounded sweet and soon enough, they were all chatting animatedly as they made their way to a bar just outside their little town.

After a while, they all fell in a comfortable silence as Alex drove. Nicky and Lorna were doing everything to keep their hands to themselves, only because Lorna was not yet comfortable showing _affection_ around people she barely knew. Alex, on the other hand, was looking at Piper beside her who was currently looking out the window, taking in everything outside. She always did that whenever they would drive up anywhere. It always seemed as if it was her first time going out, appreciating everything she could see. And Alex liked that about her. She loved giving her glances every now and then, and if she wasn't driving, she'd probably just watch her the whole time.

She then decided to grab Piper's hand and run circles with her thumb on it. It had become a habit, since the feel of Piper's skin against hers soothed her in ways nothing or no one else could. This caught the blonde's attention causing her to look at her. She then smiled at her and Alex knew she could spend an entire day just looking at Piper smile like that.

She was suddenly brought back to their day just a few days ago, when she finally decided to tell Piper her entire story. She did not know what made her decide on it. She never thought she'd ever be ready to recount everything that had happened to anyone (except maybe with Nicky, because it was a _must_ to tell her best friend everything) but she found herself wanting to tell Piper the truth, as if she _owed_ her that.

 _Piper had never seen Alex look more scarred._

 _While she was narrating her story, Alex did everything she could to show a strong facade, like it wasn't bothering her, like it was_ _ **okay**_ _, like_ _ **she**_ _was okay. But Piper noticed every time her voice cracked, every time she blinked back her tears and every time she paused just to be able to keep going._

 _The beginning of Alex's story was beautiful. It was as if she was meant to meet that woman, to let her know that she was capable of loving in that kind of intense and irrevocable way and that she deserved to be loved back just as much. But as the story progressed, Piper found herself scared of where the story was going, she was scared of finding out what made Alex this way. There were a lot of times Piper wanted her to stop, just so she could spare her the pain she was clearly going through just reliving all those terrible things but Alex insisted because she wanted to finally let Piper all the way in._

 _And Piper almost hated herself for being the person who had to let Alex go through it all again. She wondered if she was worth it, if all of this was worth it, but before she could even fathom the intensity this, Alex letting her in her deepest, darkest secret, meant for both of them, Alex stopped talking, trying to stop the trembling of her hands and her whole body, trying to fight off everything that threatened to met her resolve at keeping a strong face._

 _ **"Alex,"**_ _was all Piper said as she pulled Alex into her arms, hugging as if it was the only way she could tell her that it was all okay, that_ _ **she**_ _was going to be okay._

 _And then she cried._

 _She cried for_ _ **Diane**_ _, who did everything she could to give Alex the life she thought she deserved, and who loved her more than any other person can ever love Alex. She cried for_ _ **Ashley**_ _, who's only ever loved Alex the way Alex deserved to be loved. And she cried for_ _ **Alex**_ _, for every time she chose_ _ **not**_ _to cry over her mother dying, for every second she blamed herself over Ashley's death, for every moment she went through all of this alone. She cried for_ _ **Alex**_ _and prayed to a God she didn't even believe in that it would be everything Alex needed not to cry over this ever again._

 _Alex was the one who broke the hug. She then looked at Piper and wiped the tears that kept flowing from her eyes while keeping herself from breaking down, too. It was the first time she ever told this story to another person. Back then, she thought that it was not possible for her to ever voice this story out, to ever let anyone know, because then it would all be so real. That she fucked up, that she was the reason the only woman she had ever allowed herself to fall in love with was gone. But now, she had let Piper know and she was surprised how all this felt like such a relief._

 _"I'm okay, Piper." But Piper just shook her head and Alex knew that Piper didn't for a second believe that she was okay. Piper knew Alex. And she knew her not because of the times they've spent together but she knew her because Piper had always been the same as her. And maybe that's the reason why Alex found it easier to tell her story than she first thought, because she knew that Piper would understand._

 _"I'm sorry," Piper softly said not knowing what else to say, afraid that if she said something else, she'd only make matters worse._

 _"Pipes, I really, really do like you. But you have to know how fucked up I am. I mean, I wasn't even there when my mom died. I was on the other side of the world and I had not seen her for months and I just... and then there's A-Ashley—"_

 _"Alex. Alex, stop. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault."_

 _"It was, Piper. I was the one who brought her to my world. If I didn't... if I just left her alone..._ _ **Fuck**_ _, she wouldn't have—" Alex stopped, knowing full well that saying_ _ **the**_ _word would break her._

 _"No, Alex. You did everything you could to protect her. Don't destroy yourself because of something you really did not have any control of. It wasn't your fault."_

And with that, Piper's arms and comforting words were what Alex used to get through the night and to get through the next few days. Telling the story was like going through it all over again and the impact it had on Alex was something she really wasn't prepared for. She spent nights having worse nightmares than every previous nightmare she would have. She woke up mornings unable to really want to move at all because all she could ever think was the last time Ashley closed her eyes right in her arms.

But all those times, Piper was there for her. She would refuse to go to work until she was sure that Alex could be on her own. She would barely sleep just to make sure that she was awake every time Alex would scream into the night because of her nightmares. She would make sure to wake up before her so she could keep Alex from drifting away from everything and just dig a hole for herself and crawl into it so no one could reach her again.

And so even though Alex wanted to just _give up_ on her everyday life for a while, even though every pain she had felt so _deserved_ , she did everything she could to pull herself back together. It wasn't because she was exhausted, or because she knew it was time to get over it. It was all for _Piper._ She did not deserve to carry the burden that Alex was supposed to be carrying _alone_. So as hard as it was, Alex had to _act_ normally, to _pretend_ that everything was okay, even though everything was _far_ from being okay.

So here she was, inside a crowded bar with Piper, Nicky and Lorna, drinking herself into oblivion, with all the pretensions she could muster just to be able to keep going, unaware of the consequences that could one day blow up in her face.

Two hours into the night and the four of them were straight up wasted.

"Holy shit, Chapman!" exclaimed Nicky as Piper drank her fourth shot of vodka in a little more than 15 seconds.

Nicky had dared her she could never do it, and Piper's competitive side wanted to prove her wrong, even though she knew she was gonna regret this in the morning. She drank four straight shots, her third shot almost dripping all over her chin, her fourth one going totally wasted as she dropped it on their table, earning hysterical laughter from her three companions.

Alex rubbed her back, all the while laughing at her newly-discovered Piper Chapman-trait, the one where she had this strong need to prove something about herself. The blonde was a lot more wasted than the other three and Nicky found this so amusing that she had finally forgotten her first impression about her being _boring as fuck._ She liked this side of Piper and she made a mental note to herself to _always_ get Piper drunk whenever they were together.

"So, where did you two meet?" Alex asked, her gaze alternating from Lorna and Nicky.

"We met a little more than a week ago at Red's diner," Lorna answered, looking at Nicky adoringly.

Alex looked at Nicky questioningly, silently asking why she had never mentioned about this before. Nicky just shrugged before returning her attention to Lorna.

"She made a joke about this retarded eggplant and we just hit it off right there."

Alex laughed at how Lorna phrased the joke's Nicky been telling everyone for the past few years. Up to this day, she still did not understand what was so funny about it, she was pretty sure she didn't get the joke itself, but after the fourth or fifth time Nicky had said the joke, Alex just gave up on knowing what it meant and just let Nicky bask in the glory of her odd sense of humor.

After a while, Nicky and Lorna decided to hit the dance floor, leaving Alex and Piper at their table. "You okay, kid?" asked Alex, tucking a few strands of Piper's hair behind her ear. She was already buzzed but the need to take care of Piper was somehow helping her to stay sober enough.

"I am!" answered Piper, a little louder than necessary. "I haven't had this much fun in a while. Thank you for bringing me here," she added as she brought Alex's face closer to hers, kissing her hard, slipping a tongue into her mouth. It's another thing that Alex just discovered about Piper. Drunk Piper meant horny Piper and Alex had been getting the good deal out of it for more than an hour now.

Alex smiled into the kiss, running her hands over Piper's blonde tresses. "You wanna go outside?"

"Okay," answered Piper immediately, pressing another kiss on Alex's lips, before clinging herself to Alex as they made their way to the back of the club.

When they were outside, Alex suddenly pushed Piper against the wall, as she connected their lips together. She's been trying to hold back for a while now but the heat she was feeling down her core was piling up and she just couldn't take it any longer. She settled one of her legs between Piper's knowing Piper _needed_ that and true enough, the blonde moaned at the sudden contact of her center against Alex's leg.

Alex, on the other hand, creeped her hand inside Piper's shirt, slowly moving it up until she could feel the underside of Piper's breasts. She lightly caressed it with her thumb, as they continued to lip lock, their tongues battling for dominance, Alex's winning in the end.

After a short while of making out, they decided to finally disentangle themselves from one another. Alex copied Piper's position and leaned against the wall, Piper leaning her head against Alex's shoulder, as Alex brought out what seemed to Piper as a cigarette.

"I didn't know you smoked."

"I did. But then I stopped."

"But..." But it suddenly became obvious to Piper that Alex wasn't in fact holding a cigarette. "Ohhhh, that's weed!" she said excitedly, seemingly proud of herself that she figured it out. She laughed like a kid, as she had been doing the whole night, and watched as Alex lit up the joint and took a puff.

After a drag, Alex stretched her arm towards Piper to hand her the pot but Piper just looked at it. "What? You've never tried this before?"

Piper gave Alex a sly smile as she shook her head. "No, I haven't." She then put her head at the crook of Alex's neck, suddenly shy.

Alex laughed, surprised that there were still people who hadn't smoked weed before, but finding Piper's reaction extra adorable. "Come on, you should try it," she said as she pressed a kiss on Piper's head. But Piper still looked a little apprehensive. "Oh, I know a fun way to smoke weed. Wanna try?"

And like a child, Piper nodded enthusiastically, finding her drunk self agree to everything Alex told her and wanted her to do. Alex then went in front of her, put the join between her own lips and took one long drag, before pressing her lips against Piper's, blowing the smoke into her mouth. Being it her first time, Piper coughed into Alex's mouth, causing them another fit of laughter.

It took them a little while to recover from their laughter. "Okay, that was fun," Piper commented, her grin so wide. "One more, I'm not gonna cough this time, I swear."

And so Alex did it again, and true enough, Piper didn't cough anymore. Instead she inhaled everything that Alex exhaled in her mouth and soon, Alex and Piper started finding everything so funny, hysterically laughing at every single thing they could see and think of. Their visions became hazy and they felt as if everything in front of them was dancing into a tune they weren't aware of, but they loved it and basked in every second of it.

They went back inside high as a kite, finding Nicky and Lorna back at their tables.

"Where have you two fuckers been?" asked Nicky who was almost knocked down as Piper launched herself at her, wrapping her arms around her neck. "What the fuck?"

"Nicky," blurted Piper out, as she lazily draped her arm over Nicky's shoulder, "I missed you!" She then pressed a sloppy kiss on her cheek and Nicky looked at Piper as if she's just grown another head. Alex laughed at the sight, signalling for a waiter to come over because she needed another drink.

Lorna looked at Piper and Nicky amusedly, "Aww, look at you two looking all cute and cuddly!" she squealed, causing Nicky to take Piper's arm off of her.

"Blondie, I already like you, but if you keep doing that, we're gonna have real problems," she said, shaking her head, but still laughing at the blonde who she now realized was stoned out of her mind.

"I need to go pee," Piper suddenly announced.

"Do you need me to come with?" asked Alex.

"No, I'll be back in a sec," answered Piper, almost tripping on her way to the ladies' room.

"Hey, I'll go with you," said Lorna and she caught up with Piper before they walked unsteadily, their arms tangled together.

Nicky looked at Piper and Lorna with a smirk on her lips before facing Alex. "Isn't she adorable?" she asked Alex referring to Lorna.

"Shit, she got you hooked, did she?" asked Alex incredulously, still quite surprised about the fact that she'd one day see Nicky gush over a woman. She'd been observing them all night, well not as much as she paid attention to Piper, and she could see the way Nicky looked at her and she was aware of that look.

"Shut up," Nicky shrugged as she drank another shot of vodka.

"It's true and you know it. She got you wrapped up in her little finger," Alex laughed, happy that Nicky seemed to have finally met her match.

"She's getting married," Nicky suddenly whispered.

"What?" Alex asked, appalled by this fact. Of course, Nicky would meet someone who had the potential of being perfect for her, and yet she was getting married. How fucked up could this world get?

"Yeah, that's why this is just a thing, you know. I'd call her when I need her and she can do the same. Nothing serious. So you can stop with all your romantic crap," Nicky said jokingly, but Alex could see a hint of sadness in her eyes and she felt bad for her. Nicky deserved so much more and Alex wished she could finally have that.

"You're right," Alex blurted out, wanting to divert Nicky's attention to something else. She suddenly felt bad that she brought this up. "Plenty of other fishes in the sea."

Nicky just nodded, taking another swig. "Anyway, you were right about Blondie. She's fun."

With this, Alex's lips had broken out into a grin, immediately forgetting about Nicky's dilemma. "I told you," Alex cocked her eyebrows. When ten minutes had passed and Piper still didn't return, Alex decided to follow her to the bathroom. "Pipes?"

"Right here," Piper answered from one of the stalls.

Lorna was at the sink washing her hand. "She didn't wanna get up. She was pretty sure you would follow us here. I had to make sure you'd come before I left," she smiled as she walked towards the door.

Alex smiled at Lorna, unable to stop thinking how perfect she would be for Nicky. Fuck her fiancé. "Thanks, Lorna." Lorna just nodded before finally disappearing. Alex then looked inside the stall where Piper was. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," answered Piper as she finally stood up from the toilet bowl. As she tried to go out, she hit the door and almost fell, causing her to laugh at herself. "I'm really drunk."

Alex laughed with her as she helped Piper steady herself, "You think?"

"Yes. I'm really drunk... and horny. Let's fuck in one of the stalls!" Piper suggested, pulling Alex against her, kissing her greedily.

Alex responded to the kiss, pressing Piper against the sink, but not before she locked the door, not wanting to risk being walked into by anyone. "Hmm, I think I like you more when you're drunk and stoned," she said in between breaths, her hands putting Piper's head in place, so she could kiss her better.

Their kiss turned more heated, as Piper's hands snaked around Alex's waist, pulling her in closer, wanting to feel so much more contact. The kiss wasn't soft nor gentle. It was right up hungry and raw and ruthless and somewhat animalistic, tongues battling against each other, teeth sinking in each other's bottom lip.

Suddenly, Alex turned Piper around, so the blonde's back was pressing against her front. Alex wrapped her arms around Piper, her left hand going up to Piper's breast. She pinched her nipple through her shirt's fabric causing Piper to arch into her touch, her moans filling the washroom. Alex then bit on Piper's earlobe, whispering to her in a voice that could turn Piper into an emotional mess, "I'm gonna _fuck_ you like you deserve to be fucked and you're gonna scream my name over and over and over."

Piper almost came just by listening to Alex's voice, feeling the wetness between her legs without even having the need to touch it. And then without warning, Alex unhooked her belt, fumbling with the button and zipper of her pants, with her right hand travelling down Piper's center. She then motioned for Piper to bend a little, giving her the right angle to slip her hand inside the blonde's underwear, which was now unsurprisingly soaking wet.

" _Fuck, Piper,"_ Alex whispered, feeling her own arousal shoot through the roof. She then flicked Piper's clit, coating it with the blonde's own wetness, Alex's finger rubbing it up and down.

" _Alex,"_ Piper uttered, her voice pleading and laced with pleasure. _"Please."_

But Alex ignored Piper's pleading and continued rubbing her center up and down, stopping a little just to dip her fingers inside her lightly, teasing and testing, wondering how much she could push Piper. Her other hand continued groping Piper's breasts, her tongue persistently licking the side of her neck until she was full on sucking on it, as if marking Piper as her own.

Piper felt like she was going to explode, her need for release growing stronger by the second. She was gripping on the sink for dear life, because she knew her legs were on the verge of giving up on her. " _Fuck, Alex. I need you to fucking fuck me right fucking now or I swear to Go—"_

But before she could even finish her sentence, Alex had inserted two fingers inside her, causing Piper to gasp and reach for Alex's hair, gripping it so hard so she could pull her closer to just the side of her neck. Alex then slid out her fingers almost all the way out until she slid them back in, resulting into Piper screaming incoherencies, composed mainly of _"Fuck,"_ and _"Alex,"_ and _"Please."_

Alex started moving her fingers faster, the heel of her hand pressing against Piper's clit every time she would slide her fingers in.

" _Fuck, Alex. Don't stop."_

Alex knew Piper was close, and she was intent on pushing her to the edge any second now, so she added another finger as she bit on her neck. And it was all Piper needed to give in to the pleasure that Alex was bringing her. Her arousal gushed through her like a tidal wave and just as Alex promised her, she screamed her name over and over like a prayer, ripples of ecstasy flooding through her, taking her higher than any joint could ever take her.

Alex slowed down her hand, helping Piper ride down her orgasm. She then brought her fingers to her mouth, sucking Piper's wetness off of her fingers one by one, as she looked at Piper through their reflections on the mirror.

"Fuck," it was all Piper could whisper as she looked back at Alex, the raven-haired responding with a knowing smirk, until she pressed a soft kiss on Piper's nape.

"You okay?" she asked into her ear and it sent shivers down Piper's spine.

"More than okay," she answered with a smile, as Alex zipped up her pants and put her belt back on. "That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done to me," she added jokingly earning her a laugh from Alex, before she turned her back to face her. She then pressed a soft kiss onto her lips.

"Wanna go back out now?"

"Yeah," Piper answered as Alex, held onto her hand, pulling her out of the bathroom.

They reached Nicky and Lorna at their table, sticking their tongues into each other's throats. When Lorna noticed Alex and Piper's arrival, she quickly pulled away from Nicky. "Hey, you two are back!"

Alex just nodded and Piper smiled knowingly, earning a smirk from Nicky. "You two fucked each other's brains out in the bathroom, didn't you?" Both didn't answer but Piper and Alex's smiles gave away the answer. "I fucking knew it."

The four of them kept drinking and laughing and talking, until Nicky excused herself.

Alex could see Piper bobbing her head up and down to the music. "Hey, wanna dance?"

"Yeah!" Piper said excitedly. "Lorna, you gonna be okay here waiting for Nicky?"

"Yes," answered Lorna, "...we'll join you when she gets back."

So Piper dragged Alex into the dance floor, her hips swaying as she walked. Alex looked at her, her gaze dropping to Piper's ass a little longer. When they were in the middle of the crowd, they started swaying, their fronts pressed against each other's impossibly close. It wasn't even a dance anymore, it was grinding against each other, arms rubbing each other's backs, stares turning into intense eye-fucking. Piper turned her back on Alex and swayed her hips into the music, pulling Alex's hands and dropped them on her hips. She then leaned her head into Alex and Alex dropped her head down, her lips meeting Piper's. The blonde then tangled her fingers through Alex's raven hair as Alex slid her hands inside Piper's shirt, caressing her stomach as they danced, the rest of the crowd turning into an almost invisible background.

After a while, Nicky and Lorna had joined them. Nicky whispered to Alex as she slipped something into her hands. Nicky gave Alex a wink before she faced Lorna and they, too, had started swaying their bodies into the music.

Alex knew what Nicky had handed her and if she was sober, she would have never even considered it. But she was drunk and high and her brain wasn't in the right state to think of what's right or wrong so her grasp on those little things Nicky gave her became a little tighter before she faced Piper again. "Do you trust me?" she said into Piper's ear.

Piper was looking at her, her eyes a little unfocused, but her smile still that same smile that Alex always loved seeing. She nodded her head, saying "Yes," at the same time, even though she wasn't really sure why Alex just out of nowhere asked her the question.

"Good," Alex just answered. She then brought her hand to her mouth, putting what Nicky gave her inside of it. Then she brought her lips against Piper's, her tongue darting inside, slipping two yellow pills inside the blonde's mouth. She looked at Piper, assessing her reaction to what she just did but the blonde just swallowed, and her gaze at her not faltering even just one bit. And it was all Alex needed to swallow the rest of the pills that Nicky gave her.

And just a few minutes later, Alex and Piper were brought into a world where everything seemed perfect. The night was no longer dark, it was filled with colors and it became so wondrously beautiful, the rest of the crowd melding into it perfectly. There were no Diane, nor Ashley, nor drug cartels, nor Piper's own secrets and darkness; there was nothing else in both their minds except the fact that they were together, bliss and ecstasy engulfing them.

But no matter how beautiful the world had suddenly seemed, Alex and Piper had by now drowned out the rest it, only paying attention to each other, as they kissed and laughed and kissed some more, their faces more beautiful than any other thing or person they had and would ever come across.

"I really... really... _really_ like you, Al," Piper said in between kisses with Alex, her blue eyes focused on Alex's green ones, her mind fuzzy and unaware of anything else except Alex.

Alex then smiled, "I really... really... _really_ like you, too, Pipes."

And it was the start of something else for both of them, as they discovered a new way (apart from each other) to escape the rest of the world that seemed to obviously hate them. It was new and dangerous but Alex and Piper weren't thinking of that. What stayed on their minds was how it had helped them run further away from the darkness that would never leave them, pulling them into a whole new world of _everything else_ other than the _reality_ that they so desperately needed to get away from _._

 **A/N:**

So, I again just wanna thank you all for your patience. And if anyone here had read We'll Always Have Paris and After Effects, I want to thank you all for that, too.

I know this chapter isn't much but hope you like it anyway. And also, I'm not sure if this chapter had relayed the message I want it to, but hopefully it had. It's the start of something new about Piper and Alex's relationship, and how they would deal with the things going on about them. I will, of course, explore further on that on the later chapters.

So again, thank you for the wonderful reviews and favourites and follows. You guys are truly the best! Hope to hear from all of you again. Group hug to all!

 **Budda1127,** OMG your review. Thank you! That was really nice, and I'm glad the previous chapter brought out that reaction. Haha. Thanks again =)

 **Phantomjazz,** Thank you, and glad you think so! =)

 **Guest (intense comment),** Yep, hope you're satisfied with how Alex's back story is. Thank you! =)

 **sara lance,** Hi sara! It feels weird talking to you here now that we've been exchanging quite a few messages for a while. Lol. Anyway, thanks again for your review and hopefully we can keep up our conversations through pm. =)

 **FFChik,** I'm glad you agree! Thank you very much for that review. =))

 **moanzs,** I'm so glad you loved the backstory of Alex. Thank you very much for your review. And also for always leaving out reviews for all my stories. You definitely rock! Hope you'd be satisfied with this new chapter. =)

 **Marijn,** Hi, girl! How's life? I'm so sorry I made you cry, but that was kinda the plan. Haha! Kidding! OMG your review is enough to make me a smile a whole month, you're really nice and I can never thank you enough for the wonderful words you're always leaving me with. So, thank you very much, that review was awesome! Lol two days is not bad, I know some people who watched it in one sitting =)) And yeah we should definitely talk about our feelings for season 3. Rants help a lot. Haha. Hugs and kisses right back at ya!

 **izzielg,** Have you watched the entire season three yet? And you're right, lots of negative feedback about the show and I feel kinda bad because they worked really hard for it, but we can't help how we feel about the show, right? Thank you for your review! =)

 **soldierJane,** Thank you, and you're amazing! Don't worry, Piper will be the greatest love of Alex's life, I'm gonna make sure of that. Lol. =)

 **sweetlikevanillais,** Aww, thank you for your reviews! You're wonderful! =) And p.s I love you so fucking much. =))

 **Ellen0000,** Thanks, girl! That was one hell of a nice review, I feel like blushing =)) Thank you very much and just so you know, I love your videos on Youtube, too. Please keep up the good work and hopefully more Vauseman videos to come!

 **pitterpat87,** Aww, I'm really glad to know that. I love meeting new readers! Thank you for taking the time to leave a review. And you'll know about Piper's story soon. =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** I'm sorry I didn't mean to break your heart. =( Thank you for that wonderful review! =)

 **jo michael,** hi there, my friend! Long time no talk (or read haha), Yes to everything you said about Piper, I think there wasn't much development leading into why she turned into who she became, I felt like it was a little too rushed that's why we didn't understand it enough. And vulnerable Alex was hard to watch, it was painful seeing her that way and the cliffhanger, geez. I can't wait til season 4 is out, which luckily is only 11 months away. Hahaha. And as always, I love your review! It really warmed my heart reading it. And are you kidding me? I love long reviewa! (Hence, the long reply) I hope you like this chapter, too. =) And I'm doing great! School is almost over. How about you?

 **vausegasm,** Yep, I love my angst. Lol. I hope you were satisfied with Alex's background and that you find this chapter good enough for your own liking. Haha. Thank you for that review! =)

 **HookedOnThisFic,** Sorry if that chapter was a little uncomfortable to you because of another woman in Alex's life. Haha. And you're right, it really was important so I kinda had to. =) I agree about your comments on season 3! And yes! I love Lolly, too. Hope she becomes friends with Alex on season 4. =)

 **I3VauseMan,** Thank you! I really do appreciate your compliments, I hope you didn't misunderstood me. And yeah, tons of disappointment about season 3, have you watched the whole season? I don't wanna spoil you or anything. Lol. And I agree about everything you said about what the writers have done to Vauseman. Hopefully season 4 will be better for them. And you're right, tons of writers on here are keeping me sane right now. =)

 **schillingarmy,** I'm glad you appreciated this chapter even without Vauseman. You're the awesome one, so thank you! And yeah, even if there are tons of work at the university right now, I'm actually having fun, thank you. Hope you're having a great time, too!

 **Marauder-Lu,** Thank you so much, that's really sweet. And I feel great knowing HLWILY is one of your favourites considering the number of Laylor fics out there. Thanks again!

 **Joey2920,** Wow, that's a really wonderful review! Thank you very much! And here's your update, I'm sorry it took so long. =)

 **sherlynn813,** Thank you! Not just for this review and for the ones you left on my other stories and also the personal message. You rock!


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:**

Again, apologies for the delayed update and for the mistakes you'd find in this chapter. Thank you to everyone who had favourite and followed this story, I heart you guys so much!

I don't own the characters, I still wish I did.

 **8**

Alex was never used to waking up before Piper. Usually, it would be the blonde who'd wake up first, sometimes leaving her alone to sleep, but sometimes waking her up with little kisses or any sweet gestures either because she couldn't wait for her to be up or she just really wanted to piss her off knowing she hated waking up really early. But the best time Piper woke Alex up was probably that time the raven-haired woke up panting and moaning with Piper's head between her legs.

That's why it was a pleasant surprise when Alex woke up finding Piper still tucked against her body. The blonde's head was at the crook of her neck, her hair just on the right place for Alex to smell its beautiful scent, her body was almost on top of hers with her arm draped possessively around Alex's waist. They were both naked, only wrapped in each other and a comfortable blanket.

Alex should have found this position uncomfortable, since her left arm was already numb under Piper's weight but instead she found herself smiling waking up to this. She couldn't see Piper's face but she could feel her breathe against her neck and she couldn't help but wonder why she had wasted a lot of time _not_ waking up before Piper to see her in this state. Not wanting to wake the blonde up, Alex kept herself from moving too much, except for her right arm which pulled Piper closer to her, resting on her back gently.

Since she couldn't do anything else, Alex just recalled everything she could from the previous night, which wasn't that much, really. Piper was wasted, _very much so_ , being drunk and high at the same time and the entertainment Alex, and most especially _Nicky,_ found in this could last them an entire lifetime. She chuckled softly at the memory of Piper dancing around her uncomfortable best friend until they were both dancing together like idiots, even getting the attention of everyone in close proximity. But the laughter went away as soon as it came when she remembered how they had gone from four normal crazy people, her, Piper, Nicky and Lorna, to the more fucked up, uninhibited version of themselves after they all took the X that Nicky handed them.

Alex was used to all of that. She had imported drugs all over the world for so many years for her to be able to steer clear from it. She would use every now and then but only if her job really needed her to. She hated the effects that drug caused. She loved having control over everything and drugs would take that away from her so she never really patronized it.

But her drug use had become worse when her mom died. It became her way to escape from the agonizing pain of her mother's death. Still, it was never out of control, she would always know when to stop, when it was becoming _close_ to _too much_. She only stopped when she realized how disappointed Diane would be at her knowing that she was using. So from then on, she never used again, no matter how much her job needed for her to do it.

And then Ashley died, in the worst way possible and she would constantly find herself itching to take one, because she knew it was her only way to forget how much she fucked up, and how much it _hurt_. She _almost_ did, again. But the thought of now _two_ people who would be disappointed if she ever did that to herself stopped her. So she decided to resort to alcohol, lots of them. She knew it was just as pathetic but it wasn't as bad as drugs and she _badly_ needed something, _anything_ , or she was going to break.

So she tried racking her brain for why she had allowed herself to take drugs last night, and even worse, _giving_ Piper one, when she had spent so many years avoiding it. Did she take it because the alcohol wasn't enough anymore? Or was it because she was not in her right state of her mind to _remember_ that she was _supposed_ to not take one? Or was she just having so much fun and it would only be a one-time thing, and there really was no harm done?

Alex was so deep in her thoughts that she had not noticed Piper move so she was a bit surprised when she suddenly spoke. _"Fuck me,"_ she mumbled to Alex's neck.

"Uhm, Pipes I would love to but haven't you had enough last night?" Alex chuckled.

"Ugh, shut up!" Piper groaned, pulling herself away from Alex as she rubbed her hands all over her place. "Fuck, my head hurts." Alex propped herself up on her elbow to take a better look at Piper, who was obviously having the worst hangover of her life. "Stop. Moving! My head's fucking spinning."

Alex laughed at Piper's temper which, she just realized last night, was worse than she would have ever thought of the blonde. When they were at the bar, one guy, who clearly had no idea that she was with someone and the more important fact that she was gay, kept hitting on her. Alex tried to ignore him, seeing that he was drunk, too. But Piper who had witnessed the whole thing went into full-monster mode and introduced the guy to her fist. Thankfully, Piper was too drunk to punch properly that she didn't do much damage to the guy's face, and especially her fist.

"Alex, I'm _dying_ ," Piper exclaimed dramatically, still with her hands all over her face.

Alex expected this from Piper knowing she was a lightweight. What she wasn't sure was how _intense_ the hangover was going to be, but looking at Piper now, she knew it was bad. "I hope you're not, because I don't want to have a dead woman on my bed."

"This is _my_ bed, asshole."

Since she woke up, Alex was too preoccupied with the blonde in her arms and her thoughts from last night that she did not notice that she was actually inside Piper's room and not her own. She chuckled and shook her head, feeling a bit stupid. "Shit, you're right. How could I have not noticed?" She then kissed the top of Piper's head before she sat up. "Anyway, do you still need me to fuck you?" she asked, wanting to piss Piper even more.

Piper finally took her hands off her face and gave Alex a glare that could kill an entire generation of family. "Seriously, do you want me to kill you? Coz I'd do it." Alex's laughter resonated inside the room which made Piper wince. "Ugh, you're too fucking loud."

Alex opened her mouth, with a mock hurt on her face. "You know what, I don't like you like this," she said squinting her eyes at Piper, but still with a smile etched on her lips, before she put her legs off the bed and started getting up.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to look for something that can kill that monster inside you. Hang on." Alex put on some clothes before going to her medicine cabinet to take two pills of aspirin and then went to get a glass of water. When she got back to Piper, the blonde had already sat up, her head against the headboard with her eyes closed. "Here."

"Thanks," Piper mumbled as she took in both the aspirins. Alex took the glass of water back and eyed Piper intently. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Alex took a few seconds before she responded. "I'm sorry about last night, kid."

"For what?" Piper asked, confusion on her face.

Alex wanted to tell Piper what was on her mind. She wanted to _apologize_ for letting her drink even if she knew she was already too wasted, for letting her get high, for letting her take the drugs. But she knew that voicing it out loud would make her feel so much worse and she wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of _guilt_. She was already carrying too much of that. So instead, she shook her head and shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing."

But Piper already knew her enough to know that it wasn't just _nothing._ "Alex, what is it?"

Alex just stayed quiet, silently cursing herself for opening her damn mouth and backing away.

"You do realize that I'm a grown up, and wouldn't have done anything I knew I wouldn't be able to handle, right?" the blonde then added, giving Alex a knowing look. She _knew_ what Alex was saying sorry for, she could see the guilt in her eyes. But she wanted to hear her say it, only so Piper could tell Alex straight up that she didn't do anything _wrong_ , that she didn't _force_ her to do all that, and that they were all Piper's _choices._ "Alex, I'm okay. Well apart from this fucking hangover, I really am," she looked Alex in the eye, wanting her to see the sincerity in her own. "Come here," Piper patted the bed and waited for Alex to sit beside her. When she did, Piper turned her body slightly so she was now facing the raven-haired. "I _really_ had fun last night," she smiled, her mind going back to what felt like the best night she'd ever have in a long time.

"Yeah? Well, you don't seem to be having that much fun today," Alex offered her a hesitant smile.

Piper chuckled. "Eh, who cares? At least I have a reason to lie in bed all day." She turned serious when she noticed that Alex still looked a little apprehensive. Piper then brought her hand to cup the older girl's face before she leaned in and pressed a soft but long kiss on her lips. Her eyes met Alex's when she finally pulled away, "I meant it, okay? I had a great time and I don't regret a single thing."

And Alex _finally_ smiled genuinely and at that time, Piper's look of sincerity and affection was all she needed to ignore the gnawing guilt on her chest.

-o-o-o-

True enough, Piper spent all day in bed. But it wasn't actually that bad, aside from her raging headache and annoying feeling of wanting to puke every damn hour, since everything she couldn't do, Alex did for her. She cooked her meals, she even fed her, she would hand her anything she needed because Alex knew standing up and walking were strenuous enough for her. She literally did everything for Piper and the blonde had a sudden selfish feeling of wanting to be like this all the time if only it meant Alex never leaving her side when she didn't need to.

Alex knew how even the slightest noise made Piper's head ache so whenever she would join Piper on the bed, both of them seated against the bed's headboard, she would just keep quiet, brushing her fingers on the blonde's hair, kissing her head ever now and then. At one point, Alex fell asleep and Piper just spent the whole time watching her and studying her face, thanking any responsible god out there for bringing this woman into her life. Before, she would be cringing at the thought of _relying_ on someone so badly, but now, she actually loved it because she knew that Alex genuinely wanted to do all of those things for her. She felt that Alex really _cared_ and it was all the difference she needed in the world.

Piper then dozed off after a short while of staring at Alex, her head resting on Alex's shoulder. They spent a good amount of time just tangled together, sleeping peacefully until Piper woke up, already lying on the bed, without Alex on her side. Thankfully, Piper already felt better, finally able to stand up and walk without feeling like her surroundings were spinning. She went to her bathroom and took a shower for the second time that day, the first time being this morning when Alex almost dragged her just so she could shower and feel even just slightly better.

When she went out of her room, she could hear the soft music coming out of her stereo, Tegan and Sara's You Wouldn't Like Me playing on the background. She then found Alex with her back on her, obviously preparing dinner, her head bobbing up and down slightly. Alex's hair was up, with a number of hair strands falling on her back. She was wearing her favourite Bourbon shirt with her black boxer shorts.

Sometimes, Piper could feel Alex lose her care-free attitude when she's with Piper, she would start putting up a wall, not only between them but also over the two of them against the rest of the world. The latter, Piper was okay with, since she didn't really care if she was cut off from the rest of the world as long as she's going to be cut off _with_ Alex on her side. But when the wall was already between her and Alex, she couldn't help but feel a little helpless because she didn't know how to break the damn wall to be able to reach her.

She knew what Alex was trying to do. She was trying to act all tough and invincible because she thought that it was what Piper needed. Alex's protectiveness over Piper was radiating off from all over her body and Piper was grateful for that but sometimes, Alex needed protection, too. And Piper wanted to give her that as well, but Alex would barely allow Piper to do that for her.

That's why Piper decided to stay quiet, wanting to take in this look of Alex, stripped of her strong, protective facade. She wanted to see Alex just being herself without thinking that there was someone who needed her to be a little _tougher_ because right now, Piper liked seeing her a little less out of _control_.

After a short while of staring without Alex's knowledge, Piper slowly made her way towards the raven-haired, and then put her hands on her shoulder gently. Alex looked behind her a little surprised but managed to smile as soon as her eyes met Piper's. "Hey, you're alive."

"Yes, I am," Piper responded, sliding her hands downwards until her arms had snaked around Alex's waist, her hands meeting just right on Alex's stomach. She rested her chin on Alex's shoulder, as she pressed her lips softly on her jaw. "Thank you for taking care of me today," she added, softly, her arms wounding more tightly around Alex.

Alex smiled, and put her hands over Piper's, squeezing them lightly. "Anything for you, kid." They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the peacefulness that they were now aware they brought to each other. Piper took in Alex's scent, her now favourite smell in the world and Alex was leaning against her body slightly. After a while, Alex then turned around, copying Piper's position as she, too, had wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist. She didn't say anything else, she only looked at Piper intensely, causing Piper to raise an eyebrow at her.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, aware of the heat on her cheeks under Alex's gaze.

"Who doesn't like to stare at beautiful sights?"

"I knew it," Piper said, her smile widening at Alex's words.

"Knew what?"

"That deep inside that tough exterior of yours, you're hiding the _cheesy_ Alex Vause you hate for everyone to see."

"Na-uh. Not cheesy," Alex said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, you are. Don't worry," she said as she pressed a kiss on Alex's cheek, "...I like it." Her lips then travelled sideward, until she was kissing Alex's earlobe, causing the taller girl to moan slightly. "Have I also mentioned that I _really_ , _really, really_ like you?" she whispered on Alex's ear.

"Yeah," Alex responded shakily, her voice evidently lower, "I think you've mentioned it before."

Piper was now looking at Alex, and she almost melted at the look Alex gave her back. It was so full of _affection_ that Piper had never had thrown at her way before Alex, and it was beautiful, _achingly_ so. And she didn't how or why but something had finally _clicked_.

It was a feeling she was damn sure she had always been aware of but chose to ignore. It was something she didn't want to feel so soon especially after finding out about Alex's past because she knew then that this feeling wouldn't be easy for Alex to return to her. It was something that was so _terrifyingly scary_ but also _excruciatingly wonderful_ that she couldn't help but feel excited about the fact that she may just finally let herself open up to it.

And now, looking at Alex, she'd finally decided to come to terms with it. No matter what that meant for her. No matter how that would affect her and Alex's relationship. Piper's been running her whole damn life and maybe, _just maybe_ , it was about time she stopped doing that. So with all the emotions she was feeling at that time, she pulled Alex to her face and kissed her like she's never kissed anyone before, her heart beating so rapidly with this new thing she had finally learned to accept.

 _Piper Chapman has fallen deeply and completely in love with Alex Vause._

-o-o-o-

Days turned into weeks and Piper found herself more and more at ease with her realization about having fallen in love with Alex. She wasn't sure how Alex was gonna react if she found out and she would constantly find herself on the verge of telling her about it. But her fear of pushing Alex away because of it always, always stopped her from doing so. So she let days pass by, keeping her feelings towards Alex like a secret that would potentially destroy the best thing she's ever had her entire life.

It had gotten to a point where Piper thought that keeping it from Alex for a while may have been a good idea. They hadn't been better. Often times, they would go out of town, Alex bringing her to places she's never been before. Sometimes they'd be with Nicky and Lorna, who were by now the two closest people to Piper next to Alex, and they would all just hang out until they were all wasted and too far gone to know what they were even doing.

It was one of the things that had become constant in Alex and Piper's relationship: the _booze_ , the _weed_ , the _drugs_. Both of them weren't talking about it. It just kept happening, every damn time and they would always refuse to give in to the thought that they _shouldn't_ be doing it, that they should _stop._ But the _escape_ that they always got whenever they would let the drugs consume them always won out whenever there was an internal struggle within them about what they _thought_ they needed versus what they _really_ needed.

So they just let it happen over and over again because after all and as far as they were both concerned, they were still in control.

-o-o-o-

When Piper got off from work, she immediately went straight to Alex's house. It had always been a routine for both of them, and it wasn't as hard for Piper to know where Alex was since she was rarely out of her house when she wasn't with Piper. Piper asked her once about finding a job but Alex just laughed it off, saying she'd worked for too damn long and she wasn't planning on doing anything else for a while, especially because she wasn't qualified to do anything else anyway. Add the fact that she's already earned enough that could last her two entire lifetimes and Alex was pretty sure she was okay doing nothing for now.

Piper slowly got inside Alex's house and wasn't surprised when she heard Nicky's booming laugh. Those two were almost as inseparable as her and Alex and it was one of the reasons why Nicky had become so close to Piper. Nicky, too, had grown to like Piper more than she ever thought she would. Nicky rarely showed she cared, but when she did, it was always directed to only four people: Red, Alex, Lorna and Piper.

 _"Admit it, Vause."_ Piper heard Nicky say.

 _"There's nothing to admit,"_ answered Alex and Piper didn't know what had made her stop and listen to the conversation before she showed herself to the two.

 _"Oh come on! I see the way you look at her. You never look at another person if you don't feel anything."_

 _"I do feel something, Nichols. I care about Piper, you know that. I would do anything for her."_

Piper felt her heart swell at Alex's words and wanted to go to her and hug her right there and then.

 _"You know you feel something more than that, why don't you admit it to yourself?"_

Piper waited for the answer, feeling like her heart was gonna explode out of her chest. She wanted to walk away, _scared_ to know Alex's answer, but she also wanted to stay, _wanting_ to know Alex's answer. So she waited. And it was the longest wait she's ever had to endure.

 _"I don't know, after Ashley... I don't... I don't think I'm capable of that kind of love again."_

And before Piper even knew it, she was running away from Alex's house.

-o-o-o-

Piper slept that night out of exhaustion from crying. She knew Alex would be waiting for her at her home, that she would be calling her if she didn't come. But she ignored all of it. Tonight was going to be just like any other night before she's met Alex, Piper cut out from the rest of the world, Piper going through the pain until she was numb enough to feel anything _at all_.

She should've expected it. Alex thought she was fucked up. And in some sense, Piper could see that. What Alex went through was something that would never be easy to forget. It was something that could ruin one's life and Piper was aware that Alex was barely holding on so she would not succumb to that darkness that was constantly pulling at her, not letting Alex see that there was still something good left in her life.

If she was being honest, Piper really thought that she was _enough,_ that her being there for Alex all the time was helping her get through it. It was one of the reasons why she didn't stop it when they were already drinking too much because she knew it was helping Alex _forget_. It was one of the reasons why she would always let Alex whenever she would give her the damn drugs because she didn't want her to think that she was _alone_ in this. It was one of the reasons why she had let herself fall in love with her because she thought that it was going to be Alex's _final escape_ from that terrible night that had been slowly ruining her every fucking second.

But she wasn't enough. She had never been for anyone before Alex. So why on earth would it be any different now?

 _"You're not worth it."_

 _"That's not true."_

 _"It is and you know it. It was true when you were a child and your brother left and never came back for you. It was true when your mother constantly chose her social status over you. It was true when your father cared for other people more than he cared for you. It had always been true."_

 _"No, stop. You're lying to me. Go away, you're not real. Get the hell away from me!"_

 _"Admit it Piper, even your own family couldn't love you. Now why the hell do you think that I would? I don't love you, Piper. I never will. I love Ashley, she will always be the only woman I'd ever love my whole life."_

 _"Stop, please."_

 _"And one day, you would just wake up and realize that you're all alone again. Because people always leave, Piper. I know it, and you do, too. They always leave anyone who's not worthy enough to stay for."_

"NO!" Piper woke up panting, Alex's words at her still freshly etched on her mind. She was breathing raggedly and before she could stop it, her tears were dropping fast. Her dream felt so real and no matter how hard she shut her eyes so she could forget about it, Alex's face would always pop up, slowly killing her with those words that Piper only knew as the _truth._

Suddenly, she could hear someone running outside her door and it was becoming nearer. Then the door swung open, and there stood an out-of-breathe Alex, looking so terrified it made Piper's heart ache. "Piper!" she ran towards her on the bed and reached for her face but Piper jolted away from her touch. Piper could see the confusion on Alex's face but it was quickly replaced by a look of worry. "Hey, I heard you screaming. What's wrong? What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine," Piper was still breathing heavily, and the fact that she was now seeing Alex in front of her was making things worse because all she could ever think of was the way she spit those words at her in her dream, like some venom that was never meant to kill but only to hurt to the point where you'd rather die than keep feeling it.

"You're not fine. Why didn't you come by my place? I was waiting for you. And I kept calling you but you weren't answering. Fuck, Piper, I was so worried."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it was my _obligation_ to do those things." Piper refused to look at Alex but she felt the raven-haired tense at her words.

"Pipes, that's not what I... I didn't mean it like that, okay? Just please, tell me what's going on, you're scaring me." Again, Alex tried to reach for Piper's face but the blonde stood up so quickly it almost threw Alex off balance. Piper looked terrified of her, and she felt the pang in her chest looking at Piper this way.

"You should go, Alex. It's late. I have work tomorrow."

"Not until you tell me what the hell's going on!"

"Nothing is!"

"Piper, we were okay a while ago. And then you suddenly don't come by my place, something you've _always_ done for the all the past months we've known each other, and you don't answer my calls, something you've _never_ done in all of those months. And now I hear you screaming, and I'm asking you what's going on but all I get is this cold treatment. What the fuck happened, Piper?!"

"You wanna know what happened?! I fucking fell in love with you, Alex, that's what happened! And you know what else? _She_ happened. _You and her_ happened." Piper felt her body weaken at the mention of _her_ , someone who was gone by now but whose existence was always felt by Piper through Alex. So when she spoke again, it was so much softer, so much more _pained_ , as if it was taking every ounce of her strength to say each of those words. "And I'm sorry. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way. She's a huge part of your life, if not the _most,_ and I am so mad at myself because right now, I fucking _hate_ her." Piper knew it was selfish of her, but once the words came out of her, she couldn't stop them anymore. "Because I love you... so... _so much,_ Alex _._ But it won't ever matter because it's _her_ you love. It's _always_ going to be her."

"That's... that's not—" Alex felt her body stiffen at Piper's words, and she wished she could say anything that would make more sense but she couldn't. And she knew it was making matters worse. It hurt her seeing Piper this way. It was like there was an iron fist squeezing at her chest, making it hard for her to breathe. She had never seen Piper look so broken. This was the look she swore to herself she would never allow for Piper to have. But _she_ did it to her. Alex was breaking Piper and she felt her own heart break at the sight. "Piper, that's not true. I can—"

"Alex," Piper whispered and she sounded so defeated Alex thought she'd never hated herself more. "I just told you I love you. And you..." Piper choked back the sob that was threatening to come out of her mouth. "...and _you didn't say it_ _back_..." Piper _tried._ She _really_ did. But right at that moment, she couldn't stop the tears anymore. They were dropping one by one and it made everything so blurry she missed the same tears that flowed from Alex's own eyes. "You should leave," Piper softly added, looking down at her feet, scared to look at Alex.

"Piper..." Alex took one step forward, but Piper immediately took one back, that made Alex stop on her tracks.

"Please, just go."

"I'm not leaving you, Piper."

"People always _leave,_ Alex. Everyone in my life before you, they all fucking did. What _difference_ do you make, really?"

"I'm _not_ them."

"Doesn't mean you're not the same."

"Pipes, please don't do this—"

"Don't. Just get out, Alex. Get the fuck out of my house and don't ever come back again."

And Piper gave Alex the look that she'd always been dreading to have from Piper since day one. That look that told Alex she was _done_ and that she regretted having her in her life in the first place. That look that just proved Alex that she wasn't someone who should be associating with anyone. That look that confirmed the fact that Alex Vause was a life-ruiner and that she didn't deserve to be loved at all. Not _now_ , and certainly not _ever_.

So when she's gotten this in her mind, it made walking away and not looking back so much easier. And when she closed the door behind her, one last dagger buried inside her was twisted like it meant to bleed her dry when she heard Piper's screams and cries, the sound of another victim of Alex's fucking hell for a life.

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **izzielg,** And thank you, as well, for reviewing! Haha, I got that same reaction from the other people who have seen the entire season. I think it's not bad in its entirety but there were some things that could have been better, maybe?But oh well, maybe season 4 will be better, especially for Vauseman. Let's just hope for that. And you're right! Lots of wonderful stories here, they keep me sane! =)

 **elliellie1,** Thank you so much! I'm happy that you liked the previous chapter. And you'd find out about Piper's story soon, I promise. Thanks again!

 **Budda1127,** Thank you for your review! I love it when you guys would go into details about what you think about the chapter that I posted. Piper's backstory will be coming soon, just finding it a little hard on how I'd go with it. Thanks for patiently waiting! Again, your review is one of my favourites and I love you for that! =))

 **TinyGuitarist,** Awww, thank you! That means so much to me! Hopefully, you'd like this chapter, too! =)

 **vausegasm,** OH MY GOD YOUR REVIEW IT'S AMAZING. Haha. That seriously lit up my face the entire time I was reading it, and even afterwards. I'm so glad you liked the smut. I heart you, too, woman! And thanks again, I missed reading your reviews as well. Sorry, this update took so long.

 **Joey2920,** Thank goodness you weren't disappointed all the way! Haha. Thank you for your review and hopefully, you don't get disappointed with this chapter, too. Haha.

 **Phantomjazz,** Hey, sorry about the delay and thank you for that PM you sent me. =) Here's the new chapter, I will try my best to post the next chapter as soon as I can.

 **moanzs,** Thank you for your review, that was amazing. You've always been wonderful. Hope you like this one, too! =)

 **sara lance,** Thank you! I've barely talked about their drug use in this chapter but they're gonna be explored further in later chapters. Talk to you in dm soon. Haha. =)

 **schillingarmy,** Thank you, I'm glad you think so! =)) And take care as well, have an amazing day! Thank you for making me blush. Haha.

 **Guest (yay love this story),** Aw, yay thank you! Love you! =))

 **xunconsciousx,** Oh my gosh, you don't know how much you calling this your "favourite" made my day! It means a lot coz I know how many awesome fan fics are in this site so thank you, really, you're an angel. =) And I hope you get some free time soon. So you can read this without guilt haha. Thanks again! =)

 **Guest (can't wait),** Thank you for your review! Here's the new chapter now, and so sorry you're gonna have to wait a while after this again haha.

 **Mamazingvauseman,** Thanks girl! I'm seriously so in-love with you on the other hand lol. Here's a new chapter hope you like it =)

 **Marijn,** Hi, girl! Yeah , it does feel like such a long time ago! I'm glad you're having a great time and congrats on your summer break. Lol. I just got a three-week break, too! So I'm going to try to enjoy it as much as you do. Wow, med school! Good luck, girl! I know you'll do great =)) I'm doing great, reading your reviews makes my heart swell. :") Your review is amazing. Thank you for pointing out the lil details of the previous chapter, it makes your review so much more special. So thank you! And you're right, we should really start talking through dm, I will send you one now. Haha. Hugs and kisses right back at you, girl!

 **haleynicole37,** I hope you've reached this chapter so you can read my message for you. Haha. Thank you for the reviews you left! They help in motivating me to write more. So thanks again! =)

 **Guest (who loves me for updating),** Aww, and I love you for reviewing! And I also love that you loved the previous chapter, I can't thank you enough! And yes, I will explore the pills thing further lol. Thanks again! =)

 **I3VauseMan,** Hi there! I hope we're on the same page now? Haha. Anyway, life just gave me a breather and I now have a three-week break so hopefully I can use this time to write more =)) Thank you! I'm glad you think so, I try to get into their relationship a little further and at the same time explore them as individuals. And as for the bathroom scene, thank god you think it's hot lol. It was hard for me to write that. The drugs thing will be explored even further though I hope you'll still stick with this. I listened to the song you mentioned (Heroes by David Bowie) it's amazing! I like to associate what I write with music, too. Again, thank you for your review!

 **jo michael,** Oh my gosh, that is so sweet! =) Sorry updates are taking so long. But hey, here's the good news! I get a three-week break so maybe I can update a little faster now. Haha. And also, you don't need to worry. I have no plans of abandoning this fic (unless of course it's already a life-or-death situation haha). Yeah, it'll probably rock getting high with Vauseman hahaha. And yeah, I had to add some things that are from the show itself so Lorna had to be getting married. I hope I can explore on her story with Nicky, too. Your super long review is making me want to jump up and down out of joy, it's really so kind of you. =)) And yeah, I missed you, too! I'm glad you're having a great time. Until next time, my friend =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you so much! =)

 **ArabianKnights,** Thank you! Glad you liked the previous chapter! Oh, that's great, hope you like this update. =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Ooooh, I'm glad I finally have something I can call you. Haha. Aww, you're welcome! And also, thank you for your review. Yes, probably X or some other stuff. I'm going to be honest, I know very little regarding these things but I will try hard to be as accurate as possible =) Thank you about your review about the smut. I'm very insecure when it comes to writing that kind because I really don't think I'm doing it very well so your review really helps a lot, thanks! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** Thank you! And yes, I will definitely explore on that =)


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**

And I'm back! Thank you for your responses last chapter I was so overwhelmed! You people are the best I want to hug all of you right now. Again, thank you so much! For the favourites and follows and reviews. You're all mamazing!

So anyway, I'm not sure how you'd find this chapter. As for me, I don't know if I'm happy about it or not. I'm pretty sure though that it's not my best chapter and I apologize for that. I decided to finally tell Piper's story but it's not in the same way I did for Alex and I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. So please, please tell me what you think. And if there are certain things that aren't as clear as I should've made them to be, please don't hesitate to ask me about it.

Again, I'm sorry for any mistakes. They're all mine. What aren't mine are the characters and it sucks, but that's life, right? Haha.

 **9**

When Piper heard the door close, she'd finally let out the scream she'd been holding ever since she woke up from her terrible nightmare, hoping all the pain that was seeping through every fiber of her being would go with that scream and finally leave her body. But it didn't help. Right now, _nothing_ did. Because the one person who had ever been there for Piper at times like these was _gone._ And it was Piper who pushed her away.

Growing up into a privileged family, one would think Piper would have whatever it was that she wanted whenever she wanted to. But in all her life, she didn't really ask for anything much. All she really wanted was somebody _to love_ and somebody who would _love her back_. All she ever needed was to feel that the people she cared for more than her own life cared for her the same way, that they would find her worthy enough for that. But she didn't get any of those, not even from her own _family_.

That was until Alex Vause came along.

Alex _cared_ for her. She _paid attention_ to her. She _protected_ her _._ And even though none of those came close to how Piper felt for her, it was more than any other person in her life before Alex had given her. After everything that Alex went through, her own father abandoning her, her mother dying at a young age, her girlfriend dying in front of her, Piper should've understood if Alex didn't love her back.

 _Because Alex had so little love left to give._

Yet, she gave Piper more than what she really deserved from someone who didn't even need to give her the time of day. But Piper made her leave. All because of her fear that one day, Alex might realize that she was just wasting her time with her. All because of her selfish need to be loved back the way she wanted to. All because Piper needed _more,_ when what Alex gave her was already more than what she could give.

And now, all of these just felt so wrong, so out of place. Because Alex didn't have to _go_. Because she was supposed to be _here with Piper_. Because Piper shouldn't ask for anything _more_.

 _"Alex..."_

Piper sobbed into the silence of the room, hoping that it would bring Alex back, that Piper could bring _time_ back.

"Alex..."

Piper then stood, a little more frantically, slowly coming into realization that she might have just pushed away the person she loved more than anybody in this world, _for good_.

"Alex!"

She was now running, silently hoping that there was still time to take it all back. That she wasn't too late, that Alex was still _there._

 _"Alex!"_

Piper opened the door, about to chase her only chance to a life worth living, when she looked to her side and saw the woman who had made all the wonderful difference in her fucked up of a life. Alex was sitting on the floor with her head leaning against the wall of Piper's apartment, her arms hugging her knees, looking at Piper with red, puffy eyes, a mixture of relief and regret and apologies etched on her goddamned _beautiful_ face.

"Alex..." Piper whispered, her shoulders sagging at the sight of Alex, her chest tightening at everything that was happening. She was too relieved and too sad and too hurt all at the same time and she felt her knees almost give up on her at the intensity of all those emotions rushing through her all at once.

"I'm sorry, Piper," Alex mumbled, her voice thick with unshed tears. "I tried. I _really_ did. But I can't— _I can't leave you_ ," she added, shaking her head, as if it was the biggest mistake she had ever done her entire life.

Piper shook her head, too, tears still streaming down her face. "I don't want you to _go_ ," Piper's voice sounded so child-like she sounded as if she was _begging_ for Alex to stay. She slowly walked towards her, afraid that if she walked a little faster, Alex would run away. She then slumped down beside her, stretched her legs in front of her and looked straight up, unable to look at Alex like this. "Alex..." Piper whispered, uncertainty evident in her voice.

"I'm sorry," said Alex with her voice sounding so broken.

"No," Piper shook her head profusely. She looked at Alex for a second before looking away again. " _I'm_ sorry. I just—"

"Pipes." Both of them found it so hard to say anything else apart from each other's name, hoping that _that_ one word, that name coming out of their lips was enough to tell the other what they wanted to say. But they both knew that it was never going to be enough.

So Alex did the one thing she thought she was better at than anything else. She pulled Piper's face to hers, and kissed her. All the apologies she wanted to ask for, the pleadings she wanted to say, every emotion she had at that moment were all balled together in one deep but tender kiss with a quiet hope that _maybe_ it would be better than any other words could ever do.

When they pulled apart, Alex pressed her forehead against Piper's and they both just closed their eyes, not caring that they were both slumped down on the floor, two broken people that had the potential of breaking each other a lot more than they already were. They _needed_ each other, even if it was for some fucked up reasons.

And they'd accepted that now.

"Tell me what happened. Please," whispered Alex, her face still inches from Piper, her left hand enveloping Piper's, while her other hand was gently cupping the blonde's jaw.

Piper knew Alex was only asking about _tonight_. But she wanted to tell her everything. She'd been holding out for too long but she needed to make Alex _understand_ now. Maybe that was everything Piper needed for Alex to _want_ to stay, no matter what the world would throw at them.

"My parents are fucked up. My mother is a fucking WASP who didn't care about anything but her status in a society she thinks she needs to be _perfect_ for. My Dad is a distant alcoholic cheater who cared more about pleasing his girlfriends than his own family. They fought a _lot,_ they probably still do. I wouldn't know coz I haven't spoken to them in years. I grew up thinking that yelling among parents was normal because that was all they ever did. They would throw things at each other without even caring if they'd hit someone else. That's how much they hated,"she paused only to correct herself, "... _hate_ each other."

Piper shook her head at how pathetic her parents were, and how even _more_ pathetic she was for wanting to have their attention so badly. She was facing Alex but she couldn't bring herself to look her in the eye, because she was afraid she'd see _judgment_ in them, even if it was the last thing she knew Alex would give her.

"But they wouldn't fucking leave each other. And I, being this stupid, naive young girl, thought that no matter how much they would fight, at the end of the day they would still end up on the same bed because they still loved each other. And that it was the reason they still stayed together. Turned out they were just two pretentious members of a society that would judge you based on your marital status or whatever those hell of a people thought."

"Hey..." Alex said as she rubbed Piper's back. She could see the anger building up on Piper's eyes, laced with so much hurt, and she wanted to stop it. But she couldn't, because Piper was too far gone in the memories of her parents who now seemed to have turned her into the person she was now.

"Alex, I did _everything_ for them. I tried to be this perfect daughter, doing everything they asked me to, doing everything I thought would make _them_ happy. I was good at school, I made friends with everyone. I didn't give a fuck about whatever it was that I wanted because all I was aiming for was to do what _they_ wanted. All I ever asked for in return was a little bit of _attention_ from them, just a small amount of proof that they _loved_ me despite their imperfections as a couple, as human beings. But they were too selfish to be able to give that to me, or to anyone for that matter."

Tears dropped one by one from Piper's eyes and she wiped them angrily, mad that her parents still made her feel this way. No matter how far she had ran from them, they still affected her and she _hated_ it. They were supposed to be _out_ of her life now. So why were they still affecting her in ways she wasn't capable of stopping?

"I have two brothers, Danny and Cal. We were all there for each other. Whenever our parents would start fighting again, we would all lock ourselves in one room and Danny would distract me and Cal, making stupid jokes or anything, just so we wouldn't pay attention to the yelling and things getting broken outside the room. Sometimes, he would just be there and would keep telling us how everything was going to be okay. I knew it wasn't. But I still believed him, anyway."

-o-o-o-

 _Piper was nine years old. She had shut herself inside her room and then brutally pressed her hands over her ears, wanting to drown out the noises from outside. Her parents were, as usual, yelling at each other again. She didn't even know the reason anymore. All she could recall was her father getting home drunk and then two minutes later she was in her room, sitting against the wall, her knees up to her chin, her eyes shut tightly, hands over her ears._

 _Tears were streaming down her face as she tried thinking of anything just to tune out all the "fuck you's" and "I hate you's" and "bitches" and "assholes." She tried to think of something happy, but she came up empty._

 _Her brothers were with her at the time, Danny on her right and Cal on her left. Cal was too young to know what was going on and Danny had her arm over Piper's shoulder, trying to calm her down. He'd been experiencing this the longest so he had learned to stop caring about their parents._

 _"It's okay, Piper. It's okay," he kept telling Piper, rubbing her arm up and down._

 _But Piper knew it wasn't okay. It never was. But that didn't stop her from hoping that maybe one day it would be._

 _Suddenly, she heard a slamming of the door and soon enough, everything was quiet. She didn't know who gave up first, she didn't know who walked away. All she knew was that she was fucking scared and she just wanted all of this to stop. But she also knew that probably this time again tomorrow night, she would be in the same position, having the same experience, crying until her parents would decide to hit pause and continue again the next day._

 _All the fucking time._

-o-o-o-

Piper smiled sadly as she fiddled with her fingers. She could feel Alex's eyes on her but she still could not dare to look at them. So instead, she kept her gaze fixated on her hands as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

"I was 14. My parents were out at a charity event. I was about to go inside my room when I saw Danny inside his, packing. I didn't know what was going on, all I could see was that he had a luggage and he was putting everything he owned in there. Then I asked him what he was doing and he would just ignore me until Cal came in and asked Danny the same thing. That's when he said that he was leaving for a few days... that he was just going to be at his friend's house for a while and that he'd be back. So we let him go, and Cal and I waited for days. Until days turned into weeks and he was still gone. But we still waited. _I_ waited. Because I knew that he was never going to abandon us. But he never came back. That one person who I thought cared enough to stay, he _left_."

Piper then shook her head, laughing humourlessly at her pathetic young self, _begging_ for love from people who didn't give a fucking damn.

-o-o-o-

 _Piper was 14 years old when her older brother, Danny, decided to leave._

 _Her parents were out, they had to attend some yuppie cocktail party, a charity event only the most elite people in town were invited to. Honestly, she despised these events full of pretentious and WASPy people trying to act as if everything about them was perfect when it couldn't be farther from the truth. Take her parents for instance. People think they were this perfect couple with three perfect children when they were actually the most fucked up human beings Piper had ever seen._

 _"What are you doing?" she asked her brother when she saw him packing his things._

 _"It's none of your business. Just go back to your damn room."_

 _Piper ignored him and asked another question. "Are you leaving?" Danny remained quiet, still scrambling to put his things inside his bag. He looked as if he was in a hurry. "Danny!" Piper decided to finally grab his brother's arm to get his attention._

 _"What?!" Danny yelled back angrily as he pulled his arm away from Piper._

 _"Where are you going? Why are you packing your things?" Piper's eyes were wide open, she was frantic and panicked at the thought of her brother leaving. He and Cal were all she had, Piper had stopped caring about her parents but she and her brothers were supposed to be a team. And teams didn't just leave each other._

 _Suddenly, Cal was at the door, looking at them confused. Piper wanted to take Cal away from there but she was afraid to leave the room and go back there only to find out that Danny was gone._

 _"Danny," Piper said, and it sounded almost like a pleading whisper, she looked at her older brother, silently asking him to stay._

 _Danny hesitated, looking back and forth from Piper and Cal. "I'll be back, okay? I'll just stay at my friend's for a while." Piper looked at him more intently, trying to decide whether he was telling the truth or not. "I promise," Danny added, squeezing Piper's arm, before he rushed out of the door._

 _Piper was left inside the room, looking as her brother walked away, aware of the way Cal was studying her reaction, waiting for any sign that everything was okay and that their brother was indeed coming back. So Piper looked at him and forced herself to smile. "He's coming back, Cal. Come on, let's go get some food," Piper assured him as he walked him out of the door, unaware that it was going to be the last time they would be in one place with their older brother._

-o-o-o-

"But life had to go on, right? So it did. It was just Cal and I by then, and I had to become _Danny_ for him. Truthfully, that's when I was supposed to understand Danny for leaving... for giving up on our family. Because I found out how damn hard it was to become the person being relied on. For a while, I was fine, I thought I could do it. But then it just got so exhausting, you know? Having to calm Cal down whenever my parents would come close to killing each other again. Having to take care of my alcoholic father whenever my mom would just leave him like a piece of trash every time he was too drunk to function. Having to become the daughter my mom needed me to be just so she can parade me to her so-called friends. It was such a _shitty_ , _fucking life._ "

The anger that came with every word Piper said was becoming more and more apparent the longer Alex listened to her. It was obvious how much hatred Piper was carrying and it was ironic because it was _loving too fucking much_ that had resulted into that. And at that moment, Alex wanted nothing but to meet those people who had turned Piper into this bitter, angry, disconnected person that she was and tell them how much they screwed Piper up. She wanted to yell at them and make them see how they had made Piper consciously build a wall around her for so many years to keep people _away_ , how they had made her think that she wasn't someone worthy enough to be loved.

At that point, Alex _hated_ them.

But she hated herself even more... because she was the one who made Piper remember all of that again.

-o-o-o-

 _Piper was 17 years old and her parents were fighting again._

 _It had been going on for so many years that she stopped asking why they kept fighting or when it would ever stop. The only question she kept asking herself now was why they were still together. They seemed to hate each other so much so why couldn't they just leave each other and leave her and Cal in peace?_

 _She heard another crash and she was pretty sure her parents have moved to that phase where they would throw anything they could get a hold of to each other. She didn't flinch anymore. Her body stayed as it was, unmoving and curled up. She had managed to shut all her emotions when it came to her parents fighting. She had managed to shut her emotions, period._

 _When Danny left, she spent most of her days waiting for him to come back. It didn't bother her yet when it had been three days and he still had not returned. He was probably still with his friends and with the way their parents were, she couldn't really blame him if he wanted to stay out of their house for a while. If not for Cal, she would've probably done the same, leave the house for days and then come back whenever she wanted to. But Cal needed her. So she still stayed._

 _One week passed and Danny had not yet returned. Cal had been asking for him non-stop. With the constant physical and emotional absence of their own father, Danny had become like the father to him. Piper didn't know what else to say other than "He's going to be back," all the while wondering if he indeed was._

 _One month since Danny had left and Piper had given up of him coming back. She was furious. Furious at Danny for leaving and for promising that he was coming back, furious at her parents for not even caring ("He's a grown up, he'll be back when he realizes he can't live without our money."), furious at herself for wasting weeks of her life waiting for someone to come back even though she knew that he had abandoned them for good._

 _And without ever admitting it to herself, Piper had grown devastatingly furious at this world that was cruel enough to make her suffer just because she learned to love too much._

-o-o-o-

"That's when I decided to leave. When I realized that Danny wasn't coming back, I thought, 'Why could he do it and I couldn't?' I had every right to give up, too. So I did leave. I had to get three jobs just so I could go to college. But for a while, I felt better than I ever did. I thought if my own parents wouldn't love me, maybe _other_ people would. How fucking wrong was I?" Piper laughed humourlessly.

For a second, Alex felt guilt wash through her because that felt like a jab at her. It was like Piper was accusing her indirectly for what just happened to them a while ago. And out of instinct, she squeezed Piper's hand tighter, silently asking for another _apology._ Like that would _change_ anything.

"I met _him_ during college. His name was Larry."

Piper continued with her narration and it was like she wasn't even talking to anyone anymore. She was just straight up _recalling_ things, wondering what had gotten her here. She wasn't just trying to make Alex understand anymore. She was making _herself_ understand.

"I know, what a fucking name, right? But yeah, I met him and I was stupid enough to think that he was finally who I have been waiting for my whole life. For a while, I thought I was right. He was the perfect boyfriend. But then again, life's shitty and life hates me so he ended up cheating on me with the person I thought was my best friend," Piper breathed deeply before exhaling tiredly.

"But you know what the worst part was when I found out about that? It was the fact that I didn't feel the _pain_ that a normal person was supposed to feel. It was knowing that the only bad thing I got out of that was realizing I had become so fucked up that I couldn't feel _anything_ anymore. I thought I just learned to block out the terrible things that I'd experienced before. Turned out I actually blocked out everything entirely."

The tears that Piper had managed to stop for a while started flowing again and this time she made no move to stop them.

"I moved away from my own family because I wanted to start a life without them. I wanted to know what kind of life I would have if they weren't a part of it. I thought I was fine... that it was the right decision to leave. And that the only thing I regretted was not leaving with Cal. But after that thing with Larry, I realized I didn't regret leaving Cal at all. I realized that the moment I knew Danny wasn't coming back, that's when I learned to stop _caring_. It was when I stopped hoping that my parents would learn to be humans enough to love their own children. And I think that's what truly broke me."

And _finally,_ she looked at Alex, looked her straight in the eyes and wanted to let her see through her... wanted to let her know how truly _broken_ she was and how desperately she needed Alex to fix her back up. She knew it was _unfair_ to the older woman because she wasn't her _burden_ to carry. But Piper was goddamned exhausted and she just wanted to feel _normal_ again, whatever normal meant these days.

"Oh, Pipes." Alex pulled Piper in her arms and hugged her so tightly they could barely breathe.

"Alex," Piper sobbed as she burrowed her face in Alex's neck, "...why couldn't my own parents love me?" She tried to stop herself from crying, but that truth that she had pushed so deeply just so it couldn't hurt her was hitting at her like some unstoppable force she couldn't fight. All those years she chose to stop caring, all those times she's made herself believe that she didn't _need_ their love anymore, they had all come crashing on her right now it made it hard to breathe.

So she clutched at Alex's shirt tightly, trying to hold on as if it was the only thing that could keep her sane right now. And then as if her pain wasn't enough, a torturous thought crossed her mind, _"Why can't you love me?"_ she silently asked Alex and it hit her hard because _that_ hurt so much _more_.

And as if reading Piper's previous thoughts, "I'm here. I won't ever leave you. I _promise_ ," Alex whispered, her urge to protect Piper from the cruelty of this world, something she was also very much well aware of, became stronger at every sob Piper would try to choke back. And as she had her arms wrapped around Piper's, a sudden realization hit her and there was no way she would still refuse to accept it. "Piper... _I love you_ ," she said so softly she wasn't even sure if Piper had heard her. But she felt her tense and she knew right then that Piper had heard every word. So she said it again, this time with a little bit more conviction. "I love you, too."

Piper had to disentangle herself from Alex, shaking her head in the process. The thing that Alex said should've made her feel better. It's what she wanted to hear, right? It's the reason why they were here in the first place. But instead, it hurt her even more, knowing Alex was only saying those words not because she _meant_ it, but because she thought she _needed_ to. "A-Al, don't... You don't have to tell me that just so I'd feel better. It's okay. I understand." And in her mind, she thought, _"You're just making me feel worse."_

But Alex shook her head as she brought her hands to Piper's face and held it in place so the blonde would have no choice but to look at her. "No, Piper. I mean it."

Piper did look back at Alex and she was surprised to notice the sincerity in Alex's eyes. She wanted to believe her, really. To think that Alex loved her back was making her heart beat so rapidly in her chest but she wouldn't let herself _pretend_ because she knew that it was just gonna ruin her even more. Alex _didn't_ love her. She loved _Ashley_. And that was the truth that Piper needed to believe in.

"Alex, I heard you."

"What?"

"I came by your house today. And I heard you talking to Nicky. I heard what you said about..." Piper swallowed, unable to even just _say_ Ashley's name. But just one look at Alex and Piper knew she understood. So she let her sentence hang until Alex spoke, confusion apparent in her eyes.

"What did you hear?"

Piper sighed and almost rolled her eyes. "Are you really going to make me say it again?"

"Pipes, please. I just... I need to know what you heard," Alex pleaded as she brushed back Piper's hair that was almost falling on her face. She then caressed Piper's jaw with her thumb while she waited for her to answer her question. She could feel the blonde's body tensing but as much as she hated it, she needed to know what she heard.

"Y-you said that you're not capable of that kind of love again," Piper almost mumbled her words, because voicing them out felt like a knife was being twisted in her chest. She then looked away, not wanting Alex to see how much pain she was feeling at the moment.

"And?"

"And then I ran away," she paused. "Did I _not_ hear you right?" For one split second, Piper _hoped_ that she heard Alex wrong, that it was not really what she said.

"You did."

And at that moment, Piper felt her whole world crash right at her, _again_. There was in no way now that Alex was going to learn to love her the same way Piper felt for her. And maybe she did tell herself that it was okay, that she was going to accept that if only it meant Alex was going to stay with her. But that didn't remove the fact that it hurt like hell.

But then Alex continued and it rendered Piper speechless.

"I'm not capable of that kid of love again, because I've already learned my lesson. With Ashley," Alex paused, inhaling deeply.

Saying Ashley's name out loud always felt like a punch in Alex's gut. It had become so much like a curse that meant to shred her apart every time she said it. That's why she avoided saying it as much as she could. But right now, she didn't really care anymore. Right now, it was all about _Piper_ and how much she was hurting because of her. So she continued.

"...with Ashley, it was all about what _I_ wanted. I wanted her to be with me, so I asked her to move her life for me. I wanted her to stay by my side, so I never told her what I did for a living. She wanted me _out_ of the cartel, I wanted to _stay_ , so I _stayed_. And look... look where it got her." Alex stopped again, her breathing starting to feel shallow being reminded of all of it again.

Piper could see how difficult this was to Alex. And like an instinct, she held Alex close. It had become a reflex, not only for Piper but for Alex, too, to soothe each other through body language every time they could sense each other's uneasiness or pain. And right now, that's what Piper did. "Alex, you don't have to—"

"No, Piper, you _have_ to understand. The kind of love I had for Ashley was a _selfish_ one... and I can't have that again." Alex shook her head as she brought her and Piper's foreheads together. "So yeah, you heard me right," she whispered, feeling Piper's hot breath on her. "But that didn't mean I can't fall in love again. Coz I already have... with you," Alex had her eyes closed so she couldn't see the tears that were again starting to form on Piper's eyes.

By the time she opened her eyes, she pulled away from Piper just enough for her to be able to look her in her beautiful cerulean blue eyes. "I love you, Piper. And I'm not just saying this because I think it's what you need to hear. I'm telling you I love you because I do... so _fucking_ much that it scares me... which is also the reason why I haven't said it back earlier. But... But I am so done running away. You and me, we've gone through so much shit before. We're both _fucked up_ and we know that. But we're also _inevitable_. And I know that whatever the hell happened, or is happening or will happen in the future, we can keep hiding from everything. But this, _us_ ," Alex pointed at her and Piper, "...this is never going away, because I won't let it. I'm not going to fuck this up. I love you, Piper. And I want to be with you." She paused again, as she studied Piper's face. "So... will you let me?"

At that moment, Piper felt like thanking whoever was responsible up there for every fucked up thing that has ever happened in her life. She wanted to _celebrate_ them because those things, those were what led her to _this_ , to the _now._ And that was with _Alex._ The person who had made her relearn how to love. The person who had made her feel the only thing she's ever asked for all her life. The person who had just admitted to her that she felt the same way she felt for her.

And finally through her tears, Piper smiled as she slowly nodded her head. "Yes... Alex, I love you." She then pulled Alex through her shirt and kissed her senseless, those three beautiful words coming out from both of their lips all the while. "I love you _so much_."

There were a lot of things left unresolved, a lot of things that needed to be dealt with.

But Piper Chapman was crazily and utterly in-love with Alex Vause.

And Alex Vause deeply and completely loved Piper Chapman back.

And right now, that was all that really _mattered._

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **izzielg,** Wow, thank you for having faith in me. That's not pressuring at all. Haha! Kidding. =)) Anyway, thank you for your review. That's really sweet, I'm blushing :" And I'm sorry I don't update fast, I hope that's okay.

 **moanzs,** Aw, thank you! I'm glad you did! Although with this one, I'm not quite sure. Haha. And don't worry, your review made a lot of sense haha. And as always, I love your review and thank you for leaving one! Hope this chapter did not disappoint much! =)

 **helen,** Thank you! I brought them back together as soon as this chapter and hopefully I can justify as to why in the future if I haven't accomplished that in this one. Thanks again for that review, it's wonderful. =)

 **Budda1127,** Wow, thank you for that review! It's very detailed and I love detailed reviews, it helps me in my writing. =) There's no Nicky in this chapter but she will be vital in Alex and Piper's relationship in the future. I hope this chapter is okay. Until next time! =)

 **vausegasm,** Hi sweetheart! Oh my God, you did it again. The smile on my face while reading your review is crazy. You're really funny. Haha. I'm so sorry for breaking your heart but I hope this chapter made up for that! You are honestly one of my favourite reviewers and I hope you keep'em coming! And I missed you, too! If only I can talk to you a lot more. Thank you so much for that amazing review. Love you lots! =))

 **valevauseman,** They are indeed so fucked up. Haha. Thank you for your review! Just so you know, I love your stories, too! I've left some reviews in there but only as a Guest. Haha. Keep writing! I'm just sitting here waiting for Radio Serendipity update. =)

 **Guest (great story!),** Thank you! Hope you like this one and I'm sorry you're gonna have to wait a while again. Haha.

 **pitterpat87,** You know what, we three are the same then! I can kill someone whenever I'm having a hangover and I just based Piper's reaction on mine just a little more than a week ago! Haha. Aww, I'm sorry I kept you from work I hope everything was still good though. =) Nicky will play an important part in Piper and Alex's relationship in the future but right now, I think it was needed that they both dealt with this on their own. Thank you for your review, that was rather sweet =)

 **Skye9598,** I think at some point, it was necessary to break your heart. Haha! Kidding! I never intended for that to happen (Hm, maybe a little haha) and I'm sorry! Your review brought a smile to my face so thank you very much. And I'm glad your posting with your username now, at least I have something to call you Skye9598, haha.

 **Guest (How could you?),** You made my heart skip a beat with your review, darn. Haha! Thank God for the last sentence. =)) Thank you so much for your review and I'm sorry for the emotions I've put you through because of the previous chapter. Lol.

 **Phantomjazz,** Wow, thank you! 'Powerful' is such a strong word, but I really appreciate it. You're welcome and thank you for reviewing! =)

 **sara lance,** Hi dear! I'm sorry that the previous chapter hurt you and broke your heart, haha. I hope this chapter makes up for it. Anyway, thank you! I will try to keep the angst down but no promises. You know I live for that haha. Just kidding. Have a great day! =)

 **FFChik,** Yep, they are indeed broken and hopefully I can lead them towards being each other's way to fix themselves. No Nicky yet in this chapter but she will be an important part of their relationship in the future chapters. Thank you for that review! =)

 **awkwardlynormal13,** Hey, no need to apologize for that quote because it's actually accurate! Haha. Thank you for the kind words for the previous chapter. And I love your username it's so cool. =)

 **schillingarmy,** Thank you for your review! I appreciate that you liked how I depicted Piper in the previous chapter. =)

 **Disney02829,** Thank you! And you're awesome, too! Here's a new chapter. Sorry if it's not as 'good' as the other previous ones. =(

 **huggerguest,** Wow, thank you for that mini-review for chapter 7! Haha. I'm glad it made you feel that way =))) Thanks for your amazing review, it made my heart melt knowing that's what you think of it. It really means a lot so thank you very much! And don't worry, your English is very good! And English is also not my first language so I think we're all allowed mistakes here. There's no problem, really. =)

 **Vausemaniac,** That's a really great review, thank you! I didn't let them stay 'broken up' for good even though technically they're not really together 'together' so hopefully that's okay with you. Thank you again for your review. =))

 **Marijn,** Hi! I agree, girl, Vauseman is too cute and thank you you thought so at the start of the previous chapter. Your review is amazing, I don't even know what to say to that except agree to everything! Lol. There are certain things I would like to reply to your review but I don't know if I should because then I wouldn be 'spoiling' lol so maybe I'll just shut up. Haha! I'm not very happy with how this chapter turned out I hope you're not that disappointed as I am =( Til next time, girl!

 **Guest (OMG IM IN PAIN),** OMG I'M SO SORRY =(

 **Joey2920,** Hm, I guess that's a good thing? Haha. I'm sorry I made you teary-eyed but I was aiming for that, haha, just kidding! Yes, and in this chapter they did! Hopefully, this chapter was okay. Thank you for your review!

 **elliellie1,** Heyyy, I got them back together! Do I get brownie points? Haha! Anyway, thank you for your review. You're amazing as always. =)

 **jo michael,** I'm sorry I broke your heart! But hopefully, this chapter somehow made up for that? Haha. I am having an amazing time so far, thank you. How about you? How's life treating you? =) Yeah, maybe you should start creating an account so we can communicate through DM and be able to talk more haha. Thank you for your review and hopefully you're not too disappointed with this chapter. Until next time!

 **g4gusgrisam,** Wow, hi new reader! I'm glad you're liking my story so far. Thank you for that wonderful review. And I'm sorry for making you feel pain by reading this story. But that's a good thing for me, right? Haha. Again, thank you very much!

 **GabixM98,** Aww, thank you! You're amazing, too!

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Hi, thank you for that review! And wish granted, they're still together! =) I'm glad you liked me putting in one of the songs in Vauseman's playlist here. I love You Wouldn't Like Me, haha.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:**

So, this took me way too long to post. This was so hard to write that it turned out so crappy, so you can just see it as a filler chapter or something. This was also a bit rushed coz I'm leaving town tomorrow and I wanted to upload a chapter before I left. So apologies for any mistakes because I haven't had time to proof read it. Will try to post a new chapter before school starts again.

Thank you very much to everyone who gave this story a follow. It's reached more than 200 follows and I'm really grateful.

Don't own Orange Is The New Black. Nor Vauseman. Life sucks. Haha.

 **10**

Alex just got home after bringing Piper to work and she instantly felt the missing presence of her girlfriend. It's almost been two weeks after she nearly lost her and Alex could honestly say that if she didn't have the balls to admit to the blonde what she really felt, she would have forever lost the only person left to make her life worth living. But thankfully, she came to her senses and now she could freely, and _happily_ , call Piper _her girlfriend._

She still smiled at the memory of when everything about them became _official_.

 _Alex decided to visit Piper at Red's unofficially by being a 'customer.' She knew how much that made the blonde uncomfortable because she found it hard to act appropriately when Alex couldn't do much else but tease her. But Alex was bored, and more accurately, she missed Piper, so she went to see her at work anyway._

 _"Hi," said Tricia, one of the other waitresses at Red's Diner. She was about to take Alex's order when she noticed the raven-haired looking behind her. When she turned towards where Alex was looking at, she could see Piper taking another customer's orders and she knew she was who Alex wanted at the time. "Uhm, do you want to just wait for Blondie instead?"_

 _"She has a name," Alex replied giving Tricia a glare. She was fine with Red and Nicky calling Piper that because she knew it had become something like a term of 'endearment' for both of them, they now treated Piper like family. And this girl in front of her wasn't family. She had no right to refer to Piper as anything other than her_ _ **name**_. " _It's Piper. If you call her anything other than that again, I'll make sure it'll be your last day with work," she added sharply._

 _Tricia just raised both her hands skyward in surrender and turned her back on her. She knew not to mess with any of Red's 'kids' if she wanted to keep her job, so she just decided to walk away without saying anything. But it didn't stop her from rolling her eyes when she knew Alex couldn't see her anymore._

 _Alex knew she had acted harshly but she couldn't help but feel even more protective over Piper after finding out about her story. Sure, it was just a name and there really wasn't any harm done but Piper had gone through so much and the least anyone can do for her was to properly acknowledge who she was. Lost in her thought, she hadn't noticed Piper approach her table._

 _"Hi, may I take your order?"_

 _Alex's face immediately lit up when she heard Piper's voice. When she looked up at her, she had this smile that Alex knew Piper only had for her. At that moment, all Alex wanted to do was grab Piper and kiss her senseless but even if Red would probably understand, she still didn't want to take the risk of getting the blonde in trouble. "Hm, yes you may," Alex answered, her grin so wide she knew she was starting to look like an idiot, but she didn't care anyway._

 _She then looked at the menu even though her mind wasn't really on it. She could feel Piper's eyes on her and she fought back the grin that was threatening to come out of her lips. She was taking her time, waiting until Piper finally cracked out of character and she knew that would be any minute now. True enough, only a few minutes later, Piper spoke again._

 _"You know, I don't really have all day," Piper said, shifting her weight to her other foot._

 _Alex looked at Piper, faking a surprised look, "My, my, can't say I'm not disappointed. I thought the service here was good." She then shook her head, earning her a reprimanding look from Piper._

 _"Alex..." hissed the blonde, but Alex could see a ghost of smile on her lips._

 _"What? Can't I take my time to figure out what I want to eat?"_

 _"Oh bullshit, we both know you didn't really come here for the food."_

 _Alex laughed at Piper's failed attempt to get 'mad' at her. "Oooh, feisty. I like it."_

 _"Alex, there are other custom—"_

 _"And I'm not?"_

 _"I know you're just messing with me. What are you really doing here?" Piper tried to sound annoyed, albeit unsuccessfully._

 _Alex finally dropped the menu and looked Piper in the eye. "Fine, you got me," she then paused, wondering if she should tell Piper why she's really here. After a while, she decided to just tell her, no matter how lame she would probably sound. "I just missed you, kid."_

 _"What? We've only seen each other two hours ago." Piper tried to sound as if she wasn't affected by it, she really did. But the smile that formed on her lips betrayed her. She could feel the flutters in her stomach, in a really terrifyingly good way._

 _"Does that mean you don't miss me, too?" Alex asked, cocking her head to the side a little, raising an eyebrow at Piper._

 _Piper took her time to answer, knowing it would make Alex uncomfortable. "Hmmm..." She could see Alex move her gaze away from her, quite uncomfortably, and Piper realized it could be a bad idea to keep her waiting. "Are you kidding me? Of course, I missed you, too," she lightly kicked Alex's foot underneath the table, being the only way she could be affectionate with the raven-haired without catching too much attention from everyone who could see them._

 _And just like that, they were both smiling like love struck teenagers, Alex trying hard to keep herself from pulling Piper into a tight, long hug and a deep, amazing kiss._

 _"Hey, uhm, excuse me?" Alex and Piper's moment was broken when a tall, good-looking guy approached Piper. He seemed new in town, judging by the way he walked to Piper, somewhat unsure and unfamiliar. "Hi, I'm Alex."_

 _Alex could see Piper stifle a laugh at the coincidence, barely managing to keep a straight face. "Oh, Alex, that's a nice name. Hi. I'm Piper."_

 _The guy seemed to like how Piper complimented his name, well, he thought 'his' name, coz he looked a bit more confident than when her first approached her. "Thanks," he mumbled before continuing. "Listen," started the guy, shoving his hands inside his pockets, "I don't wanna seem too forward but I really don't wanna miss this opportunity. Uh, would you like to have coffee with me sometimes?"_

 _If Alex didn't find the things going on so amusing, she would've probably dragged the guy out of the diner and beat the crap out of him. But the look of anxiety on the guy, mixed with his apparent surprise that he was able to do what he just did, was enough for Alex to want to see how Piper would handle this and where this would all lead to._

 _Piper threw her a slight glance, much to the guy's obliviousness, because evidently, his eyes were only for Piper at the time, before she looked back at the guy again. "Uh, that'd be great," Piper replied, a little too enthusiastically for Alex's own liking. She really wasn't expecting this. Her face fell as the guy's face lit up, but before any of them could say anything, Piper opened her mouth to say something again. "But I don't think_ _ **my Alex**_ _would be too happy about that."_

 _A million thoughts raced through Alex's mind, not even registering who Piper was talking about at first until she realized that_ _ **she**_ _was Piper's Alex. Her lips tugged up slightly into a smile, hoping that Piper couldn't see how that little gesture affected her._

 _"Y-your Alex?" The guy sounded surprised to say the least but at that time, Alex wasn't paying attention to him anymore. She was looking at Piper amusingly, waiting for what else she would say. She could feel her heart race so fast, in a beautiful and surprisingly unfamiliar way._

 _"Yeah."_

 _The guy then seemed to collect himself as he gave Piper a too-sweet of a smile. "Oh, it's all right," he said as he shrugged. "I just really had to try. He's a lucky guy," he added, sounding genuine._

 _Alex had to bite her cheek to stop herself from chuckling out loud and throwing a shade at him._

 _"Hm, yes," Piper nodded. Alex was almost sure she wouldn't correct the guy and just let him be, much to her disappointment. But again, Piper proved her_ _ **wrong**_ _. "But he's a_ _ **she**_ _."_

 _This finally made Alex look back up at the two, wanting to see the guy's reaction at Piper's admission._

 _That left the guy with his mouth left open before he could speak. "Your Alex is a girl?"_

 _"Yep," Piper nodded, her smile lighting up the whole place, looking too damn proud. "As a matter of fact, she's sitting right now, staring at you."_

 _That was the only time the guy seemed to have noticed Alex's presence. He then looked at her, unsure how to react. "Hi," Alex started, with a small wave. "I'm her, uh, Alex." Alex could see Piper's smile even widen she could almost see all her teeth._

 _"Yes, Alex," Piper said, addressing the guy. "Meet_ _ **Alex**_ _, my_ _ **girlfriend**_ _."_

 _Alex quickly averted her gaze to Piper, a look of surprise evident on her face at what the blonde just called her. But Piper just shrugged at her before looking back at the guy again. Alex didn't know what else happened, or what the guy or even Piper said after that. She didn't even see the guy leave. All that registered to her was that Piper called her_ _ **her girlfriend**_ _and how much she liked,_ _ **loved**_ _, the sound of it. When she did realize what was going on, though, she was left with Piper alone._

 _"Your girlfriend?" Alex asked with a smug look on her face, trying to mask her_ _ **giddiness**_ _at what just transpired._

 _Piper seemed to have finally realized what she just did as her face turned bright red. "I didn't mean it. I mean, it just came out. I don't really know what happened," she rambled, looking at everywhere but Alex._

 _"Oh?" Alex asked, her tone mocking, her lips tugged up in a smile, her eyes filled with hope._

 _"Yeah. Coz' that'd be really weird, you know?"_

 _"Totally weird." Alex grabbed the menu again, reading everything out loud. "You know, I think I might go for pancakes and bacon today, I mean, it's not like I haven't eaten them in a long while but—" She was suddenly cut off by Piper sitting just across her, as she stared at her knowingly. "Uhh, Pipes? Aren't you not allowed to sit while working?"_

 _"Alex?" Piper said softly, ignoring Alex's question._

 _"Yeah?" Alex was losing her control over what emotion she was showing Piper. Her smile was starting to get too wide, and the butterflies in her stomach were too much it felt like she had an entire zoo inside, coz she_ _ **thought**_ _she knew where this conversation was finally going._

 _"Will you be my girlfriend?"_

 _Alex laughed out loud as she put down the menu, looking straight at Piper's eyes. The shy look on Piper's face that made her look like such a cute little puppy made Alex's heart swell, and she could suddenly feel her overwhelming love for this woman grow exponentially stronger, something she never thought was still possible until now. "Yes," she then replied without even batting an eye, her answer already made even before Piper voiced out the question._

 _"Yes?!" Piper's face was a mix of surprise and relief and utter joy and Alex swore she could kiss her right there and then._

 _"Yes, you idiot."_

 _"She said, 'Yes!'" Piper exclaimed to everyone who was suddenly paying attention at them at the time, looking like a little child who just got what she wanted. She didn't even care anymore that she was supposed to be working right now and Red's probably gonna kill her if she saw her right now. All that mattered was that Alex was now_ _ **her girlfriend**_ _._

 _Alex could see smiles at some of the customer's faces but at the time, Alex didn't wanna pay any more attention to any of them. Instead, she stood up and sat next to Piper, her hands reaching for the blonde's face. She then kissed her passionately, hoping that it was enough to make Piper feel just how much she loved her. She then pulled away slightly, only to pepper Piper with small kisses again, realizing that she needed to say it out loud, not wanting to make any more of her past mistakes. "I love you, Pipes."_

 _"I love you, too, Al," answered Piper, pulling Alex closer to hers as she returned her kisses, her smile brighter than any smile she had ever had, all the while thinking at how good it felt to finally be able to call Alex_ _ **hers**_ _._

When Alex realized she's been smiling like an idiot for minutes now, she shook her head at how much she has fallen in love with the blonde. She really never thought she'd ever feel this way again but she was glad she did, because somehow, it was helping with her ability to ignore the still gnawing guilt in her chest about Diane and about Ashley. It was still there, Alex knew it always would, but at least now, she had Piper to think about, too. And she was more than thankful for that.

She then decided to call Nicky, not having anything else to do today, just like any other day she's had since she's come home.

"Oh, the giant is alive!" greeted Nicky through phone.

"And so is the midget," answered Alex back. "Hey, come over. I'm bored the fuck outta my mind."

"I would love to, but Lorna and I are meeting in about half an hour."

"Shit. What am I supposed to do now? I can't go bother Piper again, Red's so close to killing me."

"This is where I _again_ tell you about finally finding a job, you know. You can't just stay inside your house reading everything or act as Piper's driver when you're out. I know you're loaded, but at least have something else to do, other than you girlfriend."

"Ugh, I hate to admit this, but for once you're actually right," Alex huffed, knowing she really had to find something else to do eventually. It didn't even need to be something she had to do for money, at least just something to keep her busy whenever Piper wasn't around.

"You know I'm always right, Vause."

"Don't flatter yourself too much. Anyway, how about tonight? Don't tell me you'd still be with Lorna. Coz I'm pretty sure she has _someone else_ she needs to go home to." Alex did not want to rub it in Nicky's face but sooner or later, Nicky's gonna have to wake up and realize she couldn't be with Lorna, no matter how perfect the brunette was at her. They both knew Nicky was just setting herself up for something that had the potential of ruining her someday and Alex did not want that for her best friend.

"Uh, thank you for that. Also, and I say this in the nicest way possible, fuck you." Alex laughed at the other end of the line. "You're right, we don't have anything planned for tonight."

"So, you and me, then?"

"I said Lorna and I don't have any plans. But, I do."

"What? With whom?"

"With Piper. And you're not invited."

-o-o-o-

Alex was lying on her back, reading a book that Piper recommended when she heard her door open. Surely, she was supposed to be used to this by now, with Nicky and Piper going in and out of her house all the time, but she still couldn't help but flinch at the sound, almost dropping the book she was holding. She could feel her heart beat fast, and not in a good way, and was about to get up when Piper poked her head at her bedroom door. Alex suddenly let out the breath she didn't even realize she was holding out of relief.

The blonde must have noticed because her smile was suddenly gone from her face. "Oh, hey. Sorry. Did I scare you?" Piper said worriedly, as she approached Alex on her bed.

"No, I just— No, you didn't." Alex shook her head, not wanting to worry Piper. "I missed you," she then added, immediately changing the topic, not only because she didn't want to discuss what just happened, but also because she just suddenly realized how much she really did miss her girlfriend. "How'd it go with Nicky?"

Piper then climbed on the bed and as Alex was about to get up, she locked her hips with her legs before hovering over the raven-haired, her weight on her arms resting on both sides of Alex's face. "First of all, hi," Piper said as she smiled widely at her girlfriend, before pressing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Hi," Alex smiled into the kiss, pulling Piper towards her until Piper's full weight was on her body. She groaned at the sudden impact, causing the blonde to laugh wholeheartedly at her. "I think you just broke my ribs."

"I did, didn't I?" asked Piper, as she finally decided to just settle herself on top of Alex. "I'm sorry, baby." She then kissed the middle of Alex's chest bringing her lips upwards by leaving traces of little kisses on Alex's collarbones to her neck then to her jaw until their lips finally met. "You okay now?" Piper then asked, as she rested her head on Alex's shoulder, just the right place to be able to see her face and catch Alex's beautiful scent.

"Yeah, all better now," Alex replied with a chuckle before kissing the top of Piper's head. "So?" she asked again reminding Piper of her previous question, wanting to know all about her girlfriend's night out with her best friend.

"It was amazing!" Piper answered, her grin growing wider. She then started telling Alex about her day with Nicky, what they did, where they went, what they talked about. She didn't leave a single detail, knowing it pleased Alex that she was now getting along really well with her best friend. Piper was pleased as well, because she never really thought she and Nicky would ever be this close. She knew how uncomfortable Nicky was around her before, but now, everything was great and Piper could only be happy about it. "We really had a great time, Al. I think she loves me more than she loves you now."

Alex chuckled, genuinely happy that Nicky and Piper were finally in really good terms. Before, she really thought she'd have to deal with them not being comfortable around each other, especially Nicky. She didn't like the idea of the two most important people in her life not liking each other but now, their closeness was more than what Alex had always hoped for, and she was more than happy about it. "Meh. It's okay. As long as you still love me more than you love her."

"Hm," Piper said thoughtfully, causing Alex to drop her arm that was wrapped around her waist to the bed. This earned a soft chuckle from Piper as the blonde took Alex's arms back and wrapped it around her. Her hold of Alex also got tighter, wanting to feel as much of her girlfriend as possible. If she was being honest, this position, Alex as her _mattress_ was more comfortable than any other mattresses she had ever had. "You know I'd never love anyone more than I love you, you big baby."

Alex's face lit up at her girlfriend's words. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Piper said truthfully as she burrowed her face further in Alex's neck. "Hm, this is so comfortable," she added.

Alex jokingly sighed before saying, "To you maybe, but not to me. You're heavy as fuck," she said, wanting to get a rile out of Piper.

"You didn't!" said Piper, untangling herself from Alex as she looked at her with mock-hurt on her face.

Alex threw her head back laughing. "I was kidding, babe. Please come back to my arms?" she said too sweetly, extending her arms towards Piper.

Piper rolled her eyes, as she went back to her previous position. "So, how about you? How was your day?"

"Apart from being left alone by my girlfriend to spend the night with my best friend? Everything was great!" Alex answered jokingly. Her hand had by now crept into Piper's shirt, making soothing circles on the blonde's waist.

"Aww, baby. You know I didn't wanna leave you. But you also know that this was needed for Nicky and I to bond, right?"

"I do. And I was kidding. I'm actually really happy you spent today with Nicky. There's nothing better than seeing the two most important people in my life getting along," Alex said truthfully. But suddenly, she had gone quiet, being reminded of something that she'd never witness.

"Hey," Piper looked up at her, immediately sensing that something was troubling Alex. "What's wrong?"

""Nothing, I just..." Alex paused, her chest tightening. "I just wish you'd met my Mom. She would've loved you," she said quietly.

Piper suddenly felt as if someone stabbed her in the chest, knowing how difficult this must be for Alex. She knew how much she loved her Mom, and there were a lot of times when Piper wished that she'd met Diane. She would have probably made her feel what it felt like to have a mother who loved you. "Oh, Alex," Piper said as she got off of Alex and sat beside her, wanting to look her straight in the eyes. "I know I would have loved her, too." She caressed Alex's face, and it hurt her seeing the pain in Alex's eyes.

Piper suddenly hated herself for not knowing what to say. She knew she should be comforting Alex with words right now. She should be telling her the things that Diane would be saying to Alex right now if she was still alive. But she did not know what those things were. Because all she knew was what her own mother used to tell her and those weren't the things that Alex would've wanted to hear right now.

"I miss her so much, Pipes," Alex said as her voice cracked. She decided to sit against her bed's headboard, Piper sitting beside her afterwards as she enveloped her hand with hers. "If only I had spent more time with her. If only I had told her more how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything she'd done for me."

"I'm sure she knew all that, Al. I know she knew how much you loved her. Stop beating yourself up over it, okay? You were a goddamned good daughter and I know your Mom is looking down on you right now, so proud of the person you've become."

Alex laughed at this but it was so hollow that it almost crushed Piper. "I don't think she'd be proud that her daughter is a fucked up former drug smuggler and the fucking reason hundreds or maybe even thousands of people had died." Alex shook her head, feeling her throat close up as tears started to build in her eyes.

"Al, that's not true," Piper shifted her body so she was now facing Alex. The raven-haired had her head down and she refused to look at Piper so the blonde brought her hands to Alex's face, guiding it to look at her. "Please look at me." When Alex did, Piper felt her heart shatter as she once again saw the broken Alex she thought was already gone. Her eyes were so full of pain and Piper was suddenly afraid that Alex would start retreating from her again. "It's not your fault. Those people, it was their own choice to do that to themselves. You didn't force them to take the drugs, you didn't shove those things into their systems." Piper then pressed her forehead against Alex's. "Baby, it's not your fault."

"How about Fahri's death? Ashley's death. I'm the whole fucking reason they're both dead."

"No," Piper kept shaking her head, feeling Alex slowly pulling herself from her again. "No, you're not. Al, you didn't pull the trigger on both times. All you did was care for them and love them. Last time I checked those are things that you should be proud of." Piper didn't realize she was already crying until she felt something wet streaming down her face, feeling terribly sorry that she didn't know how to make things better for the woman she loved so much. "Please stop blaming yourself. None of it was your fault, Al."

Alex had to shut her eyes to keep her own tears from flowing, trying to keep her sanity despite the pain of losing her mom, the guilt about Fahri and Ashley's death, the hurt that was radiating off of Piper, all at the same time crashing at her. So as hard as it was, she forced those feelings deep, deep down again, hoping they wouldn't come back out anytime soon, as she nodded her head. "I'm sorry. Please stop crying. I'm sorry." Alex kept apologizing as she kissed Piper all over her face. She wiped the tears that were quickly falling from her girlfriend's eyes, hoping that as she wiped them away, the pain would go with them, too. "I'm sorry."

Piper then kissed Alex, so softly but yet full of emotions. Here they were, both broken and wounded, and yet Piper felt as if they fit so perfectly together. She didn't know _how_ it happened, or _when_ it started, but she felt so connected to Alex. Alex's happiness had become Piper's, and all her wounds had made Piper bled. Alex's pain was also Piper's and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing because they were able to _share_ the pain, or if it was _bad_ because it meant they also felt them _twice as much_. What Piper was sure of, though, was the fact that whatever this meant for her and Alex, she was ready to take all of it with open arms, even if she died doing so.

"I love you so much, Al. You know I'm just here, right?"

Alex just nodded, knowing no words would ever tell Piper how much it meant for her that she said that, knowing Piper was going through so much, too. Alex _hated_ it because Piper did not _deserve_ any of this. And instead of helping her get through it, she was only adding to the blonde's burden.

But she was too _weak_ to let go. She was too _coward_ to leave Piper and let her live her life. She was too damn _scared_ to go through all of this alone again that she was willing to pull Piper into the mess of a life she had created for herself. She _needed_ Piper. And she needed her _badly_.

"I love you, too, Pipes. Please don't ever leave me," Alex pleaded like a child, unsure how a night that was supposedly a great night for her and her girlfriend, turned into this. But it already happened, and she didn't know how else to stop it. "It'll _kill_ me if you do."

Piper felt her heart shatter into a million pieces, realizing how all of Alex's loss had made her carry the fear of always being left behind. But Piper wasn't going to do that. She was all in and there was no way she was taking anything back. "Alex, I won't ever leave you. I promise."

And that's how Piper and Alex spent the night, muttering whispers of how much they loved each other, silent pleas for the other to stay no matter what, beautiful promises that they wouldn't let anything pull them apart.

It was _them_ from now on. They were no longer two individual persons. Their pains and wounds have bound them into _one_. Their love had sealed the bubble they had chosen to wrap themselves with.

They weren't Alex _or_ Piper anymore.

They have become Alex _and_ Piper.

And _nothing_ , not even _death_ , could ever change that.

 _Ever_.

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **izzielg,** Yes, they are. And you're right about them having a long road ahead of them and that's what I'm gonna have to dive into in the future chapters so hopefully you'll stick with me and this story for a while. Thank you! =)

 **pitterpat87,** I'm so relieved that Piper's story wasn't confusing to you. I was a bit unsure about it but seeing your review gave me so much assurance, so thank you very much! And fab review as well, I love it! =)

 **moanzs,** Thank you for that review! It gave me so much more confidence about the previous chapter. I'm glad you loved the way I did it and yes, you're right. They still have a lot of things to talk about, about themselves as a couple and as individuals. Again, thank you! =)

 **valevauseman,** Thank you! I was a little scared to post that chapter but seeing your reactions, I'm glad I did. And you're an amazing writer, too! Thank you for that RS update, I've been waiting for it. =)

 **vausegasm,** Girl, I don't even know how to reply to your review anymore. I just want to pull you and hug you to show my gratitude! Your reviews always make me smile and most of the time, laugh, You're really funny and sweet and I love how much my story affects you. Thank you, it's really heartwarming =) You're so awesome! Love you! =))

 **VauseSearch,** I hope you've read Chapter 9. Thank you for your review on Chapter 8 =)

 **Guest (best chapter),** I didn't think anyone would ever consider this as the best chapter, but I'm really happy you think so. Thank you very much! =)

 **elliellie1,** Awww thank you for the brownie points! Haha. And thank you for your review, it's very much appreciated. =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** I hope you were satisfied with Piper's story. Here's a new chapter for you =)

 **Phantomjazz,** I'm glad you did. Thank you! =)

 **VonZeppy,** Thank you! I'm happy you don't think Piper and Alex in my story are too OOC. Your review is amazing, I can't thank you enough. And yes, long live vauseman indeed! =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you so much! I'm so happy you think so. =)

 **sara lance,** I love angst! And I'm glad you do, too! Haha. Yeah, well we all know that it's the perfect way to describe Vauseman so I had to grab the opportunity to use it. Thanks again for still leaving reviews even if we're already talking through PM =)

 **TinyGuitarist,** That's a really nice thing for you to say, thank you very much! =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Yes! But I have to warn you, all is not yet well. Haha! You're welcome by the way, And thank you, too! For the review. I love it! =)

 **Al,** I'm glad the previous chapter made you happy! Hope you stick with this story whatever happens. Thank you for your review. =)

 **IloveSweden,** Aww, your review is too nice! Thank you very much! I'm glad you feel so strongly about this story and thank you for letting me know. You're awesome =)

 **Marijn,** Hi again! I'm sorry, uhm about your question, you can read my comment below you so you can understand me a bit. Haha! But thank you so much for your review coz it's helping me believe in myself just a little bit more. I don't really know how many chapters are still left but I do know there are still a lot that I'm planning to do with this story so there. Haha. I'm glad that you're loving this as much as you loved HLWILY that really means a lot to me. Thank you again! And looking forward to talking to you more through PM =)

 **huggerguest,** I'm glad you think so! I'm sorry, I can be a bit of a pessimist so it's hard for me to compliment myself a lot. Haha. But thank you for that compliment, sure as hell made me blush. =)

 **orange621,** Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, there are still more to come. =)

 **SheriLovey,** OMG thank you! Your review was so amazing. I'm glad this story is making you feel that way. =)


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:**

I think I got too carried away with this chapter as it's my longest one so far. I hope that's okay. =) Anyway, shit's about to get real from this chapter on. You've been warned.

Still just a simple fan fiction writer who does not own any characters from the great series that is Orange Is The New Black.

 **11**

 _"I looked out for you the entire time I've known you, Vause. I always had your back. And yet you led me to my end." Fahri's voice sounded so far and yet so fucking close. Alex did not know where it was coming from and she couldn't see where Fahri was. But she knew it was him. She would never mistaken that voice with anyone else._

 _He kept repeating his words, and Alex wanted nothing but to drown out his voice. But she didn't know how and so she kept hearing them. Over and over again._

 _"You should've just left me alone. You didn't have to drag me with you. I didn't ask for any of it. But you were selfish enough to keep everything from me and now I'm gone. You don't deserve to be happy, Alex. Not when you're the reason I can no longer feel that way."_

 _Ashley. It was her. She was now speaking the same time as Fahri. And yet Alex could hear every word so clearly. She could hear her pain, her disgust. Ashley blamed her. And she was letting her know that._

 _Alex was starting to run away now because the voices were making her crazy. She wanted to get away from them as fast as she could but everywhere she went, she could still hear those voices just as clearly. She was starting to get frantic, beads of sweat forming on her forehead, her heart racing, her eyes stinging. She wanted it to stop. But the voices only kept getting louder and louder, as if they were closing in on her._

 _She then started crying. She didn't want to but she couldn't stop the tears, like she was meant to cry. She could feel her limbs moving but she knew she was still glued to her spot. But then, she suddenly felt warmth wrapped around her, as if someone was hugging her. But she could see no one. She tried moving but she couldn't. Something was holding her, someone was._

 _"Alex," said another voice, and that's when Alex stopped trying to move. That's when she stopped fighting. Because that voice... it was the voice she'd been wanting to hear for so long now. It was the only voice that could calm her at times like this. It was the voice she'd missed so damn much._

 _"Mom..." Alex finally found her voice for the first time since she heard Fahri and she didn't even recognize it. It didn't sound like her at all. She sounded child-like, she sounded scared, she sounded weak. "Mom..." Alex was now pleading for her mom to say something again, afraid that Fahri and Ashley's voices were going to drown out her mom's. "Shut up!" Alex now yelled, frustration building inside her as she constantly listened to those other two over and over again. She wanted to hear her mother's voice, she needed to._

 _"Alex..." Diane's voice was there again, but unlike Fahri and Ashley's, hers got softer Alex could barely hear it. "Alex, I need you..."_

 _Alex felt like everything froze because it was the last thing she thought she'd hear her mom say. She thought she was gonna tell her that everything was okay, that everything was going to get better, just like she always did whenever Alex felt like everything and everyone was conspiring against her. But her mom's voice was begging. And it tore Alex into pieces._

 _"I need you." Diane._

 _"I looked out for you the entire time I've known you, Vause. I always had your back. And yet you led me to my end." Fahri._

 _"I need you." Diane._

 _"Stop." Alex._

 _"You should've just left me alone. You didn't have to drag me with you. I didn't ask for any of it. But you were selfish enough to keep everything from me and now I'm gone. You don't deserve to be happy, Alex. Not when you're the reason I can no longer feel that way." Ashley._

 _"Stop! Please. I'm sorry. Please stop." Alex._

 _"It's your fault." And as if their voices weren't torture enough, Alex was now looking into their faces, and she felt her chest tightening._

 _Fahri was regretful._

 _Ashley was mad._

 _And her mom._

 _Her mom was disappointed._

 _"No," Alex whispered. They were slowly going farther away from her, but their voices were coming closer. "No... Mom. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Please come back. Mom!"_

 _"It was all your fault."_

"No... No... NO!" Alex's breathing was heavy as she jolted awake, abruptly sitting up. She could feel beads of sweat trickle down her face as she tried to bring back her breathing to normal. She was panting so hard as if she had been running. Alex realized that she had been crying as she frantically ran her fingers through her hair, the memory of her nightmare suddenly coming back to her.

"Piper..." Alex whispered to herself. It was the first time in weeks that she did not sleep beside her, which probably explained why she had the nightmare again after weeks of not having them anymore. It was frightening how she seemed t be depending on Piper to be able to live her life as _normal_ as she could.

Her first instinct told her to call her girlfriend. She knew that Piper was the only one who could calm her down right now, she was the only person who could make her feel _better_. But then she also realized that she didn't want to disturb her right now and it would be unfair to wake her when she knew that the blonde had been tired from work. So instead, she decided to call Nicky.

Nicky picked up her phone after Alex's third attempt to call her. "What the fuck, Vause?! It's almost three o'clock in the fucking morning. What the hell are you still doing up?"

Alex could hear the irritation on her best friend's voice but she didn't care. She could still feel herself shaking and she needed everything she was feeling right now to go away. "Wanna go get a drink?" She tried to sound as normal as possible, trying so hard to keep her voice from shaking.

 _"It's your fault..."_ Alex could still clearly hear their voices and she held on to her phone so tightly so Nicky's voice could drown those out instead.

"What?" Nicky sounded as if Alex just told her a terrible joke.

"Drinks. It's on me." Alex was talking fast now. She took a handful of her bed sheet, gripping it tightly just so her hand could do something else aside from _tremble_.

 _"It's all your fault."_

There was silence on the other end of the line and Alex thought she was going to go crazy. " _Fuck,"_ Alex whispered, unsuccessfully getting rid of the memory of her dream. "Nicky, please."

"What the hell is happening, Alex?" Nicky sounded worried now. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just really need to get a drink. Right fucking now." Alex swallowed hard to clear the lump that had now formed in her throat. "I can't sleep."

It took Nicky a while before she spoke again, obviously deciding on whether she should go or not. "Alex, I can't. I want to, I swear. But Lorna's here with me, and I can't just leave her."

"Oh."

"Are you sure that everything's okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Alex now got out of bed, searching for her clothes. She needed to get out of here... with Nicky or without. "I'm sorry I woke you up. I gotta go." Alex didn't even bother ending the call as she threw her phone on her bed before hurrying out of the door.

 _"It's your fault. It's all your fault. You don't deserve to be happy. It's all your fault."_

Alex went out of her house, ran towards her car, as those voices kept slowly sucking her breath out of her. She started driving and reached the closest bar from her house in almost five minutes. She drove as fast as she could, her hands gripping the steering wheel so tight it almost felt like the bones in her knuckles were breaking. Her whole body was shaking so badly, feeling as if she was suffocating and that every space was closing in on her.

When she got in, she immediately started drowning herself in alcohol, hoping that she'd immediately lose consciousness and forget everything that had just happened. Alex had never had a nightmare ever since things starting to get better for her and Piper. It was like Piper had served as her dream catcher, shielding her from those terrifying dreams, helping her get peaceful sleeps she's never had in as long as she could remember.

At one point in her life, Alex thought she would never have a normal life again. But _Piper_ came and she was the onewho had made every difference in her life. For the first time in a really long time, Alex allowed herself to be happy. She had finally let someone take care of her, make her feel like she _still_ deserved to be loved. Piper had done what every drunken night failed to do. Piper was able to make her _forget_.

But now the truth had finally caught up with Alex, reminding her that she didn't _deserve_ to be happy. That she should feel _guilty_ because those people who deserved happiness so much more than her, they were all gone. And it was because of her. Those were what the nightmares were for. They were constant reminders of all the fucked up things she's done, and of all the things she's not allowed to have. But because she was too damn busy being happy, she'd forgotten all of those.

Now, she was reminded of all of it _again_.And it _hurt_ like fucking crazy.

Only an hour later, Alex was blind drunk. But she still felt everything in every bit of her being. She hoped that the alcohol would numb the pain away, but it felt as if all it ever did was _magnify_ everything. All the _pain_ , and _guilt_ , and _regrets_ that would usually at least get forgotten were all still there, and Alex felt even worse. She was getting more and more agitated and she found it hard to breathe that she started walking hurriedly out of the bar.

When she reached the back of the bar, which was a little surprising since she swore the floor wobbled in every step she took, she held on to one of the railings trying to catch her breath. She suddenly felt anger rising in her chest, like she wanted to break everything she could get a hold of. So she did the closest thing she could and turned around until her right fist was smacked against the wall, and she did it over and over and over until it was bleeding profusely.

But she didn't stop. She wanted to keep going until she could feel the pain in her fist more than the pain in her chest, because that pain, it was eating her alive. And for the first time since she felt it, she was scared. She was so damn terrified that it would finally win against her. Honestly, she would have been okay by that before, but she had Piper now. And she needed to hold on for her. She _had to_.

When the pain in her fist had not overcome the pain she wanted to get rid of, Alex started crying until she was slumped down against the wall, her bleeding fist ignored and abandoned. Then it hit her. Those times when she was out with Piper and Nicky and Lorna, when they would take fun to the _next level_ , those little pills thatmade everything else _disappear_ , how it made everything _better_.

So without thinking of the consequences that would undoubtedly come with it, Alex stood up and started walking to her house, too drunk to even remember that she actually brought her car with her, all the while thinking of that _thing_ she swore to her life she would never use again.

She walked fast, her eyes and limbs almost giving up on her. But she kept going. She needed to get home as quickly as she could because she could feel how she was slowly losing herself to the swirling darkness in her head. She was panicking and she started walking even faster, a number of times crashing into something, and more often almost losing her balance.

Surprisingly, no matter how drunk she was, Alex reached her house in one piece. She then went to get the bag that contained _it_. She fumbled with the zipper and toppled the bag over until all its contents were lying on her floor, the syringe, the plastic spoon, the lighter, even the non-latex tourniquet.

But she chose to ignore _those_. Instead, she reached for the small plastic that contained the white powder that suddenly seemed as if it was _screaming_ at her. She held it in her hand so gently, afraid that it would fall out of her grasp. She noticed her hand shaking and she wasn't sure if it was still because of the nightmare she's had or if it was because of the cold that suddenly seemed to be taking over her body as a rush of adrenaline engulfed her.

With her trembling hands, she poured enough amount on the small flat surface she was now holding, fixing it into a thin straight line. She slowly backed up until her back was pressed against the side of her bed, her fingers on her free hand running through her hair. She stared at the thing on her hand, a thousand thoughts running through her mind.

 _"It's your fault."_

There's that voice again. And it's still as loud and clear as before, evidently mocking her.

But she could also remember the disappointed look on her mom's face.

And Piper. What would she think if she found out she let this win over her, that she _used_ because she couldn't take it anymore?

 _"It's all your fault."_

But the _heroin_ was now screaming loudly at her, egging her to just get it over and done with, one inhale and it was all over. One inhale and the pain would all _go away_.

Alex threw her head back and rested her head on her bed, her fuzzy mind stopping her from thinking clearly. She then closed her eyes, feeling dizzy, and cold, and scared all at the same time. But before she even knew it, she had lost her fight against her drowsiness and had fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep, unaware that the next few days, the battle would even become a lot more challenging and harder to _win_.

-o-o-o-

Piper was about to go inside Alex's house when she heard someone calling her name. She turned around and she saw Nicky running up to her, out of breath. "Nicky? What happened to you, are you okay?"

"Yeah," answered Nicky, putting her hands on her knees, as she tried to steady her breathing. "Uhm, Alex... Alex is not there."

"What? Where'd she go? She told me last night that she'd come pick me up at home and bring me to work," Piper said, confused. She looked at her watch and saw that it was almost eight o'clock. "Well, obviously that's not happening now."

"Yeah, about that. Something came up. I don't know what, but she had to leave early today and, uhm, deal... with it."

"What came up? Deal with what? Nicky, what's going on?"

"You don't need to worry. Everything's fine. She just really had to leave as soon as she could."

"Why'd she call you instead of me?"

"Hate to break it to you, but I think Vause loves me more than she loves you." Nicky tried to joke, feeling Piper's tension and worry, but Piper just glared at her. "I'm kidding. Didn't peg you as the jealous type, Chapman."

"Nicky, I'm serious. Where's Alex? Why didn't she even leave me a text or something? Is everything okay?" Piper asked anxiously, suddenly worried at Alex.

"There's really nothing to worry about. She just didn't wanna disturb you. She told me to tell you that she's sorry she couldn't pick you up and that she'd come see you later today."

Piper eyed Nicky suspiciously, still finding it hard to believe that nothing was wrong. But then she glanced at her watch and saw that she was almost running late so she had no choice but to believe Nicky for now. She's just gonna have to talk to Alex when she'd see her today.

"Go, you're late. You don't wanna hear Ma's rant this early in the morning, right?"

"Okay," Piper answered sceptically before turning on her feet to start walking towards Red's. "Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem," answered Nicky. She watched Piper leave and when she was sure the blonde wasn't coming back, she hurriedly ran inside Alex's place, her gut telling her that she did the right thing.

Nicky knew what was going on with her best friend. When she came back in town, she's noticed the change in her. She thought that maybe it was because of Diane's death. But then Alex told her the entire story and by then she knew just how fucked up Alex's life had become. She could see how what happened ruined Alex but thankfully, she had Piper. And Nicky could see how big of a help the blonde being in Alex's life was.

So when she received Alex's call last night, she chose to stay with Lorna instead because _maybe_ Alex was _okay_ and that she just really wanted to have a good time. Even though she knew something was _wrong_. Even though she knew her best friend more than she knew her own self and that she wouldn't call her in such an ungodly hour if she was _fine_.

Which was why as soon as she woke up, she decided to go to Alex's place before Piper could reach her, knowing that it would end badly if Alex did something last night that she'd hate for Piper to see. Fortunately, she caught Piper before she even got inside Alex's house.

She slowly went inside, not wanting to scare Alex. When she reached her room, the sight made Nicky's stomach lurch in a terrible way. Alex was slumped down on the floor, her head almost hanging from the bed. And beside her was the all too familiar paraphernalia needed when taking in heroin. Nicky _knew_. She occasionally used, too. And then there was the rolled up paper and the white powder on Alex's hand. She also noticed the dried up blood in her fist.

She immediately rushed to Alex and checked her pulse, her heart beating so fast, silently praying to a god she knew did not even exist that Alex was just sleeping. When she felt the sign of life, she let out the breath she'd been holding, her shoulder sagging out of relief. Suddenly, she felt anger bubble inside her. "Alex, wake the fuck up!" She nudged Alex, not even in the slightest bit gently. "Wake up!"

Alex started moving, the drugs falling out of her hand unintentionally. Her eyes slowly fluttered open, looking at Nicky with an annoyed look on her face. "What the fuck is your problem?" Alex spat at Nicky, her voice hoarse and thick of sleep.

"What's _my_ problem? Are you fucking kidding me right now? What the fuck is _this?!_ " Nicky couldn't stop the anger that she was now feeling. She didn't know what happened to Alex but she hated it that she was stupid enough to think that _drugs_ would make it all better.

She'd seen Alex when her mom died, and she was _terrible_. But she's never seen Alex like this, and Nicky _hated_ seeing her this way. Alex was one of the strongest people Nicky knew, from everything that had happened in her life. She was a _survivor_. But lately, that _Alex_ had been missing and all Nicky could see was the _vulnerable_ and _broken_ Alex she never thought she'd ever meet.

Alex had by now raised her head and looked at whatever Nicky was pointing at. That's when everything that happened last night came to her. And just like that, every single emotion she had been feeling that temporarily went away when she fell asleep was now back. Thankfully, her head was pounding too hard to pay much attention to those emotions. "I didn't use. Calm the fuck down." She rested her head back on the edge of the bed again, closing her eyes in the process.

"Calm down? Alex, if I didn't come here on time, it should've been Piper who would've seen you this way! What do you think she'd feel if she did, huh?"

At the mention of Piper's name, Alex almost jumped up, feeling herself finally fully awaken. "Fuck. Piper. Where is she? What did she say? What did you tell her?"

"Relax," answered Nicky, who had by now calmed down a little, anger mixed with worry still settling on her stomach. "I told her you had to go somewhere. I'm not sure if she believed me but just tell her anything later. Where the hell is your car by the way? And what the fuck happened to your hand?"

"Shit, I need to see her." Alex said frantically, ignoring Nicky's questions. She tried standing, only to feel the room spin until she fell back on her bed. "Fuck!"

"Looking like that? No, I don't think so, genius." Nicky started putting back the things on the floor inside the bag that rested beside them. She then showed it to Alex. "Where do you want me to put this?" Alex extended her arm towards Nicky, silently telling her to hand her the bag. "Alex."

"I'm not gonna use, Nicky. Just... give me." Nicky refused to move for a while, still thinking whether it was the right thing to do to give it back to Alex. "Nicky," Alex glared at her.

Nicky shook her head as she gave Alex the bag. She could see how tightly Alex held on to it and she was suddenly scared that she made the wrong decision handing it back to her. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit, Vause! Do you think I'm stupid?" Nicky sighed and waited for Alex to say something. When she didn't, she decided to use the one person she knew Alex could never say _no_ to. "Tell me what happened or I'll tell Piper to ask you, herself."

And with no other choice left, Alex started telling Nicky what happened.

-o-o-o-

Days passed by and Alex managed to keep what had been happening to her from Piper. She had a lot of questions, especially that first day after Alex's nightmares started happening again but Alex was able to answer them the way Piper wouldn't be worried. She felt guilty, lying to her. But she knew that if she told her, her girlfriend would just worry about her again and Alex didn't want that. This was her shit and she needed to deal with it alone. Things had been going so great between her and Piper and this, whatever's happening to her, would not be good for that.

But the alcohol wasn't enough anymore. Sure, it was able to knock her out every now and then but it was no longer helping with the nightmares. Especially at nights when Alex _couldn't_ drink because she didn't want Piper to be suspicious of what's going on with her. So she would only do it whenever Piper was at work, causing her to spend almost the entirety of a day blind drunk and unconscious in her bed.

Fortunately, Alex would barely have nightmares when she would spend the night with Piper. She's almost asked Piper to just stay with her every night, knowing that she was the only one that could keep Alex from having those terrible dreams. But then again, she knew that Piper also needed some space every now and then. So she decided against it, resorting to _other_ things during those nights that she had to spend alone.

Nicky had been a big help, too. She was always there when Alex needed her best friend to cover for her, especially when it came to Piper. Alex knew Nicky _hated_ doing this, that she _hated_ that she was helping Alex lie to Piper, and that instead of helping Alex deal with her problem the right way, she's helping her _run away_ from it.

But Nicky had no idea that Alex was _using_ , despite her promise to her that she wouldn't. And Alex wanted to keep it that way because if Nicky found out, she was surely going to tell it to Piper. And Alex wasn't ready to deal with that just yet. Nicky was okay when they would all take X just for _fun_ because she had _control_ over it. But she was against Alex's use of heroin when she was using for the sake of _running_ from her problems, which Alex thought was a little hypocrite because she was taking the _drugs_ either way, no matter what the reason really was.

So far, the _drugs_ were becoming so much more help than the alcohol, but Alex was running out of it. So she decided to meet with an old acquaintance she met through the cartel, knowing he would be able to hook her up with so much more.

Alex was too far gone to even think of the consequences. As far as she knew, the drugs weren't controlling her yet, and she wasn't going to be stupid enough to let that happen. So as long as she was still in control, she was going to let herself resort to it, because right now, it was the only _escape_ left for her to take.

-o-o-o-

Piper was just about to head back to the kitchen when she saw her favourite person enter the diner. Her face immediately lit up at the sight of her girlfriend walking up to her.

"Hi," Alex greeted her as she wrapped an arm around Piper's waist before giving her a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"Hi, what are you doing here?" Piper smiled up at Alex, a little surprised at the unannounced visit, as she rubbed her girlfriend's arm up and down. She then pulled Alex inside, towards the tiny locker room, to have a little privacy.

"Do I really need a reason to visit my girlfriend?" Alex had by now wrapped both her arms around Piper's waist, their centers gently pressed together as they stood face to face.

"Oh, come on," Piper brought a hand towards Alex's face, tucking strands of her hair behind her ear. "We both know you don't get that ass up and out of your bed when you don't have a reason to."

"And I do have a reason. I wanted to see you." Alex kissed Piper again, this time on her lips, and a lot less chaste. They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the warmth of each other's embrace and feel of each other's lips.

"And why did you wanna see me when we were just together a few hours ago?" Piper asked again when they managed to untangle themselves from each other.

Alex chuckled. "I can never hide anything from you, can't I?"

Piper gave her a wide smile, slightly shaking her head. "Nope. So?"

"I'm heading out of town. I have to meet an old friend," Alex answered briefly, avoiding to explain further.

"Old friend?" Piper's forehead creased, giving Alex a questioning look. "Do I know this friend?"

Alex smirked, knowing full well that _that look_ Piper just gave her meant _jealousy_. She noticed Piper's _possessiveness_ of her, just the right amount, and she never thought she would actually enjoy it. "No, you don't know _him_. And yes, he's a _he._ He just wants to talk about business." Alex could see worry flash across Piper's face. "It has nothing to do about the _cartel_ , Pipes," Alex immediately elaborated. Piper then looked relieved and guilt quickly settled on Alex's stomach. Because this meeting may not be about the _cartel_ , but that didn't mean it didn't involve _drugs_.

"When are you gonna be back?" Piper's hold on Alex got tighter, already missing her girlfriend even before she left. She buried her face on Alex's neck, loving the way her smell lingered on Piper's nose, hoping that it would last until she came back.

"As soon as we're done," Alex replied before kissing Piper at the top of her head. "I'm sure it's not gonna take me long." Alex really didn't wanna do this. But the nightmares were getting terrible and she just needed something to calm her nerves, something a lot _stronger_ than alcohol. She assured herself that she was going to be _fine_ , that she'd done this before and that she'd never really gotten _out of control_. It was somehow helping her with the guilt lying to Piper.

"Okay."

Alex could see hesitation in Piper's eyes. "What's wrong?"

Piper thought twice whether she should ask Alex what had been bothering her for a while now. But she decided to ask anyway because she was worried and she really needed to know. "Al, is everything okay?" she then blurted out and she could see the surprise in Alex's face.

"What? Of course, why would you ask that?"

"Nothing, I just..." Piper then shook her head. "Have you been sleeping lately?"

Alex raised an eyebrow and smirked at Piper. "Babe? Is that your not-so-subtle way of telling me I look like shit?"

Piper chuckled at this but it was immediately replaced by a look of worry. She's noticed a change in Alex these past few days but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. She did noticed how she always seemed so agitated and how she would jump at the slightest unannounced movement around her. "No. I mean, you'll tell me if something's bothering you, right?" She brought a hand towards Alex's face as she gently rubbed her jaw with her thumb.

Alex leaned into Piper's touch. "I will, Piper." She then enveloped both of Piper's hands with her own. "Everything's fine." She smiled and brought Piper's hands to her lips, kissing them gently. "Now, I gotta go. Call me when something comes up, okay? I'll be back as soon as I can." Alex wanted to get out of there as soon as she could, hating herself for having to lie to Piper.

"Okay, take care." Piper kissed Alex gently then pulled away, enough to be able to look her in the eye. "I love you."

Alex smiled and brought back her lips to Piper's. "I love you, too. Bye, babe."

"Let's go, I'll walk you out."

They both went out only to find Nicky flirting with one of the newly-arrived customers. She noticed them come out of the locker room and gave them a shit-eating grin, before walking towards them, completely ignoring the girl she was just talking to.

"What the hell were you two doing? Were you two fucking each other's brains out in there?" Nicky asked, a little too loudly.

Piper turned bright red, hiding behind Alex, as she noticed a number of customers looking at them. "None of your business, Nichols. And shut up, you're embarrassing my girlfriend." Alex answered sharply, rubbing Piper's back.

"You two are gross." Nicky commented as Alex and Piper gave each other a sweet glance.

"We're gross? Who was just flirting with another woman who isn't Lorna Morello?" retorted Alex back with a smirk, earning a laugh from Piper.

Nicky sucked in breath between her teeth, shaking her head because she didn't have anything to throw back at Alex. "Whatever. Weren't you just leaving? Would you just get out?" said Nicky, almost pushing Alex out of the diner.

Alex then left leaving Piper and Nicky alone. "So, what are you doing here?" asked Piper, as she cleaned out a table with Nicky beside her.

"Ma couldn't be here today so she asked me to manage the diner for a bit."

"And you think she'd be happy knowing you're..." Piper looked at her watch, "...almost three hours late?"

"She didn't tell me what time to arrive. Believe me, she'd be thankful that I showed up." Nicky watched Piper as the blonde grabbed the New York Times that the customer had left on the table. "So, where's Vause headed?"

"She said she was meeting a friend, some kind of a business meeting according to her."

Nicky suddenly turned serious, having a slight idea on what this _business_ Alex was talking about. She shook her head when Piper wasn't looking, worry for her best friend settling on her stomach. She actually debated about whether to tell Piper or not, because she knew that Alex would only listen to her. But she also didn't want to be the reason for any arguments between the two so far now, she decided on trusting Alex that she'd eventually figure out what the right thing to do was.

"When is she gonna be back? Did she tell you?" She waited for Piper to answer but the blonde's eyes were too transfixed on the paper which she now held with her other hand, the other one holding the plates she just gathered. "Earth to Chapman?" But she could see that Piper was now shaking, her eyes wide and watery. "Piper?" she brought up her hand to hold Piper on her shoulder, but Nicky almost jumped when Piper dropped the plates she was holding, sending them scattered and broken on their feet. "What the—"

But before Nicky could ask Piper what was going on, Piper was on her feet, running towards the door, too out of her mind to even bother looking back at Nicky who was now yelling her name.

"Piper!" Nicky tried to run after her but Piper was too fast and she couldn't leave the diner unattended. She ran back inside to tell Tricia to be in charge for a while but when she went back out, Piper was already out of her sight. "Shit!" Nicky ran her fingers through her hair, unsure what just happened. She then went back inside the diner again, thankful that Piper left the paper lying on the table. And then she saw it, the thing that surely made Piper scramble out of the diner.

It was the obituary. And the name **"Carol Chapman"** written on it.

And before Nicky even realized what she was doing, she was holding her phone, dialling Alex's number.

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Aww, I'm really happy that the previous chapter made you laugh! Thank you for a very detailed review, I live for these kinds of review. It really means a lot to me, so thank you again for taking the time to leave one. Have a great day, my dear! =)

 **Guest (one of my favourite fics),** It means so much to me that you said that because I know how many great fan fictions are out there! So thank you! =)

 **SeriouslyAwesome,** And omg I'm also seriously in love with your review! I'm glad that you thought it was hilarious. I barely make people laugh because it's easier to break people's hearts haha, I'm kidding. I'm not sure about the TayLaur fics, though. But I'm not closing my doors on that. Maybe in the future, when I'm done with Shattered. Thank you for your review! =)

 **Mamazingvauseman,** And mamazing review! Love you to bits! Thank you very much for that. =)

 **piccolover22,** Awww, thank you so much, I'm blushing! And you're also great! =)

 **orange621,** It was too rushed I really think I would've made it better. But I'm really happy that you still loved it! And you're welcome about the shout out, it's the least I can do because you are too awesome! =)

 **sherlynn813,** Thank you very much! And don't you worry my dear friend, I will keep the story coming. =)

 **vausegasm,** Okay, you know what, you, my friend, is now officially one of my favourite people in the world. Yes, the world. You know how big that place is. Haha! I don't even know how to reply to your review anymore so can I just give you one big hug and lots of kisses? XOXOXOXOOXXOXOXOX please don't hate me because of this chapter, though. And you have to get yourself ready for the next ones because I don't think you're still gonna love me for those. *wink wink* Thank you!

 **WB79,** Thank you so much! I'm not sure but are you on Wattpad, too? If that's where you read HLWILY then yeah, it's the same story. I posted it there first. Haha. That was a wonderful review! Thanks again and also thanks for following, you're awesome! =)

 **izzielg,** Wow, you're good! Drama is indeed coming, oh actually I think it has come? Haha. Here it is, enjoy! =)

 **awkwardlynormal13,** Thank you! I'm glad you still think it's one of sweetest despite it not being one of the best chapters. I really agree with that haha. And yeah! The "Will you be my girlfriend" scene in season three is also one of my favourites that's why I couldn't pass up the opportunity to use it here. I'm glad you didn't think I ruined it. Thank you for that review. It meant a lot. =)

 **FFChik,** I'm glad you thought that about the "my Alex" part. It's one of my favourites haha. And also happy that you enjoyed the previous chapter. Thank you, you're wonderful! =)

 **moanzs,** It really makes me happy that you're getting the way I want this story to be taken. Thank you, your review inspired me to write faster. So here's the new chapter and I hope you like it! =)

 **sara lance,** I could not agree more with your first sentence! Yeah, I thought I really needed to make up for the previous chapters, thank goodness I was able to do so according to you. Haha. You really are the sweetest thing, thank you! =)

 **SheriLovey,** Aww, no. You're amazing! I'm happy that you loved the "my Alex" part, I kinda liked it, too. Haha! Yep, Nicky and Piper getting along is one of the most important parts of this story, I believe. Thank you again for that review, it made me so happy. =)

 **huggerguest,** I'm glad you liked the flashback! Yes, I live for fluffy Vauseman, too. And about Nicky and Piper, sorry I didn't write their night out in detail. I'll try to do that in future chapters, but no promises, though. Sorry! And thank you for your review! =)

 **elliellie1,** Thank you! I'm glad you like Piper and Nicky's friendship here even though it hasn't been explored that much. I'll try to do that in future chapters, though. Thanks again and have an awesome day. =)

 **sweetlikevanillais,** Aww, I'm glad you did! Thank you very much =)

 **schillingarmy,** Thank you! But no, I did not double update. I don't know what happened but maybe you didn't notice the chapter 9 update? Haha. Aww, that sucks. I'm just about to start school again, too. Good luck to us. Have a great school year! =)


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:**

I'm not sure if this is as dark as the previous chapter (please tell me what you think) but it's a set up for the things that are gonna happen next chapter. Apologizing in advance for the 'final scene' in this chapter. =)

I don't like this chapter as much as the previous one but I still hope you'll love it. Haha. This is the longest one yet (almost at 7k words) but I think it's also because of the replies to your reviews. Anyway, have fun reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own and will never own Orange Is The New Black or any of its characters.

 **12**

" _Even if it's a lie, say it will be all right and I shall believe..."_

-o-o-o-

Alex's _meeting_ only took less than two hours and soon enough, she was driving back home. Every now and then, she would look at the seat beside her, making sure that _it_ was still there, that she really had it. Alex didn't know why but she suddenly found her hands shaking, itching to hold the bag again, just so it would never be out of her reach or sight.

Suddenly her phone started ringing again for the nth time today, and true to her guess, it was Nicky again. When her best friend started calling her about almost two hours ago, she figured she had found out from Piper where she was going and she was damn sure she was just going to stop her from doing _this_. So she chose to ignore her calls, despite knowing that she was gonna hear a handful when she came back home.

She was about to ignore the call again but she realized that Nicky wasn't going to stop calling her anyway so she just decided to answer her phone instead. She was just about to open her mouth to say something when Nicky started yelling profanities at her on the other end of the line.

"What the actual fuck, Alex?! I've been calling you for almost two fucking hours!"

Alex sighed, expecting this reaction from her best friend. "I'm sorry, I had my phone on silent," Alex lied. "What the hell are you so mad about? Miss me already?"

"Fuck off!" replied Nicky and Alex noted the anger laced in Nicky's voice. "It's Piper!"

Alex suddenly felt as if cold water had been poured all over her. Her mind started working, immediately going to the worst thoughts possible. "Piper? What happened? Is she okay?" Of all the times Nicky chose to keep quiet, she chose this moment and Alex was pissed. "Nicky! Where the fuck is Piper?!"

"I don't know," Nicky answered and she sounded so worried Alex felt as if she was gonna throw up. She was terrified, not knowing what on earth was happening to her girlfriend and was ultimately pissed at herself for ignoring Nicky's calls.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean, I don't know!" Nicky was yelling again. "Her... her mother died," she then said softly.

Alex's heart started racing fast as she absentmindedly stepped on the gas pedal, wanting to reach home as soon as she could. She was driving so fast now, not caring if she was going over the speed limit. "Fuck. How did you know?"

"She saw the obituary. And then she ran. I've been looking for her all over town but I can't find her. She's not answering any of my messages or any of my calls."

A feeling of dread, worry and fear settled on Alex's stomach as she ran her fingers over her hair. She knew she should've felt bad that this happened to Piper's mother, but with Piper's stories about her, Alex couldn't help but not care. All she cared about right now was Piper and how she was going to find her. "Fuck! Okay, thanks Nick. I'm gonna go find her. Please call me if you hear from her."

"Are you sure you're gonna answer this time?" Nicky said sarcastically, and Alex knew her best friend was pissed at her, too. "Where the fuck have you been anyway?"

Alex sighed, disgust over herself reigning in. "Not now, Nicky. I have to go."

She then put her phone down and started cursing at herself. How could she be so selfish? Here she was, happy to the point of being _ecstatic_ that she got _more drugs_ when her girlfriend was going through her mother's death _alone_. When she absentmindedly looked towards her right, she saw the bag containing the drugs and out of frustration at herself, she grabbed the bag and threw it at the back of her car. She then hit the steering wheel hard out of her anger at herself.

Classic Vause, fucking up once again.

She tried to dial Piper's number, hoping that she'd pick up if she'd see that _she_ was the one calling but four attempts had passed and Piper had not picked up. To say Alex was worried would be the understatement of the year. She was _terrified_ , not knowing where Piper was, where she could go, what she was doing. She kept driving but she really did not have any destination because she didn't know where to start looking for her girlfriend.

Then it suddenly dawned on her, that place where she would always see Piper at her happiest, that first place she had brought her to the first time they went out of town. Alex wasn't 100% sure if it was indeed the place Piper would go to but she had to start somewhere. So she steered her car towards that place and hoped to whoever was up there, if there indeed was, that Piper indeed chose to go there.

Alex reached her destination in less than 15 minutes. True enough, she saw Piper sitting near the lake, holding a bottle of what looked like a beer. But it was obviously not her first one, with the number of bottles lying around her. Relief washed through Alex before the sight of her girlfriend truly hit her. She had her legs folded, her chin tucked on her knees, and her arms wrapped around them. She looked like the Piper Alex first met, that scared girl who always chose to distance herself from everyone if only that meant she would never have to be _close enough_ to get hurt. But somehow, this person that Alex was seeing looked so much _worse_.

Alex slowly approached her girlfriend, not wanting to startle her. She then sat beside her silently, as she tucked her legs under her. Piper wasn't even surprised. She just looked at Alex for a split second before going back to staring straight ahead. But this didn't stop Alex from noticing her red, swollen eyes, and Alex felt her heart break into a million little places. Without saying another word, Alex shuffled herself closer to the blonde, wrapped one arm around her waist, burying her face between Piper's neck and shoulder.

Piper did not attempt to move. Instead, she spoke in her quiet voice thick with tears, "I'm sorry. I know this is _your_ place. But I had nowhere else to go." The blonde was obviously drunk, judging by the way she slurred her words.

Alex then raised her head to look at her girlfriend. "Pipes, this is _your_ place now, too. You don't need to apologize." Piper did not say anything else and it broke Alex's heart to see her like this. When Piper looked at her, there was nothing in her eyes. They were so blank that it scared Alex she would never see _anything_ in those beautiful blue eyes again. "I'm sorry, Piper. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you... when you f-found out."

Piper shook her head. "It's okay. You're here now." This time, it was Piper who moved closer to Alex. She then laid her head on Alex's shoulder, the warmth of Alex helping her calm down for the first time in two hours. Piper suddenly wished she should've drunk _more_. She didn't want to be sober enough to feel _anything_ right now. But fucking hell if the world was gonna be _good_ to her today.

Alex rubbed Piper's arm up and down. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Alex knew what it felt like to lose a mother, as it was undoubtedly the worst time of her life. But she didn't know how this felt like for Piper considering her relationship with her own mother, and Alex honestly did not know what to say.

Surprisingly, Piper spoke up. "Alex, I hadn't seen her in years. It's been so long I don't even remember how long _exactly_ it's been anymore. And those last few years, I spent them _hating_ her." Piper then disentangled herself from Alex, bringing the bottle of beer to her lips.

"Hey, I think you've had enough," Alex said gently as she pried the bottle out of Piper's hand.

Piper just let Alex take the beer from her, before fixing her gaze on her feet. "And now..." she continued, "...and now she's _gone_. She's gone and she's still able to make me feel like _shit_." She balled her hand into a fist Alex could see the veins on her knuckles.

"Baby..." Alex knew there were no words that could ever make Piper feel better so she pulled her into her arms again and let her body do what words could never do for her.

"Al, I'm _supposed_ to hate her." Piper started crying again, something she swore she'd never do again after the first 30 minutes she spent pouring tears over her mother. She didn't _want_ to cry for her. She thought that after everything she's done, or _hasn't_ done, she didn't deserve grief from Piper. But with Alex's arms wrapped around her, she finally let herself feel the vulnerability she'd been fighting ever since she read her mother's name on the obituary. Crying just screamed _weakness_ but fighting it just seemed to be sucking every ounce of energy left in Piper's body and she was goddamned exhausted. So now that Alex was here, _maybe_ she could just let her be the strong one for her. "I'm not supposed to give a crap anymore. But why do I feel like this? Why does it still _hurt_ so fucking much?"

"Pipes, babe, look at me." Alex brought her hands towards Piper's face, guiding it towards her so she can look her in the eye. "Do you wanna know one of the things that I really love about you? It's your ability to love in spite of _everything_ this world has put you through. So you don't need to beat yourself up over this, okay? It's all right to get hurt. It comes with the package. It's okay, Piper. It's okay to let go."

And so Piper spent the next moment crying on Alex's shoulder, literally. She cried not only for her mother's death, but for the years she chose not to cry over every pain that she's had because of her. She cried for the days she hoped that her mother would eventually learn to love her. And she cried for the end of that hope, now that Carol Chapman was gone for good, Piper's chance of ever experiencing that love dying with her.

All the while, Alex wrapped Piper in her arms, running soothing circles on her back, kissing the top of her head every now and then. She let her actions speak for her, letting Piper know that she was there for her. And Alex had no plans of leaving no matter what would happen, no matter how _fucked up_ she was, too, at the moment. Right now, Piper needed her and it was _all of her_ she would give, even if that meant setting aside her own shitty problems for a while.

And at that moment, while Piper was sobbing on Alex's shoulder, with Alex's arm wrapped around her, Alex realized just how much more she'd fallen in love with her girlfriend. She realized how she'd go to all ends of the world just to be able to protect her, to stop anyone from coming even just remotely close to hurting her. Alex was far from perfect, she was aware of that. She was fucking _damaged_ , and probably for good, but she loved Piper way too much to let anything get in the way of that.

After what felt like hours of letting it all go, Piper finally stopped. She wiped the tears that had now settled on her cheeks before brushing her hair with her fingers. She stayed in Alex's arms for a while, knowing that it was the only place she wanted to be in right now. But she also knew that they needed to get back, so she lifted her head slightly without having to move her entire body away from her girlfriend. "Alex?"

"Yeah?" Alex asked, looking at her.

Piper looked back at her and softly said, "Take me home."

Alex then nodded. "Okay babe." Alex kissed the top of Piper's head and whispered to her, "I love you." Piper just nodded and Alex helped Piper get up. They walked quietly towards her car, and for one brief moment, Alex was relieved that she had thrown the bag that contained the drugs at the back of her car. Piper was dealing with too much right now and if she saw that, she knew it would only add up to her problems.

Soon enough, they were driving back home, Piper looking out the car's window the whole time not saying a word to Alex. Alex debated with herself on whether she should respect Piper's need for silence or talk to her to divert her attention to something else. But then she realized that there was one question that needed to be asked so she took Piper's hand until the blonde's attention was already on her. "Are you... are you going to see her?"

"No," Piper immediately answered. "It wouldn't change anything anyway."

"What about your brother, Cal?"

"If he's still with them, I'm pretty sure he can do it on his own. It's not like I just left yesterday. I've been gone from their lives for so many years, I practically died before my mother in their eyes. Although my gut tells me that he's left them, too. No one in his right mind would be able to stomach staying with our parents for so long," Piper said, her face blank with emotions.

"Okay," Alex nodded, taking Piper's hand and squeezing it gently. "Everything's going to be okay, babe," she then added. She hoped Piper believed her, even if Alex couldn't even make herself believe the same thing for her.

And Piper did believe Alex. She wasn't really sure how everything was going to be okay. She felt as if her mother's death had taken a piece of her, like she's always going to feel _hollow_ for the rest of her life. But somehow, Alex was able to convince her that everything would eventually fall on their right places. And she knew that the only reason she believed that was that because _Alex said so_.

Piper then looked down at their entwined hands before looking at Alex who now had her eyes on the road ahead of them. "Thanks, Al."

Alex glanced at her quickly, guilt again settling on her stomach. She had _barely_ done anything. If there's something she's done today, it's _failing_ as a girlfriend. She wasn't there when Piper needed her the most. She couldn't say anything that Piper needed to hear. She didn't know what to do. And yet, here Piper was, thanking her. "I didn't even do anything," Alex said, pretending to focus on the road when in truth she just really couldn't look Piper in the eye.

"You did," Piper assured her, lightly rubbing Alex's hand enveloped on her own with her thumb. _"You found me."_ Piper looked at Alex, wishing she'd look back at her but her eyes were still transfixed on the road. "Thank you."

Alex forced herself to smile, bringing Piper's hand to her lips, and kissing it gently. "I love you. You know that, right?" she suddenly said, not only because she wanted to remind Piper, but also because she wanted to assure herself that Piper knew... that no matter how shitty life had or would become for both of them, there's that _constant_ thing that would never go away. Alex _loved_ Piper. She _had_ to remind herself that her girlfriend knew that.

"I know," And for the first time since she found out her mother had passed away, Piper smiled. Although it was barely there, it was still genuine. "And I love you, too." She then shuffled closer to Alex, pressing a soft kiss on her girlfriend's shoulder. "You're the only one I have left, Al. Promise me you won't go anywhere." Piper still had her head on Alex's shoulder, feeling her chest tighten again.

Alex kissed the top of Piper's head. "I'm not going anywhere, Pipes."

They stayed like that for a while until Piper pulled away, leaving Alex to be able to drive properly. "Can you drop me off at Red's?"

"What? Why?"

"I have to go back to work. I left without saying anything..." Piper said, just realizing how Nicky must be feeling right now. She was probably so pissed at her for leaving abruptly and so she had to go back and explain what just happened.

"Piper, you're not even entirely sober."

"I'm sober enough to work. I have to tell Nicky what happened."

"Pipes, you're not going back to work. Leave Nicky to me, I'm sure she understands."

"Alex..."

"Piper," Alex said with finality in her tone. "Please, just... stay home with me today, okay? Please? We'll get take out for lunch and just spend the day watching crappy films."

Piper then nodded sheepishly, "Okay. Yeah, I'd like that."

-o-o-o-

If there was one thing Piper knew she was _really_ good at, it was making herself believe that she was okay. That's why it did not come as a surprise when the next few days posed as a challenge to her. No matter how much she tried convincing herself that she was fine, that she wasn't affected by her mom's death, the pain she could feel in every fiber of her being kept telling her otherwise.

She spent those next few days quiet and withdrawn. She took days off from Red's, much to the older woman's relief, even telling her to take as many days off as she wanted, and just spent them at Alex's. She wanted to go back to her apartment but Alex wouldn't let her. Her girlfriend wanted to be there for her as much as she could, and Piper knew that she was still guilty for not having been there when she found out about her mother's death.

And she was thankful for that. Alex took care of her but Piper still felt the loss of her mom affect her in ways she never thought would still affect her. She knew it was crazy to think so, but somehow, it felt like a final _insult_ to her, that no matter how far she'd gone from her, her mother still mattered a lot. And for the first time in _years_ , she again felt the lack of _love_ from her own parents and how fucked up it had made her. She knew Alex was doing all she could to make her feel better, but at the moment, all she wanted was say nothing, do nothing, feel _nothing_.

One afternoon, Piper found herself in yet another same position in Alex's bed, curled up in a fetal position, with her back on the door, just staring blankly ahead. She suddenly felt the other side of the bed dip, signalling Alex joining her. Piper threw Alex a short glance without really moving her entire body and she saw her lie down beside her.

She felt Alex's arm on hers as she whispered to her ear, "Be my little spoon?"

Piper felt herself smile as she adjusted her position to fit in just right in front of Alex. Alex wrapped her arm around Piper, her hand resting gently on Piper's stomach, Piper settling her own hand on top of Alex's. They stayed like that for a while, not saying anything and Piper felt herself relax in the arms of her girlfriend.

Alex pulled Piper closer to hers, pressing her face at the back of her head so she could smell her favourite scent in the world. "Do you remember that first day we met?" she suddenly asked, lightly tracing her fingers on Piper's stomach.

Piper again smiled, this time at the memory of her first meeting with Alex, and how it was the exact opposite of being _romantic_. "How can I forget?"

Alex chuckled. "Yeah." Her mind also wandered back to how much of a mess they both were that day, realizing how much things had changed, but also remembering how everything seemed to becoming a lot crappier right now. "Do you wanna know what exactly I was doing there?"

"What?"

"I was waiting for Nicky. I was about to leave the country for good, sell the house here, say goodbye to her and Red, and then never come back again."

To say Piper was surprised would not explain enough how exactly she was feeling at the moment. This was the first time she was hearing about this. She just thought that Alex was back for a vacation and that if she ever decided to leave, she would've still come back. "What happened?" she asked nonchalantly, masking the uneasiness that had started to settle on her stomach. "I mean, I'm assuming you were planning to do all that in one day. But here you are."

"Here I am," Alex said softly, as if only reminding herself of _where_ she was and on _why_ she was really here. "Well, I met a certain klutzy blonde who has the habit of breaking things unintentionally."

Piper scoffed, still feeling the tightening of her chest at the _possibility_ that Alex still wanted to _leave_. "You want me to believe that you changed your mind about a decision you made that could have potentially changed your entire life just because you met me?"

"Who said I meant you?" Piper lightly slapped Alex on her arm making Alex chuckle softly. She then kissed Piper's nape before proceeding. "No, I mean, I didn't really change my mind altogether, you know. It's just... there was something in you that made me want to stay just for a little while longer."

"Yeah? What's that?" Piper asked but her mind wasn't really into it. All she could think right now was the fact that Alex could leave town. _Alex could leave her._

"At first, I thought it was your _eyes_. But now I realize it's actually what I _saw_ in them. It's the fact that you have a _good soul_ , Pipes. You have a _beautiful soul_ and I love you so much for it," Alex said with so much sincerity in her tone, her love for Piper radiating off her body.

At this, Piper finally let the tears that she had been fighting for so many days now, flow. She'd been so withdrawn from Alex these past few days that she'd almost forgotten how much this woman loved her. And she shouldn't be asking for anything else, Alex should be _enough._ Her mother was gone. She never loved her and now she never would. It was Alex who was here, and it was her who had loved Piper more than she's ever been loved. If she could not pull her shit together for herself, then she should do it for her.

"I know that things are shitty right now, but everything is gonna get better," Alex continued, her voice so soothing. "I will do everything I can to make that happen for you. Because it's what you deserve."

Piper then decided to face Alex, her eyes still misty and wet with tears. She looked at Alex with wonder and so much love and admiration, "Why are you so good to me?"

Alex chuckled softly, "Why is that even a question?

Piper smiled then slowly brought Alex's face to hers as she pressed a soft kiss on her lips. "Are you still planning on leaving?" she suddenly asked, the thought of Alex leaving the country without her clamped on her heart like a fist.

"What?" Alex asked, a little confused by the question. "What do you mean?"

"Earlier, you said, you were planning on leaving the country for good. And that meeting me only made you want to stay a little longer. You didn't... you didn't say you were staying _for good_." Piper's heart ached but she had to know.

"I know. But I also did say that I love you, right?" Piper stayed motionless, still waiting for Alex to say what she wanted, _needed_ , to hear. "I'm not going anywhere without you, Piper, not for too long anyway. You're stuck with me, you know?" she smiled at Piper, hoping it was enough to remove the doubt that was visible on Piper's eyes.

"You mean that?" Piper silently asked, a smile slowly forming on her lips.

"I do. I'm staying wherever you are."

It was then that Piper decided to smile fully. "I love you."

Alex smiled back, happy that she'd finally seen Piper smile genuinely again for the first time in days. It's one of the things she's been missing the most and now she had it again. "I love you, too."

-o-o-o-

To say that those next few days were a challenge to Alex would be an understatement. Most of the time, Piper's too withdrawn that she could barely talk to her. She understood her, of course, but it hurt her to see her girlfriend this way and to know that she couldn't do anything about it. She hated it and made her feel useless. If only she knew what to do.

But it was also the fact that she'd been so agitated and anxious those past few days. Piper's been sleeping with her every night since her mother died but Alex still hasn't had one single night of decent sleep since then. Alex knew what was going on, but she refused to acknowledge it. More like she didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be.

Alex tried to ignore it, she really did. Piper needed her more than she's ever needed her before and she should only be the one she was paying attention to but she just couldn't fight it anymore. All her muscles were aching and she's been sweating a lot, something Piper didn't fail to notice.

"Is everything okay?" Piper asked. They were both sprawled on Alex's couch, watching anything they'd think would be interesting enough to watch. "Are you sick? You seem—" Piper was about to feel Alex's temperature when Alex immediately stood, as if she was afraid to be touched. "Hey, what's going on?" Piper was now worried. She tried to get close to Alex but her girlfriend just took a step back from her.

"Everything's fine," Alex said, wiping her hands on her jeans. "I just remembered... I need to go, uh, see Nicky. Will you be okay to stay here for a while? I'll be fast," Alex was talking fast and she kept fumbling with the hem of her shirt.

"Are you sure you're o—"

"I'm okay Piper." Alex cut her off again as she started walking towards the door. "I'm okay. I'll see you later."

-o-o-o-

Nicky was just about to head out when she heard a loud knock on her door. She half-ran towards it, afraid that if she didn't reach it on time, the person on the other side would tear her door down. "Are you trying to break my damn door?" Nicky said as she opened the door to Alex who immediately went inside, not waiting to be invited in. Nicky waited for her to say something but she just sat on her couch, her eyes unfocused and her hands shaking. "What the fuck's going on?"

"Nothing. Can I, uh, stay here for a while?" Alex said only sparing Nicky a short glance before darting her eyes around. Her hands had once again found the hem of her shirt and held on to it for dear life, closing in on them tightly with the hope that it would stop them from shaking too damn much.

Nicky walked towards Alex apprehensively. "Why are you shaking? And why the fuck are you sweating as if you've been running miles?"

"It's nothing Nicky. I just really wanted to hang out for a while," Alex answered, this time not bothering to look at her best friend. She knew she had to have a _better_ excuse on why she was here. But her mind wouldn't function _properly_. Every time she tried to use it, all it would focus on was that one thing she hasn't had in over a week, and it was making her crazy. She was _too_ anxious, _too_ agitated, _too_ everything, and she knew it was only a matter of time before she'd totally lose it.

Nicky observed Alex quietly, looking for all signs to prove that what she was thinking was _right_. She fervently hoped that she was wrong, but Alex showed every _symptom_. And Nicky felt as if she had been hardly kicked in her gut when she realized that. "When was the last time you used?"

"What?" Alex immediately stared at her looking bewildered.

"Don't make me say it again, Vause. You've been using." Nicky frantically ran her fingers through her hair, as she couldn't help but feel _responsible_ for this. She handed the drugs back to Alex. She let her _lie_ to Piper. She _covered_ for her. "And don't you dare deny it to me. Because fuck, if you're not suffering from withdrawal right now, I'd fucking sell my damn kidneys!"

Alex glared at Nicky. "I am not... suffering from _anything_."

"Then why the fuck are you here? Oh no, wait let me answer that for you. You're here because you don't want Piper to see you like this. You're here because you're fucking itching to _use_ again, but you can't because Piper's staying with you." Again, she waited for Alex to say something, to _deny_ what she just accused her of, but she stayed still, gritting her teeth. "Tell me I'm wrong."

Alex stayed like that for a while before standing up. "You know what," she then looked at Nicky, anger evident in her eyes, "...fuck you!" She started walking towards the door, not bothering to look at Nicky again.

"Alex!" Nicky walked, _almost ran_ , after her then gripped her arm. "Alex, you need help."

" _Piper_ needs help."

"I know Alex. Believe me, I really do. I know that she's going through some shit right now and that you wanna be there for her. But how are you gonna do that when you can't even take care of yourself?" Nicky looked at Alex with pleading and worried eyes, desperately wanting to reach her. She's quickly isolating herself from everyone, even from _Piper_ , and it was starting to scare the shit out of Nicky because if there was one person that could pull Alex back to reality, it was Piper. But how could she do that when Alex wouldn't even let her in anymore? "If you don't want me to help you, then let her. Please."

"Nicky," Alex said sharply, looking as if she couldn't believe what her best friend just told her. "Piper's mother just _died_."

"More than a fucking week ago!"

"And my mom died more than two years ago. Do you think that makes it any less painful?!"

"No, it doesn't! And I'm not saying that. I just—" Nicky rubbed her face frantically, not knowing what else to tell her best friend. "I get it, okay? I get that you feel the need to take care of Piper, to protect her from every shitty thing in this world. But Piper _wants_ to do that for you, too."

"I don't _need_ to be taken care of! I am fucking fine!"

"No, you're not! And the fact that you can't even admit it to _me_ just proves that. Alex, I'm your best friend. You've _always_ told me _everything_. And you've never lied to me before this. But you've already lied about _using_ and now you're again lying about being _okay_."

"Shut up," Alex said in a dangerously calm voice, even shaking a lot more terribly than the first moment she came in here.

"Alex..."

"I said shut up!" Alex screamed in a voice Nicky couldn't even recognize anymore.

This wasn't the _Alex_ Nicky knew. This person in front of her was too far gone to want to listen to reasons, to think _rationally_. And it scared Nicky because she didn't know how she was gonna pull Alex _back_.

Alex was about to walk out the door when she decided to throw Nicky one last glance. "Don't you dare say anything to Piper. Because God help me, Nicky if you do, consider this friendship over."

And just like that, Alex was out of Nicky's sight, looking worse than she's ever seen her in her entire life.

-o-o-o-

When Alex got out of Nicky's house, she considered going somewhere else before going back to her place. She needed to calm herself first because she was too fucking mad at Nicky for thinking she knew what she needed. She was _okay._ It was Piper who wasn't and she was the only person who mattered right now.

And if there was one thing that could calm Alex right now, it was that thing that was safely hidden inside a secret space in her closet that she was sure Piper wasn't aware of. So she decided that she would go home, take it and just use a small amount.

Just to _calm_ herself.

Just a _small_ amount.

She arrived home a little later, finding Piper lying on her couch in a fetal position, her back on her. Alex debated whether to approach Piper or just go straight to her room but before she could even decide, Piper had sensed her presence.

"That was fast," the blonde said sitting up.

"Yeah, I just, uh, I needed to get something. Are you okay?"

Piper looked at her intently, and Alex didn't know why but she couldn't return her gaze. She was about to look away when Piper nodded. "Yeah. Are you?"

"I'm fine," Alex said as she walked towards her room hurriedly. She moved quickly, not sure if Piper would follow her inside or not. She then proceeded towards her _stash_ , but felt her heart race when she couldn't find the heroin in there. She frantically moved everything inside, hoping that she just misplaced it somewhere, _anywhere_ , in there but to no avail.

"Are you looking for this?"

Alex almost jumped up at the sound of Piper's voice behind her and she had to collect herself before she could slowly turn around, hoping that Piper wasn't holding what she was looking for. But as if the only luck associated with her today was the _bad_ one, she felt as if cold water was poured all over her as she looked at her girlfriend holding up the very thing Alex was looking for.

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Budda1127,** Thank you! And I'm so happy you reviewed! =) Here's another new update, hope you like it!

 **Guest (OMG I'm shocked),** Wow, thank you! You're amazing, too. And yes, I will keep writing thank you so much! =)

 **luveverythingtv,** I'm glad you liked the long chapter. Here's another long one, hope you like it!

 **piccolover22,** I'm glad you loved the previous chapter! Here's a new one haha. And thank you for your review! Keep'em coming =)

 **WB79,** I knew it! Haha. Thank you! And yes, it's just about to get even darker. And I'm really sorry for that. =)

 **PnkPnther,** I'm sorry that I had to let Alex have the drugs. It's important in this story *peace and love, man*

 **vausegasm,** Hahaha, you did it again, girl! Based on your review I'm assuming that the previous chapter got you emotional? Haha! I'm sorry that I had to do that to Vauseman (and especially Alex *?*) but again, what's life without a little drama? And *sigh* because you don't like me right now but I still like you very much because your reviews give me life! Thank you very much for that, it really helps me keep going. =) Keep being awesome and hope to hear/(read) from you soon!

 **sara lance,** Well fuck indeed haha! I'm sorry I had to do that to Piper and Alex (but I'm also not sorry because that's just how the story should go, right? Haha!) And you're right about having to brace yourself because more angst is coming! Again, sorry for the stress the previous chapter has caused you haha. And thank you for your review!

 **pitterpat87,** I'm glad you loved the tension! I think you're one of the very few people who had told me that. Haha. And also happy that I was able to surprise you with the ending. Thank you for that review, it was way too wonderful! =)

 **Phantomjazz,** Here's the new chapter, hope it didn't disappoint! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Wow, I loved your review! As usual, it was detailed and it's awesome! Thank you very much for that and here's another chapter. Enjoy! =)

 **FFChik,** I'm glad you found the obituary bit 'unexpected' =) It's good to know I can still surprise people. Haha. Thank you for another very detailed review, I love it! And yes, you're definitely right about them on "barely hanging on by a thread" so expect more drama in the future chapters! Thanks again and have an awesome day!

 **Marauder-Lu,** Hm, I think that Alex trusts Piper. She just really thinks that she can handle her 'shit' on her own and doesn't wanna bother Piper with it, which seems wrong at the moment, right? Haha. Thank you for your review! Hopefully, you'd still find this story interesting after this chapter =)

 **schillingarmy,** I'm glad that you do! Here's another long one, not as long as the previous chapter, though. And you couldn't have worded it better "vulnerable and messed up together" is what Vauseman really is in this story. You're welcome, and I'm glad you think so. Thank you very much! =)

 **moanzs,** Wow, thank you for your review! It feels so good to know that my story (the previous chapter) has affected you that way. It's really awesome. =) And I'm sorry that Alex picked the phone up too late. Haha. I hope this chapter did not disappoint. And no problem about the responses. Again, it's the least I can do because you guys are so nice to this story.

 **izzielg,** Hm, you have to brace yourself then because things can get even worse. Haha. And I'm sorry I think the ending to this chapter left you hanging even more? Please don't hate me. =) Will try to post as soon as I can!

 **RJVause,** Thank you for rereading the whole story! I can't believe you thought this was worth a second read! That really makes me happy. =)) And also thank you for considering this as one of your 'favourites' coz that really means a lot to me. Here's another update, hope you'll still have the energy to wait for the next one. Haha.

 **huggerguest,** Haha! I hope you're ready for the roller-coaster of emotions that you mentioned on the previous chapter! =) Thank you for the review!

 **SheriLovey,** The way Piper's gonna deal with her mother's death will still be explored in the future chapters. =) I'm sorry that Nicky wasn't able to stop Alex to meet with her friend but that is really essential in this story, I hope you're not too disappointed. Thank you very much for your review! And just so you know, you're amazing, too! Enjoy this new chapter!

 **jomichael03,** Hey, hey, hey! I've missed you! I thought you've given up on this story I am so glad you're back! How was your vacation? I'm glad that you had a great time! And you're right, some things have happened while you were away I'm glad you've finally caught up. Haha! As usual, your review gives me life and I really missed reading them, please don't go away again. =)) Kidding, you can have vacation again if you want! Hahaha. And you're right, life's been good for me, too. I missed talking to you as well. Until next time, my friend!

 **orange621,** Awww, now you've made me blush, too! Thank you. I'm glad you love this story. And don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to Alex. Haha! Here's a new chapter, enjoy! =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Oh, I almost didn't notice that your review was for chapter 10. Hopefully you'd be able to read this when you reach chapter 12 coz I wanna thank you for that awesome review! I'm glad you liked the "Will you be my girlfriend?" scene. I loved that in season 3 so I had to include it here. =) Really, your review, especially the second paragraph, was so great I don't even know what to say other than thank you! Have an awesome day! =)


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**

Trigger Warning: Explicit use of drugs.

You'd probably hate me for this chapter, I don't know. But I heart you. And I'm sorry that it isn't as long as the last two chapters but I felt that I needed to end it with how I ended it, so I can explore about it more thoroughly on the next chapter. Whatever, haha. So enjoy, more angst. (*wink wink*)

Anyway, I still don't own anything.

 **13**

"Are you looking for this?"

Alex almost jumped up at the sound of Piper's voice behind her and she had to collect herself before she could slowly turn around, hoping that Piper wasn't holding what she was looking for. But as if the only luck associated with her today was the _bad_ one, she felt as if cold water was poured all over her as she looked at her girlfriend holding up the very thing Alex was looking for.

"P-Pipes..." If Alex's heart had the ability to get out of her chest, it would probably be on the floor right now, crushed into pieces, not only for being caught, but also because of the look Piper was giving her right now. It was heartbreaking to see Piper looking at her as if she'd been _betrayed_ , like she couldn't believe Alex did this to her.

"Since when?" Piper asked, her voice dangerously calm. But it wasn't the kind of calmness that could reassure Alex that she was gonna get out of this easily. It was something that made her heart race, preparing her for more shit to come.

"I..." Alex _wished_ there was anything she could do, or even at least just _say_ right now but she knew there was _nothing_ that could make the situation better. So she just shook her head dejectedly, as she wiped the sweat that was forming fast on her forehead.

" _Since when, Alex?_ " Piper asked again, a lot more sharply, her face terrifyingly blank of emotions. She was trying so hard to breathe but it felt as if she was losing the ability to do so. She waited for Alex to answer while she fought so damn hard _not_ to look away, because looking at Alex like this was a thousand times worse than when she found out her mother had passed away. But she had to look her in the eye because she _needed_ to know the truth.

Tears had dropped from Alex's eyes and she harshly wiped them away because she had no right to feel this right now. _She_ was doing this to Piper. She was the one doing the _hurting._ She deserved that _look_ from her."Over a month," Alex answered, her voice so soft, guilt shooting through her.

Piper inhaled sharply, just realizing that this was _worse_ than she hoped it would be. She wanted to run towards Alex, and wrap her in her arms, and also be the one to tell her that _everything was going to be okay,_ just like Alex had been telling her these past few days. But she couldn't bring herself to move, the weight of the drugs in her hands weighing her down so bad she could feel every inch of her being hurt."Are you having nightmares again?"

Alex looked away, finally losing the strength to look Piper in the eye, before she looked down on her feet as she nodded. "Yes."

Piper bit her cheek and then slowly shook her head. "And you chose to resort to _this_ instead of telling me." Piper was also crying now, feeling so helpless. She _wanted_ to be there for Alex. She _needed_ to be the one who was gonna be there for her when she needed her. But Alex kept isolating herself from her, wanting to deal with everything going on with her _alone_ and it hurt Piper because she felt so _useless,_ feeling as if Alex did not _trust_ her enough for this.

"Pipes, it's not like that—" Alex was panicking now, feeling Piper slowly slip away from her. It wasn't supposed to go this way. She didn't plan to fuck up this bad _again_. She took one step forward but Piper took one step back and it _crushed_ Alex because this was the first time that Piper _voluntarily_ walked away from her.

When Piper spoke again, her voice was filled with so much pain and she had to swallow hard as if it was the only thing she could do to hold on to the thread that was barely keeping her together. "When are you ever going to need me, too?"

Piper could see that Alex was _falling apart_. And she was falling apart right in front of her but Piper could feel herself slowly losing to this fight. So she stepped backwards one by one, feeling the whole damn place close in on her, in a speed she felt she couldn't outrun. She _had_ to get out of here. Not because she wanted to leave Alex. Not because she didn't want to be there for her. But because she was quickly breaking apart, too, and she couldn't let Alex see that. She then turned around, wanting to run away from there as fast as she could but Alex's pleading voice froze her to the spot.

"Pipes..."

Alex's voice was shaking and Piper shut her eyes so tightly hoping that it would stop the tears that were shooting from her eyes. So she turned around once again, giving Alex another look, and she felt her knees almost give up on her because this was the _worst_ she's ever seen Alex.

"Please..." Alex said, stopping herself before she could entirely voice out what she really wanted to say. _"Please don't leave me,"_ Alex said internally, her chest agonizingly painful. But Piper was still backing away, her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head and repeatedly whispered how sorry she was. And before Alex could even move, Piper was out of her sight, and probably out of her life for good.

-o-o-o-

Piper reached her apartment still holding Alex's stash. When she realized this, rage took over her causing her to throw it as far from her as possible. She was _shaking_. She could still picture the look on Alex's face while she was walking away and she _hated_ herself for it but once she took that step backwards, she couldn't stop herself anymore.

Before she even knew it, Piper was throwing everything she could get a hold of while she screamed, every emotion she had bottled up for the past days coming at her with such strong force. She took the books scattered on one of her tables and threw them down on the floor, the frames lying around, _everything_. She was lashing out at everything hoping that _somehow_ it would make her feel better, that it could help her get her shit together.

This wasn't just about Alex anymore. It was everything that had been happening to her ever since she had known how to understand everything in this fucked up excuse for a life that she had. Was she a bad person? Had she really been _that_ terrible that she couldn't even have something good in her life without it being taken away from her after a while?

Piper cried. And she threw things. And she screamed. Because everything just hurt too much. The pain in her chest attacking her like some plague she couldn't avoid. But suddenly she felt arms wrap around her, trying to calm her as she held her hands from grabbing something else she could throw.

"Piper, hey! What the fuck, Piper, calm down," Nicky's voice was worried but gentle, as she enveloped Piper's in her arms.

Piper kept crying as she tried to pry Nicky's arms away from her. But then she's suddenly lost all the will to fight and slowly collapsed on the floor, Nicky slumping down with her.

"Sssshhhh..." Nicky whispered, her left arm wrapped around Piper as her right hand rubbed her back up and down. "It's okay," she added as Piper's sobs filled the room, her head bowed as her shoulders shook from the sobs that escaped her lips. "It's okay," she said again, as if it was gonna make Piper believe it the _second time around_.

"Nicky..." Piper whispered, "I am _so_ scared," she said, remembering how broken Alex looked today, how different she had seemed from the first time they met. "Please tell me she's going to be all right," she added, because it's _all_ that she had. She just needed someone to tell her that things would eventually get better because Alex, _Alex_ , could not do that for her right now.

At that point, Nicky knew what, _who_ , Piper was talking about. She didn't know what happened but she had a pretty good idea and she was suddenly thankful that she followed her gut about going to Piper's apartment before the blonde could hurt herself. Looking at Piper right now, she could see how messed up she was. She didn't even want to imagine how Alex was at this moment.

And what was bothering her was the reason _why_ Piper was this way. It wasn't because of her own fucked up problems. It was because of _Alex_. Just like how Alex was letting herself get ruined for the sake of _Piper_. Nicky knew how much they loved each other. It wouldn't take a genius to see that, and to know just how much. It was supposed to be a _good_ thing. They both needed each other and having one another was the best thing that's happened to them in a long time. But they were allowing themselves to get hurt for the sake of the other and somehow it was becoming a little unhealthy for both of them.

"She's going to be fine, Piper. Alex is a survivor, we both know that. She's gonna get through this. You're both going to get through this." Piper just continued crying and a terrifying thought suddenly crossed Nicky's mind. "Piper... did you... did you break up with Alex?" she asked, feeling her heart hammer against her chest. If Piper broke up with Alex, it would be the last straw for her best friend and she was more than a hundred percent sure that it was going to be her undoing. It was gonna _destroy_ her. And she wasn't sure if she could come _back_ from that.

"No," Piper shook her head adamantly, wanting to express that it was going to be the _last_ thing she would do. "No, I can never do that, Nicky. I'm gonna have to _die_ before I leave Alex."

And it was just the confirmation that Nicky needed about to what extent Piper and Alex were gonna go for each other. Piper would _die_ before she'd leave Alex. And she was pretty damn sure that if _death_ was the only way Alex could be with Piper, she would take that with fucking open arms. She didn't know what it was but that thought suddenly made her shiver, and not in a good way, like this was all just _too much._

 _"_ But I had to get out of there because I didn't know what to do," Piper continued. "I _don't_ know what to do, Nicky." Piper rubbed her hands all over her face looking more distraught than Nicky had ever seen her. "Oh my God," she suddenly said, panic rising in her chest. "Do you think that's what she's thinking? Do you think she thinks I've left her?" she faced Nicky, just realizing the consequences of her actions. What if Alex did something stupid? "I have to go back." She was hurriedly standing up, almost losing balance. "I have to tell her I'm not leaving." She was about to walk towards the door but Nicky stopped her.

"Hey, Piper," Nicky grabbed Piper's arm tightly, not wanting to let go of her. "Hey, listen to me. You need to get some rest."

"I'm fine." Piper took Nicky's hand off of her as she took a step backward.

"No, you're not!" Nicky exclaimed, somehow feeling irritated at how stubborn Alex and Piper were when it came to each other. "Look, I'll go see Alex, okay? I'll tell her that you're fine, that you just need time to pull yourself together."

"But she needs me."

"Do you think seeing you _this way_ is what she needs right now? You have got to get your shit together. And she fucking needs to do the same. Please Piper... just... you can talk when you're both at least a little better. I promise you, I'll make sure she's okay."

-o-o-o-

It was already night time when Piper woke up from her surprisingly deep sleep this afternoon. As she opened her eyes, she blinked rapidly to get accustomed to the feeling of her swollen eyes caused by her nonstop sobbing when Nicky left, with her promise that she was going to keep Alex company until she could finally see her.

Being a whole lot calmer than she was a few hours ago, Piper willed herself to think of everything that was going on. She thought of her mother's death, and the nagging feeling inside her that there was _something_ she needed to do about that. It had been a while but every time she remembered that she was _gone_ , she still couldn't stop the tightening of her chest and her irritation at the fact that she _couldn't._ Her mother's death was pulling such a powerful emotion from her which she didn't _understand_ why because she wasn't supposed to _care_ anymore.

But then she looked around her room and her eyes landed on Alex's stash, something she couldn't make herself get rid of no matter how hard she convinced herself that she should, and her thoughts immediately snapped back to Alex and what she should do so Alex could finally trust her enough to let her know what was going on with her. It was hard seeing Alex that way and she made it a point to do whatever it was that needed to be done just so she wouldn't lose her to the darkness that was, again, pulling at the woman she loved the most in her life.

She then remembered the look that Alex had when she silently begged her not to go and before she even realized it, Piper was scrambling to be on her feet, wanting to reach Alex's house as soon as she could, coming into an agreement with herself that she would do whatever the hell it would take for Alex, even if it meant she would lose herself in the process.

-o-o-o-

Piper entered Alex's house quietly, her eyes searching the whole place for her girlfriend. When she couldn't find her anywhere else in the living room and kitchen, she couldn't stop the hammering of her heart against her chest that had only been getting stronger by the minute. When she called Nicky to let her know that she was coming over, she profusely apologized as she let her know that Alex had kicked her out of her house as soon as she got there and she wasn't able to do anything about it. Piper was instantly worried, hoping and praying that Alex didn't leave the house. She was fastly moving now, making her way inside Alex's room.

Piper then breathed out a sigh of relief as she saw Alex on the floor, sitting with her back against the side of her bed. The room was dark and Piper could barely see anything but she kept walking anyway, unsure if Alex had noticed her presence, until she was sitting beside her. She then buried her head at the crook of Alex's neck, as she raised her left arm to cup her girlfriend's face. "Baby," she whispered, all kinds of emotions rushing through her sensing Alex tense at her touch.

Taking her by surprise, Piper suddenly felt Alex's shoulder shake, sobs racking her girlfriend's body. "Hey," Piper said, pain evident in her voice as she settled herself on Alex's lap, both her knees beside each of Alex's legs, effectively straddling her. "Al..." she was now cupping Alex's face with both her palms as she pressed their foreheads together. Piper's eyes had become misty, too, feeling Alex's pain in every inch of her body. "I'm here, Al. I'm right here," Piper's voice cracked, and she hated herself for it because seeing Alex lose it in front of her took away all her ability to be the _strong one_ for both of them right now.

As tears streamed on her face, Alex finally allowed herself to snake her arms around Piper's waist, pulling her impossibly closer to her as if reassuring herself that she was indeed here. Piper _came back_. She _didn't_ leave her. "I'm sorry," Alex whispered in between sobs, "I'm so fucking sorry, Piper." Alex was now crying on Piper's shoulder, her arms still tightly wounded around Piper, afraid that if she let go, she would lose her again.

"Sssshhhh..." Piper gently lifted Alex's head so she could look her in the eye, even though there really wasn't much to see because it was still _so dark_ , a perfect visual for Piper and Alex's whole existence right now. Piper didn't think that pain this _strong_ existed but Alex breaking down was tearing her into pieces. "It's okay now. We're okay. We're going to be okay," she repeatedly assured Alex before bringing their lips together, pouring everything she felt for Alex onto that kiss, wanting to let her know _just how much she loved her_. "I love you," Piper whispered as she kept pressing kisses on Alex's face, wiping the tears that shot from her girlfriend's eyes. "I love you so fucking much. It's okay."

And Piper wrapped her arms around Alex once again, relieved that despite how _broken_ they were at the moment, they still fit together and it still felt _right_ to be in each other's arms.

-o-o-o-

When Alex had finally calmed a little, Piper insisted that she get some sleep. At first, Alex was reluctant, obviously still afraid that Piper would've left by the time she woke up but Piper had assured her that she was staying with her and that she wasn't going anywhere. Probably too exhausted to still resist, Alex finally fell asleep after a while, Piper staying beside her as she watched her sleep.

The moment Piper realized that she was _unintentionally_ blocking people from coming close to her, emotionally or even just physically, she thought that there would never come a time in her life where she'd fall crazily and utterly in love with another person. But looking at Alex peacefully sleeping right now, she softly laughed at herself because how fucking wrong was she?

She was in-love with Alex, _crazily and irrevocably so_ , and she loved her in ways she never thought was even possible for her, or for anyone for that matter. If someone would look at them right now, that person would probably think how hard it was to be in this kind of relationship. But to Piper, it wasn't. Loving Alex was the _easiest_ thing she's ever had to do her entire life and it may not seem like that all the time, but she knew that she wouldn't ever trade this for anything.

Everything was a mess. It was all crazy.

But being with Alex was the only thing Piper felt was _right_ in her life.

And so if she had to do something _wrong_ just to be able to keep that, then fuck all logic that there was in this world, because _wrong_ was what she was gonna do to keep the only _right_ that was left for her to have.

-o-o-o-

When Alex woke up, her arm immediately reached out to the other side of the bed, wanting to make sure that Piper was still there. But her heart sank when she realized that she was alone, and she immediately got out of bed, wanting to make sure that Piper was just outside her room, and that she didn't break her promise about not going anywhere. When she reached her living room, she felt herself relax when she saw Piper just sitting on her couch, her eyes focused on _something_.

"Pipes?"

As soon as she heard her voice, Piper's eyes instantly went to Alex's, but not too long before she looked back at whatever she was staring at, at the table in front of her. And just like that, Alex followed the trail of Piper's eyes and she felt her heart race at the sight. At first, she was _terrified_ about why Piper must be looking at _that_. But that thought was instantaneously replaced by the _itch_ that she had just forgotten because of Piper finding out about her _using_. She suddenly _craved_ for it again, and she felt it pull at her like a magnet she wouldn't even _dare_ to fight.

"Wh-why is that..." Alex found it hard to form a coherent sentence because her mind was suddenly fuzzing, the sight of the _heroin_ stopping her brain from functioning properly, or _at all_. "Wh-what are you doing?"

"I want it, too."

"What?!" the question snapped Alex back into reality as soon as she heard it, and now her heart was racing for a totally different reason. "Why would you... Piper, no."

"Why not?"

"Y-you can't."

"Give me a reason why I can't. Something I can't throw right back at you."

Alex cursed herself internally, not being able to come up with a reason, not because she _couldn't_ think of one, but because it would be so hypocrite of her to tell Piper _not_ to do it when she herself _did_. She frantically ran her fingers over her hair as she took a deep breath. "Piper, I've done this before. I know how to _control_ it," Alex said weakly.

"You know how to control it? Alex, you are having a fucking withdrawal," Piper said sharply as she took on Alex's look for the first time since this afternoon. Her eyes and nose were runny, she was starting to again sweat profusely and she could see her massaging every part of her body as if trying to give herself relief from pain. "Alex, I need this, too."

Piper didn't want to admit it to herself but she couldn't do this _alone_. She couldn't deal with what Alex was going through _and_ deal with her own _shit_ at the same time. She needed _something_ and if Alex thought this could help her, maybe she needed to _believe_ her right now because Piper _did not know what else to do_.

Alex's internal struggle was sucking the energy out of her. On one hand she didn't want _this_ for Piper. She was so much _better_ than this. But on the other hand, she was aching to feel the drugs flow through her blood again. She needed the sense of calm that it gave her. She needed to feel better. But now she realized that the only way Piper would let her do that was if she let her, too.

So as much as Alex knew she was gonna hate herself for doing this, she slowly walked towards the couch and sat beside Piper. She looked at her intently, silently hoping that she'd change her mind, because Alex did not have enough _strength_ to resist this right now. But Piper just stared back, extreme determination in her eyes. "I trust you. I know you won't let anything happen to me."

And Alex had to let out the breath she'd been holding, knowing full well that there was no turning back from this.

With her hands shaking slightly, Alex grabbed Piper's arm and wrapped the non-latex tourniquet around the part she was intending to inject the _heroin_ , thoroughly cleaning it with the alcohol swab. She then took the plastic spoon and cleaned it before pouring a small amount of heroin in it. Afterwards, she took the syringe and squirted enough water onto the spoon, heating it with lighter to dissolve the drugs even better. Alex could feel her heart beat rapidly, her reluctance in injecting Piper with it _gone_ as what was only left was her _anticipation_ of shooting herself with it.

After a short while, with everything ready, Alex took the syringe and placed the needle right on Piper's veins. But before she let that _thing_ totally change Piper's life, she looked at her once more, as if asking for permission, a quiet question of whether she was really _sure_ about it. When she got a slow nod from Piper as a response, she slowly injected Piper with the heroin, her eyes watching it flow from the syringe towards Piper's bloodstream.

And as Piper felt the _drugs_ flow through her blood, she shut her eyes tightly, letting Alex take control of everything, letting the drugs do for her what she couldn't do for herself, with the _ignored_ reality that whatever this was, it was only waiting to break both of them to pieces that no one could ever bring them back to being _whole_ again.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUT:**

 **Vausemaniac,** I didn't notice that you've already left a review for chapter 11 before I posted the previous chapter so I'm only thanking you for that now. Haha. Anyway, as for your chapter 12 review, all in the right time, babe. I'll just surprise you when everything is rainbows and butterflies again. Haha. And I totally agree about Nicky! I wish she was in season 3 to knock sense in Piper and be there for Alex. I love her friendship with both of them (in the series and in here, too) I'm glad you liked the "be my little spoon' scene. You're welcome and thank you for a wonderful review!

 **HubcapsAndAshtrays,** You did make sense! And thank you, that review was way too deep. Haha. Hope you like this one as well. =)

 **Skye9598,** Yeah, we all need an Alex Vause in our life, don't we? (probably not my version of Alex right now, though haha) I hope you keep your sanity in check, I don't wanna be held responsible for that haha, just kidding! And gosh, thank you that you consider this one of your favourites, it means a lot to me =)

 **elliellie1,** Cliff hangers give me life! Hahaha. Sorry for that, by the way. I'm glad you loved the previous chapter, thank you very much! =)

 **Budda1127,** Aw, you are incredible, too! I'm sorry I broke your heart once again, but thank you for still keeping up with this even if I keep doing that. Haha! Thank you for your review, it was awesome! =)

 **Guest (who enjoyed the previous chapter),** Hopefully, this chapter satisfies you in some way even though I'm guessing it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be. Haha. Thanks for the review! =)

 **WB79,** They definitely need each other but I think they're now too far gone to still know what's right ow wrong, you think? Haha. Thank you for your review. =)

 **awkwardlynormal13,** Oh no! I wasn't trying to put myself down but still, thank you for the reassurance! It was really nice of you. =) Your review was wonderful as usual and hopefully you still have some energy left for the roller coaster ride I'm about to take you. Haha. Thank you so much!

 **FFChik,** I totally agree! It's always heartbreaking to lose someone, and given that Piper loved her mom too much, I figured it was only right that she felt her loss powerfully even though she made herself believe that she didn't care anymore. Hm, no, it's definitely not wrong. I think some felt that, too. And it was about time Piper found out, right? Thank you very much. It was a little hard for me to describe Alex's withdrawal but I'm glad you felt that way about it. =)

 **Guest (another cliffhanger?),** Sorry about the cliff hanger! No more cliff hanger this time. Sorry that I couldn't update any sooner. Hope you enjoyed reading!

 **Phantomjazz,** I'm glad you thought that the scene of Alex and Nicky was perfect. It's one of my favourites, haha. And also, thank you for not hating me for the cliff hanger. Sorry that I couldn't update earlier =( but hopefully this chapter had made up for me not updating sooner.

 **RJVause,** About the shout out, you are very welcome! I wish I can do more, though. I'm really grateful for your responses on every chapter. Anyway, don't worry about the updates, I'm trying really hard not to go more than a week without updating. Although I have to apologize because I don't think I can go any faster than that. And wow! I didn't think anyone would recognize the lyrics I put at the start. It's my favourite Sheryl Crow song. Great to know that you're a fan!

 **guest (piper a badass),** Aw, that's cute! Why do you think that anyway? And yes, Piper is indeed a badass. Haha. Thank you!

 **vausegasm,** Hey, girl! Yeah, I figured I had to give at least a little warning, it's the least I can do to ease some of the pain. Haha! Anyway, about your question, no, Nicky did not tell Piper about the drugs. Piper found about it herself coz she had also noticed the difference in Alex. So there, I hope it's cleared. =)) And yes, it's about time Piper found out about Alex's drug use/abuse so I could get the drama going haha. I honestly can feel your struggle and I can't help smiling (not because you're struggling) but because your review is once again, perfect! I don't know how you'd feel about this new chapter but I'm sure you'd let me know, right? Thank you very much! You're fucking awesome!

 **valevauseman,** I think that you're right about Piper being "stronger" right now than Alex in some ways but we never know when the tables would turn, _**if**_ they would turn. Haha. Thank you as well, and yeah, the "Come be my little spoon" scene is season one is still one of my favourites so I can't help but add it in here. Thanks again, for you review! =)

 **jo michael,** Hi there! Wow, I'm glad that reply made you happy. I'd like to let you know that your reviews make me happy, too. So thank you! It's also a relief knowing you'll stick with this story 'til the end, so another thank you for that. =) Yes, they may deal with a lot of bullshit but one thing that I want clear here is that Piper and Alex really do love each other (a lot, if I may add). And wow, "one of my top writers" that's some amazing compliment right there, thank you very much! I am having an amazing time, hope you are, too. xoxo

 **izzielg,** Haha! More drama it is! Thank you, that was a cute review. =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Wow, it made me feel good that I was able to make you feel those things, not that I like you feeling pain or anything, haha. But just the fact that my story could affect you that way is so heart warming so thank you! And thank you for letting me know through your reviews!

 **sara lance,** Oh yeah, busted indeed! I'm glad I could surprise you once again. Haha. Hopefully, you're happy that Piper did not leave Alex despite other circumstances. And you can chill for a while coz I think the next chapter is gonna be a breather. That is if the demon doesn't possess me and make me make things worse for them. But for right now, we're good. Haha!

 **Joey2920,** Thank you so much for that review! Here's a new chapter and finally, we've all discovered how Piper was gonna react to Alex's drug problem. =)

 **piccolover22,** Hello! Thank you very much! I love writing emotional scenes and I'm glad you loved them! Your review made me blush as always, and you're very welcome! I love reading good fan fiction, too. And thank you that you think I also write good fan fiction, so thank you as well for that. =)

 **vausemania,** Shit seems to be going to be present in every chapter. Haha. Just kidding. I hope you're satisfied with how I showed Alex and Piper's reactions. And also, hopefully you're happy that Piper did not leave Alex. Although that doesn't seem to be totally great news right now. =) Thank you!

 **schillingarmy,** Wow, you're probably one of the few people who didn't have a problem with the cliff hanger, so thank you! Haha. I'm sorry though that things just got a little bit more messier between those two but bare with me. All good things come to those who wait. Thank you and have an awesome day as well =))

 **moanzs,** Busted indeed! Yeah, Nicky has indeed been put in a very difficult position but she's not going anywhere! She's still going to be part of Alex and Piper's 'journey' towards wherever they're going. =) Hm, with the two ways you thought on where this was gonna go, I think they're both right in some ways? Haha. You're good! Only with few little changes and addition you almost got it right. =)) And as always, thank you for an amazing review. Much love from me to you! =)

 **SheriLovey,** Aww, I'm glad that you're not disappointed! And thank you for trusting me with how I want deal with this story and where I want to take it. Sorry again for that cliff hanger, but no more this time. Haha! Thank you! =)

 **pitterpat87,** Thank you! I was actually apologizing about the cliff hanger haha, but here's the new chapter now and I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long. Hm, well now you know how Piper decided to go about this 'drug problem' with Alex and it'd be cool to know what you think. =) Thank you for a very detailed review and hope you like this one, too!

 **orange621,** It's about time she found out what was going on about Alex, yeah? =) Yeah, so from now on, you should expect a little cliff hanger every now and then. Haha. Thank you for leaving another review! Hope you like this new one. =)

 **Marijn,** Hey, girl! It's been a long time. I was starting to wonder where you were. =) Anyway, I'm glad you're back as I've missed you. Thank you for still leaving reviews on every chapter that you missed while you were not around. And I'm so sorry for that cliff hanger but here's the new chapter now and no cliff hanger this time! Yeah, I had to use the title some time haha. Thank you for those very detailed and wonderful reviews, it's one of the things I missed about you. Hugs and kisses and love for you as well. Have a great time as always! xo

 **huggerguest,** Yes, I tried to put in a little 'sweetness' in here because you're all probably gonna kill me if everything is too angsty. Haha. Although I know that there was still more angst and hopefully it wasn't too much. Too much damage indeed! I think that's what happens to two damaged people. =) You're amazing, thank you for that review! And about your question, I'm not sure how to answer that yet but I'll let everyone know if we're nearing the end. =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** Hey, here's the new chapter. Alex is really in serious trouble, and I think you will agree that so is Piper now. Haha. I'm glad you liked the spooning part even though it was a little dramatic. Thank you!

 **The Fortunate Paper-knife,** So I know it's gonna take you ten more chapters before you can read this (hopefully, you will) but I want to thank you for that wonderful review you left for Chapter 2! I'm always glad to meet new readers. Again, thanks! =)


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:**

So, the response to the last chapter was really overwhelming, and I wanted to post a chapter as soon as I could (as a thank you) but I also have other responsibilities I needed to fulfil so forgive me for the delay. =( This is basically just a filler chapter, and kind of a "break" from too much angst. Not saying that it's all fluffy and mush, but it's definitely a lot _less_ angst-y than the previous chapter.

I'm trying to avoid long author's notes, but a number of people expressed how "depressing" the last chapter was and that they were done with the story and would no longer read it. As much as that made me sad, I truly understand. I just want to apologize if the last chapter had disturbed anyone in any way, I really did not mean it. The fact that Piper took the drugs, too, is really vital for the message that I'd want this story to relay, once it's all over and done and hopefully I'm not doing it wrong, but I swear the angst is not just for the sake of having angst. It really is important to the story.

Anyway, to those who are still sticking to this story despite it becoming "too dark" thank you very much, and I appreciate it a lot. You guys are wonderful. I just have to warn you that things aren't going to be rainbows and butterflies anytime soon but the "drugs" plot I think is almost coming to its end. When or how, I really can't tell you coz that would just be ruining the fun, right? Haha. And if you have anything you want to tell me, just feel free to drop a message on my inbox.

Again, I don't own anything.

 **14**

" _...just remember that we've all been broken once... so let's love the broken ones."_

-o-o-o-

 _Alex and Piper were once again at the lake, deciding to spend some time there after an exhausting day for Piper who had to work two shifts at Red's Diner the day before. They were snuggled together wrapped in a thick blanket, while they watched the flickering of the light coming from the bonfire Piper had made, a 'lesson' Alex had taught her that night._

 _"I can't believe that there actually was a time in my life where I thought I would be better off alone," Alex said, while she played with Piper's fingers that were attached to her own._

 _Piper, who was sitting between Alex's legs, her back pressed against her girlfriend's front, smiled at this. "Yeah? Why? You don't think that now?" Piper could feel Alex shake her head, and hummed a soft agreement to her question. "Why's that?"_

 _"Because I'm with you," Alex answered, as if it was the easiest thing to say. "And being with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me my entire life."_

 _Piper's smile widened as she turned her head around to look at Alex. "Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?" Alex just smiled back at her before pressing her lips at the top of her head. "I didn't know you could be so mushy."_

 _"Seriously? I do the one thing you know I hate doing, because I love you and I wanna let you know how I feel, and you bust my balls for it?" Alex asked, faking a pained expression on her face._

 _Piper let out a soft chuckle that was music to Alex's ears. "First of all, you don't have balls."_

 _"That really sounds like an insult, Pipes."_

 _"I mean literally! I've been there, I didn't see anything."_

 _"Are we seriously going to talk about balls?"_

 _Piper laughter could be heard all over the place and Alex laughed along with her, their laughter joined together making both their hearts melt, and their chests tighten in an adorable kind of way. "You started it. Will you just let me finish now?"_

 _"Fine, go on," Alex answered, looking intently at her girlfriend, feeling her deep love and affection for the blonde rush through her._

 _"And secondly, I love you so much for saying that and I love it when you get all mushy on me." Alex was again just about to protest but Piper put her finger on her lips. "Na-uh. Shut up." Alex bit her finger in retaliation, causing Piper to slap her lightly on her arm. "Hey!"_

 _Alex just laughed at her before bringing Piper's finger to her mouth once again, but this time to pepper it with soft kisses. "You were saying?"_

 _"Hm. What I said. And also, being with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me, too. I'm never been this happy my entire life," Piper said, sincerity in her tone._

 _Alex then smiled at her, her overflowing love for Piper making it hard for her to breathe. But in a terrifyingly good way. She slowly leaned towards Piper so she could kiss her and Alex swore, she could stay like this forever, in Piper's arms and warmth. "I love you."_

 _"I love you, too."_

 _"Do you remember that first day we went out? When I told you I was taking you far away from our place?"_

 _"Yeah, I'm still waiting for that by the way."_

 _"Sorry," Alex said, pressing her forehead against the top of Piper's head, her tone apologetic. "I've been thinking about that, I was just waiting for the right time."_

 _"I was kidding," Piper said, bringing Alex's hand on her lips, kissing it gently. "I don't care if we'll just stay in your room forever. I don't mind. As long as I'm with you."_

 _"Who's being mushy now?"_

 _"I don't care."_

 _They were silent for a while before Alex decided to break it. "I meant that, though. I'm taking you away from here, Piper. Away from everyone who has only ever tried to hurt you. One day."_

-o-o-o-

The first time Alex came down from her high after Piper had used, too, was one of the worst times of her life. When she woke up, she was lying on the floor, naked from the waist down, limbs tangled with those of her girlfriend's, who, unlike her, was completely unclothed. It didn't register with her at first. She didn't really realize what was going on until she looked around them and saw _everything_.

Scattered all over the floor were her and Piper's clothes. There were even ties lying around, something she didn't even _remember_ using last night. There were also numerous bottles of different kinds of alcohol, answering Alex's question about why her head was throbbing so badly. But what made her stomach churn was everything they used to inject themselves with the _heroin_ (which was also visible to Alex's eyes right now.) She stared wide-eyed, unable to process what to feel.

She then looked at her girlfriend, still sleeping beside her, oblivious to every dangerous thought running through Alex's head. She _shouldn't_ have done this to her. Piper told her that she _trusted_ her but she betrayed that trust. With what she just did, being the person who had injected the drugs to flow freely through Piper's blood, she instantly felt _disgusted_ with herself.

Suddenly, Alex felt sick to her stomach and before she even realized it, she was running towards the sink, vomiting the contents of her stomach unpleasantly, terribly wishing that she could turn back time, that she could take it all back. But everything had happened and she knew that the only way she could make up for it was if she chose to stop it _herself_.

Slowly, Alex made her way towards Piper as she put her shirt back on and slumped down beside her, as she again watched her sleep, paying close attention to the rising and falling of her chest as she breathed. At that moment, all that Alex wanted to do was to scoop Piper in her arms and give her a bone-crushing hug with a desperate hope that it was the only thing she had to do to make it all _better_. But lately, everything that Alex seemed to be doing was making it _worse_ for everyone, especially for _Piper_.

And as if she'd been burned, Alex gradually pulled herself away from Piper, close enough to still be able to see her, but far enough to give her a little assurance that with this distance, she wouldn't be able to _hurt_ her again in _any way_. Alex stayed like that for a while, her arms hugging her knees that were tucked under her chin, while she bit on her fingers, trying to steady her breathing, to regain even just a little composure, just so she could think _clearly_ , something she'd obviously been failing to do for the last number of days.

She kept her eyes on Piper, wondering how she would feel when she woke up. Would she _hate_ Alex for what she's done to her? Would she _blame_ her for what's happened? Alex felt her chest tighten at the thought of Piper _hating_ her because of this, but before she could think about it any further, Piper stirred and stretched her arm as she grasped at her side, as if she was searching for something.

"Al?" Piper rubbed her eyes before she opened her eyes, obviously still getting acquainted with the fact that she was already up. "Alex?" she whispered again and her eyes were now frantically searching everywhere.

As soon as Alex saw Piper open her eyes, she quickly scrambled towards her, almost crawling towards her like a child. She could see panic appear on Piper's eyes for not immediately seeing her presence and Alex felt an uncomfortable knot in her stomach when she noticed how relieved Piper was when she saw her.

"Hey," Piper slowly got up on her knees, wrapping the blanket around her as she drew herself close to Alex. She then smiled at her, and it was so beautiful that Alex couldn't help but cup Piper's face and kiss her hard, not enough to hurt her but only the right amount to let her know just how much she loved her. That no matter how much she would fuck up, that was one of the things that she would never be _not certain_ of, one of those things that would _never_ change.

"Baby, are you okay?" Alex asked as her voice cracked, panic slowly rising in her chest because _what if_ she'd hurt her because of what happened last night. "Are you hurt?" she asked again, her hands sliding down towards Piper's neck, down to her arms. "Please tell me," Alex _begged_ , not being able to stop the tears that were slowly forming in her eyes at the thought of Piper being hurt _because of her._

"Hey, hey," Piper said, evidently confused at Alex's reaction, mimicking Alex's reaction when she cupped her girlfriend's face with both hands. "I'm okay, Al. I'm not hurt." Piper brushed a few strands of hair that were sticking to Alex's face, as she looked her in the eye, silently asking her what was wrong.

"I'm sorry," Alex suddenly blurted out before she pulled Piper towards her and wrapped her arms around her tightly. "I'm so sorry, Pipes."

"What? Why?" Piper asked worriedly, as she rubbed Alex's back.

Alex pulled away, shaking her head. "You shouldn't... I shouldn't have..." She tried voicing it out, telling Piper what she was really _sorry_ about, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She started feeling sick again, when she remembered, feeling as if she was gonna throw up once more. So she swallowed hard, because this was not the right time for that.

But Piper pulled her back, ignoring the blanket wrapped around her as it fell on the floor. "Look at me." But Alex looked away, her eyes wet with tears. "Hey, come on, Al," she then guided her girlfriend's face towards her, "I'm okay. I promise. I haven't...I haven't felt _better_ than I had last night."

And Piper meant it. Before the drugs could even take its effect on her, she was having _doubts_ on whether she would feel terrible the moment it would wear off. But right now, all she could think about was how it had made her feel better, how she finally understood why Alex resorted to it, and how she didn't regret a single thing.

She looked at Alex intently, wanting her to believe what she just said. She knew Alex's tendencies of blaming herself about things she wasn't even at fault of. And right now, that was the last thing Piper wanted her to think. All she wanted was to feel Alex again, just like last night, when she made her feel like she was the only person in the world who mattered... like the only thing she wanted to do was to make her feel just how much she loved her. And Piper wanted that now. Again.

"Stop thinking about anything else, Al. Right now, nothing else matters because we're here. Just you and me." She again kissed Alex, starting off slow until they were both starting to become breathless because of the intensity of that kiss. Piper then pulled away, enough to be able to look Alex right in those beautiful emerald green eyes. "I want you, Alex. I want you, right now."

Slowly, Piper settled both her hands on Alex's stomach, bringing them upwards until she was cupping her breasts. She could see the way Alex's eyes darkened with passion as soon as she touched her naked flesh, inhaling sharply as Piper gently tweaked and tugged at her nipples.

Alex on the other hand, feeling the heat erupt inside her, pulled Piper closer as she brought their lips together again with so much heat and longing, as if they'd been apart for so long, earning her a soft moan from Piper as she slipped her tongue inside her mouth.

And right there and then, as Alex got lost in Piper's touch, her soft lips and warm touch against her skin, Alex _forgot_. She forgot that she was supposed to be _worried_. She forgot that she was supposed to be _hating herself_ right now. She forgot that she just did to Piper something she could never _undo_ no matter how much she tried _._

And as Piper made her come, again and again and _again_ , Alex forgot just a little bit _more._

-o-o-o-

Alex _tried._ She really fucking did.

But maybe life wasn't really supposed to happen to Alex the way she wanted it to. Because without ever really admitting it to herself, she's truly lost _control_ over her _need_ to use drugs. And it would have probably been okay if Piper wasn't involved. But every time Piper asked for it and Alex refused, Piper would just tell her that she'd just do it _herself_. And just to make sure that Piper didn't hurt herself even _more_ (or that's just what she needed to think to feel less _guilty_ ), Alex would eventually _cave_ and inject her with the damn drugs _again_.

So the next time Piper asked for it again, the next time she wanted to experience the _high_ another time, Alex would once again lose control and decide to give in. And it happened another time, and _another time_ , and _another time_ , until everything had become a usual occurrence, like it was the most normal thing for them, being high and wasted all the time, becoming oblivious to everyone and everything around them except each other's presence.

-o-o-o-

Piper was almost two hours late when she got to Red's. If this was a couple of weeks ago, she would have been dreading to face Red, and trying to come up with a number of reasons to tell her why she's late. But today is not a couple of weeks ago and today Piper just didn't give a single _fuck_ anymore.

She was about to go inside the storage room when Red surprisingly block her way and gave her a glare she's never been at the end of before. "You're late. _Again_." Red stressed the last word as if Piper didn't even know about it. "What's your reason this time?"

"I slept in," Piper said nonchalantly. "Sorry," she added, not even trying to sound as if she _meant_ it. She looked around her, looking mighty bored about this conversation.

And it pissed Red even more. "You slept in? That why your eyes are bloodshot red and your bags are screaming as if you've never had a proper sleep in god knows how long?"

Piper breathed deeply, trying to control the anger that was slowly bubbling up inside her. "What do you want me to say, Red? 'Sorry, I won't do it again.'? Or do you want me to take another unpaid shift?"

"Chapman, you listen to me," Red started, and it was obvious how much she was seething. She pointed her finger at Piper, wanting her message to come across more clearly because _listening_ seemed to be something Piper didn't know how to do these days. "I tried to understand you the first few times because I knew you were going through something. But I am _done_ putting up with your _shit_. If you—"

"Hey, Ma." Nicky suddenly interrupted, holding Red's arm as she guided it down. She looked at Piper who was still just standing there, unaffected by anything Red just said, before looking back at Red. "I'll talk to her. Just... calm down, okay?"

"You better shake that blondie's head back into sanity or I swear to God I'm gonna kick her ass out of here," warned Red before turning her back towards Nicky and Piper as she walked to her office.

"Come here," Nicky said as she dragged Piper into the storage room. "Chapman, what the fuck is going on with you?! Do you want to be out of job? This is like the millionth time you've been late. And if you're not late, you miss work. Jesus Christ."

"You know if she wants to kick me out, then fine with me. I don't really care anymore."

"And that's the whole fucking problem. You've stopped caring. _Again_." Nicky rubbed her face out of frustration. She'd been trying to knock some sense into Piper and Alex ever since she found out they've been _both_ using like fucking drug addicts, but Piper would only listen to Alex. And Alex, well Alex hasn't talked to her in weeks now, still thinking she was the one who told Piper about the drugs. "Piper, you were supposed to drag Alex out of this, not _join_ her. What the hell happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Look, I gotta go to wor—"

"No." Nicky said as she held tightly on Piper's arm to keep her from walking away. "We are gonna sort this shit out right fucking now," she said firmly before sighing and finally letting out what she really felt about all these. "I'm _really_ worried about you two. Will you please, please just try and listen to me? Piper, you both are killing yourselves with what you're doing. I've barely seen the two of you sober. What good is this doing to you?"

Piper seemed to want to dismiss Nicky's question but ended up sighing as she grasped Nicky's shoulder firmly. "Nicky, Alex and I are fine. We've never been better. She's not having nightmares anymore. And I haven't even thought about my shitty mother in a while, well until now anyway," Piper chuckled but Nicky just looked at her as if she couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. "You don't need to worry about us, okay?" She then pulled Nicky into a hug and kissed the side of her head before she started walking past the bushy-haired woman.

"Piper..." Nicky looked at Piper with pleading eyes, hoping this time, it would get _through_ her and not make Nicky feel as if she was talking to some soulless person when she would look Piper in the eyes.

"Nicky," Piper said, with finality in her tone, her eyes still blank with emotions as they were before. "I promise. We're okay." And she walked out of the room leaving Nicky feeling frustrated and worried like she's never felt before.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper were sitting on the floor with their backs pressed against the back of Alex's couch when Nicky walked in. They were both laughing so damn hard, obviously high out of their minds again and didn't even notice Nicky's presence until she cleared her throat catching both their attentions.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Alex immediately asked, her laugh dying down as she looked at who just came in her house.

"I came here to see how you two are doing," Nicky answered calmly as she took in her surroundings. It's been a while since she came in here trying to avoid Alex and seeing it for the first time in weeks, _surprised_ wouldn't even come close to describing how she felt at the moment. This wasn't the place she used to see. Even if Alex wasn't here before, she always made sure that it still looked like _home_ because it's what Alex wanted. It's what she knew her mom would've wanted if she was still alive.

But now, it looked like a place that had been abandoned for so long. There were leftovers at almost every place she would lay her eyes on, clothes and dishes left unwashed. The smell was almost even worse, the stink of all of that mixed with the smell of alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, heroin and any other drugs Nicky could think of wafting through the air.

"We're fucking fine, we don't need anyone looking out for us like we're some fucking children."

" _Hey_ ," Piper finally cut in as she _finally_ noticed the tension between Alex and Nicky. "What is going on here?" She tried to stand up but failed to do so causing her to land on her butt. "I fucking fell," she told Alex and Nicky as she laughed like crazy, as if they didn't witness what just happened.

Alex joined in on the laughter as she steadied Piper. "Yeah, you did."

"Anyway, Nicky," Piper then said, giving up on standing up as she looked at Nicky who was still standing over them, "how are things going on with you and Lorna? I saw you two earlier today and you two were so cute!" She then looked at Alex, waiting for her to second what she just said. "Aren't they cute, Al?"

Alex scoffed. "They're stupid for being in a relationship when they both know Lorna is gonna get married to _another_ person anyway," Alex said with a humourless laugh, not even bothering to look at Nicky.

"Alex!" Piper half-scolded her girlfriend before shooting Nicky an apologetic look. "Sorry, she's just a little edgy."

"Oh, really? The drugs didn't take the edge off yet?" Alex _finally_ looked at Nicky, but it was with so much hatred Nicky was almost taken aback. She's never been at the other end when Alex gave this look. Ever since they became friends, they've never had any big arguments or misunderstanding. When they would get into some petty fights, eventually they would go back to the way they usually were, forgetting what had happened as if it didn't even happen in the first place.

But this, whatever Alex was feeling towards her right now was going on for weeks and Nicky hated it. She _missed_ the old Alex. She missed her best friend and she came in here hoping she'd get her back, but with what's currently going on, she now realized how _tough_ that was gonna be.

She really wanted to be calm about this, but she couldn't stop the anger that was now building inside of her. It wasn't because of what Alex said about her and Lorna, even if it hit her like a huge rock knowing it was _true_ , but because she felt helpless over this. She had been thinking about this every day, coming up with ideas on how to shake Piper, and _especially Alex,_ from this sanity for as long as she could remember, causing her a lot of sleepless nights, but she still has come up empty.

"What's going on with you two?" Piper asked, confused as to what was happening between Alex and Nicky. She was a bit surprised coz she hasn't noticed anything wrong with them before this. Not that she's noticed _anything_ other than Alex for a while, though.

"She's mad at me because she thinks I told you about the damn fucking drugs," answered Nicky, who wasn't looking at Piper, but at Alex who was shooting daggers at her.

"What?" Piper looked at Alex who only looked back at her briefly. "No, she did not. I found out myself. You suck at hiding things from me, you know that." Piper again laughed, but this time Alex didn't join in. So she decided to rest her head on Alex's shoulder, feeling her girlfriend's body tense.

"So what now? You're really both doing this? This has what your life has come to?"

"Why don't you mind your fucking business and just get the fuck out of here?"

"Alex, I'm not an enemy here." Nicky didn't know why or if she even saw it right, but Alex's glare had suddenly softened, and all she could see in her eyes was _exhaustion_ , as if she was just too damn tired of it all.

"I know, Nicky," she said softly, her voice toning down a little but still with a little edge on it. "But I know how to take care of myself. And I know how to take care of Piper," her voice cracked and she had to swallow hard before she could speak again. "So, I need you to just go."

-o-o-o-

"Nicky, you're worrying yourself too much over this." Lorna said as Nicky sat beside her frustratingly. They were both at the blonde's place and Lorna could feel the tension and worry from Nicky. She wasn't used to seeing her like this. Usually, she would just joke around no matter what the situation was but right now, she really looked distraught.

"Look, you don't understand," Nicky started, her elbows on the table as she massaged her temples. "Alex, she's not just my best friend. She's..." she swallowed her, feeling a lump in her throat start to form, "...she's fucking _family._ And I just... I don't know how to pull her out of this."

Lorna just rubbed Nicky's back, not knowing what to say. She had seen how Piper and Alex were drastically changing. And it terrified her, too, because it wasn't just some petty difference that she's noticed. They weren't themselves anymore. They were too far gone and she understood why Nicky was scared because she, too, couldn't see how they could still bring back the Alex and Piper they both knew.

"It's my fault," Nicky suddenly blurted out, "this is all my fucking fault!" She then connected her fist against the table with too much force which startled Lorna.

"Hey, hey!" the brunette said, calming her. She took Nicky's hand as she pulled her body towards her, enveloping her with her arms. "It's not your fault, Nick. You've done everything you could. This is on _them_ now."

"I can't just leave them alone," Nicky said weakly, letting Lorna's warmth calm her even just slightly. "I have to do _something_. I can't let them do this, Lorna. I have to get them back. I can't... I can't lose my best friend."

-o-o-o-

When Nicky left, Piper could still feel the tension radiating off of Alex's body. So she suddenly climbed onto her lap and straddled her as she brought their lips together quite hardly. "Hey, baby. You have to relax, okay?"

Alex was a little reluctant kissing Piper back at first, still feeling all her mixed emotions towards Nicky. She knew she wasn't really mad at her. Even before Piper told her that Nicky hasn't told her about the drugs, she already knew that Nicky wouldn't do that to her. But she had to make herself believe that because she wanted to get mad. She _needed_ to get mad. She really didn't understand why but these days, she really didn't want to understand _anything_ anymore.

But Piper was persistent as she kissed her even harder, gripping her head in place so she couldn't move away. She could feel Piper lick her bottom lip as if asking for entrance and so Alex opened her mouth, allowing Piper's tongue to explore the insides of her mouth.

"Forget about Nicky," Piper said, starting to get breathless from the kiss, "Forget about _everything_ else." As her tongue battled with Alex's, she slid one of her hands down, groping Alex's breast against the material of her shirt causing Alex to arch her body into her touch. "It's just you and me, babe. _You and me."_

And it was all the convincing Alex needed to hear. The anger she was feeling just moments ago, the sadness she had feeling as if she was slowly losing her best friend, were instantly replaced by her pure lust towards her girlfriend who was now moving against her so their centers were being pressed together. Desire shot through Alex as she fisted Piper's hair, her mouth trailing downwards until she was full-on biting and sucking on her neck, only to ease the pleasurable pain with her tongue.

Getting frustrated by the offending material that was Piper's shirt, Alex let go of the blonde's hair so she could take it off from Piper. When it got stuck on Piper's head, she forcefully ripped the shirt open and threw it on the side, stopping Piper so she could look at her.

"I liked that shirt."

"I don't give a fuck. Just kiss me," Alex said, her breathing ragged. Her lips were then met by Piper's again and they stayed like that for a while, feeling each other's flesh against their lips and palms, getting too overwhelmed by how much each other's touch could make them go crazy about each other. "Where do you wanna go?" Alex suddenly asked, her fingers rolling and pinching one of Piper's nipples while she sucked on the other.

"What?" asked Piper confused, unable to think clearly because of the things Alex's tongue and hands were doing to her.

"Where do you wanna go? Anywhere in this world?" Alex asked again, all the while busying her hands with Piper's breasts that fit them perfectly, while she peppered kisses all over her face and jaws and neck.

"I... I don't know," Piper stuttered, as she kept rocking on Alex's lap creating a friction between their heats, feeling a pool of wetness gather between her legs. "Anywhere... anywhere with you," Piper sucked air through her teeth as Alex's mouth found her breast's mound again, biting it a little before circling her tongue around it. " _Fuck, Alex._ "

Alex's hands now travelled towards Piper's shorts and she tugged on them. "Take this off." Piper complied, taking her underwear with it and she settled herself back on Alex's lap, resulting to Alex inhaling sharply as she felt Piper's wet center. "You're so fucking _hot."_ Alex, who had by now taken her clothes off, too, whispered on Piper's ear before biting on her earlobe.

Shivers went down Piper's spine and she felt as if she was gonna come undone just by hearing her girlfriend's voice. " _Alex..."_ Piper said, _hissed_ , knowing if Alex still didn't touch her where she wanted her to, she was gonna go insane. "Alex, I need you."

Alex noted the desperation in Piper's voice so instead of teasing her even more like she usually did, her hands travelled downward until she could feel Piper's wetness on her fingers. " _Tell me where you wanna go,"_ she whispered again, her fingers swiping Piper's clit up and down.

"I don't..." Piper hopelessly started, trying to make her brain function despite the pure and animalistic desire coursing through her veins as she felt Alex's fingers play with her wet center.

 _"Where?"_ Alex asked sharply, surprising Piper as she entered her with two long, dexterous fingers.

" _Fuck!"_ Piper screamed, unprepared of what Alex just did. Her girlfriend then pulled her fingers all the way out, until she entered her again, this time a little rougher. " _FUCK, Alex!"_ Piper buried her head at the crook of Alex's neck and bit on her shoulder, stopping herself from screaming. _"Bali!"_

She then said, finally realizing one of the places she's been wanting to visit ever since Alex told her stories about the places she's travelled to. She knew there were probably other places she should've chosen, but there's something about Bali that seemed to pull at Piper.

"You wanna go to Bali?" asked Alex again, her fingers not relenting as she slid in and out of Piper hard and fast, bringing the blonde closer and closer to the edge.

"Yes," Piper answered quickly, her breathing getting laboured and laboured as she neared her impending orgasm. "Yesss..." she once again whispered, as she was now riding Alex's fingers, her own hands gripping Alex's head before crashing her lips onto hers. "Alex, I'm so _close._ "

This only fuelled Alex's desire to bring Piper to her release. _"Let go, babe,"_ she told Piper as she added another finger before curling them inside her, hitting Piper right where she needed her to. She then felt Piper's walls clench tight against her fingers and she knew it was only a matter of seconds before Piper would go tumbling over the edge.

" _Al, I'm cumming... I'm cumming, I'm cumming!"_ Piper screamed, all the while meeting Alex's fingers thrust per thrust, and before she could say another word, she felt something inside her explode as she finally let go, her orgasm hitting her like it never did before. " _Fuck,"_ she mumbled into Alex's neck, as her girlfriend helped her come down from her high, still pumping her fingers inside her until she slowly slid them out of her. She then took Alex's hand as she wiped them clean, tasting herself from them.

Arousal shot through Alex seeing Piper do that, so she again brought their lips together before Piper pressed her forehead against her. "Do you wanna go to Bali?"

"What?" Piper said, unable to process her girlfriend's question as exhaustion started taking over her body.

Not wanting to repeat her question and afraid to take the risk that Piper might say no, Alex took the chance to tell Piper what she'd been wanting to do for as long as she could remember, "We're going to Bali," – and that was to fulfil a promise she'd once told Piper when she told her she'd take her far away from this damn place.

Now, she had the chance. And she was going to fucking take it.

-o-o-o-

 **A/N and SHOUTOUTS:**

Yes, next chapter, they're going to Bali!

So, I received way more reviews for the last chapter than I usually got. So please bear with this long ass shoutout section. I love you people way too much. *hugs and kisses*

And also, not gonna promise a quick update after this one. I will try to update like the usual (after one week) but at this point, that seems unlikely, so please bear with me beautiful people.

 **elliellie1,** Whoah, plot twist indeed, man! Thank you for the compliment! That was sweet. =)

 **luuuandrade,** Sorry if this story is worrying you. Please smile. Haha. Thank you for the review! =)

 **sara lance,** OH YES I DID. Hahaha. Sorry! I didn't mean that chapter. The next chapter is going to be a breather. But I know you won't believe me now so why bother? Haha! Thank you again, you've always been so nice. =)

 **vausegasm,** I am so sorry! I didn't mean to give you a migraine but I'm glad I did coz it seems that my evil plan is working. Haha! Just kidding. I'm not sure if I should apologize for giving you an even more fucked up version of Alex and Piper, tell me if I should and I will. =) You are obviously raging but hopefully you will be calm while reading this new chapter because it's not as angsty as the previous one. Haha. As usual, I loved your review and you still make me smile despite all the yelling hahaha. Sorry this update took long. =)

 **Joey2920,** Sorry that I gave you yet again another sad chapter. Here's another update, I'm not sure it's gonna answer your question but hopefully you'd still find it worth reading. =)

 **Phantomjazz,** I am glad that you do! No cliff hanger for this chapter, I believe? Haha. Thank you for your review! =)

 **Guest (who wants me to slap vauseman lol),** Thank you! I will do my best to give each of them a slap, but as of now, please bare with me. Good things come to people who wait, right? =)

 **WB79,** Haha, thank you for your review. And here's some more, hope you like it! =)

 **Guest (who hated this chapter),** I'm sorry! But thank you for thinking it was well-written. Still sorry that you hated it, though. =(

 **Kojojo,** Thank you for that review but I'm afraid I can't answer your question right now. You will find out soon enough, though. =)

 **TinyGuitarist,** That is one of the biggest compliments I have ever received and thank you so much! I'm smiling like an idiot right now and this will never go away for days. Haha. =)

 **Budda1127,** Wow, your review was so awesome I don't even know what to say anymore other than a great, big THANK YOU! That was seriously one of the best reviews I've ever received and I can never thank you enough for it. Love you! =)

 **Skye9598,** Oh my gosh, I am so freaking sorry. I wasn't trying to give you major migraine, just wanted to evoke a little emotion from you but I guess I went over the top, eh? Haha! I don't know if I should take that as a compliment that you think my Vauseman version is more fucked up than the one in the series, but I will choose to take it as so. =)) Here's the new update hope you like it!

 **piccolover22,** Yeah, she is! Haha. Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you for that wonderful review! Here's a new one, hope you like it! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Thank you for that wonderful review and for the compliment. Here's the new chapter, hoping that you'll like it, too! =)

 **Shepherdinha,** Twisted love indeed! I'm so happy you like my story despite the angst, it means the world to me! =)

 **luveverythingtv,** About your questions, I want to answer but I also really don't want to. Haha! We all need a little mystery in our life, right? You'll find out soon enough! And sorry for the long wait. Hopefully this chapter will make up for it. =)

 **rach5878,** I'm so happy that you love this story. I'm sorry that the previous chapter was too sad but you never know maybe everything will eventually work out, right? Keep reading and maybe you will get what you want. Haha! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a review! =)

 **schillingarmy,** I hope I have answered your question through this chapter. And yes, angst is what I live for, I'm glad you approve. Haha! And thank you so much for that wonderful review, you just made me blush! =)

 **Grumpy and Emma,** Who wouldn't be able to read this anymore given that they'd said they couldn't continue reading Shattered after last chapter, but just in case you come looking, thank you! =)

 **Jill57,** I understand if you decide to not finish this story any longer, but I'd really appreciate it if you give it another chance. If not, then let me just thank you for reaching up until the previous chapter. =)

 **RJVause,** Thank you very much. And yeah, Nicky is really gonna be there for them no matter what happens so there's that. Thank you for the amazing review and hopefully you like this one, too. =)

 **moanzs,** I AM SO SORRY! For making you cry and yell but I guess that really was the purpose of the previous chapter. Haha! Kidding. =) "When are you going to need me, too?" is one line I've been wanting to use here ever since and I'm glad a number of you liked it as well. I know the angst is too much but please bear with me. No spoilers on what's gonna happen in the future and hopefully you will have the heart to find it out for yourself. Haha. Have a great day, my friend!

 **Guest (who hates Alex),** Alex says sorry. =( Lol kidding. And they are indeed messed up. Sorry for the stress this story is causing you. Here's some brownies for you =))

 **izzielg,** Thank you very much for thinking that it was well written despite its _strangeness._ Haha. Hope this new chapter is a lot less strange. =)

 **Guest (who actually really loved the previous chapter),** Wow, thank you! I'm sorry that it has upset you though, it is kinda needed in this story. Haha. I hope this chapter answered your previous thoughts about how Alex was gonna react to what happened. I'm glad you liked what I did with the chapter and hopefully you like this one as well. =)

 **SheriLovey,** Glad you saw something positive from the previous chapter even though it was reeking with so much negativity! Haha. And I get it, we're all emotional freaks when it comes to Vauseman. =) Sorry though that I couldn't update sooner. I tried but life got in the way. And thank you for considering me as one of your favourite authors here on ff. That means a lot to me. *cries* Yeah, I love replying to your reviews, it feels like talking to you and it's awesome!

 **Guest (Please please please),** Hm, you can find out yourself by reading til the end, right? Lol. Sorry I don't wanna give out any "spoilers" but it doesn't mean they won't end up together. Doesn't mean they will, too. Again, you just have to find out yourself.

 **huggerguest,** I'm so sorry for breaking your heart into a thousand pieces then into million ones. I will try to make it up to you some time in the future! I'm glad you liked that line as I loved it, too. Haha. And being this as the most intense in a long time, I hope that's a god thing even just slightly =) Nicky will have a big role in that. Thank you for your reviews!

 **Anabanana,** Thank you so much! I'm so sorry about the previous chapter being heart breaking, though. And I hope you'll be able to finish this. Again, thanks very much for taking the time to leave a review.

 **Marauder-Lu,** I'm so glad you liked the previous chapter _a lot_. That means so much to me. =) Sorry for the rollercoaster of emotions, though. Haha. Thank you again and hopefully you like this one, too.

 **jo michael,** Hi there! I know, too much drama in the previous chapter. I tried to tone it down this chapter but I don't know if I succeeded. Haha. Thank you so much, I'm happy that you still think it was amazing despite its _darkness_. You are too sweet, you're the incredible one and I'm so happy I've met you through this site and we've become _friends_ even just through these exchange of messages. =) And I love you, too, and your reviews. I'm glad you liked my Laylor fics. Although I'm not sure if I still want to write those kinds. Haha. Anyway, life is good, and I hope yours is, too. Have a great day!

 **Vausemaniac,** It's such a relief to know that you're still going to keep reading despite too much angst going on here. I'm also happy that you liked that line coz it's also one of my faves. Haha. Anyway, you can leave a one-word review and I will still be very thankful so you don't need to apologize. I'm just happy you left one. So thank you! =)

 **Alexvausefan,** I don't usually give out spoilers, but that may or may not happen. Hahaha. Yeah, I really hate spoilers. Thank you, though! =)


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:**

Apologizing in advance (especially to all of my readers who live in Indonesia) for any mistakes/inaccuracies I may have made as I've never been to Bali. I tried to be as accurate as possible but if I committed massive mistakes, please let me know. Thank you!

I can safely say that no mention of drugs in this chapter (actually no, that's a lie. there are some, but I don't think you'd mind), this is just fluff and happy Vauseman. I think it's time you deserved a break from every pain this fic has caused you. Haha. And this is only the first part of Bali. I'm pretty sure you'd get more Bali next chapter.

So, enjoy!

I still don't own anything.

 **15**

" _...when my world was dark and blue, I know the only one who rescued me was you..."_

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper was about to leave for the airport when the blonde noticed her girlfriend hesitating to leave the house. "Babe? What's wrong? Are you having second thoughts of leaving now?"

"No," Alex shook her head adamantly. "I just... do you think you can wait for me for a while here? I just need to go see Nicky."

Piper raised an eyebrow at her before shrugging her shoulders. "Of course." She smiled widely because Alex had finally decided to talk to Nicky. She'd been talking her into it for days now, wanting the two best friends to finally make up and it seemed like Alex had finally listened to her. "But you gotta be quick, I don't wanna be late for our flight."

"No, yeah. I won't take long." She then went to her room to grab something. When she came out, she kissed Piper before hurrying out towards Nicky's, somewhere she hasn't visited in weeks.

While Alex walked towards Nicky's place, she contemplated on what to tell her. She knew she had been an asshole towards her even though she knew that Nicky was just looking out for her. But it was like the only way she could keep making herself believe that she wasn't doing anything wrong was to keep lashing out at her best friend, no matter how stupid that sounded. No matter how stupid that actually was.

But now, she missed her. And no matter how much she denied it to herself, her life was never going to be the same without Nicky in it. So before she and Piper left, she decided to finally stop being a dick and reach out to the person who's only been there for her ever since she could remember. And she knew that today was the _best_ day to do that.

When she reached Nicky's house, Alex couldn't bring herself to knock on her door as soon as she should have. She and Nicky weren't like _this_. They hated _drama_. They weren't fans of serious talks or unexpected confrontations, but realizing that all they've done for the last couple of months were those things, she finally brought her hand up and tapped her fist against the door.

Nicky opened up a few seconds later and Alex didn't fail to notice the surprise etched on her face when she saw who her visitor was.

"Happy birthday," Alex said timidly, and _uncharacteristically_ , before lifting her hand holding the gift she'd decided to buy Nicky.

Alex couldn't make out Nicky's expression, but when she's finally gotten over her surprise at the unannounced visit, she took Alex's gift and mumbled a soft "Thanks." She then gestured for Alex to get inside her house, and followed suit after Alex was finally in.

They stayed quiet for a while, waiting for each other to speak first, both not knowing how to really _start_. But when Alex finally noticed that Nicky wasn't going to say the first word and that she was actually waiting for _her_ to say something, she finally decided to speak first. "Uhh, Piper and I... we're leaving for Bali." Alex knew there were other things she could've said first but it was the first thing she could think of so she just decided to say it anyway.

"Oh," Nicky said nodding her head, her expression still unreadable. "When?"

"Right now."

"Right now?" Nicky then asked, no longer hiding her surprise, and probably her _disappointment_ , her voice _a lot louder_ than it was before. "On my fucking birthday? Are you serious?"

Nicky was honestly surprised to see Alex when she opened her door to her. But realizing why Alex must have come, she felt hope rise in her chest thinking that maybe Alex had finally come around and realized all the mistakes she'd been making with Piper the last couple of weeks, _months_ even. She felt almost _happy_ , because maybe Alex wasn't too far gone as she thought.

And _maybe_ she _chose_ this day to come to her because Nicky still mattered to her... that _maybe_ she could still remember how important it was for Nicky to celebrate this day with the most important people in her life, her and Red, and that _maybe_ she wouldn't want to miss it for the world.

But _fuck maybe's._ That word always worked against Nicky.

"I tried to rebook the flight but it was too late," Alex quickly said, guilt evident on her face.

"Why'd you have to rebook in the first place when you could've just chosen another day to leave when you booked the flight?"

"I di—" Alex looked down, knowing full well why... and knowing Nicky would eventually figure it out herself.

"Oh right," Nicky nodded, a dangerous and humourless grin forming on her mouth. "You were fucking _high_ again. That's why you didn't remember. Of fucking course."

"Nick, I'm really trying here."

"No, you're not. You're really, really not," she replied sharply, unable to stop the anger and _hurt_ that she was feeling at the moment. "You know what? Just go, Vause." She then turned her back on Alex, her right arm on her hip while her left one brushed her hair exasperatedly. Alex's gift on her hand felt weightless, not because it was really light, but because right now, it felt as if it didn't really mean anything at all.

"Nicky..." Alex said pleadingly, not expecting for this visit to turn out like this.

Nicky breathed deeply, trying to calm her nerves and push the hurt deep, deep down her. Alex made the first move. She _came_ here. It was better than nothing. And right now, that should matter to Nicky _enough._ So she slowly turned around and gave Alex a weak smile, "I understand. Thank you," she then lifted her hand holding Alex's gift, "for this. Have a safe flight."

-o-o-o-

Piper never liked flying. Hell, she was _terrified_ of it. She didn't know where that fear came from but she knew it was from when she was still a child. So before she and Alex boarded the plane, she was confident that the fear was already gone and that she was over it. But the moment she was seated, her heart started beating fast and she felt as if she could almost throw up any minute.

So to say that the 21-hour flight to Bali was taxing to Piper, would be a massive understatement. The blonde was antsy almost the whole damn time thinking that the plane would crash. And all the while, she kept wishing that she had _something_ to take the edge off but since that was not an option during their flight, she settled on focusing on Alex's hand, holding on to it with a bone-crushing grip. And Piper was so thankful that even though she was so close to breaking her girlfriend's hand into pieces, she did not receive a single complaint from her.

Instead, Alex worked hard on having Piper focus on anything other than the fact that they were a million miles up by telling her every story she could think of, telling her to look right into her eyes and Piper was glad that she did, because those emerald green eyes were always capable of calming her down. Alex made sure she did this until Piper was exhausted enough to finally be able to fall asleep.

A few moments before the plane was landing, Alex decided to finally wake Piper up, whose head was resting on her shoulder, arms wrapped around Alex's. "Babe, time to wake up. We're almost there." She kissed the top of Piper's head as Piper started stirring.

When Piper opened her eyes, she blinked a few times, reacquainting her eyes and body with her surroundings. When she's fully woken up and finally realized where she was, she looked up at Alex who already had her eyes on her, her smile so beautiful Piper couldn't help but mimic it. "We're in Bali?"

Alex leaned down and pressed her lips to Piper who kissed her back eagerly, "Yes, baby. We're in Bali."

-o-o-o-

It was night time when Piper and Alex arrived at the hotel they were staying in. Standing at the interior entrance of the hotel, Piper couldn't help but be awed at the beautiful stoned walls and staircases leading up inside. Those staircases were filled with numerous small lamps, illuminating the entire property ground of the luxurious hotel. "Alex, this place is beautiful," she commented, looking around the place with eyes wide and a smile even wider.

"But we're not even inside yet," answered Alex, who wrapped her arm around Piper's shoulder, leading her towards their hotel room, followed by one of the hotel staff carrying their luggage for the entire trip.

When they reached their room, Piper had to contain her excitement at the sight around her until she was left alone with Alex. "Oh my God," she exclaimed, leaving Alex to run towards the wooden terrace just outside their room, overlooking the massive ocean, illuminated by the millions of stars above it. The terrace had a low bed at the side, the whole place adorned by magnificent lights hanging from the beautiful trees surrounding the place. A few steps away was a beautiful, huge private infinity pool, a luxury only the most expensive rooms in the hotel had. She took in the sight in front of her before turning around to go back inside their room, when she was met by Alex, ignoring everywhere around her as her focus was solely on her. Piper felt her heart beat faster at the look Alex was giving her, her eyes filled with so much love and admiration.

"You like it?" the raven-haired asked, drawing herself closer to Piper who met her with slow steps.

"I _love_ it," Piper answered when she reached Alex, her arms immediately snaking around Alex's waist, as her girlfriend cupped her face and looked straight right into her eyes. "And I love you." She then tilted her head slightly upwards, so she could meet Alex's lips and they stayed like that for a while, the burden of everything and everyone they left at home, instantly forgotten.

"I love you _more_ ," answered Alex when they pulled away, her hands resting on Piper's.

"Na-uh," Piper shook her head. "Not possible."

Alex quirked her eyebrows at Piper playfully, as she brought Piper's arms to wound more tightly around her, bringing their bodies even closer. "Hm, are you challenging me, Chapman?"

"What if I am?" Piper answered back, her mouth only inches from Alex's ear as she whispered, before she bit on it lightly, causing Alex to shut her eyes and let out a soft moan.

"Then I'm gonna prove you wrong," Alex answered, her voice raspier and an octave lower, as she turned them both around until she was kissing Piper fervently while she slightly pushed her towards the huge bed residing in the middle of the room.

Piper yelped out a high and child-like scream as her back hit the bed, Alex's body falling on top of hers, before she laughed playfully and brought her lips towards Alex's again. "Now? Aren't you jetlagged or something?"

"Why? Do you want me to stop?" Alex asked, giving Piper a challenging look before she started sucking and biting onto the blonde's neck, her hands crawling underneath her girlfriend shirt.

"No..." answered Piper, the feeling of being in Alex's warmth, giving her more high than any other thing there was in this world.

-o-o-o-

Alex woke up to wet chaste kisses being pressed all over her face. She slowly smiled and opened one eye open, peering at the beautiful blonde hovering over her. "Well, good morning to me." Piper just smiled at her returning her gaze lovingly. "What time is it?" Piper then turned sheepish, still keeping her mouth shut, causing Alex to raise her brows at her before reaching for her phone beside her to look at the time. "Six o'clock?! Ugh, Piper what the hell are you doing waking me up this early?"

Piper turned on the charm as she lowered herself on top of Alex, pressing her chin in the middle of her chest as she looked at her. "I wanna start exploring," she said like a kid waiting for her request to be granted.

"Pipes," Alex groaned, looking away because she knew she could never say no to Piper once she gave her that look. "The reason I bought two one-way tickets is for us to be able to stay here as long as you want. That needs we don't need to hurry."

"But I wanna go now. Please?" Piper asked as she lifted her weight to be able to look Alex in the eye. She gave Alex her most effective doe-eyed look ever because she knew just how powerful that worked over her. It had never failed before and it was not failing now.

"Don't give me that look. It's not working this time," Alex scolded her lightly before shutting her eyes, because _of course_ it's working again. She then held onto Piper before turning so Piper was now lying on her side.

"Babyyyy," Piper insisted, shuffling closer to Alex's arms. "I'll do anything you want me to do in the shower if you get up now," she then whispered, her voice low and seductive as she slowly inched her face closer to Alex.

Alex chuckled as she opened her eyes again. "Do you think that I have the libido of a teenage boy to grab that opportunity in exchange for this warm, soft bed?" she asked Piper as she stretched her right arm, gesturing towards the king-sized bed.

"Yes. And I don't just think it, I _know_ it. And I also know just how much you love me and will do anything for me," Piper smiled widely at Alex, knowing just how close she was to getting what she wanted.

Alex tried to fight it off, even when she could feel Piper's warm breath against her, even when she could almost feel her lips brushing slightly against her own. But then Piper finally kissed her and her resolve had instantly melted away, the need to cater to all Piper's wishes trumping her own wants and needs. She smiled into the kiss as she opened her eyes. "You... are a terrible person."

Piper squealed, realizing she had won this one again, before throwing her arms around her girlfriend's neck, peppering her face with wet, sloppy kisses. "And you are the _best_ girlfriend ever!"

"I'm your _only_ girlfriend, dumbass," Alex retorted back, as she watched Piper get off the bed.

Piper then looked back at her and gave her a knowing look. "Who said I only have one?"

Alex gasped playfully, faking a surprised look. "You wouldn't!"

Piper then pulled Alex up as she kissed her on the cheek. "Of course you're my one and only," she said jokingly, but knowing deep down just how much she meant it. "Come on, time for shower!"

Alex could only oblige as she lifted her legs off the bed towards the floor, letting Piper drag her towards the bathroom, her smile reaching her ears at the sight of her girlfriend looking so damn _happy_.

-o-o-o-

After Alex and Piper took their time in the shower, Piper fulfilling her earlier promise to her girlfriend, they went down for breakfast getting served by only the best Balinese cuisines. Piper loved the food so much, especially the Nasi Goreng, the mix of different spices settling well on her taste buds. She made Alex promise that it wouldn't be the last time she would eat that and Alex, ever the obliging girlfriend, promised her just that.

Afterwards, they visited the beach just outside their hotel briefly, enjoying the serenity of the ocean at this early hour, making sure to enjoy it as soon as they could.

Their first stop, Alex decided was to climb the famous Mount Batur, a volcanic mountain that rose over a lake which beautifully mirrored it. Alex had only been there once, but didn't really do much climbing, thinking it was too much of an _exercise_ for her. But after Piper insisted that they both did it, she once again gave in.

They climbed the mountain slowly, their backpacks in tow, Piper taking in everything she could see, snapping pictures at every interesting thing she could find, sometimes at an unaware Alex, catching her in her most raw and unguarded self, a sight Piper thought made Alex more beautiful than she normally was. Alex regretted that they didn't do this earlier so Piper could've seen the sunrise, but knowing they could come back anytime they wanted anyway, she just decided to enjoy the walk with her girlfriend, surprised that she was actually loving the _climb_.

"Okay, here's another one," Alex said as she again thought of another _Would You Rather_ question. "Would you rather drink piss or eat shit?"

"Ew, that's so gross!" Piper said as she grimaced, the thought of either choice making her want to hurl everything she's eaten today. "Why do you always have to give me these kinds of choices?"

"Coz that's the beauty of the game, to make you choose between two options you wouldn't even consider if you had a choice to _back out_."

"No, it's not!" Piper retorted, not buying her girlfriend's bullshit.

Alex just laughed. "I know. But what if it is?"

"Well then, I'm choosing to back out. Jesus, just the thought of that makes me wanna barf."

"Ah you are such a kill joy, come on just answer the fucking question."

Piper glared at Alex which Alex just answered her with a chuckle. "Fine! Uhm, drink piss, of course. That sounds a lot less crazy than eating shit."

"Yeah, it's just like swallowing cum, you know."

"Alex!" Piper said, blood filling her cheeks, to which Alex just guffawed at. "You're crazy."

"And what does that say about you since you love me?" Alex smirked at Piper earning her a shake of her girlfriend's head.

"Probably a _lot_ crazier," Piper answered, but finally with a smile etched on her lips. "Okay, I have one. Would you rather sleep with a guy or never sleep with any girl again?"

Alex chuckled at the absurdity of the question, but definitely a lot less absurd than her previous question, but decided to answer it anyway. "I would rather never sleep with any girl again."

Piper, surprised at Alex's answer, stopped on her tracks and looked at Alex. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Alex said, looking at Piper like she's lost her mind. "Why would I wanna sleep with any girl when I already have you?" she asked, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Piper resumed walking, her hands still enveloped by Alex's hand, their shoulders brushing against each other as they walked. "Well, I am a _girl_ so I think I fit that category."

"Oh no, you're not just any girl. You're _my girl_ , _"_ Alex said, already preparing for the onslaught of teases she was gonna get from Piper because of what she just said.

True enough, Piper looked at her open-mouthed, with a slight blush but also with a shit-eating grin. "Alex Vause, you are such a cute little puppy!" Piper exclaimed as she clutched on her chest, looking like she was so touched at what Alex just said knowing how much Alex _hated_ it when she would call on her _sappiness_.

"Uh, can you not? I'm a sexy, badass lesbian."

Piper laughed out loud, not being able to disagree with what Alex just said. "And that, too. _My_ sexy, badass lesbian," she again chuckled lightly, before bringing her face closer to Alex as she kissed her probably for the thousandth time today.

And so they went on like that, walking as they did their favourite thing: exchanging banters and kisses, just enjoying the view just as much as they enjoyed being in each other's presence in such a beautiful place. A few hours later, they finally reached the peak and Piper gasped as she took in the magnificent sight in front of her. "Wow," Piper whispered.

"I know," Alex agreed, seeing it for the first time as well. Seeing the wide lake in front of them, she couldn't help but remember her _own_ lake with Piper and how that place had witnessed so many painful and beautiful memories of her and her girlfriend. But this place, it wasn't a witness of any _pain_ or _suffering_ of them both, it would only see the _happiness_ that she and Piper had at the moment, being in this exquisite place just the two of them, away from all the cruelty that this world had against them.

It was a beautiful sight, Alex thought. But looking at the blonde beside her, smiling like she's never seen her smile before, she knew that right at this very moment, she was looking at the _most_ beautiful sight she would ever look at her entire life.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper explored more afterwards but when they realized that they were too exhausted to even take one step, they decided to go back to their hotel to rest for a bit. "How are we gonna get back?" asked Piper who decided to sit at a sidewalk, afraid that her legs were gonna give up on her if she stood up another second. Alex seemed to think for a bit before her face lit up. "What?"

"Okay, wait here. I'll just make a call."

Piper looked at Alex confused, but before she could even open her mouth to protest, her girlfriend was on her phone speaking to someone. After a while, she ended the call and sat beside Piper. "What was that about?"

"I called for our rides."

"Rides? As in plural?"

"Yes, Piper. Do you need some grammar lessons coz we have plenty of time to do that right now."

"Fuck you," Piper said, shoving Alex a little forcefully.

Alex laughed at her girlfriend before slinging her arm over her shoulder bringing her closer to her. "You know, we really need to work on that temper of yours. If you keep that up, sooner or later you're gonna get into a fight and I don't wanna have to untangle you from whoever you decide to strangle to death when it happens."

Piper smirked as she reached for Alex's hand hanging loosely just below her collarbone. "I don't have a temper. I just get overly emotional sometimes."

"Yeah, right," Alex chuckled before kissing Piper on the cheek.

Suddenly, there was a young boy who was running on the other side of the road. Alex and Piper's attention was suddenly focused on him as he tripped over a rock and fell on his knees, almost hitting his face on the road.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Piper as she immediately stood up and ran towards the boy, who was probably only 6 or 7 years old.

"Hey wait!" Alex said, surprised at Piper's actions but followed suit on the other side of the road. She watched her girlfriend help the young boy up as she checked on his knees which was now bleeding.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you," said Piper to him, in her gentlest voice possible when she noticed the boy tense as she came near him, and Alex felt her chest tighten with so much affection for her girlfriend at the sight. "Babe?" Piper looked up at Alex who was just standing over her and the boy. "Can you get our first-aid kit for me please?"

"Uhh, yeah sure," Alex said, not familiar with this kind of gesture. She usually didn't give a fuck about people she didn't know but her girlfriend was obviously the very opposite as she now catered to the boy who was starting to cry as he saw the blood on his knee. Alex went back to them, now carrying the first-aid kit. "Here." She just stood there awkwardly as Piper started cleaning the boy's wound.

"I'm Piper. What's your name?" Piper asked him, trying to distract him from what she's doing. But the boy just looked at her, not saying a word.

"Pipes, he probably doesn't understand you?"

The boy looked at Alex before looking back at Piper. "Arief."

Piper's face lit up. "Hey, you do understand me!" She then looked at Alex who just shrugged at her. "Arief. That's a really cute name. What are you doing out here on the street alone?"

Piper kept conversing with Arief, her interest unwavering and Alex couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by how much more she's falling in love with this woman by the minute. She was beautiful, and fiery, and so compassionate that Alex just wanted to drown herself in the love she felt for Piper. With how she already felt towards her, Alex actually thought that it was it, that it was not going to get any stronger. But here she was, getting proved wrong yet again.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Piper asked Arief as she finished putting band-aid over his wound. The boy just nodded at her. "You sure you don't want us to bring you to your parents?" Arief nodded again. "Okay, you take care then," Piper said, about to stand up when Arief suddenly flung his arms around her neck. Surprised, Piper looked at Alex, smiling widely at the little guy's gesture before wrapping her own arms to hug him back.

And just like that, the _innocent_ Piper Alex had never seen in so long was back right in front of her eyes and she was suddenly doused with the painful reality that she was the one who took that innocence away from her. Alex _corrupted_ Piper. And now she was faced with the woman she may lose forever if she kept shooting her with those damn drugs.

Lost in her thoughts, Alex hadn't realized that the boy had already left and Piper was already pulling at her arm. "Al?"

"Hey," she said, jerking slightly, before composing herself and smiling fully at Piper. "You done playing doctor with him?" her lips curved up into a smirk.

"Okay, that doesn't sound good," Piper grimaced as she remembered that time Alex used that line on her, resulting to seven mind-blowing orgasms in one night.

Alex just laughed, before she walked with Piper back towards the other side of the street. A few minutes later a pick-up van had stopped before them. A guy, probably in his 50's, then came out, looking at Alex before smiling widely. "Miss Vause!"

"Oh come on, I told you to call me Alex."

"Alex, it's been a long time since I've seen you. I'm glad you're back." It was during that time that he seemed to have finally noticed Piper. "And I believe right here with us is the reason you're back?"

Alex chuckled lightly before pulling Piper closer to her. "This is Piper, my girlfriend."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," Piper extended her arm towards the guy and he graciously accepted it as they shook hands.

"Piper, this is Kevin. I met him the first time I came here. He was nice," she said, jokingly downplaying how great this guy actually was to her before. "And he's here to bring us our rides." She then gestured at the back of the pick-up ride, showing Piper two bicycles that were now getting brought down by Kevin.

Piper looked at Alex excitedly as Alex thanked Kevin before he said goodbye to both of them and wished for them to have as much fun as possible. He then went back to his vehicle and sped away, leaving an excited Piper and her amused girlfriend. "This is so cool! I don't even remember the last time I rode a bicycle!" She then swung her legs over her ride as she started to pedal.

"Okay, be careful!" Alex warned, following Piper.

Soon enough, they were riding their bicycles all over Bali, their exhaustion soon forgotten, as they explored as much as they could. They stopped over for lunch, and Alex decided to let Piper taste some Sate varieties, Alex's favourite Balinese delicacy. They were marinated and skewered grilled meat, served with spicy sauce and Piper had enjoyed it too much she even bought some to eat while they continued to drive their bicycle around Bali, sometimes stopping to talk to some locals. Alex would just observe Piper during these times, taking in her girlfriend's delight from interacting with these people and learning so much about their country, and realizing just how much she _loved_ seeing her this way. It took them about two hours of just cycling around until Piper decided they needed to get some rest.

That same night, they visited Rock Bar at Ayana and splurged on some cocktail. It was a bar perched on a cliff overlooking the sea while waves crashed below it. Alex and Piper stayed at the corner of the bar just talking about everything they could think of, tuning out the rest of the world as everything instantly turned into just _background_. They talked and laughed and kissed and at one point, Alex started playing footsie with Piper under the table and as she saw the blonde's eyes darken with desire, she decided to call it a day and dragged Piper out of there, bringing her back to their hotel.

When they reached their room, Alex didn't waste her time undressing Piper before they could even lay on the bed. They kissed passionately, hands tangling and feeling and exploring each other's bodies as Alex led Piper towards the patio outside their room.

"What are we doing here?" asked Piper, a little confused on why they weren't back _inside._ Alex just smirked at Piper before darting her eyes towards the bed just a few steps away from them. "Here? But Al, people are gonna see us."

"Babe, we are so high up. No one's gonna see us here, our room is as private as it could get. Come on," Alex convinced Piper as she once again pressed her lips onto hers, making Piper forget her reservations about this.

And so Alex laid Piper on the bed as she paid attention to every inch of her body, worshipping every bit. It wasn't like any previous _sex_ they've been having for the last few weeks because _no_ , this wasn't just _sex_. This was _making love_ and Alex made sure that Piper felt every ounce of what she felt towards her, that she would never forget just _how much_ , having the massive ocean and the entirety of the sky filled with stars above them as their witnesses.

And as Alex brought Piper to the edge over and over _again_ , she finally realized just how this should be _enough_ for her, that she didn't need _anything_ else, because _Piper_ was all the _addiction_ she needed to get over anything, because _Piper_ was and would always be all that she would ever need. And if she wanted it to last for as long as she lived, she needed to have to fight off her _other addiction_ that wasn't only ruining her life but Piper's, too _._

And she would. Even if she _died_ trying.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Taylor,** YEY! I hope you like this Bali chapter, thank you very much! =)

 **elliellie1,** Hopefully she will! Haha. Thank you so much, I'm glad you think so! =)

 **Guest ("love this story very much"),** Aw, that's so sweet! Thanks, dear! =)

 **Phantomjazz,** OMG that was such a cute review, haha. Thank you! And I love you =))

 **rach5878,** I'm so sorry that this story is so hard to read, haha. Hopefully, this _lighter_ chapter can kind of make up for that? That was such a wonderful review and very detailed and I liked it so much I read it about three times. Haha. Thank you for such kind words, they mean so much to me! =)

 **Budda1127,** You made me speechless with your review once again. Every observation is on point, and it makes me giddy because you totally get it. I hope this chapter has satisfied you in some ways and I know I can never thank you enough for always taking the time to leave long reviews. I'll try anyway, so thank you so much! Huge hug and lots of kisses thrown in your way! Xoxo =))

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Here's the Bali chapter, yey! Thank you for that awesome review! =)

 **klaudiasurg,** I'm so sorry for everything that's happening to them right now, please bear with me. Haha. Thank you for leaving a review! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** OMG at first I thought you were gonna say you hated the previous chapter! Haha. Thank you, that review put such a huge smile on my face. And here's the new chapter, an early Christmas present for you, hope you like it. Merry Christmas! =))

 **RJVause,** Thank you for still thinking to continue this no matter what is happening between/to Alex and Piper! And I'm sorry for making your heart ache with what's happening with Nicky. I hope you like the Bali chapter, let me know what you think! Thank you very much for the kind words. =)

 **Guest (who definitely did NOT bore me with his/her long review),** Are you kidding me? I live for long reviews! I love the short ones just as much but the longs ones are kind of special. =) And wow thank you for saying that (about the way I write), it's one of the best compliments I've ever received and it warms my heart (not to be too sappy haha) so again, thank you! And have a nice day as well!

 **valevauseman,** Thank you so much! That means a lot to me coming from you, one of my favourite authors on here. =) Hopefully, you found this chapter light enough coz it's as light as this story could get. Haha!

 **Jill57,** Wow, thank you! It really means a lot that you're giving this story a second chance. Hope you don't regret it. Haha! Thank you for leaving reviews. And about the responses, you're welcome! It's the least I can do and I love talking to all of you. =)

 **Guest (thank you for this story),** I'm so sorry that Vauseman in this story sucks right now. And yeah, it isn't called Shattered for no reason. Haha. And wow, thank you for that! If ever I write a book, I'll send you one for free, haha! =))

 **Guest (they are so fucked up),** I'm so sorry that my own version of Vauseman is so problematic. Haha. Thank you for your review! =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you! I'm glad you've somehow seen through them and "got" why they're doing what they're doing. It makes me feel giddy knowing that this story has "sent" that message (if that even makes sense, haha). Again, thank you for the awesome review and kind words! =)

 **Joey2920,** And thank you for your review! Yes, thank you for telling me that. I honestly couldn't help but feel a bit affected at first but after reading your reviews, I just forgot about those and focus on what I have. You guys have been so wonderful and I can't be happy enough, so thank you so much! =) Hopefully you love this chapter as well and Nicky will make a comeback next chapter. Haha.

 **WB79,** I'm glad that you liked the flashback. I thought I needed to at least put a little fluff after all the misery I've been putting you through. Haha. Sorry if it wasn't much, though. I hope you're not disappointed with how this Bali chapter turned out. And yes, I will consider your suggestion, thank you very much! =)

 **IloveSweden,** Wow, I also cannot put into words how much I wanna thank you right now! Those are really nice words for you to say and now I'm blushins. =') Thank you very much and I hope that you liked the Bali chapter! =)

 **Ellen0000,** Wow, thank you for taking the time to leave a review and let me know that. It really means a lot to me! You are awesome as well and also a great story teller through your great Vauseman and Laylor videos. Keep'em coming, girl! =)

 **QueenOfRad,** Oh yes, worry not coz Nicky will always have an important role in Alex and Piper's relationship and each of their lives as individuals. She's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, right? Thank you for leaving a review for the previous chapter! =)

 **schillingarmy,** Well, aren't you just a positive soul! I'm glad you still see all the good things that are happening to them despite the dark things that are surrounding them right now, that's awesome! And oh my god, if this is your drug, hopefully you're not gonna have withdrawals anytime soon! Haha. Thank you and hope you have a great day as well! =)

 **izzielg,** Strange behaviours indeed! And aww, thank you for that reassurance. I honestly wouldn't mind if some people wouldn't want to continue reading this anymore coz I still have you guys who always say great things about my story. And that's all that matters to me, really. Thank you so much, that was really sweet! =)

 **sara lance,** Hey, girl! Maybe now you can decide on what to feel after this Bali chapter? Haha! Just you wait, maybe I'll bring them back, (but maybe I also won't haha, peace yo). Anyway, I hope you're not too disappointed with this chapter. Thanks for another review! =)

 **Guest ( who has only found out about this story),** I'm happy that you found this story and that (I think haha) you love it. Thank you very much for that review, that was wonderful of you. I always love meeting new readers, so hello! And I hope you don't regret having stumbled upon this lil story of mine. Enjoy the ride! Haha.

 **Mel,** Wow, your review is so sweet I wanna hug you right now! To even consider my story as the "best" angst-y fic is just too great of a compliment because I know how many great darks stories are out there on here, so thank you very much! I really, really do appreciate it. =)

 **SheriLovey,** Thank you! I hope you're not getting tired of me just thanking you every time you review, I honestly don't know what else to say. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the smut. As I've mentioned before (I don't know if you're aware) I'm really not comfortable writing them so it means a lot when you appreciate it. =) Hope you liked this Bali chapter. And you're welcome about the responses, it's really the least I can do.

 **piccolover22,** Thank you! Here's the new chapter, hope you like it as well. =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Wow, that review I can't even. Thank you! I'm really flattered that you think that way of my story that I could give you a big bear hug right now. *blushes* Thank you for the kind words, it really honestly made me a bit sad that some people thought this story is not worth to be read any further but with wonderful people like you saying these things just made me feel a million times better, so thanks again. And yes, I try to update as much as I can coz I don't wanna leave you hanging for too long. Hope you like how this Bali chapter turned out. =)

 **Lily,** Thank youuuuu! Hope you like this new chapter as well. =)

 **vausegasm,** Yes, I can definitely see that you're still not calm about anything. Haha! How about now? Is this chapter acceptable for you or it still hasn't calmed you down? =)) As always, you made me laugh and blush with your review and as much as I'd like to say anything else to calm you down, or agitate you even more, I'd rather keep my mouth shut so you'd still be surprised with what's gonna happen in the future. Haha! So thank you for that awesome review, you never fail to make me smile. =)

 **moanzs,** I apologize for that, haha. I hope I made it up with this chapter, though. And yes, the _drugs_ part is soon coming to its end so let's all wait for it patiently. =)) And don't worry, definitely no spoilers! I hate them, too. Haha. Oh my gosh, is it weird that I like it so much that you let your friend read it? Thank you for letting her in on this even if just on a chapter. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you for that wonderful review!


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:**

So... this chapter sucks. Haha. And a little shorter than usual.

Anyway, I thought I was gonna have a Bali-filled chapter again but I decided to just get on with the story so please forgive me? This is not a fluffy chapter. Also not angsty. So basically, it's lame. I know this is not the best chapter but it's another setup for the next chapter (but isn't every chapter is? Haha) so hopefully, you still have fun reading!

Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors. I know there have been a lot I've committed for the past couple of chapters and I could only cringe so hard. Haha.

Nothing is still mine.

 **16**

The next couple of days in Bali were pure _bliss_ for Alex and Piper. They've gone to almost every possible place they could visit, they've water rafted, they surfed, they mountain climbed. They found everything so exhilarating not even running out of energy every time they would go out of their hotel and explore _everywhere_.

But that didn't mean they did not enjoy being just inside their hotel room just as much. Sometimes, they would just sleep in and enjoy the comfort of their bed, and other times they would bask in the beauty of the view outside while they swam in the infinity pool. Most of the times though, they would do a different sort of exploration as they reacquaint themselves with each other's bodies, as if they haven't memorized it yet, their bodies and soul being meshed into _one_.

But it had to come. That day when their bodies would start craving for that one thing they have allowed themselves to be _weak_ without, to have _no control_ over. It was almost as if they had planned to feel it at the same time, starting to get antsy and restless the moment the other began to feel it, too.

The only difference was that Alex tried to _fight_ it, while Piper wanted to _give in_.

"Alex, come on. When was the last time you shot some? I'm really starting to feel a little edgy. I just need something to take that edge off," Piper had been convincing Alex since she's woken up that day but Alex would keep brushing her off, as if Piper hadn't noticed that she was _itching_ to use, too.

"Piper..." Alex tried to put in some conviction in her tone but it came out so bleak, she might have just as well handed Piper the drugs.

"Do not tell me you don't want it. 'Coz you've been so irritable since yesterday. I know you're feeling it, too," Piper said, still trying to coax Alex into this. She could see the hesitation in her girlfriend's eyes, and it confused her coz Alex has _never_ hesitated before. She was pacing back and forth in front of Alex, who was sitting on their bed, her hands rubbing her face tensely.

"Piper, do you know where we are? If we get caught with it, it could mean life imprisonment or death penalty. Do you really wanna risk your life just for a _small_ amount?"

"You've brought drugs in and out of here for years and you never got caught."

The moment these words slipped out of Piper's mouth, Alex was caught speechless. If Piper was on her right mind, she would have _never_ brought up Alex's former job, she would have never usedit _against_ her. And that only fuelled Alex's resolve to say _no_ , even though her skin was _crawling_ and she felt as if her arm muscles wanted to fly out of her own body. She knew Piper was feeling it, too, and she was goddamned scared because she didn't know if she was going to handle it.

But Alex knew better now. She couldn't give in.

"We can't. Let's just sleep it off. Come on, please." Alex tried to reach out for Piper but the blonde swatted her arms away as she stepped back.

"Alex, what the hell is wrong with you?! All I'm asking is just a small amount, why are you being like this?" Piper asked tensely, still pacing back and forth, unable to stay still because if she did, it would only drive her crazier.

"Piper, we have to stop doing this."

"Have to stop what?! You were the one who told me this was what helped you get over your shit. And it did the same to me. Now you wanna take away the only thing that's helping us get our shit together?"

Alex felt as if she was slapped in the face right then because she was once again reminded that this was all on her. If she hadn't started any of it, they wouldn't be in this situation right now. And it almost made her wanna _run and just hide,_ because she was too weak to fight this on her own. Not only did the _addiction_ have a control over her, _Piper_ had, too. And she wasn't sure if she could still refuse once the blonde started going through the peak of her withdrawal. She knew how _terrifying_ that was but to witness Piper go through it would be much, much _worse_.

But she had to at least _try_.

"No, it's not doing anything even remotely close to that! Piper, listen to me-"

"No, don't." Piper took another step backwards, and the look she gave Alex made the raven-haired inhale sharply because Piper had never looked at her this way before. And Alex had to look away as Piper went to lie on her side of the bed, turning her back on her, because she couldn't bear to look at her like this. Piper _hated_ her. And Alex couldn't do anything else but to stand there, frozen to her spot.

-o-o-o-

Piper wouldn't talk to Alex the whole day. Alex could see that she was struggling and she hated that she couldn't do anything about it. For a while, Alex wanted to just give her something, _anything_ just so the withdrawal symptoms would stop. It wouldn't be hard since she still had connections that would bring her anything she would ask for in just a snap. But she had the image of Piper tending to the young boy they met on their second day in Bali and with that image alone, she knew that this would all be worth it in the end.

It was night time when Alex noticed Piper in bed curled up in a fetal position. She still had her back turned on her and as Alex slowly approached her, she noticed that Piper was shaking slightly. Alex almost ran towards her, this sight of Piper emotionally breaking her. "Pipes..." She slowly guided Piper's body to face her and it was probably the most painful thing Alex had to see. Piper was hugging herself shaking, while tears streamed from her eyes, discomfort evident on her face. "God, baby," Alex said worriedly as she helped Piper to sit up, resting her body against the headboard.

"Alex, I can't." Piper kept shaking her head, as if trying to keep it together but failing miserably.

Alex started panicking because Piper was looking her in the eye, an unspoken plea for her to get her out of her misery, for her to do _something,_ but there was nothing Alex could do except tell Piper what she thought she needed to hear _._ "I know, Pipes. I know." She wiped the beads of sweat trickling down the sides of her face with her hands. "But we can't keep doing _that_. We have _got_ to stop."

Piper had shut her eyes this time around, a poor attempt to stop the tears, but she was feeling everything in every inch of her skin that it was hard to keep her tears from falling. "Everything hurts."

And just like that, every pain Alex was feeling, too, had been magnified. Because it wasn't just her _own pain_ anymore, it was Piper's, too, and somehow, that just made it a hundred times worse. "I'm sorry. I'm so _fucking_ sorry, Pipes." Alex had pressed her forehead against Piper's while she held her close to her. "We'll get through this, okay? Everything's going to be fine. I won't let anything happen to you, I promise."

Piper just nodded quietly, unsure how she was gonna believe Alex this time when she was feeling the exact opposite of what she just promised her. How was everything going to be fine when Alex had just decided to take away the one thing that was keeping them _fine_ in the first place? But she still trusted Alex. And even if she didn't anymore, she had no other choice but to do just that anyway. "I wanna go home," she suddenly whispered, no longer wanting to be in this place. If they weren't here, Alex and she probably wouldn't be in this situation right now.

"What?" Alex had pulled away slightly, surprised by Piper's sudden decision.

"Take me home. Please. I wanna go home," Piper had started crying again, suddenly feeling as if this place had become so unfamiliar to her, coming to a point where she's started questioning why she's even come here in the first place.

"Okay... okay sshhh," Alex kissed Piper's head letting her girlfriend bury her face on the crook of her neck. "Please stop crying, I'm taking you home."

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper had just gotten home about an hour ago and they laid sleeping in their bed, _exhaustedly_ , limbs and arms tangled together, clothes left unchanged, when Alex was roused by a soft thumping against her door. She was about to ignore it but then the knocks grew a little bit more incessantly so as much as it pissed her off not having been given a peaceful and uninterrupted slumber, she got out of bed and walked towards the door.

And there stood the last person she thought she'd see.

"Lorna?" Alex asked, adjusting her glasses that were sliding down her nose. "What are you... what are you doing here? N-Nicky isn't here."

"I know," Lorna said, chuckling a little nervously as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.

Alex noticed something off about her but attributed it to the fact that she hadn't really talked to her in over two months now. To say this was uncomfortable would be putting it lightly. Alex had never been alone with Lorna before. Either Nicky would be there, or Piper, or both of them.

Lorna was a great woman in Alex's opinion but she'd never let herself really get _close_ to her given the circumstances, Nicky undeniably in-love with her but Lorna being _unfortunately_ engaged to some guy. Alex _liked_ Lorna. But sooner or later, she's gonna be Nicky's undoing and she wasn't sure if she could still like her if that happened.

"Oh," was the only response Alex could muster as she shifted her weight on her other feet. "So... what brought you here then?" she asked again, just realizing that it was almost one o'clock in the morning and if she wasn't here for Nicky, then there really was no reason for her to be here at all.

"I just... I wanted to talk to you."

Alex was surprised, but she didn't really show it. Instead she nodded and got out of the way so Lorna could come in. "Okay. Come on in, then."

"No," Lorna said, adamantly shaking her head. "It won't take long. I'm fine here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she nodded her head. "Ahm," Lorna breathed deeply before she looked at Alex, who was easily more than a foot taller than her. "Alex, I know this is none of my business. But I care for Nicky and I know just how much she cares for you."

Alex nodded, finally figuring out what Lorna came here for. _Of course,_ it was going to be her current relationship with Nicky.

"She's just trying to look out for you. And yeah, maybe you're a grown up and that you can take care of yourself but Nicky is your best friend, and she's bound to get worried if she thinks that something is... something is wrong."

Alex stayed quiet all the time, expecting anger to come anytime soon, at the obviously _meddling_ in her life. But it didn't come. Instead, she found herself faced with the guilt of doing everything she's done to Nicky and she was actually surprised that Lorna was not yelling at her right now.

"I just wish... you could give her a chance to be there for you. She hasn't been sleeping most nights, worrying." Lorna paused, seemingly thinking of what else to say. "I know that you care for her, too. She misses you, Alex. She needs her best friend back."

Alex felt a lump form in her throat and she was suddenly out of words to say. But she could see that Lorna was waiting for her to say something, so she had to swallow hard just to be able to stop the crack in her voice she knew was gonna happen if she didn't. "Th-thanks, Lorna. I'll talk to her."

Lorna nodded. For a while, they just stood there, waiting for each other to say something else.

"There's another reason why I'm here," Lorna suddenly blurted out, and Alex wasn't sure if she was just seeing things or Lorna really did look like she was about to cry.

"What is it?"

"I'm getting married tomorrow."

"What?" Alex asked, not expecting the night to turn into one of her most dreaded moments ever. She knew this was going to happen. She's been waiting to hear it from Nicky but with other things that had occupied her mind lately and the fact that she hadn't really talked to Nicky _properly_ in a while, she never thought that this was coming _sooner_ than she would've thought so.

"Yeah," a tear had escaped Lorna but she immediately wiped it away as she tried to keep a strong facade in front of Alex. "I... I'm getting married," she again said, so softly this time Alex wasn't sure if it really was what came out of her mouth. "So... I... I don't know if I'll still be around." Lorna was stammering now, and her eyes filled with tears Alex couldn't help but think that Nicky must be feeling a thousand times _worse_ right now.

"Nicky," Alex suddenly said, "Where is she?" she asked, not caring anymore for what Lorna has to say. That _dislike_ she's been expecting to feel towards Lorna once this happened, it was suddenly there. And she knew she had to get out of there before she could say something that she would _regret_.

"I don't know..." Lorna was crying now, but Alex still couldn't bring herself to give a rat's ass about it. She _needed_ to see Nicky. Nicky _needed_ her now. "I haven't seen her since..."

"Since you told her," Alex completed Lorna's sentence for her. "Lorna, look. I appreciate you coming here. Maybe I don't have the right to say anything else, because I've been an asshole to Nicky for as long as I can remember, but you... you _fucked up,_ too." Alex knew there was no need for her to tell Lorna that, she could see that this was hurting her, too. But she suddenly couldn't stop the anger that bubbled inside her. "You knew this was gonna happen eventually, but you led her on anyway. You made her think that it was gonna be _okay_ when you fully knew that it wasn't. And in the end it was just going to hurt you both even worse."

Lorna's tears kept flowing from her eyes but she didn't bother wiping them anymore. "I know. And I feel... _terrible_. That's why I hope you realize, that all of those you just told me, I can say the same to you and Piper, too. And I'm telling you, if you don't want whatever is happening to both of you to come to _this_ point, you have to stop it now. Before it's too late."

This rendered Alex speechless because she wasn't expecting that what she told Lorna was gonna blow right in her face. And so she just stood there, looking at Lorna take a step backwards from her.

"You're a good person, Alex. I know you'd be there for Nicky. And I also know you're not gonna let the same thing happen to you and Piper, get hurt a thousand times worse because of a decision you think is gonna work for the better when you know that it's gonna do otherwise." She then turned around and walked slowly, but then turned back at Alex another time, eyes still brimming with tears. "I'm sorry," she said shaking her head. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I really, really didn't wanna hurt her."

And before Alex could say anything else, Lorna was out of her sight.

It took Alex quite a while to know what she was supposed to do next. And when she did, she immediately went back inside her room and sat gently beside Piper. For a few moments, she just sat there, staring at her. She looked so peaceful like this, as if she hasn't gotten through anything that had made her life turn upside down. It looked as if she wasn't carrying anything heavy, as if everything would be perfect when she woke up.

But Alex knew that this wasn't the case. Right behind these peaceful exterior are all the fucked up things about Piper hidden behind a seemingly peaceful sleep. The moment she would wake up, she would go back to the woman Alex made her to be again – a person running away from a reality she didn't know how to face, driven by an addiction not only to chemical drugs but also to her need for everything to be all about her and Alex, a person detached from the rest of the world and detached from her own self.

Alex wanted all of it to stop. She was the one who started all of this, and she was the one who needed to end it. But she didn't know how, because she was battling with the same enemy as well. Alex was struggling, too, and she was more than scared that eventually, she would lose to this fight, and would lose Piper in the process. And that just wasn't an option she would willingly take.

Piper suddenly stirred and turned to her side, showing the newly-inked fish tattoo on her nape. Alex slowly brought her hand to softly caress it, the memory of when Piper got it flashing to her.

 _"Alex, they're beautiful!" exclaimed Piper once she and Alex got out of the water. They were back in their hotel room, having just finished scuba diving and Piper couldn't get her mind off the clarion angelfish they'd come across, swearing to Alex they're the most beautiful fish she'd seen so far. Not that she's seen a lot, anyway._

 _"I know, right?" Alex agreed, as she exhaustedly laid down on their bed. She hasn't had a proper rest ever since they arrived in Bali and right now she just wanted to sleep and forget the world for a while._

 _"I wanna see them again," Piper said dreamily, walking towards the bed and then sitting beside her girlfriend. She tucked a few strands of hair that was on Alex's face behind her ear, before caressing her jaw helping her relax even more._

 _"We can do it again, babe. But right now, can we get some sleep for a while? I'm fucking tired." She then closed her eyes when she felt the weight of Piper on top of her. She smiled as she opened one eye, seeing Piper staring sheepishly at her. "What?"_

 _"Those fish are always going to remind me of you now."_

 _"Oh, great. Now I look like a fish?" Alex closed her eyes again with a smile still etched on her face, as she rubbed her hands up and down Piper's back._

 _"No. It's just... they're beautiful. And you're beautiful." Piper paused, content on just staring at Alex's face for a while, feeling the rise and fall of her chest against her, her heart beating rapidly against her chest, knowing just how much that heart was beating for her._

 _Alex raised her head slightly to drop a kiss on top of Piper's head. "That's sweet, babe. But you're beautiful. I'm the hot one," she chuckled, hearing Piper laugh with her. "Now, can we go to bed? I really wanna sleep."_

 _"Wait!" Piper exclaimed, an idea suddenly racking her brain. She could see that Alex was tired but she felt restless, like her mind and body didn't want to rest right now._

 _"What?" Alex still asked patiently, even though she could barely open her eyes, and mouth for that matter._

 _"I want a tattoo."_

 _"What?" Alex has shifted her weight on her elbows now, looking at Piper who had gotten off of her and had sat beside her, excitement filling her eyes. "A tattoo? Are you serious?"_

 _"Yes! I want the fish tattooed on me."_

 _Alex chuckled, finding the idea of Piper wanting to put permanent ink on any part of her body ridiculous. "I'm sure you'll eventually get over it, Pipes. Let's just get henna or something."_

 _"Alex, I don't want a henna. I want a tattoo. I've been wanting to get one since like forever but I didn't know what I wanted. Now, I do. So please? Can we get me one?" she looked at Alex with those doe eyes again, waiting like a child to be given the toy she was requesting for._

 _Alex looked at Piper intently, making sure that she was indeed sure of it. When she saw no hesitation on Piper's eyes, she suddenly decided that it would make Piper happy. Plus, it would be so hot to see her with a tattoo. "Fine, we'll get one as soon as we go back home."_

 _"What? No, I wanna get one now."_

 _"Now? Piper, we don't know anything about the tattoo places in here. What if you get infection or something? I'm not gonna risk that."_

 _"Then we'll ask around, I'm sure they can lead us to a safe tattoo parlor in here somewhere."_

 _"Pipes..."_

 _"Please, baby?"_

 _Alex then chuckled before shaking her head, the excitement of Piper radiating off of her body and was being transferred to hers. "You're cute when you get all determined and excited."_

 _"So?" Piper asked, looking at Alex expectantly._

 _"Fine, fine. We'll get one. Here."_

 _Piper squealed as she flung her arms around Alex, kissing her sloppily all over her face. "You're the best! I love you!" She pressed another kiss on Alex's lips this time, before looking up as if thinking. "Hm, I think I'm gonna have it put on my nape."_

 _"Nape? What's the point of getting a tattoo that no one else is gonna see, not even you?"_

 _"Well, it's gonna be even more special because no one else can see it, unless I deliberately show them. It's just gonna be our thing, you know? Like we're the only ones who know about it. And the point is I know it's there... even if I don't see it. It's always going to be a part of me now. Just like you."_

Alex smiled at the thought, remembering how _happy_ Piper was after she got the tattoo. That was the Piper Alex always wanted to see, a _happy, carefree_ Piper. Not the one who carried the world in her shoulder. Not the one who would have nightmares at night because of her own family. Not the one struggling to live a normal life because of an addiction she couldn't rid of.

But she knew it was going to be tough. But even so, even if it was gonna take every ounce of her being just so she and Piper could get through this, she would sacrifice everything she could just so she couldn't lose to this fight. She didn't know how. But she would figure it out. For Piper. _Eventually._

But right now, there was another person who needed her. And it was about damn time, Alex _showed up_.

"Pipes," she gently nudged Piper as she leaned down to press a soft kiss on her temple. Piper stirred, slowly opening her eyes. "I gotta go see Nicky."

"What?" Piper asked, still half-asleep as she tried to sit up. She reached for her phone as she checked for the time. "Alex, it's one o'clock in the morning. What happened? Is she okay?"

Alex shook her head. "Yeah, everything's fine, don't worry. I just really need to see her. Are you gonna be okay here alone for a while?"

Piper nodded. "Of course, yeah. I'll wait up."

"No, you don't have to. Just go back to sleep, I might spend the night with her." Alex didn't want to leave Piper but she also knew that she'd probably need to spend the rest of the night with Nicky. So as much as she hated to go, she had to force herself for the sake of her best friend.

"Al, what's going on?" Piper asked, worry slowly seeping through her.

"Lorna's getting married today."

"Oh my God," Piper whispered. "Okay, you do what you have to do. Tell her I love her, okay?"

"Yeah," Alex kissed Piper again before she got up. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Are you sure you're gonna be fine?"

"Yes, babe. I'm gonna be fine. Go, Nicky needs you."

Alex knew Piper needed her, too. There was still so much they needed to talk about, the heaviness of their last conversation in Bali still hanging on their shoulders. But she could only do one at a time. And right now, she and Piper was just gonna have to talk about all of it in the morning.

-o-o-o-

When Alex reached Nicky's house, she was relieved to see that her lights were on. Before she came in here, she was afraid that Nicky was out, spending her time with God knows who, but evidently, she decided to stay at home.

Alex knocked but minutes had passed and there was no Nicky. "Nicky, it's me! Open up!" she yelled outside the door, not too loud to wake and piss anybody off, but loud enough so Nicky could hear her. "I know you're in there, come on. Please." Alex banged on the door again, and finally she could hear shuffling inside and she waited but a few seconds later, she heard a loud crash. "Shit!"

She suddenly paced back and forth, thinking of how she could get in when she remembered the spare key that Nicky always left underneath the rug at her door. Alex cursed herself for not thinking about it immediately as she crouched down to check if it was still there. True enough, it was there. Letting out a sigh of relief, she picked the key up and opened Nicky's door before hurriedly making her way inside.

But Alex was frozen to her spot with the sight that welcomed her. On the floor were broken pieces of glass and only a few steps away was Nicky, sitting with her head on the table, bottles of beer lying around. "Fuck," Alex whispered to herself as she carefully walked towards Nicky.

At first, Alex just stood beside Nicky, feeling her heart break at the sight. She has never seen her this way ever before, probably because her best friend's always been the kind to deflect from any kind of emotional connection with any girl she ever dated. With her, it was always just about the physicality of it all, never letting it go beyond that. And Alex understood because she's been there, too. It was their way of taking care of their hearts that have already been crushed once by the people they thought should have taken care of it in the first place.

But Nicky had failed to do that with Lorna. She has broken all the norms she's had when it came to women, even though she knew that Lorna wasn't the right person to do that for, not because she wasn't great for Nicky, but because she already decided to commit herself to someone else.

Now, here she was, right in front of Alex, going through a heart break she might have never realized she'd eventually go through on any given day. And Alex just stood there, doing _nothing_.

"You just gonna stand there like an idiot or what?" Nicky suddenly said, causing Alex to slightly jump up.

"Jesus Christ," she said, a little surprised.

"I'm not Jesus, my name is Nicky," Nicky said, _slurred_ , as she lifted her head up and looked at Alex. "What are you doing here?"

Alex sighed before sitting in the chair across Nicky. "I'm here to baby-sit you. You look like shit."

Nicky smirked. "Thanks." She once again leaned her head on her arm that was now resting on the table. "So this is what it feels like, huh?"

"What?" Alex said, not clearly understanding what Nicky said.

Nicky then raised her head and looked Alex in the eye. "To have your heart broken." She tapped on her chest with her fist, looking down for a bit before returning her gaze to Alex. "This is what it feels like."

Alex bowed, unable to look at Nicky this way. She could feel her hurting and it hurt her, too. "Nicky, you're gonna find someone else."

"But I don't want someone else. I want her."

"I know. But she's getting married."

"Do you think I don't fucking know that?! Thanks for rubbing it in, asshole."

"Come on Nick, you know I didn't mean it like that."

Nicky went back to her old position, tucking her head on her arm, hiding her face. "How do I make this go away? It fucking hurts, Alex."

"I'm probably the last person you wanna be asking that question," Alex answered softly, thinking of how she was dealing with her own _heartbreak_. "But I don't know, maybe you should try fucking other women again, you know? And probably steer clear from engaged ones, this time around?" When Nicky did not respond, Alex stood up and went to her side. "You're Nicky Fucking Nichols. You're gonna get through this. You have Red and Piper." she said, rubbing Nicky's back. "You have me," Alex then added, finally realizing that if there was one person aside from Piper who she wouldn't ever leave whatever the hell happened, it was Nicky. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

Nicky did not protest as she let Alex help her up, slinging her arms over her shoulder. Since she was obviously much shorter than Alex, Nicky decided to just wrap her arm around Alex's waist, feeling her legs wobble as she took steps. "You know I'm never gonna make you forget how sappy you are to me right now ever, right?" Nicky suddenly asked while they walked.

Alex chuckled, a _tiny bit_ of happiness coursing through her seeing that Nicky could still make jokes no matter how much pain she was going through right now. "You're not even gonna remember this when you wake up, dumbass."

When they reached her room, Alex again helped Nicky lay down on her bed, grasping both her ankles to lift her legs on top of it. She then put a blanket over her and watched as her breathing started to become even, finally succumbing to sleep.

"Jesus, I never thought I'd one day tuck you in. _That's_ something I'll never make _you_ forget," Alex said to Nicky, more to herself since her best friend was obviously asleep now, shaking her head. And after making sure that Nicky was fast asleep, Alex sat down on the floor and settled her back against the side of Nicky's bed. "Good night, Nick," she whispered, even though she knew that Nicky wasn't going to hear her anyway. She then rested her head on Nicky's bed as she closed her eyes, mentally preparing for the day she was gonna have to face once she opened them up again.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Elliellie1,** Thank you, I'm happy that you loved it! Drugs plot will be over soon. Hopefully. Haha. =)

 **BL-is-love,** Sorry if this chapter isn't what you expected (basing on your review) haha. But hopefully it did not disappoint much. Anyway, I loved your review! And if I'm not mistaken, this is your first time leaving one? So thank you, and glad to meet you! Haha. =)

 **rach5878,** And your review made me so unbelievably happy as well! You are the sweetest for saying that! I am very flattered and I really can't say how much I wanna hug you right now. Haha! Sorry if the updates aren't coming fast enough, but hopefully the worth is worth it. Thank you again. I will have your review tattooed on my forehead if only it's possible. Haha! =)

 **Guest (chapter was amazing),** You're the amazing one, my friend! I'm glad you like where this story is going so far. Haha. Thank you for the review! Have an awesome day! =)

 **Joey2920,** Whew! Thank you that you weren't disappointed with the last chapter! Hopefully, you'd feel the same way for this chapter. Haha. Sorry for the Nicky part, though. I had to do it. =( Anyway, thank you for that review! =)

 **Budda1127,** You, my friend, have left me "speechless" once again. You always leave out great reviews and I almost always don't know what to say back. So, I'm just gonna thank you again (I hope you're not yet tired of reading the same response from me over and over again) but really, I don't think any response will be good enough for the amazing and awesome reviews that you leave for this story. I am very flattered, and I really, really wanna thank you again! =)

 **vausegasm,** Hahaha, I just realized that you don't trust me anymore, huh. Can't say I blame you, though. But don't worry, from now on, my warnings will be on point so you'll know when to expect every time I post a chapter. But anyway, good to know that you're finally calm (I can see that) hopefully, you'd still stay calm for this chapter. Thank you for yet another amazing review! =)

 **SheriLovey,** I'm glad you loved the previous chapter, even the little bits! Yeah, happy Vauseman is awesome! I'm sorry that it's very rare in this fan fiction, but I try sometimes. Haha! Anyway, apologies for no added Bali fun time. I tried, but my time wouldn't let me stretch the story even more than I already planned it to be. So, sorry =(

 **Guest (my heart just melted),** Hey, just want to let you know that even if your review is just a smiley, I would appreciate it very much so there's really no need to apologize. =) Thank you, by the way. And I'm glad I could help you chill down in some ways. Hope you're feeling great today! =)

 **lia,** I'm glad you liked them! And yes, I love that song very much, too! =) Bali is a great place, even though I haven't really been there. Haha. And it's important to Vauseman in the real series so I thought I could add it here as well. Thank you for your kind review!

 **huggerguest,** Haha! Sorry for taking all your words but I'm glad you got them back just enough for a Chapter 15 review! I'd understand if you don't leave one for this chapter again. Just knowing you're still reading this is enough. And don't call your review lame, because I always appreciate them. Thank you! =)

 **WB79,** Thank you! I love giving out long chapters. And sorry if things are still a little rough for our loves. Please be patient with me. Haha. =))

 **sara lance,** I hope you like the Alex and Nicky interaction even if it's from a terrible circumstance. And I'm glad that you loved the chapter and I totally agree with Alex being a cute little puppy. Haha! Sorry that there's no more vacation fun in this chapter =( But thank you for that review!

 **FFChik,** Yes, it's about time Alex came to her senses, it can only take too long. Thank you for another wonderful review! =))

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** I'm glad you loved those things. Hopefully, you'll love this chapter as well even though it isn't as happy as the previous chapter. Thank you for another review! =)

 **izzielg,** Oh, sorry if the previous chapter was a little too sappy for your own liking. Hopefully this chapter and the upcoming ones can make up for that, haha. Anyway, thank you for letting me know! =)

 **schillingarmy,** I'm so sorry that that was just about the Bali happenings. I wanted to add more but my time wouldn't let me get much into it, so again, I'm sorry if I have disappointed you. But thank you, for that review and I'm glad that you liked the previous chapter. Have an awesome day! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** A very Merry Christmas indeed! Although, it's been snatched from you too soon because of this chapter, I think? Sorry. Haha. Wow, I'm glad to know that Chapter 15 is one of your favourite chapters. Thank you very much, and you made me smile a lot, too. Keep smiling, my dear! =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Yeah, it's time Alex finally came to her senses, right? Sorry though if this chapter didn't contain more fluff as promised =( I haven't heard of Lady Chatterley's Lover until you mentioned it but I'll be sure to check it out when I get the time, thank you for that! And I totally agree about the preview thingy. I mean, I've never sent reviews using my account but I think that's pretty much a great idea. Haha.

 **moanzs,** Sorry had to do this chapter to Nicky. Although it had to happen at some point. I'm glad you liked the previous chapter, I just realized that it could have been better but you liked it anyway, so it's cool. Haha. And I so, so agree with your comment about spoilers. Some people like it though and it's kind of weird. To each his own. Haha. Oh my gosh, I wanna say sorry to your friend but also thank you for giving my story time. Thanks to you, too, for the review! =)


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

SPECIAL SHOUTOUT to two crazy people I recently 'met.' I'm supposed to call you with codenames but I forgot them haha, so you're just gonna have to figure out that this chapter is for you. (the other one just cooked rice for the first time and the other one just recently watched a basketball game in her friend's house) =))

WARNING: Not fluffy. Not (that) angsty. But the ending will probably make you want to kill me.

 **17**

Alex woke up after what felt like only five seconds of closing her eyes. The only difference was that it was no longer dark inside the room with the stream of light coming from outside. The first thing that Alex noticed though was the aching of her muscles that she was sure wasn't caused by her sleeping position the whole night, slouched down against the side of Nicky's bed, with her head twisted to the side so she could rest it against the soft mattress. She also noticed the beads of sweat trickling down her face, noting that it was also not caused by the temperature inside Nicky's room.

No, it was _that_ again, that _harsh_ reminder of the thing she's _forcefully_ getting out of her system, mocking her that it wasn't something she could just get rid of. She needed to fight it and right now she was fighting it harder than when it all first started. Her thoughts immediately snapped back to her girlfriend at home, wishing so bad that she wasn't going through the same thing right now, not when she wasn't there with her, not when she was out there all _alone_.

Alex wanted to go home to her but she knew that she couldn't just show up looking and feeling like this so she decided to stay for a while, hoping that it would eventually go away. She then stood up, her hands clammy and her heart pounding hard against her chest, not even noticing her wild-haired best friend still sleeping spread-eagled on her bed. She rushed to Nicky's living room and crashed on her couch, running her hands wildly all over her black tresses.

"No. No, no, no," Alex whispered repeatedly like a soft prayer. She breathed deeply, hoping it could help ease the pain that she was suddenly feeling, prickling on every inch of her skin. _"Mind over matter,"_ she thought as she shut her eyes, thinking of the only thing that she knew could work stronger than this _fucking_ beast inside her head telling her the only way she could stop the pain was if she _shot herself_ with some heroin again.

She thought of _Piper_ , and the way her eyes lit up every time Alex would look at her. She thought of the way she would scrunch up her nose in the most adorable way possible, the way her lips would curve up into the most beautiful smile Alex had ever and probably would ever see. She thought of _Piper_ and how all of this pain would go away not when she would inject herself with the damn drugs again, but when Piper would stop feeling the pain herself.

-o-o-o-

 _Alex was outside her and Piper's hotel room, sitting on the bed placed on the patio as she looked all over the ocean that seemed to have lost all its power to calm her whenever she was feeling restless. She had been up for almost an hour now, not having been able to sleep properly the night before, scared that Piper would wake up and freak out due to the starting symptoms of her withdrawal. She had already booked two tickets back to the US, even though she knew that there were so many uncertainties that came along with going back home. Because it was what Piper thought she needed... and it was what Alex was going to give her._

 _She still couldn't stop thinking of the way Piper cried the night before, or the way she fidgeted with her hands as she started to get antsy, or the way she looked as her as if she was the biggest bitch in the world for taking away the one thing she thought was holding her together. Thinking of all of it now, Alex realized that Piper hadn't really dealt with her mother's passing the proper way, or any way at all. She hadn't dealt with any shitty thing she was going through because Alex had let her think that the drugs could do that for her, that it was all she needed to make all the pain go away. And Piper believed her. Piper believed everything Alex would say and she didn't know if it was a good thing but right now, it was her only hope in making Piper come into realization that Alex has made a massive mistake about leading her to believing this._

 _Alex was snapped out of her thoughts when she felt movement beside her and when she looked to her side, there stood Piper, eyes puffy but still managed to look so impossibly beautiful, hesitatingly shuffling towards her. Alex felt a slight tightening of her chest as nerves washed through her, unsure if Piper was still feeling resentful towards her and also unsure on how she would explain everything to her in a way that she would understand._

 _"Hey," Alex said softly, hoping that Piper would return the simple greeting, just so she would be reassured that maybe things were already okay between them._

 _Thankfully, Piper greeted her back, with a small hesitant smile. "Hi."_

 _"Are you still... are you still mad at me?"_

 _Alex saw regret flash across Piper's eyes as her strides widened to reach her faster. When Piper was already on the bed beside her, she immediately flung her arms around her neck as she buried her face at the crook of her shoulder. Alex instantly snaked her arms around Piper's waist, pulling her into her body closer as she welcomed the warmth it always brought her that she'd missed last night._

 _"No," Piper whispered, tightening her grip on her. "I'm sorry I acted that way last night, Al. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry."_

 _Alex let out the breath she didn't even know she was holding as relief washed through her. "Hey," Alex brushed Piper's hair with her fingers as she pressed a soft kissed on her temple. "It's okay, you don't have to apologize. I understand."_

 _Piper pulled away to look Alex in the eye, her arms still loosely wounded around her neck. "Do you forgive me?"_

 _Alex smiled, still wondering how Piper could make all the littlest things so damn adorable. "I don't need to. I'm not mad. Come here." Alex and Piper closed the gap between them at the same time, bringing their lips together, in a sweet, chaste kiss._

 _When they pulled apart, Piper shuffled her body closer to Alex, her arms going downwards to circle them around her girlfriend's waist. She rested her forehead on her shoulder and they stayed like that for a while, enjoying the peace that was still there while it lasted. And as if reading Alex's thoughts, about what that was going on with them right now, Piper softly blurted out, "Alex, I'm scared."_

 _And Alex knew why Piper was. She knew because she was scared, too. They were okay right now, but eventually, and soon, the withdrawal symptoms are gonna come again and Alex wasn't sure if she could fight them again this time. But she couldn't tell Piper that. She couldn't tell her that she was also lost herself because without the drugs, she was the only one left that could hold Piper together._

 _And she was gonna do just that._

 _"I know, Piper. I'm sorry," she once again said, feeling as if those words were slowly losing their meaning because of how much she's been using them lately. She could feel Piper bring herself closer to her as if telling her that it was okay, that she was okay. At least that's what Alex wanted herself to believe. "Do you trust me?"_

 _Piper once again untangled herself from Alex so she could look at her, and Alex swore looking into Piper's eyes was all she needed to assure herself that yes, everything was eventually going to be okay. "I do, Al. I'd trust you with my life, you know that."_

 _Alex smiled but she still couldn't help but feel bad about this because it was also because of that trust that she and Piper were in this mess right now. But she had to push all the negative thoughts deep within her and focus on what this meant for both of them. "Okay. Good. So you have to believe me when I say this." She cupped Piper's face and looked directly into her eyes, "...we're going to be okay. I swear to God I won't let anything happen to you."_

 _Piper nodded and gave her a soft smile, and Alex wasn't sure if she believed her but even if she didn't, Alex had no other choice but to live up to her promise. "I know," the blonde said and she said it without any hint of doubt that Alex's need to protect Piper from all of this only grew stronger._

 _"So, it's a deal, right? We're never gonna touch that thing again?" Alex hated it but she couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, as if she's throwing away something so good. Even though she already knew that it was the right thing to do, she also knew that the drugs still had a strong hold on her so she had to figure out a way to get rid of it as soon as she could._

 _"Yeah, but..." Alex could see the struggle in Piper's eyes... "Alex, how would we do that? I mean, just the thought of that makes me feel like you're cutting off one of my limbs or something. I don't—" Piper stopped and Alex knew she felt guilty for feeling this way because she suddenly couldn't look at her._

 _"Babe, look at me." Piper shook her head as she looked at anywhere but Alex."Please?" And slowly, Piper lifted her head and averted her eyes towards her girlfriend. "We'll find a way." But Alex already knew the only way they could do this. And it wasn't an option she was sure she was willing to take, and neither was Piper. "We can... we can go to rehab."_

 _Fear flashed through Piper's eyes as she took in what Alex just suggested. "No... no, Alex. We can't do that." She kept shaking her head she thought it would fall off. "You can't. They're gonna take us away from each other. I can't have that. Please, not rehab. You have to find another way," Piper was on the verge of tears now, just the thought of losing Alex was breaking her to pieces._

 _"Okay, okay babe. I'm sorry. Ssshhh," Alex cupped Piper's face and made her look at her. "No rehab. We'll think of something else." She then pulled Piper into a hug, feeling relieved that rehab was out of the question now. She also didn't like the idea because she knew that there was no way they were gonna put her and Piper in the same one if ever. She wanted to be there for Piper if they would fight this. She needed to, and any other option was just not acceptable._

-o-o-o-

Alex could feel her heart start to beat so much faster and her itch to shoot herself with some drugs was getting stronger by the second. She lifted her legs on the couch as she tucked her knees hugging them, holding on to them just so she could stop the trembling of her entire body. She tried to _think_... tried to put into her head that she didn't need the drugs. She kept thinking of this over and over and over but she was already in so much pain that she'd even thought that _death_ would probably hurt less than this, that _one shot_ was all it took for it to go away.

"Hey, Vause."

Alex heard Nicky's voice from behind her and she only gave her a quick glance before pressing her face back on her knees, her knuckles so tightly shut she was pretty certain her finger nails were gonna leave a mark on her palm forever.

"Holy shit," muttered Nicky loud enough for Alex to hear her.

Alex could hear steps behind her but she couldn't bring herself to look at what her best friend was doing because all she could focus on right at that moment was her desperate need for the drugs, and why she couldn't have them.

A few seconds later, Nicky was at her side holding out a glass of water to her. Alex shook her head, not wanting to drink. It wasn't what she needed. _Why was no one giving her what she needed?_

"Come on, Alex. Just drink."

Alex finally took the glass but her hands were shaking too much she almost spilled it as she brought the glass to her lips. She only took a few sips knowing it wasn't gonna help anyway.

Nicky took back the glass and settled it on the center table before focusing back on Alex as she rubbed her back up and down. "Breathe, Alex. Come on, just breathe."

"Oh God, Oh God..." muttered Alex repeatedly. She clutched her shirt tightly, as she fidgeted on the couch. She knew she was going to lose it any second now. She needed something to hold onto, but there was none and it was driving her insane.

"Hey, hey Alex. Listen to me," Nicky was anxious, her voice cracking as she spoke. "Think about something else... anything. Think about Piper." Nicky could feel Alex try and focus her attention on her so she kept going, hoping to all gods who existed that this would work. "Remember that thing she does when she tries to wink but does it the wrong way that you find so damn fucking cute? Or... or that time when we went out and she was so drunk and she was dancing and she fell on her ass and we all just laughed at her." She could see Alex starting to calm a little and Nicky could almost breathe a sigh of relief. But she also knew that it was not yet enough. "Think about how much she loves you, Alex. Piper loves you _so damn much_ , so you couldn't let this win over you."

And much to Alex's surprise, her breathing started to get even. All she had to do was listen to Nicky and do what she said. It was hard at first but once she was able to manage to focus her thoughts on _Piper_ and nothing else, she could feel herself starting to relax and the shaking of her entire body seemed to slowly subside. There was still the _itch_ , but the mere thought of the woman she loved most in her life right now proved to be a much stronger force than the thought of her injecting herself with the abusive substance that seemed to be ruining her just a little bit more with every damn breath that she took.

-o-o-o-

When Piper woke up with a searing pain just about on every muscle of her body, her first instinct was to stretch her arm to the side to reach out for Alex. But then all she could feel was the empty side of the bed and the memories of the night before came rushing to her. Alex _wasn't here_. She went to Nicky because Nicky needed her so Piper had no choice but to fight this on her own.

She tried to force herself back to sleep, hoping that if she could just sleep this off, she'd wake up with Alex finally there and she could tell her what to do. She could tell her that this was _nothing_ , that they were both going to go through this together just like she's always said ever since that day before they came back home from Bali.

But she couldn't go back to sleep. She tried shutting her mind off so she couldn't think of _anything else_ , but all it managed to do for her was to make her think of just how much she needed to calm herself the best way, _the only way_ , she knew: heroin.

But she made a promise to Alex. They made a pact that they weren't going to touch that thing again so Piper tried to fight the need to do so. _"Alex,"_ she whispered to herself, hoping that Alex would feel that she needed for her to come back right now, that she was only holding on to barely a thread of her _rational_ thoughts, of what she knew the _right_ thing to do was. "Please come back, I can't do this on my own," Piper muttered again, feeling the pillow and the sheets beneath her get soaked from her sweat.

She wanted to call Alex. She knew it was probably selfish of her to take her away knowing that Nicky needed her to but Piper didn't know what else to do. But she couldn't find her damn phone. She tried racking her brain for where she put it last but it seemed like her mind was too fuzzy to work _properly_ so she had to settle on screaming onto her pillow, hoping that her restlessness would go away with the scream.

When Piper couldn't bear it anymore, she stood up and went outside Alex's room, pacing back and forth around the house just so she had something to do. She went to the kitchen and tried to prepare food, only to end up forgetting why she was in the kitchen in the first place. She opened the television and tried to focus on the noise coming from it, but it only added to the agitation she was already feeling.

Piper was trying too damn hard, God knew how much she was fighting this. And she knew that she wasn't doing it for herself. She was doing it for Alex... because she made a promise to her and she wanted to live up to that promise... because she knew that it was gonna hurt Alex if she found out she did something she told her she wouldn't do. It was all because of _Alex._

But Alex wasn't here. And right now, Piper was losing all the fight she had in herself. She _needed_ the drugs. She couldn't live _without_ it no matter how much she tried. So maybe, _just maybe_ , she could get one last shot before Alex came back. And then afterwards, when Alex would already be there to help her get through this, maybe that's when she could stop.

She knew where Alex hid her stash. And she knew that it was still there. And a small amount would probably not hurt anyway.

 _So maybe. Just maybe._

-o-o-o-

When Alex has started to calm down, she started telling Nicky everything, from how it all began to right now, when she and Piper had finally decided to end all of their bullshit. Nicky listened, not interrupting Alex even one bit. She was proud of what she's doing because she knew how tough this all must be for her.

"Nicky, how am I supposed to do this? All I think about every minute was how much I'm missing it. I am so fucking terrified because I just don't know what to do." Alex rubbed her face, the stress of it all taking its toll on her.

"Come on, man. You've had a whole life worth of practice in figuring things out. I know you can do this," Nicky assured her, bumping her fist slightly against Alex's shoulder.

Alex sighed, because as much as that may have been true, she didn't have Piper before. She didn't have this person she had the unbelievably strong need to protect from any consequences brought about by the choices she'd make. If she was being honest, she's actually figured out how to get Piper out of all of this. But the decision was too much of a life-changer not only for her but also for Piper that she was never sure if she could go through with it. "I've thought about breaking up with her, you know?"

"What?!" The shock in Nicky's voice was too evident that it made Alex think whether that idea was really so crazy after all.

"I've thought about it a lot of times. Every time I realize just how fucked up everything already is. She trusts me too much when she _shouldn't_. I brought her into this. I'm the whole _fucking_ reason she's going through all of this right now."

Alex paused, not being able to stomach the truth. It's been out there for so long, kicking her right in the gut but she refused to acknowledge it, afraid that somehow, it was gonna be her _undoing_. But right now, it was smacking her right in the face and she couldn't just ignore it anymore.

"But fuck, every time I even come close to doing it, I feel like I'm slowly _dying_ in the most painful way imaginable. Am I a horrible person, Nick? Am I the worst person there is for wanting to keep the only person who's made every fucking day of my fucking life just a whole lot more worth living?"

Nicky shook her head. "You're not a horrible person, Alex. You're one of the most _amazing_ people I've ever known my entire life."

"Yeah?" Alex laughed humourlessly, and the sound of it came out so bleak it brought a shiver run down her spine. When did she become this person she couldn't even recognize anymore? Was it when she decided to leave her own mother to become an international drug-smuggler? Or was it when she brought Ashley to her final fate? Or was it only recently when she let drugs ruin Piper? "Even after all the drug-smuggling and using and getting everyone I know killed? Somehow, those things make it hard to believe that."

Nicky let out a frustrated grunt before facing Alex. "Why are you still doing this to yourself? It's like you're purposely sabotaging your own happiness... like you don't even give yourself a chance to be happy." Nicky looked so disappointed and Alex knew that it was the only emotion she should be expecting from everyone now, _disappointment_.

"Yes, you've made some mistakes," Nicky continued, before Alex could even open her mouth to say something. "But who fucking _hasn't_? And even if you did, that doesn't mean that every horrible thing that has ever happened to everyone around you is your own goddamned fault." She looked at Alex, wanting her to fully grasp what she was trying to say. "You have to stop doing this, Alex. If you think that you somehow did something wrong, it's about time you forgave yourself. Or else it's just gonna keep dragging you down and you damn well know that wherever things get you, Piper always follows. Is that what you want? Is that what you think you and her deserve?"

Alex's mind immediately came into full defense as she thought of just how much this wasn't what Piper deserved. No, she definitely deserved so much _better_ and somehow, that thought had shaken something inside Alex, like it had made her realize that _maybe_ she was also meant to deserve something more than what she thought she did. So as unconvincing as she sounded, she muttered a soft "No," getting a nod of approval from Nicky.

"Good. Now I know this is not going to be easy. But I'll do everything I can to help you get through this, okay?" Nicky's harsh tone was gone now, replaced by a soft, weary tone Alex wasn't used to hearing from her. "Even if you've been such an asshole to me these last couple of months." Now _that_ 's the Nicky Alex was used to.

Alex smiled, but she was filled with so much guilt that it probably looked like a grimace to everyone. "I'm sorry, Nicky," Alex tried to make it sound the most genuine way she could, knowing that it was all that was left for her to do after everything she's said and done to Nicky.

But Nicky didn't even look the slightest bit resentful towards her. "Eh, what's life without a little drama, right?" And just like that, Alex knew that she'd been forgiven.

"Thanks Nick. I owe you one."

"You owe me more than that, asshole." She shoved Alex hard, causing her to fall back against the couch. Nicky laughed and Alex did, too, and it had been the lightest mood she's seen Alex in a really long time, and it had made her _truly_ believe that it was not yet too late for her or for Piper to get back on their feet again.

"Yeah. _That_ , I deserved," Alex was smiling genuinely this time, feeling positive for the first time since she could remember. Maybe she didn't need to do all of this _alone_. Nicky was here, and Alex knew she wasn't going to let her down. She and Piper were gonna get through this. She was _certain_ of that now. "So?" she then asked, remembering why she was even here in the first place.

"So what?" Nicky asked, her forehead creasing into confusion.

"Are you gonna talk about Lorna or I still have to remind you how fucking pathetic you looked last night?"

"Oh would you look at that, asshole Vause is back."

Alex chuckled as she shook her head. "Seriously, Nicky, if you ever wanna talk about it. I know I can't even sort my own shit out right now, but... you know." It was the one thing that Alex and Nicky were always good at, to have each other's back no matter what happened.

"I know. But I'm gonna be fine. I knew this was going to happen anyway. I just really needed a whole night to let it all out, you know? And right now, I'm done. I'm so ready to get right back out there, so many pussies still yet to be defiled."

"Jesus Christ," Alex said shaking her head.

She was about to say something else when they heard a soft knock on Nicky's door. They both looked at the door at the same time before looking back at each other again, both filled with confusion as to who Nicky's visitor might be. But Nicky just shrugged her shoulders as she stood up and made her way to the door. Alex looked at Nicky as she opened her door, only to be so surprised at the person standing at the doorway.

It was Lorna. Make-up filled, hair-made, wedding gown-wearing Lorna Morello.

"Lorna?" Nicky said and Alex noted the slight crack in her best friend's voice at the sight of the only woman she's ever allowed herself to fall in-love with.

Lorna was crying and it was smudging her make-up all over her face but Alex noticed that she didn't even seem to be fazed by it at all. Either that or she really had no idea she looked like a crazy psycho bride right now.

"Nicky? C-can I... can I come in?"

Nicky could only open her door wider, silently letting Lorna walk inside her apartment. She looked at Alex, confusion evident on her face, but Alex only shook her head not wanting to get into the middle of this.

"I couldn't do it," Lorna suddenly blurted out in between sobs Alex was surprised she had managed to form a complete sense that made sense. "I tried. I really did. Because it's Christopher, you know? I love him. And I should be marrying him." Lorna was looking back and forth at Nicky and Alex now, feeling as if she owed both of them an explanation on why she had suddenly come barging in inside the house of the woman she just broke the heart of.

"But when I was already there," she continued, trying to sound as coherent as possible. "I just couldn't go through with it. Everything just felt so _wrong_. Actually, no." She shook her head so hard, surprising both Alex and Nicky. "Everything was _perfect_. The flowers, the lights, the whole place looked incredibly beautiful. Except for one." Alex and Nicky waited, not realizing that both of them were holding their breaths for what they both hoped was what Lorna was going to say.

"It wasn't Christopher I wanted to marry. It's you," she was fully facing Nicky now, who still looked so shocked it made a reasonable excuse for her wild hair. "I mean, I'm not saying I want you to marry me. I mean, I do, but not right now. Whenever you want, all in good times, you know. _If_ you even want it. If not, it's okay. I totally understand." Lorna was rambling now and Alex suddenly found herself smiling because _finally_ , something good was happening right before her eyes.

"I made a mistake, and I'm so sorry. But I don't wanna spend the rest of my life being with someone I'm not even in-love with. I love you, Nicky. I'm sorry I let everything come to this before I finally realized it but I do. I love you so much that I can't live without you." But Nicky still hasn't said anything and Alex was ready to come knocking her back into her senses when Lorna spoke again. "Please say something."

But instead of saying something, Nicky looked at Alex as if asking her if it was real, if all of this was really happening right now. And Alex could only nod at her wearing the biggest smile she could have. It seemed to be the only thing Nicky was waiting for because before Alex could even realize what was happening, Nicky had closed the gap between her and Lorna, and she was kissing her like it was the last thing she'd ever do.

And it was also what Alex needed to remember what she was supposed to be doing right now. She was supposed to be with Piper, too. And so she was going to go home, and tell her again that they were going to be okay and actually _mean_ it now. So she stood up and cleared her throat. "Uhm, as much as I'd like to watch a free porn show right now, I gotta get back to my girlfriend, too."

Nicky and Lorna pulled away, Nicky looking so damn happy and Lorna trying to hide her face on Nicky's shoulder. "Go do that, Vause."

"Yeah." Alex nodded at Nicky before looking back at Lorna. "Thank you, Lorna." With that, Lorna untangled herself from Nicky and strode towards Alex before wrapping her arms around her. Alex hugged her back, feeling genuinely happy at the sudden turn of events. "Bye, congratulations," she added jokingly as she went out of Nicky's house, filled with so much hope for the first time in a really long time.

-o-o-o-

Alex reached her house in only a short matter of time, her excitement to see Piper taking over her body. She knew she was only apart from her girlfriend for a few hours but with the way things seemed to be looking up right now, she just couldn't help but miss her a whole lot more. She slowly opened her door, not wanting to startle Piper in case she was still sleeping.

When Alex got inside, everything was uncharacteristically quiet. The whole place still looked the same way she remembered leaving it last night, except for a few pans left unused. She scanned the place looking for Piper but she didn't seem to be anywhere outside her room. "Pipes?" she called out, forgetting that she wasn't supposed to be making any noise.

She then proceeded towards her room and to her surprise it was also empty. There was an unsettling feeling starting to settle on Alex's stomach now at the lack of sight of her girlfriend. "Piper?" She called out again, hoping that Piper was just inside her bathroom, but still no response came. She looked around her room, looking for any sign that Piper must have left to buy something or to go to her own place for a while but Alex felt her knees weaken at the sight that caught her eyes.

Her _drawer_ was open. And it wasn't just _any_ other drawer. It was something that she used to deem so _precious_ because it contained those things she now despised. She knew she left it closed but right now, it was _open_. She also knew that there were still heroin left in there, a _lot_ of it actually, but just as Alex looked inside it, it was _empty_.

"Piper?!" Alex was running around now, going to the bathroom inside her room first only to find it _Piper-less._ "Piper!" Alex screamed, certain that her legs would've given up on her now, if only she didn't have the desperate need to know where Piper was. She bolted out of her room and went straight to the bathroom just outside and there she saw the most terrifying sight she's ever had to witness her entire life.

"No... no..." Alex's heart was beating so fast she was sure it was bruising right inside her chest. "No, Piper!" She ran towards Piper, who was lying _lifelessly_ on the floor, the tourniquet still wrapped tightly around her arms, her mouth bubbling. She immediately reached for her wrist and looked for a sign of pulse and Alex almost threw up when she felt _none._

"Piper, baby. No, you can't do this to me," Alex's tears were now shooting from her eyes she almost couldn't see. She slumped down on the floor, taking Piper's slack body in her arms before she shook her with so much force she thought she could break her bones.

And without even meaning to do it, the memory of Ashley lying lifeless in her arms came flashing right in front of Alex's eyes and it was the last straw for her that she knew she was just about to lose her sanity, because _no_ , it couldn't be happening _again_. "Piper, wake the _fuck_ up!" She tried to lightly slap Piper's face, but her hands were shaking too much that all she could accomplish was bring her hand to her girlfriend's face.

She pulled Piper up bring her closer to her as she wrapped her arms tightly around her. "Please wake up. Please," she was losing her voice, and probably even her own will to live, too. "You can't leave me. You promised me you're never, ever going to leave me. _Piper..._ " Alex brought her head down downwards and pressed it against Piper's forehead, her shoulders wracking as she sobbed.

"Piper, don't you _fucking_ leave me!"

But Alex's voice had lost all of its conviction because with the sight in front of her right now, it seemed just like _Piper already had_.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **elliellie1,** Yeah, I'm glad you liked the previous chapter. And yey for Nicky and Lorna! Thank you for that review! =)

 **Budda1127,** Oh my God that is so sweet of you to say! I'm smiling like an idiot right now, I just can't believe you'd think that about my writing and this story. Thank you so much! You are an angel. =) I'm glad you think that about how I write the withdrawal symptoms, I'm kind of not sure if that's really how it goes but I try and hopefully I am close enough to its accuracy. Haha. Again, thank you very much for that review. It's gonna keep me going for days! You are wonderful! Hugs and kisses, my friend! =)

 **rach5878,** Hahaha! Okay, my friend. You got yourself a deal! =) Thank you for your review and hey, no need to apologize. No reviews are ever lame to me. =)

 **ejm137,** Thank you for that reassurance, I just thought that I could've done it better but thank God you think it's good enough. I appreciate the words of encouragement. =) Although I have to say this: sorry for how this chapter turned out. =(

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Thank you so much for such a detailed and well-thought review! I'm glad that you seem to approve of what I'm doing with this story so far. Haha. Yey for happy Nicky and Lorna, but nay for Vauseman, right? Sorry! =( But anyway, thank you again!

 **RJVause,** I'm glad I can surprise you in my own little way. Hopefully, I was able to do the same for this chapter. Although I know it's not the kind of surprise you'd wanna see. Haha! I hope you like how things turned out for Nicky and Lorna even though I never really showed it in detail. Thank you for your review, it's amazing! Here's the new update, enjoy!

 **TinyGuitarist,** I had to put in some "fluffy" stuff or else people are probably gonna start leaving me death threats. Haha! Just kidding. Thank you for that cute review! =)

 **amciotola1,** It makes me so happy when someone who isn't really that much into reviewing takes a few minutes of his/her day to leave one for my story, so thank you very much! You don't know how much your review just made my day. =) Hope you enjoyed this latest chapter. =)

 **schillingarmy,** Thank you so much! I'm glad you think so, it means a lot. =) Yeah, superwoman Vause, people. Haha. Sorry that this chapter took longer for me to post than usual. Have a great day as well!

 **Marauder-Lu,** I'm so glad you think that it was worth it, that was so nice of you. =) Thank you for such wonderful review and I hope you still find this chapter just as "worth it" haha.

 **WB79,** Long way to go for Vauseman, indeed. Hope you still have enough gasoline in the tank to join them in this ride. And yey for Nicky and Lorna! =)

 **izzielg,** Oh no, don't apologize. I appreciate every kind of review, positive or negative. Constructive criticisms are the reason I strive to become better at this, so thank you, really. I mean it. =) And thank you for your latest review as well. =))

 **SheriLovey,** Them being normal may just be something that isn't really _normal_ for Vauseman so you're probably gonna wait a little while for that. Haha! =)

 **Guest (glad Alex is trying to get her shit together),** Yes, she has to finally do it or everything will just be downhill for Vauseman and I don't want that. Haha. Thank you for the review! =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you for another reassurance, I appreciate it. =) As always, your review amazes me I feel so unworthy haha. And yes, as you may have noticed the next chapters are gonna be one heck of a battle indeed.

 **jo michael,** Hi, my friend, I am so glad you're back! And you don't have to apologize for the late reply as I totally understand. Thank you very much for that wonderful review! I missed you, too! Haha. And I'm so touched that you consider me as your "favourite" author in here, that really means a lot to me. How was Greece? I'm doing okay, probably not as much as you coz I'm still stuck in my country. I love it here, though. Haha. Your reviews always make me smile, too. Hope you're doing great, thank you! =)

 **Guest (love the way I wrote Alex),** I'm glad that you loved it! Somebody has to be the strong one for both of them, right? Things may have just gone downhill again and I'm so sorry for that. Thank you for the review!

 **sara lance,** Thank you very much for another review! And well, you found out what happened in this chapter. Please don't try to hunt me down and kick my ass. Haha!

 **Lily,** Thank you so much that means a lot =)

 **huggerguest,** I'm really happy to know that... and to know that you liked the flashback scene. =) And the darkest times may have just restarted again. Haha!


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

FRIENDLY REMINDER that this fan fiction is not called SHATTERED for no reason at all. So please don't get tired of my shit. I love you all. xo

AND OH MY GOD THE EMMYS!

 **18**

 _Piper was sprawled naked on the bed on her stomach, her face buried on her pillow when she reached out to the other side for Alex, only to be met by the coldness of it caused by her girlfriend's absence. She immediately turned her head sideways, half her face still plastered against the softness of her pillow. "Alex?" she called out, her voice still thick with sleep, hoping she was just in her bathroom. But only there was only silence and so she was forced to sit up, trying to figure out where Alex might have gone._

 _She grabbed her phone to check the time and it read 11:56pm. Alex and she had spent the whole day on the former's apartment just watching movies, and by watching movies, it meant them making out and having sex on Alex's couch while endless movies played on her television. It had been a while since they spent a whole day together just the two of them with Piper's work, and with Nicky and Lorna spending more and more time with them._

 _Not that Piper didn't like it. She actually loved hanging out with the two of them but she missed being with Alex alone so she insisted that they spent the day together and Alex agreed, not really needing that much convincing._

 _So basically, they managed to tire each other out pretty early into the night falling asleep in each other's arm, just right after Piper's eighth or ninth orgasm(she couldn't even keep count anymore) for the entire day (and Alex's sixth). But now she didn't know where Alex was and she was about to put her girlfriend's shirt on and go look for her, when the bedroom's door opened._

 _Piper's smile immediately widened as her unbelievably gorgeous girlfriend, wearing only a long shirt with undoubtedly nothing underneath, walked towards her, holding a somewhat huge round cake with three lit small candles at the middle. She then sat beside Piper, who now reached for another one of Alex's shirt and put it on._

 _Alex immediately groaned, "Ahh, you looked better that way. Why did you have to ruin it?"_

 _Piper just chuckled before looking at the cake Alex was holding. "What is that?" she asked, her eyes going back to her girlfriend's gorgeous face, only made more beautiful by the smile that adorned it and her current state, holding a cake like an adorable puppy. Who would have ever thought she'd ever compare Alex Vause to a puppy?_

 _"Uhh, fluffy thingy with frostings and candles, I don't know. I think it's called cake, I'm not sure."_

 _Piper again chuckled as she lightly pushed Alex. "Smart ass."_

 _"Smartass who just made you come... how many times again?"_

 _"You are such a smug bitch sometimes, you know?" Alex just laughed at Piper making the blonde shake her head, her stupid smile not leaving her face. "Now seriously, what is this? It's past 12, what are you doing bringing cake here."_

 _"Exactly. It's past 12. Meaning, it's already June 7_ _th_ _. Happy birthday, babe." Alex then leaned in and kissed Piper on the lips, the cake still held carefully in her hands. She smiled into the kiss and could feel Piper doing the same. When they pulled apart, Alex noticed an odd expression from Piper. "What?"_

 _"I just... it's..."_

 _Worry instantly took over Alex seeing Piper unable to formulate her words, thinking that she might have done something wrong. "What? Did I do something wrong?"_

 _"No, no." Piper shook her head vehemently seeing worry flash across her girlfriend's features. "It's just... no one has ever done this for me before," she looked down, seemingly embarrassed of this fact._

 _Alex's heart melted at Piper's words and that only solidified the fact that this woman was someone she would protect and take care of at all costs. No matter what. "Hey," she lifted Piper's chin up so she could meet her eyes. "You got me now, okay? And I swear to God, I'm gonna do everything everyone else has failed to do for you."_

 _Piper seemed to be at loss for words again by then, just realizing how damn lucky she was to have Alex in her life. Yes, all her life she's probably been the unluckiest person alive but meeting Alex, falling in love with Alex, had surely made up for all of those years. And at that moment Piper knew, that all she ever needed or would ever need was exactly right in front of her. "I love you," she said before leaning in to kiss Alex with as much passion as she could. "I love you so much," she again whispered against Alex's lips before finally pulling away._

 _Alex gave her a warm smile and her eyes were filled with so much love Piper felt like the air was being knocked out of her, in a terrifyingly good way. "I love you, too, babe. Now, come on. Make a wish!"_

 _Piper chuckled at Alex's excitement before closing her eyes. She could have wished for anything, probably a better job or great health for the rest of her life or whatever clichéd wish there was in this world. But she didn't. Because she knew what exactly she wanted. And it was to be with Alex for the rest of her life, to be with the only person who's made her believe that loving someone too much may be worth it after all._

 _And so that's what she wished for. And then she prayed to a god she was almost starting to believe in that wishing was all she ever needed to do for it to truly happen. Because right then she knew, that even death would be a lot less painful than losing Alex Vause._

-o-o-o-

 _Fear._

It was _everything_ Alex felt when she finally came to her senses and dialled 911 to tell them what was going on. It was _all_ she felt even after the paramedics has brought Piper back to life. It was _still_ what she felt the moment they got to the hospital and Piper had to be taken away from her and be brought to the emergency room.

Alex had only ever felt this _once_ , this mind and body-numbing fear that crept into every fibre of her being, stopping her from functioning like a normal person. She's only ever felt this oncein her life and that fear had almost knocked her on her feet that she never thought there still was something _worse_ than that.

But _this_ , this was something so much worse. Before, she was scared for Ashley's life and how helpless she was about the situation. But that fear she felt back then couldn't compare, even in the slightest fucking bit, to the terror that was consuming her right now.

Piper had been _dead_ in her arms. Even if it was just for a few minutes, _seconds_ even, her heart stopped _beating_. And just the memory of it squeezed tightly at her chest making it almost _impossible_ for her to breathe. Losing Ashley _broke_ Alex but right at that moment, she realized that losing Piper would _destroy_ her. If Piper _died_ , there was no way she was gonna survive it... there was no way she was gonna _want_ to live through it.

Because right then, Alex knew, that a world without Piper Chapman was a world she didn't _ever_ want to live in.

That was why when she was left alone with nothing to do but _wait_ , she did everything she could to will her mind to go _blank_ because if she didn't, just waiting to know whether Piper _lived or not_ without being able to do anything about it, there was no way in hell she was going to get through this without breaking down.

So when Nicky and Lorna arrived, frantic and panicked, Alex didn't even acknowledge them. Nicky kept asking her what happened, forcing her to say something, shaking her just so she could get a _reaction_ , because she and Lorna also needed to know what was going on with Piper. But Alex just looked at her, looked _through_ her. And that looked showed Nicky just how much this was _breaking_ Alex, and _quickly_.

For a while, Alex remained like that, stoic and unresponsive. But the moment she made out the worry laced in Nicky's voice when she asked _again_ what happened to Piper, it was like someone had pushed her back to reality making her remember where she was and why she was here. Piper's life was in mortal danger and there was this added fact that it may just be _her fault. And_ just like that, she started hyperventilating, feeling the air get sucked out of her and suddenly, she was on her feet, followed by an anxious Nicky and a sobbing Lorna.

"Alex! Where the fuck are you going?" asked Nicky, finding it hard to keep up with Alex's long strides. "Alex!"

"I can't... I can't stay, Nicky. I gotta get out of here," Alex said as she walked out of the hospital, with no real destination or whatsoever. She just needed to _get out_ , needed to go somewhere _other than here_ , somewhere she wouldn't be reminded of just how much she'd _once again_ fucked up.

"You can't leave. What about Piper?"

The mention of her girlfriends' name froze Alex to her spot and made her finally look at Nicky. And when she spoke, her voice was so dangerously calm, the kind of _calm_ that you get just before the real shit storm hit you unprepared. "I'm the _reason_ she's in there," her voice was barely a whisper but it spoke volumes and it left all of them speechless for a while before Nicky seemed to find her voice.

"No, you're not! Why do you keep blaming yourself for every fucking thing?!"

But Alex just looked at Nicky, seemingly unaware of what her best friend just said, before turning her back to her again and started walking away.

"Nicky," Lorna called out to her girlfriend, a silent question on what they were supposed to do.

"Stay here, okay? Wait for any news about P-Piper," answered Nicky as calmly as possible, even though her heart was hammering against her chest, worried like crazy about this person she never thought she'd grow to have this intense care and love for, just so she wouldn't worry Lorna all the more. "I gotta go follow Alex and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid."

Lorna nodded and for a few seconds, she and Nicky just stood there, unable to move. "She's gonna be okay, though, right?" she asked softly, afraid of the answer to the question she didn't even want to ask in the first place. Because she wasn't supposed to be _questioning_ this, there wasn't supposed to be any _doubt_ , she was supposed to _know_ that Piper was going to be okay. But she didn't and so she had to ask. "Piper... she's going to be okay?"

Nicky swallowed, surprised by her sudden urge to cry. "Y-yeah. She's going to be okay." And they were again overcome with silence, before Nicky pulled Lorna gently towards her to press a chaste kiss on her lips. "I have to go. I love you."

"I love you, too."

-o-o-o-

Alex's feet brought her to Piper's apartment and before she even realized what she was doing and what all of this may cause her, she was slumped down on Piper's bathroom floor, her whole body shaking as she cried. She folded her legs until her knees were tucked just under her chin, her fingers hastily raking through her hair just so she could hold onto something.

There was a reason she was here. She kept thinking that this was her fault... that she was the sole reason why Piper was in danger right now. But she also desperately wanted to know the answer to Nicky's question, and to believe what she thought Nicky knew as the answer. Alex wanted to think that _maybe_ this wasn't her fault, that there was some other reason this was happening. But whenever she would try to come up with _anything,_ she always ended up listening to that loud voice inside her head telling her that this was all on her.

She was the reason Piper thought shooting herself with heroin was a good idea. She was the first one who injected the drugs into Piper's system. She was the one who's caused Piper's addiction to become worse. She was the one who forced her to stop cold turkey. She was the one who left Piper at home alone when she knew she needed to be with her. She was the one who was stupid enough to leave the drugs in her drawer even though she knew that Piper was still not strong enough to resist the urge to shoot some. She was the one who didn't get home in time to be able to stop Piper before it was too late.

 _She was the whole goddamned, fucking reason for all of this._

Suddenly, everything just became too much for Alex and before her mind could process what she was doing, she was frantically reaching for the heroin left discarded on the bathroom floor. She didn't _pause_ , nor _think_. She was wallowing in self-blame and it was consuming her like a plague that she couldn't stop for even jus a _second_ to remember what this thing in her hand just did to Piper... to realize what it might do to her, too.

 _No_ , all she knew was that she wanted all of this to just _fucking stop_.

"What the fuck?!" Nicky, who always managed to arrive on the _right time,_ was soon hovering over Alex as she took what she was holding and threw them on the trash can. But she left the heroin on her hand because she had to get rid of it _permanently_. So she then walked to the bathroom's toilet bowl before throwing and flushing every last bit of the ruinous drugs, looking on as it got sucked in, wanting to make sure that it would be gone from Alex's reach for good. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Nicky wanted to be mad, but seeing just how _broken_ Alex was right now, all she could feel was _hurt_ and _worry_.

Alex took her glasses off, since it was almost falling off of her face anyway, and threw them harshly on the floor. She was still shaking, and she wasn't sure if it was because of the sobs wracking her whole body, or if it was from the cold she felt now that Piper wasn't here and was somewhere Alex didn't want her to be. "She wasn't _breathing_ , Nicky. I held her in my arms and she was..." Alex's ability to form a coherent sentence was gone as her sobs got even louder and more ear-piercing. _"Fuck!"_

Piper was _alive_ , Alex knew that. But the fact that she _almost_ wasn't, was hitting at her with so much intensity she couldn't pay much attention to the _now_ , wherein Piper was still fighting for her life with the possibility that she might _win_. All Alex could think about was how her heart stopped beating, and how she couldn't do anything about it and how any second now, it could _stop_ beating again.

"Alex," Nicky was now kneeling in front of Alex, gripping her best friend's shoulders, wanting it to hurt just so Alex could feel something else other than this heart-wrenching pain that was slowly eating her alive. "Please tell me what happened." Nicky looked at Alex pleadingly. "I care for Piper, too. Please, I just need to know."

"She... she OD'ed." It was barely a whisper, but it brought a sharp pang in Alex's chest, making it hard for her to breathe. "Nicky," and it was the last word Alex could get out before she clutched tightly on Nicky's shirt as she _wailed_ , her pain so evident in the way her body shook as she held on to Nicky for dear life. It wasn't just simply _crying_. It was an agonizing, excruciating, and torturous sound made out from pure gnawing pain, taking over every fragment of her being, ruining her very slowly so she couldn't miss feeling _all_ of it.

Nicky had by now wrapped her arms around Alex, too, not being able to stop the tears that escaped her eyes. She had seen Alex get broken once before and it was _ugly_ , but this, she wasn't prepared for. This was _nothing_ she had ever thought Alex would ever be, and it _scared_ her. "Alex," Nicky whispered, because what was really left for you to say to a person who was bit by bit _breaking_ right on your arms? "Piper is not dead. She's not dying anytime soon. And she's gonna need you when she wakes up. I know it's hard. But you have to pull yourself together."

Alex kept her head buried on Nicky's neck, staining her shirt with her tears. If this was happening ages ago, she wouldn't have let Nicky see how _vulnerable_ she was. But Piper had made every difference in her life and she just couldn't act tough in front of anyone anymore. Because Piper was fighting for her goddamned life and Alex was scared up to the very deepest part of her body.

"And _that_..." Nicky pointed to the toilet bowl where she flushed the drugs even though Alex couldn't really see it, not wanting to go over it again but felt the need to do so because she knew that Alex had connections and it would be as easy as snapping her fingers to ask for more if she wanted to. "You have to _stop_ resorting to it every time you feel like you can't do it anymore."

And somehow, Alex understood. And she agreed. She nodded her head, feeling her break down start to subside, despite the pain she was feeling getting worse.

Nicky disentangled herself from Alex because she wanted to look at her, stare her in the eye and let her know how this was scaring her, too... and that Alex wasn't _alone_ in this. "You have to promise me. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not gonna touch it again."

"I p-promise..." Alex said, her voice so soft and weak, her energy slowly leaving her.

And with that, Nicky once again pulled Alex in a bone-crushing hug and for a while, they stayed like that, trying to get strength from each other. They didn't voice it out but they both knew that this was just the beginning, and it's either going to get better or going to get even worse. And right now, they needed each other more than they ever had before.

-o-o-o-

It was a few hours later when Nicky received the call she's been waiting from Lorna telling them that Piper was finally out of danger. The whole time she was on phone, Alex just kept her gaze at her, assessing her reaction, looking for any sign that might tell her how Piper was doing. Not wanting to worry Alex any further, Nicky gave her a soft smile with a nod and she saw how Alex released a long tired sigh, telling Nicky just how much she's been carrying this weight in her shoulders for hours now.

"So, let's go?" Nicky asked Alex after ending the call with Lorna. She was expecting her to be excited to see Piper again, waiting for that I-can't-wait-to-see-her expression that never came. Alex just looked at her with an unreadable expression on her face, as she stayed seated firmly on Piper's couch. "Alex, you did understand that nod and smile I gave you, right? It meant Piper is okay now. Her doctor said you can go see her."

Alex opened her mouth to say something but decided against it at the last minute. Instead, she looked down on her feet as she shook her head. "I'm not sure if I can see her that way, Nicky."

"What way? She's okay."

"She's not dying. But that doesn't mean she's okay. She's _far_ from okay."

"I know. It's a long process for her, and you, to get better after all that happened. But Alex, she's gonna be farther from being okay if she wakes up and you're _not_ there. Right now, everything is shitty and she knows that. But we both know that the only way she'd feel like she's gonna get through that is if she sees you."

Thankfully, Nicky was able to convince Alex to go with her to the hospital. When they got there, Lorna told them everything the doctor has told her about Piper's condition. Turned out Alex wasn't too late after all, because if she was, Piper would probably be in coma right now suffering from a cerebral hypoxia, a condition caused by a lack of oxygen in a person's brain. But she was brought to the hospital on time, not the best case scenario because that would have been her not having to be brought to the hospital at all, and so now, they just had to wait for her to wake up and they could start from their again.

"Only one person can get in," stated Lorna, noticing how Alex's gaze was fixated on the door of the ICU. "You should go before she wakes up." Alex turned to Lorna for a brief second before looking back at the door again, still not having spoken a single word ever since she and Nicky arrived.

"Go on, Vause. Lorna and I will wait here for you." But Nicky could still see the hesitation on Alex's eyes and for a moment, she considered saving her from this _fear_ of seeing Piper and tell her that they could just come back the next day, but she also didn't want Piper to wake up alone. Alex would have to face her soon either way. "It's okay."

And finally, Alex nodded. "Th-thanks. You should go. I think I might stay the night."

"Y-you can't," Lorna immediately said, "...visiting hours are until 11:00 only. In the ICU, I mean." The brunette felt a sudden guilt as she saw Alex's face fall, her disappointment at not being able to stay with Piper the whole night evident. "I'm sorry. But as soon as she gets better, she could move to a normal room until she's allowed to leave the hospital."

Alex nodded. "Yeah. And no, it's not your fault. I, should, uh, go. I'll see you guys later?"

"Yeah, tell Chapman we said hi," Nicky said as Alex walked towards the ICU. "And that I'm kicking her in the ass when I see her!" she added, making Alex look back at her with a faint smile on her lips. "Everything's going to be okay, Alex."

Alex took hesitant steps towards the ICU, dreading how she would react once she saw Piper in her condition. She should be happy, _really_. But the ugly churning in her stomach and the unsettling guilt gnawing at her chest was keeping her from feeling ecstatic about the fact that Piper might be waking up anytime soon. She couldn't wait to see her face light up with her smile again, but she still wasn't ready to face her. But she had _no choice._ She had to be there when Piper woke up.

Before she opened the double doors of the ICU, she had to inhale deeply to calm her nerves and mentally prepare herself to face her girlfriend.

Then she did open the door.

And there laid her unbelievably beautiful girlfriend, looking peaceful as she slept despite the machines connected to her arms and chest through wires. Alex felt her chest tighten at the sight as she fought the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She tried to not dwell on it but there was that voice inside her head again growing only louder as she struggled to move closer to Piper.

 _"You did this to her."_ The voice was loud and clear and it took every bit of strength within Alex not to turn her back and walk away.

And then _finally_ , after what felt like infinite steps, she's reached Piper and Alex's legs finally gave up on her as she harshly sagged on the chair just beside the hospital bed. The raven-haired had to shut her eyes now, still not wanting to _cry_. She waited for her breathing to become even before opening her eyes again, finally able to look at Piper _properly_.

She sat closer to her as she delicately held her hand, intertwining their fingers together. "Hey, Pipes," Alex's voice cracked at the mention of her girlfriend's name. The last time she's used it was when she was desperately trying to wake her up and it evoked a million dangerous feelings that she had to swallow hard before she could speak again. "You, uh, scared me today. I really thought I'd lost you forever." With this, Alex looked away from Piper and just settled her gaze on their hands which surprisingly still fit together perfectly. "Just the thought of that makes me wanna rip all my hair out, you know?" She tried to laugh, but it wasn't a happy one and instead of it making her feel a little better, it made her feel even _worse_. "It's just..." Alex briefly looked at Piper before gently pressing her forehead against Piper's arm, her emotions all over the place. "...I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to come to this and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from all of it." She then cocked her head sideways so she could look at Piper's face again while still using her girlfriend's arm as her pillow, but making sure she wasn't hurting her. A tear dropped from her eye before she spoke again. "I love you, do you know that? I love you _so_... _damn_... _much_."

For a while, Alex didn't move, contently staring at Piper's face, wishing in probably a non-existent God's name that she could take time back, and maybe do the right thing if she could. But it was too late now and she's already fucked up so what was there left for her to do? So she again buried her face against Piper's arm, their hands still interlaced together. She knew that there probably were still so much to say and deal with, but right now, she was choosing to just spend this time with her girlfriend in peace. _While she still could._

It was a little more than half an hour when Alex felt Piper's fingers twitch slightly against her own hand. And then before she could even move to look at her girlfriend, she heard her speak in a voice she could barely hear.

"A-Alex?"

"Piper?" Alex stood up abruptly and went closer to Piper. "Pipes? Oh my God, do you need anything?" Alex was frantic now, scared that Piper may be in any sort of discomfort. But Piper just looked at her, not saying a thing. "Please tell me," she cupped Piper's face gently, brushing her thumb against her jaw. She tried to hide the worry in her eyes but she knew that she was failing massively.

But Piper just _smiled_. And it was that smile that Alex loved so much, that beautiful grin that Piper always used to wordlessly tell Alex that everything was fine, that perfectly sculpted smile that made Alex fall in love with her over and over again. "No," her voice was weak but it was full of conviction. She then lifted her arm and reached for Alex, holding whatever it was she could reach. "I've got everything I need _right here."_

And that was all Alex ever needed to finally let go and allow herself to break down. She sobbed violently as she leaned down to bury her face on Piper's neck, wrapping her arm lightly against her waist. She wanted to stop but her body seemed to have finally gotten tired of holding everything in, so she cried and cried some more.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," Piper's voice seemed to only grow softer. She held up her other hand this time, running it up and down the back of Alex's head, trying to comfort her as much as she could. "I'm sorry."

The sadness and regret in Piper's voice did it for Alex as she now managed to calm down, finally realizing that it shouldn't be Piper who was looking out for her right now. It should be the other way around, and it pissed her off immensely that she couldn't manage to keep it together.

"Sssshhh," she whispered, her face still stained with her tears. "Don't apologize... just... I just need you to feel better soon." She pressed a kissed on Piper's lips and she basked in how great it felt to feel her girlfriend's lips against hers again.

When they broke apart, Piper slowly nodded. "I will... feel better... for _you_."

Once again, Alex was taken aback with how much Piper seemed to want to do _everything for her._ And she hated it, because Piper's _everything_ shouldn't ever be _for her_. It felt wrong, like she was making Piper not leave anything _for herself_. "No, Piper. Not for me. For you," she said firmly, without sounding harsh.

Piper took her time before she spoke again, and when she did, she gave Alex a slight shake of her head. "I seem to make such stupid life choices when I make them for myself," she lifted her arms towards Alex, as if presenting her own condition as a proof to what she just said.

And then a tear fell from her eye, breaking Alex's heart into just about a thousand tiny pieces.

Alex wiped the tear away as she looked Piper in the eyes. "Then we'll work on that, okay?"

Piper once again smiled and nodded her head. "Okay."

"Okay," Alex repeated. "You should go back to sleep," she then said, noting how tired Piper still looked. She still wanted to talk to her, to feel as much of her as she could, but that could wait. Right now, Piper needed to get her strength back. And soon.

"You'll be here when I wake up?"

Alex remembered what Lorna said about not being allowed to stay overnight but she didn't want to upset Piper any more than she already seemed. She hated lying to her but she knew that if she told her she couldn't stay, piper would insist on staying up until she had to leave. So she gave her a genuine smile, before dropping another chaste kiss on her girlfriend's lips. "I'll be here."

-o-o-o-

Piper only had to stay another day at the ICU before moving to another room. And she was so grateful for it because it meant having Alex be with her almost the entire time. Alex never wanted to leave her. Even though Piper would tell her to go home so she could have some rest, Alex would insist on staying. And Piper didn't need to be told because she knew that Alex was still holding herself responsible for what has happened to her. So she took care of her. Gave her anything she needed before Piper would even realize she needed it. She was almost never out of her sight and Piper just fell in love with her a whole lot more.

Nicky, Lorna, and Red also came and visited her. True to her words, Nicky gave her hell for what she did, but Piper didn't take any offense from it knowing that it was all coming from Nicky's care and love for her. But she could see Alex shooting daggers at Nicky the whole time, obviously not happy at the harsh (but not really) words she was giving Piper. So Piper had to mouth an "It's okay," to her girlfriend just so she could finally relax.

Lorna was just sitting there quietly giving her warm smiles but her mere presence was enough for Piper. She was glad that she and Nicky seemed to be finally working it out. It was obvious how much they loved each other and she was totally happy for them. The last time before this all happened, Alex gave her the _bad news_ about them and it was nice to be met by this nice surprise.

Red, on the other hand, looked like she was trying to hold back whatever she wanted to say to her. Piper wasn't sure if it was because Red thought she was still somewhat fragile, or she was doing it for the sake of Alex. Either way, she was just glad that she was there, the _closest_ thing to a _mother_ she'd ever get. If she was being honest, she actually liked it.

Days passed and they would constantly visit her and it made _getting better_ so much easier on Piper. On her second to the last day at the hospital, they again came to visit and express how happy they were about her getting out. And it showed, they all seemed to be excited and ecstatic. Except for Alex.

So when the three have left, Piper decided to ask her about it. "Al? Are you okay?"

"You're the one in a hospital bed, Piper. I think I'm the one who should be asking you that." Alex said in an even tone, barely looking at Piper.

"No, it's just... you don't look... you look a little off."

"Piper, you almost died in my fucking arms, don't you think I deserve to be a _little off_ even just for a minute?" It came out more harshly than Alex probably would have wanted it to and she immediately realized it as Piper flinched at her words. "I'm sorry... God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you like that." She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. "It's just... I've been worried."

"Babe, I'm fine now. I'm getting out tomorrow, remember?"

"Are you?" Alex immediately asked before Piper could even finish her sentence. "Really? Do you think you're really fine?"

With Alex's tone, Piper knew what she meant. Getting out of the hospital didn't mean that this was over. And she was aware of that, more than she ever had, actually. But unlike before, she now believed that she was going to be fine... that she and Alex were going to be _fine_. "I don't think that I'm fine. _I know._ I got you, remember?"

But Alex didn't say anything back. Instead, she just took her hand and held it in her fingers, and somehow, Piper felt as if Alex was trying to memorize it. And for the first time ever since _Alex_ , she didn't know what to make out of it.

-o-o-o-

It was the day Piper was going to be discharged from the hospital. The moment she woke up, she saw Alex just looking at her and Piper should be happy waking up to that but there was something in Alex she couldn't put her finger on. She seemed so out of it, and Piper didn't understand why. Alex should be happy, right? Because she was getting out.

But then again, maybe Alex was just afraid for what their world outside the hospital now meant. It was just gonna be the two of them again without any _medical_ help, and there was still a battle left undone and so maybe Alex was just a little worried of that... because it wasn't gonna be _easy_. And it was surely going to be a hell of a fight.

So Piper chose to ignore it and just made a mental note to herself to do whatever it would take just so she and Alex could get through this. That " _You got me,"_ line Alex told her months ago was what was keeping her stay positive because _really_ , it was all she ever needed to know. So she was holding on to that, until they were both better... and probably even after that.

To Piper's surprise, Alex decided to go home first, telling her that she wanted to bring their stuff over there first. For some reason, Piper knew that Alex was lying about it, about why she really wanted to go home. But she didn't know what the real reason was, and yet she _didn't ask_. Maybe Alex needed it. Maybe she just needed to breathe some air, other than the stinking smell inside the hospital she was probably tired of by now. And Piper couldn't really blame her for that.

But it was only about an hour before she had to be discharged but Alex still wasn't back. It had been _four_ hours since she left and Piper was trying not to be worried but she was failing pretty badly at it. She would have called Alex but she didn't have any phone with her. She had also asked the nurses to call her girlfriend for her but they always came back to her saying their calls were going straight to voicemail.

30 minutes more had passed but still, Alex didn't show. Piper was almost hysterical by now, the worst thoughts plaguing her mind. What if something happened to Alex? What if she's been in an accident and no one had seen it? The crazy thoughts weren't for sure helping but there was nothing else she could do and it was making her _desperate_.

A few more minutes later, she saw the door open and she breathed a deep sigh of relief at the sight. _Alex was safe_.

But it wasn't Alex at the door. It was Nicky. And it was a Nicky she almost couldn't recognize because gone was the happy, crazy friend that she always knew. This was a _sad_ Nicky... a sullen, dejected-looking Nicky.

And it probably was a Nicky she wouldn't ever want to remember because it was also that person who told her how Alex was gone... no, how Alex had _left_. And how she thought, with the hope that maybe she was _wrong_ , that there was no way Alex was _coming back_.

And Piper just sat there thinking that maybe, _just maybe_ , she would have been better off left _dead_ , after all.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

Tried to keep the my responses to your reviews as short as possible coz the number of words in this chapter is getting way out of hand. But I just want you all to know that I appreciate every review, short or long. Thank you so much! Virtual group hug everyone!

 **Guest (is this real?),** Uh, yes she's OD'ed. And you're right she can't die. Haha. =)

 **Budda1127,** And once again, your review has rendered me speechless. Thank you! For thinking that I deserve much of your time for those long reviews, I am super flattered. And you're most definitely awesome, too! Hugs and kisses! =)

 **sara lance,** Haha! You still up for that talk? Coz right now, I'm about ready to hide. Thank you! Your reviews are always so nice and awesome, just like you. =)

 **vausemanoitnb,** I'm sorry for making you cry! =(

 **WB79,** Yes, I didn't let Piper fucking die. Haha! =)

 **vausegasm,** First of all, you're awesome. And second of all, you're awesome. And no need to go violent on me, Piper is alive. But as for this chapter, forgive me. Hahahaha.

 **TinyGuitarist,** Yes, I'm a terrible person I'm so sorry. Haha! And yeah of course, that most definitely was not the end. That's just beyond cruel if I ended it like that. =)

 **orange621,** I'm sorry. I don't know if you're aware but I looove cliff hangers. You'll just have to find ot til the end, right? Haha! =)

 **amciotola1,** Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. Piper is back. =))

 **rach5878,** Haha, I kind of love you, too! But I don't hate you. Coz that review was so freaking nice and I just want to thank you for it. Sorry the update took longer than usual. =)

 **RJVause,** No problem! And I like surprising people, haha. Sorry this update took longer than usual. Hopefully the content made up for it. I don't know how, but you know. Haha. =)

 **Joey2920,** I don't know why I do this actually. I think I like hurting people. Haha! Just kidding. But I'm sorry for the pain I've been putting all of you through. And I think you should decide for yourself (especially after this chapter) if Piper is okay or not. Haha! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Thank you for that amazing review! Detailed as always. =)

 **valevauseman,** Sorry for the previous chapter's ending. And I'm sorry for this chapter's ending. I'm sorry for everything. Haha! But thank you for your review. =)

 **Queen of Rad,** Thank you for refusing to believe that Piper is dead because yes, she's alive! Hopefully, you won't cry yourself to sleep tonight. Haha. =)

 **elliellie1,** I'm a very cruel person and I'm sorry but I'm also not sorry because it is so... good... to see you reactions like this haha! Thank you for the kind review! =)

 **schillingarmy,** How about the end to this chapter? Haha! Hm, as you've read Piper is not dead so you were right about me not letting her die (because who would do otherwise, really? Haha) Thank you! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** Playing with people's emotions seems to be slowly becoming my talent. Haha. I hope your heart is okay and your blood stayed intact inside your body. Thank you for your review! =)

 **FFChik,** Thank you for another amazing review, I may be saying this over and over now but really, your reviews always make me smile. =)

 **Sue,** I'm trying to wrap it up now coz the drugs part is also stressing me already. It's difficult to write haha. I'm glad you like the Nichorello part. Thank you for that review!

 **Lily,** Oh no, I'm sorry I never want to kill you. Haha. Here's the new update, sorry it took long.

 **vausemania,** Hey what's up? Sorry this update took long. Thank you for that review, though. Haha.

 **jomichael03,** Hi! I'm telling you now, Piper is not dead. I could never kill her! Thank you so much! I've been always meaning to PM you but it always slips my mind, I'm sorry. I'm glad you had an amazing time! And bleh indeed for summer almost coming to its end. Good luck with university. As always, I am doing great! Lots of love to you, too. =)

 **Guest (OH. MY. GOD.),** Hey, thank you for that review! And you know I couldn't kill Piper coz you're right Alex has suffered enough and I wouldn't do that to her. =)

 **izzielg,** Alex Vause extends her apologies. Haha. Jk. But as I've mentioned, she didn't want Piper to see her in *that* state so she kind of postponed going home for a bit, but then she went home as soon as she realized she was fine. =)) Anyway, thank you! And sorry this update took long. =(

 **Vausemaniac,** You, my friend, have officially made the list of my favourite people in the entire universe. I don't even know how to respond to your reviews! They're wonderful and I've even screenshot them just so I can read them over and over again. Thank you so much! There are no words I can say enough. =))

 **Guest (*crying*),** Sorry if this fic is making you sad. Let me hug you now. *tight hug*

 **huggerguest,** Uhh, I guess I'm a little insane, yeah. Sorry for that cliffhanger. But hey, did you really think I'd kill Piper?

 **piccolover22,** Haha, you know me too well! =))

 **emkatesupertramp,** Holy freaking shit, your review is awesome! Haha. Anyway, yey for Alex not losing another person. But maybe nay for Piper losing one instead? Sorry =(


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

We've reached the peak of the angst last chapter, I think. And when you reach your lowest point, there's no other way to go but up, right? =)

Anyway, this wasn't edited and was really rushed so I'm really sorry for any mistakes but I'm not feeling very well but I wanted to just post this now. =(

 **19**

" _And if you loved me... why'd you leave me?"_

-o-o-o-

If Alex would look back at the most fucked up thing she's ever had to do her whole life, she wouldn't have to look back that far. She wouldn't have to look back _at all_ , because her worst fuck up?It's happening right now as she drove away from the woman she swore she would never ever leave. She was driving away from Piper... she was driving away from _home_.

But the difference this time was she actually _thought_ about this. It wasn't some slip up, or it wasn't caused by something that was out of her control. This time, she _chose_ to do this. And she wasn't sure if that made it better or worse... that she had the option to stay, and yet she had chosen to leave.

One thing she was sure of, though, was the fact that she _had to leave._ She had to go before Piper would do something worse than what has already happened. Alex had thought about all of it, about where everything has come to. She had seen how Piper had started doing everything in her life _for her... because of her_. It was obvious how Piper trusted her with her life and that was something Alex could never allow to happen.

She was _bad_ for Piper. She had ruined the Piper she first met, that person with _hope,_ that person who still believed, even if she wasn't really aware of it herself, that there was still chance for her to have a life better than what she was used to. But Piper _met_ her. And somehow, that was the start of her downfall.

So Alex left. Because it was the only way she could save Piper from totally ruining her life. Yes, it might look bad during the first few days, probably even weeks. But in the _long run_ , this was what Piper needed. She had Nicky, Lorna and Red now. She wouldn't have to go through this alone anymore.

Some people may think that Alex was choosing the easy way _out_ , but she wasn't. Because there was nothing _easy_ in walking away from the only person she had ever given the chance to break her again after she's already been broken enough.

But she had to do it. _She just had to._

So she drove, without any real destination. The road seemed endless and she knew that wherever she would decide to go to, it wouldn't really matter anymore. She was already _lost_ anyway. So she kept going, trying so hard to think of anything else other than Piper, or the way she would look at her with so much love, or the way her scent would linger even after she's already left, or the way her mouth tasted against her own. She goddamned tried. But it was hell _trying_.

-o-o-o-

When Nicky came inside Piper's room and told her that Alex had left, Piper's first instinct was to laugh. Because clearly Nicky was just kidding, right? Alex leaving her would be the biggest joke ever made because Alex _would never do that_. She promised her she would always stay. She did. Right?

But Nicky's face didn't show any hint of humor. In fact Piper had never seen her _that_ serious in all her life and that's when everything sunk in. Nicky wasn't _joking_. Alex had left and she was never coming back. That one person Piper thought would never leave her. That one person she thought was different from everybody else.

 _Alex had left and she was never coming back_.

When the truth had finally hit her, Piper thought she was going to just break down and cry. Because that was the normal reaction when the person you had allowed your world to revolve around left. You were supposed to get hurt. But instead, Piper found herself feeling _nothing_. She stood up, not even acknowledging Nicky's questions about whether she was okay or not. She just walked past her, went straight for the door and started walking.

But still, she waited for the pain to come. She waited for it to seep through every fibre of her being and knock the wind out of her. With every step that she took, she _waited_. But it didn't come. All she felt was _numbness_ and soon enough, she had unintentionally tuned everyone out. It was like she was walking in a spotless place, no people, no anything. It was just _her_ and her _alone._

Suddenly she felt a hand loop around her arm stopping her on her tracks, pulling her back to the reality that she wasn't _alone_ and that she was supposed to feel at least _something_. But Piper couldn't bring herself to do so, and in some twisted way, she welcomed it... feeling _nothing_... feeling _empty._ Because she knew that if she allowed herself to feel even just the tiniest bit of the _pain_ she was supposed to be feeling right now, there was no way she was going to survive that.

So when Nicky asked her one more time if she was okay and if she needed anything, all she gave her was a smile, even though the smile felt hollow... and _unreal_. She smiled. And then she started walking.

-o-o-o-

For Alex, the first day was tough. It was all drinking and crying and wallowing in self-blame and memories of Piper that just wouldn't go the hell away. But maybe it would get better. Eventually.

But the second day was much, much worse. The drinking wasn't helping anymore. The crying had stopped but it only made her feel worse because her feelings were getting bottled up inside her and all she wanted was to scream and break things and feel anything other than the excruciating pain she was currently feeling. But instead, she found herself lying on the hotel bed, the pain she felt on every part of her existence getting magnified by the minute.

And yet it was during the third day that Alex knew she was in hell. She started vomiting everything she would take in until she wouldn't even try to eat anything anymore. She didn't know if it was because of all the alcohol or it was still part of her going through withdrawal or it was from all her mixed emotions because of the realization that she might just have lost Piper for good. She spent almost the entire day slouched down on the hotel's bathroom floor, having lost all the energy to move. She didn't _wanna_ move. It was horrible and she felt sick to her stomach but there was nothing worse than the fact that this was how her life was going to be from now on... a life _without_ Piper.

On the fourth day, sleeping wasn't even an option anymore. Because even then, she was plagued by Piper through her nightmares. And every nightmare had been worse than the last, causing Alex to wake up screaming and crying and wanting all of this to just end only to realize that everything was just _starting_. So she had stopped sleeping... and it wasn't just because of the nightmares. It was also because sleeping meant having to wake up afterwards. And Alex just couldn't find any good enough reason to _want_ to wake up anymore.

-o-o-o-

Nicky tried everything she could to get a reaction from Piper. Piper hadn't cried. She had not screamed or lashed out at anything. And Nicky wanted her to do all those things. She wanted her to cry or yell or break everything she would see. Because that would be a whole lot better than the Piper that sat unmoving in front of her right now. She was just staring straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular. Nicky would ask her things and Piper would just look at her as if she's looking at nothing. She would ask her to do things and Piper would just do it without any questions, without saying anything at all.

And then the withdrawal symptoms were back. Piper had started vomiting and shaking and sweating and Nicky, or sometimes Lorna or Red would be there to take care of her but Piper didn't seem to even care anymore. In fact, it was during those times when she looked as if she couldn't take anymore of the _torture_ that were the withdrawal symptoms that Piper seemed to look better, more human.

Because that proved that Piper could still feel something. Because when Piper had gotten past the worst of all of it, when she seemed like she's past that point where she would itch for a shot of heroin or any drugs at all, that's when Nicky felt as if she's truly _lost_ Piper. Nicky didn't realize that looking into someone's eyes would scare her one day until she looked at Piper's and saw _nothing._ They were blank and empty and she tried pulling her back but Piper had totally retreated from everyone.

Nicky thought there wouldn't ever be a day when she would _hate_ Alex, but right then, she couldn't help but feel that towards her because right in front of her was the person that Alex had intentionally _broke_. And Nicky could see that Piper was broken beyond repair. Yes, she might survive the drug addiction, she actually might already have. But there was another addiction that Piper had and that addiction was _Alex_. And that was way worse because it was something Nicky wasn't sure Piper even wanted to get rid of.

Because Nicky would look at Piper and all she could ever see was a person who had truly lost all the will to live.

-o-o-o-

It took Piper exactly four weeks. Four weeks of not speaking. Four weeks of barely eating and sleeping. Four weeks of existing but not really living. It took her four weeks before she finally _snapped_.

"Wake up," Nicky not-so-subtly shook a sleeping Piper. She had been patient with her for the last four weeks but patience just couldn't do it for Piper anymore. So if being harsh was the way to do it, then she just had to. There was no way she was just gonna let Piper be like this for the rest of her life, like some pathetic person who depended her life on someone who couldn't care enough to _stay_. "Piper," she said a little more loudly this time but Piper still did not move. "Chapman, I swear to god if you don't get your ass up right this second..."

Then finally, Piper rolled over to lie on her back as she slowly opened her eyes. "What do you want, Nicky?"

It was the first time Piper had said anything at all ever since she got out of the hospital and Nicky was taken aback just by how little she could recognize Piper from her voice. It sounded hoarse and lifeless. "I want you to get up and start living your damn life again." Nicky sounded mad but still, her heart broke at the sight in front of her.

Piper sighed before rubbing her face harshly as she got up and went out of bed. She stood beside Nicky lamely stretching her arms as if to present herself. "There, you happy now?"

"Piper, you have got to stop doing this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything."

"And that's exactly the whole problem! You're not doing anything!" Piper started walking towards the bathroom as if Nicky didn't say anything at all. "Piper, Alex is gone—"

Piper suddenly stopped walking. She still had her back on Nicky and Nicky could see how her body had tensed. "Stop," she said, her voice weak.

"You're the one who needs to stop! She left and she's not coming ba-"

"Stop it, right fucking now."

Piper's voice was dangerously calm and yet Nicky could finally hear a hint of anger laced with it. And Nicky knew that she only needed to push her a little bit more. "No! I am done watching you destroy yourself for her... for someone who doesn't even look like she gives a single fuck-"

That seemed to have done it for Piper because she had now turned around to look at Nicky, hands balled into a tight fist, her eyes on the brink of tears. "Do you think that this is what I want?! Nicky, _Alex_... _left_... _me_." Nicky could see Piper struggle to let out those words, as if voicing them out loud had finally made all of this so much more real to her. And she saw just how Piper shatter just a little bit more with every word. "She made me believe that she wouldn't, that she wasn't like any of them, but she _left_." Tears were now streaming down her face and somehow, Nicky was relieved to finally see some emotion in her eyes. "Do you understand how _fucking_ hard it is for me to _not_ think about any of that? I am... fucking... trying. I am trying so damn hard not to think about it even just for a second because if I did...?"

And that's when Piper finally let _everything_ out. Her body shook violently as she cried, all her pent-up emotions finally breaking out of her like a train wreck. For weeks, she made herself believe that she was going to be able to get on with her life without feeling anything. She couldn't think about it. She couldn't let herself go there, because if she did, she knew that she wasn't going to be able to live through the pain of having left by the only person she really and truly believed would stay.

But she didn't realize that doing nothing and feeling nothing would even be worse when she would finally start _feeling_ again. Because right now, all the pain and hurt she refused to feel were crashing on her and it was _pure agony_.

Loving Alex Vause may have been the best thing that's ever happened to Piper. But it was also the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-destroying thing and if there was one thing she could take back, it would be having met her because right now, she hated her so much because after everything that has happened, Piper still loved her so fucking deeply. And how she wished she could just stop.

All the while, Nicky held Piper. She didn't tell her to stop crying. She didn't tell her that everything was going to be okay. Because Piper needed to cry and Piper needed to be the one to make herself believe that soon enough, she was going to be okay. She had to reach that point of her life by really _wanting_ it and not because somebody else needed her to. Piper had been doing almost everything for the sake of others and it was about time she started doing things for herself, too.

And by crying it all out right now, maybe she had just taken the first step in doing that.

-o-o-o-

 **Six months later...**

"Yo, Chapman! How's it going?" Nicky entered Red's Diner with Lorna in tow as she approached the blonde who was currently seated behind the counter. "How's life as a manager treating you?"

"Hi!" greeted Piper with a wide smile adorning her face. It was officially her fifth day as the manager for Red's Diner, having been "promoted" by Red ever since she had started working on a second branch of her diner just outside town. "It's been _boring_ so far, there's nothing much I've been doing for the past days and I'm bored outta my mind."

"Ahh, you'll get used to it," assured Lorna who then excused herself to go to the bathroom.

"You better be doing a great job at this. Because if you fuck this up and Red tries to kill you, you won't expect me to come to your rescue."

Piper chuckled at this as she nodded her head. "Thank you for the warning, I'll put that in mind."

Suddenly, they heard chimes as the door opened. Piper was about to greet the customer who had just arrived when her eyes suddenly widened at the sight. Her mouth stayed agape as she tried to convince herself that this was indeed happening and she wasn't just dreaming.

"Piper? Have you seen a ghost or something?" asked Nicky who didn't fail to notice the sudden change in Piper's demeanour. She then turned around to see who evoked that kind of reaction and there stood a bearded blonde guy who was looking at Piper with a familiar expression. Affection?

"C-Cal?" Piper whispered, only loud enough for her and Nicky to hear.

This caught Nicky's attention and her head immediately snapped towards Piper at the realization of who had just suddenly showed up. "Holy shit." Nicky looked back at the guy, who she now knew as _Cal,_ Piper's younger brother. "I can take it from here, Piper. Seems like you have something you need to deal with right now."

Piper slowly approached Cal who seemed unsure on what to do. "C-cal, is it... it's you, right?" Piper asked apprehensively, not trusting herself to be a hundred percent sure about this. She hasn't seen her brother in years, after all.

"Yeah," Cal said, his lips finally curving up into a smile. "It's me. Hi, sis. Did you miss me?"

"Oh my God, Cal!" Piper had suddenly ran towards Cal as she pulled him into a tight hug. Her brother had wrapped her arms around her, too, and soon enough, there were tears, _happy tears_ , that were streaming down Piper's face. They stayed like that for a while, just enjoying each other's warmth. It had been _so long_ since they last saw each other and Piper had always imagined what it would be like if she saw her brother again but she never thought that it would feel this _amazing_. "I can't believe this," she said when they pulled apart, bringing her hands to cup his face. "It's really you. H-how did you find me?"

Cal seemed to pause for a significant amount of time before deciding to just shrug off Piper's question. "Does it really still matter? The important thing is I'm here and we're together again, right?"

Piper let out a chuckle as she wrapped her arms around her brother again. "Yes, oh my God I missed you so much." When she pulled away, she was suddenly filled with guilt and it didn't go unnoticed by Cal.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for leaving you—"

"Hey," Cal cut her off as he shook his head. "Don't be sorry. I don't want you apologizing for that, okay? You did what you had to do. And I'm glad that you did. I couldn't bear to look at you suffer another second because of th-them. It's all fine, Pipes. I'm just really happy to see you again."

"Me, too!" said Piper, feeling like a huge rock was taken off her shoulders knowing that Cal didn't hold a grudge against her for leaving. She felt so happy that it almost felt foreign to her. She's never felt this way in a _really_ long time. "Come here, I'll introduce you to my friends."

But before Piper could pull Cal towards Nicky and Lorna, Cal held her arm to stop her. "Wait, Piper. There's someone else here with me."

"What?" asked Piper, surprised. Her heart instantly beat faster at the thought of who Cal might be with. "Who?"

"Stay here, okay?" Cal then walked out of the diner leaving Piper to exchange looks with Nicky and Lorna who looked conflicted about whether to be happy or worried for Piper. But Piper gave them both a smile as an assurance that she was _fine_ , more than she's ever been in months now.

But that feeling was suddenly replaced by anger when she saw Cal come back in with the last person she ever thought she'd see him with. "What are you doing here?" Piper asked calmly but there was nothing calm inside of her. All her anger had suddenly come back, not expecting to see this person ever again.

"Piper, please let me explain," Danny took one step closer to Piper only for the blonde to back away.

"Don't you dare come near me."

"Hey," said Cal, who went to stand in between his two siblings. "Piper, I understand where you're coming from. Believe me, I do. But you had your own reasons for leaving and Danny had, too. Don't you think it's time we all forgave each other? We were kids and messed up. Now, we're all grown up and are on the right mind to know that we only have each other left. I mean, there's still Dad, but who the fuck cares, right?" He looked back and forth between his brother and sister. "Remember when we were kids and would always have the _greatest_ times when the three of us were together? We can have that again, now. We can't let whatever happened in the past ruin what we can have right now."

Piper seemed to hesitate at first but seeing the hopeful look on her younger brother's face and the obvious regret in Danny's, she allowed herself to think of what Cal said. And she was surprised to realize that she actually thought he was right. How hypocrite would she be for asking Cal for forgiveness for leaving him when she couldn't forgive Danny for doing the same thing? And she couldn't also hide the fact that she missed her older brother, too.

Cal was right. They've been separated before and it wasn't even their own fault. Now they were all together and she wasn't about to ruin it just because of an anger that wasn't even really caused by Danny in the first place. So she exhaled one long breath as she finally decided. She could _finally_ be happy. This was her chance. And she was damn well taking it.

"You're right." She then looked at Danny, and hesitantly gave him a soft smile. "It's good to see you again."

And with that, Danny enveloped her in a bone-crushing embrace, until Cal had joined in, too. On the other side of the room, Nicky and Lorna looked over with the biggest smiles on their faces, plus tears on Lorna's eyes, so damn happy that maybe Piper could really be _genuinely happy_ again.

-o-o-o-

On the other side of town, Alex slowly walked her way to the place she never thought she'd be able to set her foot on again. At first she still tried, because that's what good daughters were supposed to do. But then in the end she realized that she shouldn't have had to come here _so soon_. She should have had a lot more time with her mom. And so the next visits had started becoming much harder than the previous ones. Until she just stopped coming.

But she was done being that coward little shit and she knew it was about time she saw her mom again. Even if it wasn't in the way that she really wanted. So here she was, standing over her mom's grave, holding a bouquet of flowers she knew her mom would have hated anyway, because she's just not the bouquet of flowers kinda gal. But still, Alex brought her some. Because she knew that her mom would have hated the flowers, but she would have loved the gesture. And that's what really mattered.

"Hi, Mom," Alex said as she sat down in front of the now-slightly dingy tombstone. She dropped the flowers carefully in front of it before she grazed her fingers over her mom's engraved name. "I'm sorry I haven't visited you in a while. It's just... there were a lot of things that happened. And I know that's no excuse but I..." Alex sighed as she retreated her hand from her mother's grave.

"I fucked up, Mom. I fucked up _so_ bad. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Alex paused, thinking of all the things she should be telling her mom. There were a lot of things that needed to be said but right now, she was here to tell her good news. "But I'm not gonna bore you with all those things because I know you've been looking down on me all these time. Hopefully not vomiting angel dusts, yeah?" Alex let out a soft laugh, having imagined just how much her mom would have cringed at that.

"The reason I'm here is to tell you that I managed to put my shit together. May have been a little later than I was supposed to but I did it, right? I mean, there are still _things_ I need to fix, and I don't know if I'm still going to be able to fix them but I won't stop until I think I've done everything. I know that's what you would've told me... if you're still here." By then, Alex had felt wetness on her cheeks, surprised that she had already been crying. She promised herself _not_ to cry when she came here but maybe it had been too long since the last time she cried for her mom and that right now, it was okay to do just that.

"I miss you so much. I hate that you had to leave me _so fucking soon_. But I guess there are really just times when people _have_ to leave. And I know you're just always there anyway so..." Alex then wiped the tears that had now settled on her cheeks, smiling slightly at the memory of the person she loved more than anyone else in the world. She missed Diane, but she knew she's never really left her side.

"There's another reason why I'm back. You know... Piper? You would have loved her. She's beautiful... and smart and kind... and so fucking hot." Alex chuckled but the smile on her lips was instantly gone the minute she remembered just why exactly she was here. "And I... I love her so, _so much_. But I think I screwed it up. And I'm here to fix it. And I'm scared. Because I don't know if she's gonna forgive me... and I don't know if I can take it if she won't."

"And I just... I just need you to tell me that everything's going to be fine. Because I'm freaking out. It's been way too long and I know a lot of things have changed since then but I don't know just how much of the change I can take. So... promise me you're gonna be with me all the way?" And then Alex waited for an answer. She's been waiting for an answer from her mom for so many years even though she knew she would never really get one. And it sucked how much it still hurt to not be getting any answers from her mom anymore.

Alex stayed for another hour, just telling her mom random stories. If she were still alive, she would have kicked her ass at every fucked up thing she's ever done but in the end, Alex knew she was gonna tell her that she still loved her anyway. And then she would hug her and assure her that one day, everything would fall on their right places and she then she would just laugh at all the things that made her cry before.

This wasn't as _good_ as the real thing but being here, Alex felt as if it's the closest thing to that she would get. And it surprised her just how much it made her feel good. Her mom may not be with her _physically_ anymore but Alex could still feel her every time and that's honestly more than enough.

So when she knew it was about time to face the other _thing_ she's been trying to dodge ever since she came back _,_ Alex stood up. "I'm gonna have to go now. I'll see you again soon, Mom. I promise it won't take years this time. Not even a week. I love you."

And so Alex turned around and started walking, wondering how on earth she was gonna face Piper not knowing just how much the blonde probably hated her right now.

But there was another person she had to face first. And knowing Nicky, Alex knew this was going to be tough as hell.

-o-o-o-

Alex has been sitting on Nicky's porch for almost half an hour and she was about to give up waiting for her to arrive anytime soon when she saw two familiar figures walking their way towards her. She was glad that they both were too focused on each other so they didn't see her immediately because it meant she could take a good look at them first before shit would hit the fan. It was great knowing that Nicky and Lorna were still together and she didn't realize just how much she had missed them, especially her best friend, until they were about a few feet from her.

But then it had to happen. It was Lorna who looked up first and it was also her who first stood frozen on her spot at seeing Alex. "Alex?"

"What? I'm Nicky," said Nicky who still hadn't looked away from Lorna to look at who her girlfriend was really talking about. But then Lorna gave her _a look_ and it was all she needed to finally put her gaze away from her and see for herself what made Lorna look so worried and confused and somewhat _happy_ at the same time. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Nicky," warned Lorna who gripped Nicky's arm tightly. "Hey Alex, it's nice to see you again," she said towards Alex giving her a wide smile. "I'll, uh, leave you guys to talk." Lorna then looked intently at Nicky before whispering, "Please be nice. I'm sure she has an explanation for what's happened. Just hear her out first." She waited until Nicky nodded reluctantly before looking back at Alex again. "I'll see you around?"

Alex smiled, "Yeah. It's nice to see you, too, Lorna." When Lorna has left, Alex stood up and put her hands inside her pockets. She's never been nervous talking to Nicky ever before, but right now she didn't even know what to say or how to react. But she knew that Nicky wasn't gonna say the first word so she did. "I know you probably hate me right now—"

Before Alex could even finish her sentence, Nicky cut her off immediately. "Probably?"

"Nicky, I just need you to listen to me. Please."

Nicky walked past her to open her door. She started walking inside and waited for Alex to follow but the tall raven-haired just stood still. "Are you coming in or what?"

When Alex walked in, Nicky couldn't help but take in how she looked. She hasn't seen her in more than six months and truthfully, she didn't expect to see her again. But Alex always had her way of surprising the hell out of her and Nicky was totally caught off guard. And it wasn't even the fact that Alex came back that surprised her the most. It was Alex looking _better_ than she's seen her the last time. Of course, she wouldn't have looked in any way _great_ before, given what was happening, but she also never really expected Alex to be _better_ after leaving Piper.

Which brought Nicky back to reality. Alex came back for a reason. And she had a pretty good idea what that reason was. "I didn't think you'd come back." She paused, looking at Alex's reaction. "Well, I didn't think you'd leave either, so what the hell do I know, right?"

"Nicky, _I had to leave_."

Nicky knew she promised Lorna to hear Alex out but hearing her say that just brought back all the anger she'd been wanting to throw at her ever since she left. " _You had to leave?_ Do you have any idea what you've put Piper through? She fucking needed you to be there. Jesus fucking Christ, she had just OD'ed! But you had to screw her over and left... without even saying a single fucking word. What are you expecting right now, Alex? Do you think you could just waltz back in in Piper's life and everything would be rainbows and butterflies again?"

"I'm not expecting anything, Nicky. I know I did a terrible thing. But believe me, I did it for her. And maybe I did it in the wrong way and that's why I'm here. Because I know that I have to apologize... to her... and to you. And maybe that will never be enough, but it's the only thing I can do for now." Alex waited for Nicky to say something but she just kept quiet, tapping her foot restlessly. "I'm sorry, Nick. I'm sorry that I had to leave Piper that way, and I'm sorry that you were left with the responsibility to fix the mess I made. I'm sorry for all of it."

When Nicky saw the expression on Alex's face, that's when her anger totally faded and came what she really felt when Alex left. Sure, she was mad, disappointed even. But she's known Alex all her life and she knew that her best friend would never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone, especially not someone she _loved_ so much.

That's why when she left, she tried to mask her true feelings with anger even though what she really felt at that point was how _scared_ she was. Alex left Piper, but Alex left Piper knowing she had some people who were gonna be there for her. And Alex left even though she knew that _she_ was gonna have _no one_.

"Do you think that I'm only mad because you left Piper? Alex, you were going through some shit, too. Do you even realize how fucking terrible it felt to know that your best friend was going through hell and you couldn't even do a single thing about it? Did you even care about how we were gonna feel about you going through all of that _alone?_ "

Alex suddenly felt like someone was choking her at her sudden impulse to cry. All those times, she's thought about _Piper_. About how she would feel, about how she was gonna go through all of it. But she's never really thought much about how _Nicky_ would feel. And now she knew. And she felt _horrible_.

"I'm sorry... I didn't..."

"Of course, you didn't... you selfish bitch." But Nicky was no longer mad. Somehow, she sounded... _relieved_. Alex was _fine_. And she was here. "I know we don't do hugs... but I'm so fucking happy to see you right now I can't even—" But before Nicky could finish her sentence, Alex had walked towards her and pulled her into a tight hug. Nicky laughed out loud as she, too, wrapped her arms around Alex. "I'm glad to see you back, asshole."

-o-o-o-

Alex wanted to immediately see Piper as soon as she left Nicky's place. She missed her too much that she just couldn't wait to see her again, but she knew that if she went to her right then, she might fuck it up even more. So she decided to just go home first, process everything that's happened so far and prepare herself for what was still about to happen. She was excited to see the blonde again, but she also dreaded it.

Nicky's caught her up with everything that has happened ever since she went away and to say it broke her heart would be an understatement. But there were also certain things that Nicky told her she needed to hear from Piper herself so Alex didn't really get to know the whole story. And she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear everything.

It wasn't easy leaving Piper, but having to stay away from her for as long as she had, was even harder. Every day of her life, all Alex ever wanted was to go back to her and show her how much she loved her. But she knew that if she did that, all the pain that her leaving had caused would be worthless. So she stayed put. And waited until the right time to go back would come.

And that time was now. She had been standing outside Red's Diner for twenty minutes and she still couldn't gather the courage to just go in and be done with it. Multiple times, she contemplated on just going back home and postpone this for another day. But there was always a voice inside her head that kept telling her to just man up and do what she was supposed to do. She'd like to think that voice was her Mom's.

So another five minutes passed before she finally let out one long breath as she opened the door to make her way inside. And as she stepped foot inside the place that held so much meaning in her relationship with Piper, because this was where she first met her, this was where it all started, she saw Piper's back on her, seemingly giving out instructions to a young waitress she's never seen before. Alex's chest tighten at the sight and all she wanted to do right then was run towards Piper and envelope her in a bone-crushing hug. But instead, she just cleared her throat until she was met, for the first time in months, by those beautiful cerulean blue eyes.

"Maybe this is a bad time to say hi?"

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

Again, sorry for the brief responses. My head is really killing me but I just really had to post this chapter now because I don't wanna keep you guys waiting long enough. Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the love for this fic.

 **Yoo byee,** Yoo I don't know if you're still here but thanks anyway! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Hope you like how this chapter turned out. Thank you for another wonderful review! =)

 **Joey2920,** Hey, you can stop crying now here's the new update =( Hugs and kisses, sorry for the pain. Haha. =)

 **Guest (emotions are all over the place),** Wow, thank you for that review. I love it so much! =)

 **sara lance,** Yes, the talk will happen soon. Haha! And yes, my cliff hangers and I, you can start shipping us now. =)) I may make them endgame, or not. With me, you never know. JK =)) But thank you again for another awesome review! =)

 **Guest (speechless),** Wow thank you! I've never loved _silence_ more. Haha. Have a great day as well! =)

 **jo michael,** Hi, my friend! I hope you do know my style from now on. I like bringing out surprises! Haha. Anyways, thanks for the PM and I'm glad that we can now talk more often. That was an amazing review and I promise I will thank you properly for it when I send you another PM. Haha. =)

 **RANVEER,** Hi! If I'm not mistaken this is your first time reviewing so I'd like to thank you for those amazing reviews. Hope you like this chapter. =)

 **Budda1127,** I'm glad you liked the flashback. And that was another amazing review! I wish I could give out a longer reply but hey if you want we can always exchange PMs. Again thanks and sorry for not updating soon enough.

 **rach5878,** I'm sorry if this fic is tiring you out. Don't give up on it just yet, the light at the end of the tunnel will soon appear. Thank you! =))

 **RJVause,** Thank you for that amazing review and the compliment on the title. Haha. Anyway, great story! I've read it and I'm sorry if I didn't leave any reviews but it was amazing! =)

 **elliellie1,** Well Alex did come back, not soon enough, but she did. That's gotta count right? Haha. =)

 **klaudiasurg,** I don't even know why I love angst so much, haha. And by the way you don't need to apologize for your English. You're awesome and thank you for the review! =)

 **luveverythingtv,** HEY THE UPDATE IS HERE! =)

 **samb06,** Alex's side will be further explained next chapter and I hope you'd come to understand her by then. Haha! And yes, Piper stayed this time. =)

 **Guest (heart is shattered),** Sorry, I will do everything I can to bring back the pieces of your heart together again. =(

 **Z-Tea,** OMG YOUR REVIEW MADE MY DAY JUST SO YOU KNOW. Thank you so much, that meant a lot! =)

 **amciotola1,** Thank you for that wonderful review. Although I must admit, I don't think I understood what you meant by HEA? Sorry if that was dumb. Haha.

 **vausemania,** I hope you still managed to sleep after the previous chapter! Haha. Anyway, of course I wouldn't let Piper die. I'm not _that_ terrible. Hahaha. Here's the update, hope it didn't disappoint.

 **WB79,** Aw, you just reminded me of Vauseman breakup in Paris and now I'm sad. =(

 **huggerguest,** Glad I can still surprise you. Haha. Sorry for making you cry, but thank you for still staying. =)

 **izzielg,** I hope you'd come to understand Alex eventually, I'll explain her side more during the next chapter. Anyway, thank you for liking my story. I like you, too. Haha! =)

 **moanzs,** I'm sorry! And to your friend, too. Haha! Yes, what is Vauseman without drama. =)) And I know right, Emmy's!

 **Guest (Oh Christ),** And the angst is just about to go away slowly from now on. That's what I'd like to think. Just pray that the devil won't possess me again anytime soon. Haha! Nope, nothing stupid. Thank you! =)

 **FFChik,** Not much anymore, I think. Haha. Thank you for another great review! =)

 **schillingarmy,** Yes, the title should have served as a warning to y'all. Haha! Yes, the Emmy's was amazing! They looked beautiful and Tay's dance was the best! And I see what you did there with the "Single Ladies" bit but we can only hope. Haha. Thank you for the review! =)

 **Guest (Why),** Because =)

 **Vausemaniac,** You never fail to make me speechless with your reviews. I feel like I'm not worthy of such attention but still, thank you very much! You don't know how much this kind of review pushes me even harder to do _better_ doing this. So thank you again! And I will never stop thanking you so I hope you don't get tired easily. Haha. Love lots! =)

 **Sheri,** I'm so sorry for all the misery this fic has caused you, haha! But thank you for still loving it despite that. It really means a lot. You're very welcome and thank you for the review. Love ya back! =)

 **Guest (sad that Alex has left),** I'm so glad you understand where Alex was coming from. Thank you for such a wonderful review! -)


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

It has come to my attention that this story had been posted on Archive Of Our Own, without my permission. I'm really kind of sad that anyone would do that. I know that this fic may not be the best out there but I've been working hard on it for so long and for someone else to claim it as if his/her own is just kind of terrible. =(

But I couldn't find it there any longer so maybe it's already been taken down. Thank you to users vausegazm and sara lance for the help. You guys rock! I heart you to bits =)

Anyway, on with the show. The whole chapter is just on Piper's POV, by the way. Hope that's okay. =)

 **20**

" _If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?_

 _If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?"_

-o-o-o-

Piper was _not_ prepared; she was really, _really_ not. For months, she'd learned to push thoughts of Alex, or anything that could remind Piper of her, deep, _deep_ down that she'd forgotten there might still be a chance, no matter how remote that was, that she'd one day show up again.

But that didn't mean that she hasn't ever thought of Alex, though. There were certain times when her thoughts would betray her and memories of Alex would slip her mind. In her defense, there were a lot of things that could remind her of Alex that it was hard to totally rid herself of memories of her. But she still tried, and more often than not, it worked.

Looking at Alex right now, Piper couldn't help but notice all the changes in her. Her hair was still as black as she remembered but the blue tips were no longer there and somehow, it made Alex look a bit _older_ , albeit still as beautiful as Piper always thought her to be. Her glasses were also different. It was _almost_ the same as the old one but Piper had paid too much attention to Alex before that she knew it wasn't the same. Her eyes then travelled further down and didn't fail to notice the new tattoo on her left wrist that Piper couldn't make up. For a brief moment, Piper wondered what it meant. But then again, it didn't really matter anymore.

All in all, Alex looked _different_. Comparing to the first time Piper ever laid eyes on her, this was no longer the Alex she knew who exuded so much confidence, the Alex she knew who carried herself so well that anyone would be intimidated by her. No, the Alex that was in front of Piper right now looked a lot less sure of what to do, she looked hesitant, and she certainly wasn't the cocky, confident woman Piper had met for the first time.

 _"Maybe it's a bad time to say hi?"_

But then she spoke... and that voice, that was the same voice that could make Piper's knees weaken in an instant. So yes, Alex might have _changed_ , but she was still the same person who made Piper's heart race in ways no one has ever done for her before. She was still the same person who was able to make Piper's world stop. Despite all the differences time had caused Alex, she was _still Piper's Alex._

And Piper _hated_ it.

Alex wasn't supposed to still feel like that same person. She wasn't supposed to feel like Piper's to _claim_ anymore. Piper wasn't supposed to _feel_ anything towards her at all anymore.

She's spent months trying to dig her way out of the hole she made that was Alex. It wasn't _easy_ , it was pure hell and Piper almost gave up on _everything_ trying to do just that. So this wasn't supposed to be happening. Alex wasn't supposed to just _come back_ and take everything from Piper again. She was already doing _fine_. And Piper just couldn't let her change that just by _standing_ in front of her.

So Piper turned her back on Alex, not bothering to say anything, because that was something someone who left without saying anything deserved back, _nothing_. She started walking away, praying that her legs wouldn't give up on her, when she felt Alex's hand wrap around her arm. Piper immediately jerked her arm away, unprepared for the _electricity_ that ran through her whole being at Alex's touch. No, this wasn't _really_ supposed to be happening _again_.

"Pipes."

And then she'd call her that and Piper could feel her control slip away just a little bit more. It's been way too long since she'd let anyone call her that because it just brought back too much memories, but she's never really thought about what it would do to her when it was _Alex_ saying that again. And it terrified Piper, because she still _loved_ the way the name rolled off Alex's tongue. And it had to _stop_.

"No, you don't get to call me _that_ anymore," she shifted her body slightly so she could look at Alex. And it wasn't until then that Piper realized just how _mad_ she was. She could feel the anger seep through every fibre of her being just by looking at her and she wasn't sure if this was because of what Alex did or because of how she _still_ made her feel. Either way, she was mad, and she allowed herself to feel that because it was the only thing that made her feel _safe_ around Alex.

"Please, just let me explain."

"Seven months too fucking late, Alex." Piper finally made it to the storage room but Alex had followed her. And now they were at an enclosed space, with no one else but the two of them. Piper was only realizing just how much of a wrong move this was. She felt a lot safer when there were people around. This, being in a room with very little space, alone with Alex, this was _dangerous_.

"Piper I had no other choice."

"No choice?! You had the choice to _stay_."

"Pipes... please, I'm sorry."

"No, Alex. You don't get to leave and just come back expecting everything is going to be fixed because you apologize. You don't get to take anything back. Not what happened, not what you did. And certainly not me." Piper could see how Alex was trying hard not to cry in front of her and she wanted to look away, but somehow, a part of her wanted to see Alex _hurting_ , too, so she held her gaze. Until she couldn't anymore. "Get out, Alex."

"I just..."

"Leave. Please. That's what you do best anyway."

-o-o-o-

Cal and Danny had been trying to have Piper join their conversation but she had been acting like a total robot ever since she arrived the night before. Right when she got home, she immediately locked herself inside her room and didn't come out until hours later. Cal and Danny waited patiently, and did everything they usually did to cheer Piper up but none of those seemed to be working anymore.

"You gotta at least eat," said Danny, seeing that Piper hasn't had anything to eat since she came home. It was already the next day and Piper's mood didn't seem to have changed at all.

"I'm fine, I'm not starving," Piper answered nonchalantly, as she kept herself busy gathering her things and fixing her purse.

"Are you planning on telling us what put you in such a mood? You got out of the house yesterday feeling so cheerful and then you got home as a totally different person." It was Cal. He was never been good at taking conversations too seriously, no matter how much they needed to be taken that way. But they had Danny for that, for the serious stuff. He was here to make things light.

"I told you, I'm fine. Work has just been a little exhausting."

"You would think that years of not having seen each other would finally keep us from seeing through your lies, but guess some things never change, huh?" Danny looked at Piper intently, somehow having a slight idea on why she was acting this way. But he wanted to wait for her to open up, to actually want to tell them how she was feeling, and not just tell them because they forced her to.

For a second, Piper looked as if she would brush them off again. She opened her mouth to speak but then decided against it the same second. She then shook her head as she exhaled. "Just... someone I know from the past came back yesterday... and I was... I was caught unprepared. That's it." She then noticed how Danny and Cal looked at each other and seemed like they were talking in some communication she was a part of. "What?"

"Oh," Cal said briefly causing Piper to stop whatever she was doing. "We have to tell her," he suddenly said much to Piper's surprise.

"What?" She looked from Cal to Danny and recognized something in their faces. They were hiding something. "Tell me what?"

"It's Alex."

"Alex?" To say Piper was surprised would be putting it lightly. There was _no way_ she could have mentioned Alex to any of her brothers and she was sure Nicky wouldn't do it, too. "H-how do you know Alex?"

Danny and Cal looked at each other again before Cal decided to answer Piper's question. "You asked me before how we found you. It's Alex, Pipes. She found us and brought us here."

"Wh-what? I don't understand. I mean... h-" Piper tried to formulate words but all her brain seemed to be focusing on right now was the fact that _Alex_ brought her brothers back to her. It was the last thing she would have ever thought of and she didn't know how to react.

But then Cal continued and she was snapped back to the conversation. "One day she just showed up at my house and told me everything, but not before introducing herself to me, of course. Imagine my surprise when I realized that she just told me my sister was now batting for the other team. I wouldn't have believed her, but then again, she's super hot so I totally understood why you would hit—"

"Cal..." interjected Danny.

"Right. Well, you get what I mean."

"Danny?" Piper then looked at Danny, silently asking him to tell her that Cal was just messing with her. This was too much information to take in and she wasn't sure just what to make up of it. So she needed Danny to tell her that it wasn't true. She needed for it _not_ to be true.

"It's true, Piper. She found Cal first and then they both looked for me together. And then we came here."

For a while, Piper did not speak. She tried to process what she's just learned, tried to understand why Alex did that. But she didn't need to think much further because of course, she knew. Back at the diner, when she realized that Alex still had the ability to make her feel the same way she felt for her before, it wasn't just because she felt it herself.

It was also because of the way Alex looked at her. It was still the same way she did before. Piper didn't want to acknowledge it, because if Alex still felt _that_ , she wouldn't have left. But right now, there was no other logical reason why she would do this for Piper.

But then again, it didn't mean that Piper was just gonna _forgive_ her because of it. "Well it doesn't change anything. She still left me."

"You left me," Cal immediately said.

"And I left you," added Danny.

Piper laughed humourlessly as she shook her head. "Just shows how fucked up everyone is in this fucking world."

"No, it just shows that everyone has their own reasons for leaving. I had a reason, and you had, too. Were they for the sake of just wanting to hurt those people being left? No. And I think it's the same for Alex. Did she tell you why she left?"

Piper paused. "No..."

"Did you give her a chance to tell you why she left?" Piper didn't speak. But knowing her, and her temper, Danny knew the answer. "Piper, I think that you should at least hear her out."

"Yeah, sis. I mean, I may not know her that well but the few times we've been together? I could see that she really cares for you, and probably even more than that. Hell, she looked for _us_ , people who are intentionally _hiding_. It wouldn't have been easy. But she did, anyway. Because she knew you enough to know that us seeing each other again is something that you want. That's gotta count for something, right?"

"And she came back, didn't she?" Danny said again. She didn't know Alex that much but he agreed with Cal. She seemed like she really did care for his sister. "I'm not saying that you have to forgive her. You don't have to if you feel like she doesn't deserve it. But at least just listen to what she has to say."

Piper was about to say something when they heard the booming voice of Nicky as she strutted towards them. "Yo, Chapman!" She then stopped as all three _Chapmans_ looked at her. "I mean, Piper. It's almost 9, chop chop. We gotta get there on time." Nicky could feel the tension radiating inside the room so she looked at Piper and squinted her eyes at her. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine, Nicky. Come on, let's go."

But before Piper and Nicky could get out of the room, Cal yelled. "Just think about it, sis."

-o-o-o-

Nicky had been waiting for Piper to say anything ever since they stepped out of her place but ten minutes later, she still hasn't spoken. "You do know I can see through your bullshit, right?"

"I've been waiting for you to say that ever since we got out of the house."

"So? Are you gonna tell me now what's wrong?" It took only a sigh from Piper for Nicky to realize what was going on. She didn't know when she started knowing Piper this much, but she kind of liked it. "Holy shit, you already saw her, didn't you?"

"You knew?! You knew that she was back and you didn't tell me?"

"Hey, don't look at me like that. It wasn't my place to tell you anything," Nicky raised both her hands at Piper's sudden outburst. She should really do something about that temper.

"A little warning wouldn't have hurt, Nicky."

Nicky looked at Piper and could see how _bothered_ she looked, if that even was the right word for it. "Did you two talk?"

"More like yelled... on my part. I mean, fuck, Nicky. Seeing her there... again, it just... caught me by surprise." Piper shook her head at how she reacted by seeing Alex again. "Back then, I never thought that she would ever leave, you know? So I learned my lesson and never expected her to come back again. But she did, of course she did, and seeing her again... it was _hard_. I spent months trying to forget her. She couldn't just come back and throw all of those months away."

Nicky knew. She was there during all those months and she saw what Piper went through. All the more reason she couldn't help but think about how Alex got through all of it, too. But she couldn't say that out loud, so instead, she just nodded. "I get what you mean."

"But then my brothers drop me this bomb and now I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore," Piper added shaking her head.

"What bomb? What do you mean?"

"She's the reason my brothers are here," Piper said softly, saying it out loud making it more real than the first time she heard it. "She found them..." her voice was way softer now, like she was just telling this to _herself,_ "...for me."

"Shit, how did she even do that?"

"I don't know. I really don't."

As Piper breathed deeply to rid herself of thoughts of Alex, she and Nicky had finally stepped in the room they've both been visiting for a couple of months now. Piper thought NA wasn't a good idea at first thinking she did not need to share whatever was going on with her life to strangers. But Nicky was able to convince her by saying she's gonna be with her every week attending the meetings and that if she really didn't like it, they could stop whenever she wanted to.

And now months later, this had been a part of her life and she actually started _liking_ it. Listening to other people's stories, knowing she wasn't _alone_ in this was a big help. She and Nicky had made some friends and true to the organization's words, they had somehow helped each other stay _clean_.

"Fuck."

"What?" asked Piper as she looked towards Nicky. Her gaze was fixated at one direction and Piper's eyes followed wherever she was looking at and was surprised to see the last person she ever thought she'd see here. "Nicky, what the fuck is she doing here? Did you tell her we come here every week? Fuck, Nicky!"

"What, no! Do you not see my face?! I'm as surprised as you are. I didn't know she was gonna come, okay?"

"Do you think she's here because she found out that I come here every week?"

"Okay, Queen Narcissa, easy with the assumptions. Alex was an addict, too. Don't you think that may be the reason she's here?"

"Queen Narcissa?" Piper grimaced. "Really, Nicky? You couldn't have thought of something better than that?"

"Whatever. Look, I'm sure this is not about you, okay? As much as your narcissism is really appealing to me right now, I really think Alex is here because she thinks this is what she needs. But hey, if this makes you uncomfortable, we can just leave."

If she was being sensible, Piper knew leaving was the right thing to do. But she didn't know why she wanted to stay. She hadn't seen Alex in months and she knew, and always thought of it, that those months weren't easy for her, too. Maybe not because they were already apart (because that was Alex's decision anyway), but because of the drug addiction. She always wondered if she went back to using, and _hoped_ that she didn't. But seeing her here, even if Piper wouldn't admit it to herself, she was relieved. Because it seemed like Alex got through it, too... just like she had.

"No, it's okay. I can't just leave because she's here. It's not like we have to talk anyway. Come on." They then made it to the chairs formed as a circle in the middle of the room. Piper saw Nicky gave Alex a slight nod and even though she couldn't see it, she could feel Alex's gaze on hers and she fought hard not to look back at her.

The meeting started like how it usually did until their leader had started asking who wanted to share. A guy, who Piper knew as Bryan raised his hand and started talking about how he got into drugs. Piper wanted to listen, really. But being aware of the fact that she was in the same room as Alex was distracting her. All she could think about was _Alex_ , and why she was here and how she was doing.

Still, Piper refused to look her way. But then suddenly, she felt like everything just stopped when she heard the familiar raspy voice of the woman she hasn't heard speak in a really long time. Well, except for yesterday, which didn't really count since Piper was out of her _zone_ then. Not that she was any better today, though.

"Hi, I'm Alex. I'm, uh, new here. But this whole thing is not new to me. I've been going to NA meetings for a while now back where I used to live but I've decided to come back home so here I am."

Piper's eyes were now on Alex and she was glad that the raven-haired wasn't looking her way. In fact, Alex seemed to be looking everywhere but at Piper.

"I started using a little more than a year ago. There were just certain things going on with my life that I couldn't deal with on my own, and I made the mistake of thinking that heroin would help me with it. It actually did, at first. I started forgetting and I thought that was it, that was the solution... for me to _forget._ But then reality smacked me right on the face and before I even knew it, I was losing everything, _everyone_ , who mattered to me."

Alex was now looking directly at Piper, and Piper should have looked away but she couldn't. So she looked back at her, too, hoping that nothing in her face would give away how much she wanted, _needed_ , to cry and scream right now. Thankfully, Alex broke the stare and decided to just look at her fingers tangled together instead.

"The only person who should have been enough for me was gone, in just an instant. So, I came to my senses and realized that I couldn't let this take over my life... that I had to do something for it not totally ruin me for good. So I checked myself into rehab and then started coming to NA meetings and now I'm here. I'm not saying I'm all okay now, I still have a long way to go. But I think it's a start and I wish I could go all the way through."

-o-o-o-

Right after Alex spoke, Piper's attention couldn't be brought back to anything anymore. All she could think about was that Alex went through all of that _alone_. She still couldn't understand why she chose to leave rather than deal with it together with Piper. She still couldn't understand anything but the mere thought of Alex suffering on her own was just too much for Piper to bear.

"Are you okay?" asked Nicky whom she only just realized she was actually with.

"Y-yeah. I'm fine." She shrugged and kept walking, still unable to clear her mind from thoughts of _Alex_. She suddenly stopped and faced Nicky. "Nicky, you should go home with Alex."

"What? Why?"

Piper was worried of Alex, that was why. She knew there wasn't any reason for her to feel that way, Alex was probably even better than she was right now, but still she worried. But she couldn't admit it to Nicky, that even after all Alex has put her through, she still cared. "She's your best friend."

"Yes, true. But you're now my best friend, too. And I came here with you, so I'm going home with you as well. I'm sure Alex would understand."

They were suddenly stopped by the familiar voice of Alex behind them, causing them both to turn around. "Hey," Alex said softly, more to Nicky than Piper.

"Hey," said Nicky awkwardly as she shifted her gaze from Alex to Piper. For a few seconds, all were quiet. "Okay, this is not awkward at all." Nicky chuckled, trying to diffuse the tension that had now built up inside the room.

"Uh, Piper... can we talk?" Alex was now looking at Piper who still refused to look back at her.

"Alex..."

"Please? Five minutes," her voice was pleading, and that voice was something Piper knew she could never refuse.

When Piper didn't say anything, Nicky nodded to herself and patted Piper in the back. "I'll walk around for a while, just call me when it's time to go home. I'll see you at home, Vause."

Piper nodded and smiled bleakly at Nicky. Alex, on the other hand, just absentmindedly fixed her glasses, a gesture Piper noticed that seemed to have become a habit. She and Alex then went to a more private part of the room, somewhere unoccupied by anyone but them.

"I didn't know you were attending NA meetings, too," Alex started hesitantly.

"Well, now you do," answered Piper back, still not looking at Alex.

"Pipe—"

"Why did you leave?" Piper suddenly asked, and she noticed how Alex flinched at the sharpness of her tone. "You told me we were gonna go through all of it together. But then you left. I just... I've thought of it a thousand times, trying to make myself understand why you would do that. But I... I couldn't. I just come up empty every damn time."

"Piper, if I stayed I could've ruined both of us... for good."

"Bullshit! Alex we were ready to clean up our shit. I almost _died_ for crying out loud."

"Yes! But do you really think we would have stood by that decision for long? Do you remember how much we were _willing_ to ruin ourselves for each other? I couldn't let you do that. I couldn't let you completely ruin yourself for me."

"I wasn't ruining myself for you, Alex. I pieced my life back together for you, remember? Before you, I was ready to live my life the best way I thought... alone and cut off from the rest of the world. But then you came along, and I thought maybe there's still someone who could make a difference in my life, someone who can prove me wrong about people always _leaving_. So I let you in."

Piper chuckled humourlessly, feeling so damn stupid for thinking that anyone could be different from all of those people she thought actually at least cared about her. But really, what the hell did she know?

"And _you know_ that. But you also _left_ , Alex. You left when things got tough. You left when you made a promise to me that you'd never do that. You left when you specifically made me promise to never leave you, too." Without being prepared for it, Piper was back to that day again, when she found out that Alex had left. She thought that she had gotten over it. She was doing so well for the last couple of months that she actually _believed_ she was already _fine_. But it still hurt like that first day and she wasn't sure if it really would ever stop hurting.

"People in my life have come and gone, Alex. But you know what? You leaving was the absolute worst. Because you made me believe that you were different from all of them."

Alex's eyes were misty by then, and not even her glasses could hide all the emotions that she was feeling at that moment. "I know that we told each other that we were gonna get through whatever it was that we were both going through back then. But we were _bad_ for each other, Piper. I helped you do heroin! And you let me do it, _over and over and over_ again."

Piper could hear the pain in Alex's voice, see it in her eyes, and it was all she could take before the tears had started falling from her eyes. She could probably tell herself that it was what Alex deserved, to feel the same pain she felt and was still feeling up until now. But she would be fooling herself because Alex may probably hurt her in so many ways, but seeing her in pain would still be what'd hurt Piper the most.

"We were still addicts back then, Piper. You didn't wanna go to rehab, you wanted us to deal with it on our own. And I _fucking_ knew that I couldn't do that. I knew that I was _not_ strong enough to do that." Alex's voice had now gone uncharacteristically soft, her vulnerability apparent. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry because I was so fucking scared."

She then shook her head. "Maybe I could have done it another way, protect you from _me_ , but it was the only way I could think of at the time. I'd understand if you don't forgive me. But I just really, _really_ want you to know that I didn't leave just so I could hurt you. Because that's the last thing I would ever want to do to you. I'm sorry."

Alex had now turned her back on Piper and started walking away. A part of Piper wanted her to go, but another part, the part she wanted to listen to, didn't want Alex to _leave_ just yet. It was all so fucked up, but she knew, that Alex was still her weakness. After all this _fucking_ time. She was still her Achilles' heel.

"Alex..." Alex stopped and hesitantly looked back at her. Piper was surprised to see that tears had now escaped her eyes. She _hated_ it when Alex cried. "I know what you did..." Confusion flashed across Alex's face, "...about my brothers," and then now, recognition... and surprise. Piper knew Alex didn't want her to know about what she did. "And I'm very grateful. So th-thank you. But... it still doesn't change anything."

Alex nodded. And then she was gone.

-o-o-o-

Piper did not see Alex for the next three days. She should have been relieved, because it's what she wanted, right? For Alex not to be back in her life again. Because that would have been easier... that would have been what was right.

But instead, she found herself looking everywhere wishing she would see Alex. She would go to work and pass by her house and she would linger just a little bit longer, hoping that she would at least see a glimpse of her. But there was none. She waited for Nicky to say anything, because she knew that they were keeping in touch, and even considered asking her herself, but she remained silent, keeping to herself just how badly she wanted to see Alex again.

The last thing she told Alex was that her bringing her and her brothers back together didn't change anything. But that was a lie. It changed a whole lot of things because that just proved that Alex really did still care. Piper knew Alex didn't do that just so she could get her back. If she did, she would have walked Cal and Danny to her herself.

But she didn't. Instead she asked them to keep it from Piper, wanting them to focus on the fact that they were back together again rather than on who was the reason for it. And thinking back to Alex's explanation on why she left, Piper could have refused to believe it, and just kept convincing herself that Alex was wrong, but she didn't. Because she now realized that Alex was actually _right_.

They were both self-destructing, going through some stuff they refused to acknowledge because all they could think about was that they had each other and that was all they ever really needed. But the thing was, all of those things they were going through, they needed to deal with them on their own.

Piper had to come to the realization that she shouldn't keep doing things for other people to the point that she was disregarding what was good for her, too. It wasn't about being _selfish_. It was about not being _selfless_. And she needed to learn that.

Alex, on the other hand, had to accept that she didn't have control over _everything_... that she wasn't the reason for every terrible thing that happened to anyone around her, that she didn't need to be accountable for all of it. They needed to figure out those things on their own.

And because of the pain of Alex leaving, Piper hadn't ever thought of those things before. But now she had, and it all kind of made sense. _Alex leaving actually made sense._ And maybe it was about time she acknowledged that.

-o-o-o-

"Hi," Alex said timidly as she approached Piper who had just closed up Red's.

"Alex?" asked Piper, surprised by Alex's sudden appearance. She wasn't expecting to see her today after a few days of her not showing up anywhere, but seeing her right now brought her a sense of _relief_ , like somehow she'd been waiting for this to happen. And she was. Then she noticed the way Alex was almost swaying as she stood, trying to keep her eyes open. "Are you drunk?"

"No," of course, classic Alex, still unable to admit it when she's drunk. Suddenly, Piper was brought back to that first ever night she's talked to Alex and a rush of emotions washed through her. "Why are you still the one closing up? Aren't you supposed to be the boss now or something?"

"Why are you still drinking? Aren't you supposed to be staying sober now or something?" Piper immediately quipped back.

Alex then shook her head. "I'm not an alcoholic, Piper. Never was."

"Really? Could have fooled me the first few weeks after I first met you."

Alex then squinted her eyes at Piper, which Piper still found adorable by the way, a look of confusion, and surprise, on her face. "Are you actually concerned about me right now?"

"No," Piper answered as quickly as she could, hating herself for being caught by Alex. _She still knows me so well_ , she then thought.

"Good. 'Coz I don't deserve that."

Piper felt her heart ache at Alex's tone, like she was completely convinced that Piper shouldn't be worrying about her anymore. "That's not..." Piper sighed. "That's not true, Alex."

But Alex just smiled and her smile was so _sad_ that Piper felt as if her heart got pierced. "Can I walk you home?" And it made Piper laugh, because this was all starting to become all too familiar. "What's so funny?"

"I just realized that we've come full circle. We're back to square one." There was a hint of smile in Piper's face and she didn't know what was causing it but she just let it be. It felt nice to smile around Alex again. Although she knew that everything was still _not okay_ , there was something in the air right now that made her hope that maybe they still could be.

"Does that mean we can start over again?"

Alex's face was hopeful and it made Piper's chest ache. She wondered if Alex was drunk enough to not remember all of this when she woke up the next day. Instead of answering, Piper started walking. "It's late, Al." She noticed the slip of the _name_ but ignore it, ignored the rush of feelings it caused her. "Come on, I'll walk you home instead."

So they started walking, a little further apart than they were used to but close enough for Piper to feel Alex's warmth, something she hasn't felt in as long as she could remember. And it felt _good_. There was no point in denying it now, being close to Alex still felt good.

Right about a few steps later, Alex spoke, "I see what you meant by coming full circle. This feels awfully familiar."

And for the first time ever since Alex came back, Piper allowed herself to laugh. She turned towards Alex for a brief second and she could see a ghost of smile etched on her lips, too. She didn't realize how much she missed seeing that until she did and she was suddenly overcome with the urge to wrap her arms around Alex. But then again, things were different now and she knew she couldn't just do that. She shook her head at the thought.

Then they stopped walking. Before Piper could ask why, she looked around and saw that they already reached Alex's house. For a while, it was obvious that they both didn't know what to do.

Then Alex spoke again. "I didn't... I didn't bring your brothers to you so that you would take me back. I brought them here because I know that it's what's going to make you _happy_. And that's all I've ever really wanted. That's all that should have ever mattered. You... happy."

Piper was now looking straight into Alex's eyes and she could see them filled with regrets. It brought her a surprising need to cry, at how everything turned out for both of them. They loved each other too much. Was that where things went wrong, loving each other more than they loved themselves?

Suddenly, Alex was so close to her, their faces merely inches from one another. "I'm sorry I failed at that. I'm really sorry for everything, Piper." Alex then raised her arm to cup Piper's face. She lightly caressed her jaw with her thumb and Piper felt her breathing start to slow down at Alex's touch. She leaned in to her hand and she almost sighed, at how good it felt. "Good night." She kissed her on the cheek and before Piper could figure out how she should have reacted, Alex was back inside her house, leaving Piper to think that maybe it wasn't really too late to fix this after all.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **WB79,** It's okay, it always bring me smile in the end anyway. =) And sorry for making you sad, too. Haha! Yes, Nicky should be given the best friend of the year award, I like her very much. =)) Thank you for the review! =)

 **klaudiasurg,** I don't know how you'd react to this chapter then after your last review. Haha. But hopefully you'd be understanding of Alex now that she had explained, or not. It's okay either way =)) Thank you! =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** There's a reason why Alex was gone that long and now you know and hopefully you find it satisfying enough. Haha! Yes, I'm happy that the angst is now over, too. That thing is exhausting to write! Anyway, thank you for the lovely review! =)

 **vausegasm,** Hi, girl! So that was probably the nicest review you've ever left on m updates. But that doesn't mean I don't love the other ones just as much! Haha. Thank you! Not only for the review but for removing me from that scary list you seemed to have made. ILY2 and hey I gave you warning about the update this time, hopefully you like this just as much as the previous one. And yeah, no more playing with your feelings =))

 **Budda1127,** Hopefully your dilemma would be fixed by this chapter, let me know what you think of how Alex and Piper are dealing with things now. =) And no, no other women. That sucked too much in season 3 and I really don't wanna do that again here, so you're safe on that part. LOVE LOVE LOVE your review, too, so thank you! =)

 **DR75,** Wow that really means a lot to me, so thank you very much! You're welcome but I really think the gratitude should be coming from me not just for the review but for reading and appreciating this story, so again thank you. =)

 **samb06,** Here's her explanation! Is it good enough? Haha. And yeah, I had to use that line, it just seemed perfect for it. Thank you I'm glad you loved the previous chapter and thank you for the kind words. =)

 **sara lance,** No, not that much. Haha! But hey, no cliff hanger for you this time. =) Hm, they're having progress. Slowly but surely, right? =)) The fluffier parts have to wait for just a little bit more I'm afraid. Thank you! =)

 **amciotola1,** Ohhhh, thank you for the HEA thing. Now I know! Haha. Hopefully this chapter was a lot less painful than the previous one. Thank you for the review on the previous chapter. =)

 **vausemania,** Thank you that was one hell of an awesome review! I actually read your review a couple times and all those times I still smiled like an idiot. Haha. So again, thank you! Here's the new chapter hope it didn't disappoint. And now you know why she was gone for that long. =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** I'm glad you did, despite the cliff hanger =) And thank you for the kind words about Alex's interactions with Diane and Nicky. Thank you for the review! =)

 **elliellie1,** Vauseman will happen soon, eventually. Haha. Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked the previous chapter! =)

 **RJVause,** Hopefully your heart can still take much more. And your review was so cute, especially at that speechless part, haha! Thank you so much! =)

 **schillingarmy,** It's probably now pretty obvious that I love cliff hangers as much as I love Vauseman. Haha! And yeah, I couldn't help myself quoting that line of Alex, it just seemed to fit perfectly. Thank you very much for that review! It's nice to know how well you're all receiving this and that's all the medicine I need whenever I'm not feeling well! =) Have a nice day as well, my friend!

 **FFChik,** Yes, it would be hard for Piper but then again, maybe her love would be stronger? Haha. Thank you for another wonderful review! =)

 **Joey2920,** Haha! The cliff hangers actually really make me happy, they keep things interesting, don't you think? But no cliff hanger this time! Sorry if still no Vauseman fluff. Maybe next chapter? Or right after that? =))

 **huggerguest,** Thank you very much, I felt better afterwards just by reading your lovely reviews! And anyway, here's the answer to your questions on your last review, hopefully it's satisfying enough. And I hope you liked the surprise about Alex's brothers' appearance, too. =)

 **Sheri,** Hey no cliff hanger this time! Haha. Wow, that is so sweet! Hopefully no going to rehab for that anytime soon. =)) Thank you!

 **izzielg,** Yeah she's back! Hopefully her explanation is satisfying enough. Haha. And of course, I will never forget you! I love you all for me to do that. Thank you! Sorry I couldn't post sooner. =)

 **Guest (glad that angst is slowly being lifted),** Yes, writing too much angst exhausted me, too. So probably bye bye angst now. Here you go here's the new chapter, hope you like it! =)

 **jo michael,** Hi, thank you very much! I'm glad you liked how it ended despite the cliff hanger. Haha. And your reviews never fail to amaze me, too so thank you again! Lots of love and hugs too! =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Hey, you're very welcome! My replies don't compare to the great reviews you're always leaving on my updates, so thank you again! And yeah, I didn't want to drag the story by them not seeing each other because we all know that's where they'd end up soon, anyway. Your review is as amazing as always and as usual, I'm left speechless. Although I'm glad you liked how I used that line from season 1. And no moving on from each other (just yet or ever, we never know haha) Again, thank you for the review and have a wonderful day!


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

I don't really know how I feel about this chapter, so just be the judge of it, and hopefully you don't think that it sucks. Haha. But this is the longest chapter (8500 words) I've ever written and I hope you don't mind it that much. Thank you! =)

 **21**

" _Is there a chance, a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?_

 _Is there a chance you may change your mind? Or are we ashes and wine?"_

-o-o-o-

The last two weeks with Cal and Danny had been two of the best weeks Piper's had in a long time. It had been great having to go home finding them on her couch just talking about random things, a lot of times things they never really agreed about, but still, they talked anyway. The three of them used to be so much alike, liking the same things or thinking the same way, but somehow time had changed them into three different people.

Danny grew up to be the most serious of the three of them. Piper wasn't sure if it had anything to do with him being a doctor or life had just really made him that way, but she was okay with it. Cal, on the other hand, was on the other end of the spectrum. He didn't take things seriously and would laugh at every possible thing, and again Piper wasn't sure how he turned out that way despite everything they'd been through. And it made her really proud that he turned out the way he was. Piper liked to think she was at the middle, could be serious when needed be, and could laugh her ass off at the silliest things.

They were different. But they balanced each other out and it was perfect for Piper. They were no longer those three kids who would rarely argue because there was really nothing to argue about, but she liked this version of them. And even though time has passed and they really did not know each other that much anymore, she knew they were still the brothers she loved so dearly and it was all that really mattered.

But now they had to go back home and live their lives again. Piper couldn't help but feel sad about it but they made a pact to visit each other as much as they could and to always keep in touch so maybe it wasn't really _that_ bad after all.

They had just gone out of the house and Piper was ready to say goodbye when both of them faced her with _that look_. "Why are you both looking at me like that?"

Danny started to inhale deeply to at least prepare Piper for what they were about to say but of course, Cal had other plans. "Alex."

Piper immediately rolled her eyes at the sight, Danny glaring at Cal while the youngest Chapman just shrugged his shoulders. "Guys, we've talked about this," she said as she exhaled a little exasperatedly. Danny, and most especially Cal, have been nagging her about Alex for days and she was getting a little tired of it.

"You gotta give her a chance, man. I really like her!" Cal said, again beating Danny to what he was about to say.

"What, because she's hot?" asked Piper, raising an eyebrow at her younger brother. Alex _was_ hot.

"No, well yeah, but... I mean, no! It's because she really likes you, too."

Piper shook her head at Cal but couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips. She then faced Danny as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "And you? Do you think my ex-girlfriend is hot, too?" The word _ex-girlfriend_ sounded _foreign_ to Piper and somehow, she didn't like it. It just didn't sound right. But that was Alex to her now, and she should have really gotten used to it a long time ago.

Danny sighed as he shook his head, a small smile on his lips. "That's not our point, Piper, which Cal here seems to have missed. What we're trying to say is that we want you to be happy. You can do what it is that you want with that, just know that whatever you decide to do, not just about Alex, about everything, we got your back. No more turning our backs on each other this time."

Piper was now smiling fully, thankful that her relationship with both her brothers got back quickly to how it was before everything fell apart for them. "Thank you. And yeah, whatever makes me happy. Both of you, too. I'll really miss you."

"We'll miss you, too, Pipes," said Cal who has now turned serious, as serious as he could be, before pulling Piper into one big bear hug. Piper chuckled at the surprise but hugged Cal back anyway and they stayed like that for a while before Cal pulled away. "So, are you gonna talk to Alex now?"

"Oh, for Christ's sakes, Cal."

"What? I just wanna know!"

"I don't know, maybe. Give me a break here, okay? Yes, her reason for leaving may be... _reasonable..._ or whatever. But I still spent months trying to live through the pain of going through that. I can't just throw those away and act as if nothing happened."

"Piper, whether you forgive her or not, those months are not going to be thrown away, or whatever you think is gonna happen," Danny said, holding Piper lightly on her arm. "Those months you just didn't spend crying and trying to get over her, you spent them becoming _better_. And look at you now. Not a lot of people overcome addiction. Not a lot of people get back up after falling so hard, but you did. Shouldn't that be what's supposed to matter right now?"

"I know," Piper nodded solemnly. "I just need a little more time."

Danny and Cal then looked at each other, before nodding at the same time. They seemed to have accepted Piper's reason for now. "All right then. We should really get going. Take care, okay?" Danny then proceeded to hug Piper this time.

"I will. Call me as soon as you get home."

"We will," answered Cal, who was now starting to walk. "Bye, Pipes!"

They then said one final goodbye, or a _see you soon_ before Piper went back inside her apartment. When she was out of her two brothers' sight, Cal looked at the older Chapman. "So, time to go to our last stop."

A few minutes later, they were both standing at Alex's doorway, waiting for the door to open after knocking a few times. To their surprise, it was Nicky who welcomed them. "Oh Chapmans!" she greeted enthusiastically, and a little surprisingly, too. She then saw their bags as she came to realization of what today was. "Oh, you're leaving today?"

"Yeah, we just wanted to say goodbye to Alex before we left," answered Danny.

Nicky suddenly grimaced slightly. "Oh, yeah, she's inside. She's kind of sick, though. That's why I'm here, baby-sitting duties. I was just about to grab her breakfast."

"Oh, is she okay?" asked Danny worriedly. Somehow, he couldn't imagine a sick Alex. During those days that he was with her, Alex had only exuded confidence and strength and it was hard to think of her as other than that. He actually admired her for it.

"Danny's a doctor!" Cal interjected, a little more excited than he was supposed to be at the moment.

"He likes to throw that out every now and then," explained Danny.

Nicky chuckled lightly. "Well, I would, too, if I had a brother who's a doctor. Anyway, I gotta go. You can just go in. She's in her bedroom, you can find it as soon as you go inside."

"Okay, thank you, Nicky."

"No problem. And hey, you don't need to worry about Piper. We'll take care of her."

Danny nodded curtly before Nicky stepped out of the house. When she was out of their sight, Danny and Cal slowly got inside, not wanting to startle Alex in case she was asleep. "Alex?" called out Danny softly, not wanting to barge in her room without permission. "It's Danny and Cal, are you up?" They heard a soft mumbling, and taking that as a _yes_ from Alex, they slowly opened her door before peeking. And there Alex was, trying to sit upright, obviously sicker than Nicky made it seem.

"Holy shit, you don't look good, man," exclaimed Cal.

Alex chuckled, although it was obvious how that simple action strained her a bit. She looked very pale, even paler than her normal color and her eyes looked puffy. "Thanks, I guess." She finally managed to sit with her back and head against the headboard. Her body was aching all over but didn't want to show it.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, you _look good._ Just not now. I mean—Oh for crying out loud, I should know when to stop talking. I'm sorry," Cal said, exasperated. "Are you okay?"

"Don't worry about it. Uh no, not at the moment. But I'll be fine, thanks."

"Are you sure?" asked Danny, a little skeptic seeing Alex this way. "Do you want me to take a look at you or—"

"No, no." Alex said immediately. "Really, I'm gonna be fine. Although I probably don't look like it right now. I haven't drunk in so long and apparently my body reacts this way to alcohol now. I'll be fine, thank you."

Danny nodded in understanding. "That sucks, huh?"

"It does," Alex chuckled. "So, anyway. What brought you guys here? Is, uhm, is P-Piper okay?" Alex asked as worry flashed across her face.

"Oh yeah, yeah she's totally fine. We just came by to say that we're leaving." Alex only nodded and it was obvious how she was trying hard to stay upright. "Anyway, we really shouldn't be staying much longer seeing that you need to rest."

"Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't catch me on a better day," Alex apologized, rubbing her face.

"Don't worry. We'll see each other again one day," Cal shrugged. "I really hope you and Piper work things out." Alex only smiled at this and Cal, and probably even Danny, could see Alex' reluctance to say anything about it.

"Thank you, again, for doing this for us. I could never thank you enough," Danny said sincerely.

"I just wanted Piper to be happy," Alex answered, her smile faltering a bit before she closed her eyes.

"Okay, we should really go now," Danny then said, tapping Cal on his shoulder. Alex opened her eyes back up before nodding her head at the two Chapmans.

"Take care," she added softly as she watched Danny and Cal walk towards her door.

But before going out, Cal looked back at her again. "Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like you for my sister. Please don't give up on her just yet?"

Alex smiled again before shaking her head. "Never."

-o-o-o-

Nicky was about to walk out of Red's, holding her take out for Alex, when Piper approached her. "Yo, Chapman! I didn't know your brothers were leaving today."

"Yeah, well they had to. Danny had to go back saving lives while Cal, well, Cal isn't doing much but he can't live too long away from the woods so." It was then that Piper noticed what Nicky was holding. "Oh, two sets of breakfast? I thought Lorna won't be back til Wednesday?"

"Oh no, yeah. She's still at her parents' house. This other one is for Vause," Nicky replied holding up one bag.

Piper looked at Nicky with surprise etched on her face. Why wouldn't Alex just come by herself? Was she avoiding her? Piper couldn't help but feel disappointed at this but masked the disappointment with mockery. "So you're her errand girl now?"

Nicky smirked at this as she nodded her head. "Today, yes. I have to."

"Why?"

"Well, you just have to find out yourself. Look, I have to go. Have a great day, Chapman!" Nicky then said as she patted Piper on the back, grinning to herself knowing how much Piper would want to know what was going on now.

It was difficult for Nicky, and everyone who cared about them, seeing Alex and Piper go through whatever they have gone through before. At one point, she had even convinced herself that they weren't good for each other, that they were going to be better off with someone else. But seven months later and she could still see how Alex's face light up every time they talked about Piper, or how Piper was awfully failing at acting as if she was still mad at Alex when it was obvious that she still cared.

So maybe, they just needed a little push to go back to the way they were again. And maybe their second try would be much better. Nicky knew that it might not be easy. But with Alex and Piper and the kind of love they had for each other, maybe it could be easier than Nicky thought it would be.

-o-o-o-

Piper had been standing in front of Alex's front door for ten minutes now, probably even longer than that, but she still couldn't bring herself to announce her presence. She also contemplated on just leaving but she couldn't shake off her feeling that something was off. She hadn't seen Nicky bring Alex food before and she also knew how much Alex preferred making her own breakfast.

So she stayed put, pacing back and forth not knowing what to do. But then after a short while, the decision had been made for her when Nicky opened the door, her face suddenly adorned with a shit-eating grin as she saw her.

"Chapman! What on earth brought you to this place?"

Piper suddenly felt uncomfortable as she looked at Nicky, wanting to wipe the smirk off her face. "Uhhh..." _Think, Piper. Think!_ "I, uh, I just... I needed to talk to you about something."

"Yeah? Why didn't you just give me a call?" Nicky has shifted her weight to her other foot, eyeing Piper intensely while still grinning like she's just won the lottery.

"I... left my phone... at home," answered Piper before shifting her gaze away from Nicky.

"Oh. So if I call you now," Nicky slowly said as she brought out her phone, "I won't hear your phone's ugly ass ring tone?" She was about to dial Piper's number when suddenly the blonde snatched her phone away from her causing Nicky to laugh out loud.

"Fine!" Piper said gritting her teeth. "I came here to know what's going on with Alex, okay? Are you happy now?!"

Nicky was still laughing as she nodded her head, taking her phone back from Piper. "As a matter of fact, I am. Vause is really sick but Red needs me so I gotta run for a while—"

"Alex is sick?" Piper cut Nicky off as worry flashed through her face. But only a few seconds later, it turned into a slight annoyed look. "And you were gonna leave her alone?!"

"Whoah, hey!" Nicky raised her arms skyward at Piper's sudden _outburst_. "I was gonna come back, okay? And she's asleep anyway so I figured I could leave for a while." She paused, looking at Piper with her raised eyebrows. "You seem pretty concerned for someone who's claiming to still be mad at her." Piper immediately opened her mouth to say something but then closed it again. "Yeah, I thought so. Don't worry, it'll be our little secret," Nicky added as she winked at Piper. She then walked past Piper leaving Alex's door open.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"Leaving. I told you, Red needs me. And besides, you're here now. You can look after Vause for a while until I come back."

"What? No!"

Nicky stared at Piper for a while before shrugging her shoulders. She then went back to Alex's door to close it. "Fine, then I'll just leave her there. Hopefully, she doesn't wake up before I get back. Poor girl can barely move!" Her tone was obviously mocking now and she had to stop herself from laughing at the _deathly_ look Piper was giving her.

"I really hate you, you know?"

Nicky had let out her laugh by now. "I know. All right, I gotta get going. Bye, Chapman! Take care of Alex!"

And before Piper could even say a word, it was too late to back out. "Fuck."

It took Piper a while before she could finally convince herself to walk inside Alex's house. And when she finally did, she had to compose herself before she could take another step.

She hasn't been here in almost eight months and she knew that coming back here wasn't going to be easy. But still, she wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions and memories at the sight of the place she never thought she'd be able to set foot again.

Looking around, she noticed how nothing had changed. It still looked the same as it was the last time she was here and for a while, she just stood there, trying to even her breathing. She even considered going back out but the thought of Alex _sick and alone_ stopped her. Alex had been sick and alone for months and Piper wasn't letting that happen again now, no matter how hard this was for her.

So she took another step, and her feet had then led her to the most dangerous place of all, Alex's room. But she had no time to assess her feelings about being in this place again as she went in because all she could see at that point was _Alex_. Alex who was curled up in her bed with a blanket strewn all over her, her forehead creased, face obscured with a few strands of her hair.

Slowly and quietly, Piper approached her, her heart feeling as if it was going to come out of her chest as her breathing increased pace as well. At first, Piper was reluctant to move any closer but Alex looking so pale and vulnerable was like a magnet that pulled at her until she found herself already sitting on the side of the bed, beside Alex, very gently so as not to wake her up.

Piper's heart was now beating so fast she wasn't sure if it was because of her nerves or the fact that it was the first time in a really long time that she was _this_ close to Alex again. Sure, she had been with her in an enclosed space a couple of times since she was back but this time was different. Her brain wasn't being clouded by her emotions and there was only their close proximity that she could pay attention to.

Piper probably had every reason to forgive Alex. She said it herself, she found Alex's reason for leaving _reasonable_. But there was a part of her that just wasn't ready to forgive just yet, a part of her that kept telling her she needed more time, _they_ needed more time.

And yet, when she was this close to her, she couldn't help but think to herself, what if they've already had that time they needed to become the better versions of themselves to make this actually work? What if asking for much more time would only do bad than good? What if it was the right time to try again?

Even if she really didn't even know if it was what Alex wanted, for them to _try_ again. Since all she's every really asked of her was to understand why she had to do what she did.

But this was still Alex, _her Alex_. The woman who rocked her world, the woman who made her life just a little bit more worth living, the woman she had fallen head over heels in love with. They may have gone through so much crap, but this was a person she knew would always matter in her life no matter what.

So maybe she could keep dodging what's in front of her right now, but she couldn't run away from this. Not from something, _someone,_ so _inevitable_.

Suddenly, Piper was already brushing the strands of hair away from Alex's face, tucking them behind her ear, making sure she didn't wake her up in the process. For a moment, she let her hand stay where it was, her fingertips brushing lightly against Alex's face, and she was surprised by how calming touching Alex still was. And so before she even had time to think about what she was doing, she had already leaned down, her lips touching Alex's forehead ever so lightly.

And then she realized that yes, maybe she did not know what Alex wanted. But she knew what _she_ did. And it was sleeping right in front of her.

-o-o-o-

Alex woke up feeling much better than she did this morning, although she could still feel her head pounding a little, her whole body aching everywhere as if she's been made a punching bag the night before. She looked at the clock beside her and it read 12:37PM, which had then explained the grumbling of her stomach. She was about to stand up to prepare herself some food but as soon as she tried sitting upright, nausea hit her that she had to immediately lie back down, a loud groan escaping her lips. She _hated_ being sick.

Suddenly, she heard frantic footsteps coming from outside her room but thinking it was just Nicky, she chose to ignore it and decided to put a pillow all over her face. But her body became rigid as soon as she did because she then heard the last person she was expecting to be here right now.

"Alex?" Piper's tone was laced with worry and it was only proven more by the look on her face. She quickly rushed to the side of Alex's bed, apparently waiting for Alex to say anything.

"Piper? What are you doing here?"

Piper seemed surprised by the question but answered it anyway. "Uh, there was something Nicky had to do so she asked me if I could look after you for a while. What happened? Are you okay?" The worry in her tone was back again as she pressed the back of her palm on Alex's forehead. After she did, relief was evident on her face. "Your temperature's subsided. How are you feeling?"

Alex couldn't seem to find words at the moment as all she could think about was the fact that Piper was here. And she wasn't _mad_. Or so she looked, anyway. "I'm okay. Just a little dizzy. But I'm fine." _She's really here_ , Alex thought as she kept looking at Piper, wanting to convince herself that her eyes weren't just playing tricks on her. "You're mad at me. But you're here. Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"

Piper smiled slightly at this, and Alex thought it was the second most beautiful thing she's seen today. Piper was the first. She'd always be the _most beautiful_.

"It means I'm not holding any grudges today." Piper's smile did not until Alex had already smiled back at her, too. "I cooked. It's probably not that good but you have to eat so you have no other choice. I'll be right back, okay?"

Alex simply nodded but before Piper could walk out of her room, "Piper?" Piper looked back at her as soon as she called out to her. "I'm really happy to see you."

Piper just smiled at this before walking out, and for Alex, that was more than enough.

-o-o-o-

It was Monday and Piper was supposed to be going to Red's now but she wanted to see Alex first and make sure she was already okay. They spent almost the whole day yesterday and somehow the tension between them had slowly dissipated. They had managed to joke around each other again and Piper felt lighter than she's ever been in eight months, or probably even longer than that. If Nicky had not arrived, Piper knew she would have chosen to stay at Alex's until she was sure she was fine.

So today, it did not come as a surprise that she felt extra cheerful at the prospect of seeing Alex again. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of too much excitement, but not without the nagging feeling that today was going to be a great day.

But maybe fate had other plans for her today because that's when she saw a woman go inside Alex's house.

She couldn't see much of her face so all she noticed was her long red hair. Something horrible instantly settled at the pit of Piper's stomach at the thought of that woman having her own key at Alex's house (because how in the hell could she have gotten inside that quickly? Piper didn't even see her knock.), and who in the world she was in Alex's life.

So as Piper wondered who that woman was, she shifted the direction of her steps and instead of going to see Alex, she just decided to make her way to the diner, the _jealousy_ gnawing at her chest unpleasantly. Today may not turn out to be as great as she was expecting after all.

When she arrived at the diner, she immediately threw herself to work, her irritation towards the red head and even _Alex_ getting projected to all of Red's employees. She realized that being out here would not do anybody good so she just stayed inside her office to do some paperwork, which wasn't really much, so she ended up with thoughts that just made her wanna pull all her hair out.

She was _jealous_ , that much she knew. And it was creating such an unpleasant feeling at the pit of her stomach, the prospect of Alex moving on from her too much for her to bear.

She didn't know how much time had passed when urgent, loud knocks brought her back to reality. She already knew who the person behind the door was so she just waited for the door to open, the knocks not really asking for permission to enter but rather a warning that someone was about to enter.

True enough, Nicky was all of a sudden standing right in front of her table, arms folded in front of her chest. "Do you have plans of coming out to actually eat? It's almost 12. Everybody said you've locked yourself in here since early this morning. What happened?"

"Nothing," Piper shrugged, not really in the mood to tell Nicky anything. "Come on, I'm starving." Thankfully, Nicky didn't say anything and just followed her out. Piper then signalled for one of the waitresses to get her and Nicky something to eat when she heard Nicky groan. "What?"

"I was kind of hoping we'd eat somewhere else."

Piper was about to say something to Nicky when she heard a chime, meaning a new customer. She was ready to put on her smile and her _this-is-the-nicest-diner-with-the-most-pleasant-people_ act when she was frozen to her spot by who just entered the diner.

It was the redhead. That freaking woman who had just ruined her supposedly good day. "Hi," she said, a smile adorning her face. Piper already _hated_ her.

Piper didn't wanna return the pleasantry but then she remembered she had _no choice_ so she faked a smile as she greeted her. "Hi, welcome to Red's."

"I'm, uh, I'm a friend of Alex." Piper noticed that this had caught Nicky's attention, too, and soon enough, she was looking at Piper and the redhead back and forth and Piper knew what was already going on in her mind that time. "I just wanted to buy her lunch."

 _Do you think I care?_ Piper thought, only to be contradicted by her own self. _Of course you do, you idiot._ "Oh yeah, hi. Uhm. Okay," said Piper who unfortunately glanced at Nicky. She had a shit-eating grin and when Piper glared at her, her smirk only grew wider. "Janae?" Alex called for one of the waitresses and motioned for her to take care of the new _customer_. She waited for Janae to take the redhead's order before she turned her back towards them.

"I'm Janis," she announced, her tone a little too friendly for Piper's liking, apparently not getting Piper's hint that she didn't wanna talk to her.

 _Who in the world gives a fuck?_ Piper thought again. _Alex does, that's who_. "Hi, I'm Piper. This is Nicky," she said emotionlessly, gesturing towards Nicky. Nicky just waved.

"You're Piper?" asked _Janis_ incredulously, a small chuckle escaping her lips. "Holy shit."

Her reaction wasn't something that Piper was expecting, so she looked at Nicky again who only shrugged back at her. _She knows me?_ "You know me?"

"Yeah, of course! Alex talks about you all the time."

 _She does?_ "Oh. Well, we go way back," Piper answered nonchalantly, as if what the woman just revealed didn't cause her heart to somersault inside her chest. Okay, that was probably over exaggerating.

"Way, way back," added Nicky.

"I know," answered Janis, not missing a heartbeat.

 _You do?_ "Really?"

"Yeah, Alex loves talking about you," she smiled, and it was so genuine Piper realized that she actually didn't hate her because she was a bitch, but because she was the exact opposite of that. Janis' order then came and as she grabbed it, she looked at Piper once again. "It's nice to have finally met you, Piper. See you around."

Piper forced a smile before nodding. "Nice to meet you, too. And yeah, see you around." _Or not._

Piper and Nicky watched Janis walk out of the diner and when she was out of sight, Nicky spoke up, her tone mocking, "Alex loves talking about you."

"Shut up."

As Nicky laughed out loud, all Piper could think about was what this Janis woman had just revealed. _Alex loves talking about me._

-o-o-o-

It was almost six in the evening, Piper had just gotten out of her office and was about to leave Red's when she saw a familiar figure standing on the counter and suddenly her heart started racing. She hated feeling this way, like she was some teenage schoolgirl who blushed like an idiot every time her crush approached, but she couldn't help it.

Alex still had that effect on her and try as she might, Piper had no way of stopping it.

She considered going back to her office until Alex left but before she could even turn around, Alex was already smiling at her, as if waiting for her to come closer.

"Hey," Alex greeted cheerfully, and Piper found a sense of relief in this seeing that Alex looked so much better than she was yesterday. "Are you leaving?"

"Uhm, yeah. How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling great, thanks to you." Alex's smile grew even wider but then her order came and Piper couldn't help but notice that she ordered two set of meals. Suddenly, she was reminded of the woman who had gotten inside her house earlier, the woman who came by and brought Alex lunch, the woman who had just caused Piper to feel like a jealous girlfriend when she really had no right to feel that anymore. _Fucking Janis_.

To make matters worse, Alex ordered _their favourite_. And it pissed Piper off immensely, because that was supposed to be _their meal_. It was their go-to-meal when Alex wasn't feeling like cooking. That was what they always ordered every time Piper could convince Alex to eat at Red's. It was supposed to be their thing but now that _woman_ was taking it away from them by having Alex order it so they could eat it _together_.

That truly stung and Piper had a sudden urge to get out of there, her chest constricting in a not so good way. She was _jealous_ and she hated it. That woman may not even mean anything to Alex and yet, here she was taking away something that was important in her and Alex's relationship. Maybe it was just food but—

"Piper?"

Piper jerked slightly at being taken back to reality by Alex's voice. She then looked at Alex and the taller woman looked a little worried, and maybe slightly confused, at her reaction. "Yeah? Uhm, look I gotta go. I have this thing I need to... uh..." She then started walking away without looking at Alex again because those green eyes still had the power to melt her resolve. And her resolve couldn't be melted right this fucking moment. She had to get out of there now.

"Pipes?"

Piper was frozen to her spot at Alex's use of her nickname, and ever so slowly, she turned back around and looked at her. "Yeah?"

"Have you had dinner?"

"What?"

"Dinner. Uh, I haven't... and I would really love it if you joined me?" Alex said apprehensively, lifting the food she just ordered to show Piper what she was trying to say.

 _Wait, what? That dinner was for me?_ Piper thought, not trusting the way her mind was working right now.

"If it's okay?"

Alex looked so nervous and Piper found it so adorable that before she could even use words, she found herself nodding at Alex, a small smile forming on her lips. "S-sure, yeah."

They then proceeded to sit at a corner table, Alex waiting for Piper to sit before taking the seat right across her. As Alex set the food on the table, Piper couldn't help but study her for a bit, the way her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, or the way she bit her bottom lip. Absentmindedly, Piper's eyes travelled further down. Alex was wearing a white v-neck shirt that showed just the right amount of cleavage and Piper's gaze stayed there a little longer than she was supposed to.

And then catching her by surprise, she suddenly felt a different sensation that settled at the pit of her stomach, going further down towards her center, a surge of heat that she hasn't felt in a _really_ long time, almost eight months if she was being particular.

After realizing what she just felt, she shook her head profusely, thankful that Alex didn't seem to notice it, before clearing her throat. "So, quick question. You bought me dinner before you asked me?"

"Yeah," Alex chuckled.

"What if I said no?"

"Were you gonna say no?" Alex immediately asked back, cocking an eyebrow at Piper, her lips tugged upward in a smirk.

"I mean..." Piper looked away for a while, not being able to hold Alex's gaze for much longer, especially because she's looking at her like _that_ , "... _no_ ," she then added, so soft she wasn't sure Alex even heard her. But then she looked back at Alex and by the look on her face, Piper knew she heard her.

They stayed quiet for a while, just enjoying their dinner, and probably even more each other's presence, until Alex spoke. "Anyway, thank you for taking care of me yesterday. I know you didn't have to but you did anyway so... thank you," she said sincerely, a small smile planted on her face. Piper only nodded at this in acknowledgment. "I was gonna pick another place other than Red's... for dinner I mean. If only I can move for ten straight minutes without having the need to pass out."

Piper's smile had grown wider this time as she shook her head. "No, this is okay. It's uhm, it's great, thank you. So you're feeling okay now? I mean, aside from the wanting to pass out every ten minutes or so."

Again, Alex laughed at Piper's joke and Piper swore she could just stay right there listening to Alex laugh. "Yes, much better. I can go back to work tomorrow. Janis won't be happy if I miss work another day."

Piper's smile had faltered a bit at the mention of Janis and she had to take a sip of water to distract herself from the jealousy that again plagued her the minute Alex mentioned her.

"She told me you've met earlier?" Alex asked again, and Piper wished she would just drop the topic and move on to other things.

"Uh, yeah. She came by. She bought your lunch."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, that was nice of her."

Piper wasn't gonna say anything. She was supposed to just leave it at that but she didn't know what suddenly overcome her when she next opened her mouth to say something. "So... you and Janis..."

"Yeah?"

"Uh, are you two...?" Piper let the last word hang, hoping that Alex would get what she meant. She couldn't say the words because she was afraid of what emotions it was gonna cause her.

"Together?" Alex asked, a little surprised. She then shook her head as her eyebrows furrowed. "No. She's my boss."

Piper nodded, but that answer was not yet enough. "But were you..."

"No, we were never."

"So you haven't..."

"We haven't." The questions and answers between the two were already going so fast by then. "There's been no one else, Pipes."

At Alex's last line, Piper found herself breathing a sigh of relief before she could even stop it. She felt warmth on her cheeks at the possibility that Alex might have seen her reaction. But the fact that Alex said _they aren't, never were,_ and _never did it,_ was good enough for her to not really care whether Alex saw her or not. "Oh. Well, it's... I mean, there's really no need to explain. I was just asking."

"For Science?"

Alex was again wearing that shit-eating grin and Piper knew by then that she's been caught. "What?"

Alex shook her head, the smile on her lips only growing wider by the second. "Nothing. Are you ready to go?"

"Uhm, yeah!" Piper said as she stood up. Soon enough, she was walking side by side with Alex, the cool breeze of the night sending shivers down her spine. At least that's what she wanted to think was the reason, and not the fact that her shoulder was brushing slightly against Alex's, their bodies too close for Piper to think about anything but the warmth that was spreading right from her chest towards her center. "I'm going to walk you home, make sure you're okay."

"Okay," Alex said softly, smiling at her before her gaze went back to the path they were taking. They then reached her place in complete silence, but for the first time since she came back, it wasn't uncomfortable. "Thanks again, for yesterday, and for agreeing to dinner, and for walking me home," she then told Piper, a soft chuckle escaping her lips.

"No problem. Thanks for dinner."

Then they just stood there, facing each other with only a few inches apart. Piper was looking straight into Alex's beautiful green eyes and none of them seemed to be able to look away. Alex was looking at her intensely with that kind of look that she's always given her, her eyes saying a lot more than words probably could and Piper looked back at her the same way.

Time stopped as it reduced everything else into background, leaving only the two of them to deal with the onslaught of emotions that their eyes were screaming towards each other.

Piper didn't know who moved closer to whom, but then she could feel Alex's warm breath tickling her face and she was suddenly thrown back to reality. She took two steps backwards, her gaze shifting anywhere but Alex. "I should, uh... I should probably go."

"R-right." Alex seemed to be feeling exactly what Piper was feeling at the moment as she adjusted her glasses, her other hand going inside her jean's pocket.

"Good night, Alex." Piper managed to give Alex a small smile as Alex smiled back.

"Good night, Piper."

And then Piper was walking away, wondering what would have happened if she stayed just a little bit longer. She could still feel Alex's warmth against her, could still feel her heart racing, and just like that, she's realized that she didn't want her evening with Alex to end just yet. So before she had time to convince herself otherwise, she was walking back towards Alex's place.

There she saw her sitting right on the steps of her front porch, hands clasped together with her arms stretched forward resting on her knees. When she spotted her, Piper could see the surprise in her eyes. "Piper? Did you forget anything?"

"No. I just realized that Danny and Cal aren't home anymore and I don't think I want to arrive to an empty apartment just yet. Uh, is it okay if I... stay for while?"

"Yes," Alex answered quickly, much to Piper's liking. "Yeah, of course." She then scooted over giving Piper room to sit beside her. "So, how are things gonna go with you and your brothers from now on anyway?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But we promised to stay in touch so I guess that's gonna have to do for now," Piper smiled before giving Alex a quick glance.

"I'm really happy for you, Pipes. I'm glad you're with them again."

Piper's smile widened even more at this and this time, she looked at Alex just a little bit longer. "Yeah well, you made it happen. Thanks again... Alex."

Alex just shrugged at this but not without beaming back at her. "Your brothers are really awesome. I mean, Cal... he's fucking hilarious."

Piper chuckled at this, and not for long had Alex joined her. She loved hearing Alex laugh and it made her chest flutter in a really good way. "He's crazy. They both are. And they actually like you very much."

"Yeah?" Alex raised her eyebrows at Piper.

"Yeah," Piper didn't bother looking away now, the sight of Alex leaning slightly on both her hands stretched behind her giving her a sense of _happiness_ she's never felt in quite a while.

"That's nice," Alex responded with a slight nod. "I hope their sister likes me as much."

This time, Piper couldn't help but look away, only because she had to hide the blush on her cheeks that she was pretty sure was very obvious right now. Another thing she couldn't stop was her smile that probably reached her ears by now. "I'm sure she does." _A lot, lot more, actually_.

Again, they've fallen into a comfortable silence, with Piper not daring to look back at Alex again. So instead, she focused on the stars right above them, and the moon that seemed to be shining brighter than Piper had ever seen it.

But only a few seconds later, Piper was getting distracted at the sight that the corner of her eye was catching. "You're staring." And it was already out of impulse, but she dared look back at Alex and true enough, she was giving her _that look_ again.

"It's just..." Alex said softly, without breaking her eye contact with Piper. "I really missed you."

Piper just smiled at this, not knowing how to really respond to that. She looked back up at the sky hoping that Alex wasn't too disappointed at her silence. But Alex didn't seem to mind the lack of response, though, as she had mimicked Piper's action of looking up.

They stayed like that for a while, and both of them seemed to take comfort at the silence. Piper didn't know about Alex but she was enjoying this immensely, and how she wished the night could just go on forever.

But _forever_ may be stretching it a bit as soon enough, she realized that the night was getting deep and it was maybe time for her to head home. "I think I'm ready to go home now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks for keeping me company," answered Piper as she stood up, followed by Alex who walked behind her. When they reached the side of the road, both said another set of good nights before Alex turned her back on Piper and started walking back to her house. "Hey, Alex?"

Alex immediately looked back at her. "Yeah?"

"I really missed you, too." Piper gave Alex one last smile and before seeing Alex's reaction, she had already turned her back on her, as she made her way back to her own place.

Suddenly, the night seemed to have just gotten so much better for Piper.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **RANVEER,** Hi, I'm glad to see you back on my story's review section! Thank you very much, it means a lot that you've left reviews on this despite it not being really your thing. =)

 **Guest (speechless),** Your review honestly made me smile like an idiot. Thank you! =)

 **RJVause,** Yes, we may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now. Thank you so much for that wonderful review. *happy smiley face* right back at you!

 **izzielg,** Yes, probably! Haha. Here's a new post hope you like it more than I did. Haha. =)

 **Guest (Walk Away),** Hi! I listened to the song you mentioned and it really does fit a part of the story. Thank you for sharing it with me. It's a beautiful song =) And thank you for the review as well!

 **vausegasm,** I could see that your hormones were in full swing the last time you reviewed. Hopefully they're a little tamer now. Haha! I hate making people cry (or not) and I tried my best not to do it again with this chapter. Thank you for your review, even if it made me wanna hide inside my closet for a very long while. =))

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Thank you so much! I'm glad that you liked the previous chapter. That was a wonderful review, keep'em coming! Haha. =)

 **WB79,** Oh my gosh, thank you! I'm glad that you agree with how the story turned out. And I couldn't agree more about the Alex part. She's Alex! Haha. =)

 **vausemanoitnb,** Hm, they are gonna try to work things out soon. Hopefully. Haha. I hope you love this chapter as well, thank you! =)

 **Z-Tea,** Hahahahaha oh my god, I'm speechless with your review. Thank you! =)

 **Yooooooo,** I'm sorry! I didn't know the last chapter was gonna hurt that bad. Maybe I've just been immuned to pain, huh? But I tried to make it up with you guys with this chapter, so hopefully all would be well. Haha! Thank you for your review, it was awesome! =)

 **klaudiasurg,** Yes, indeed. It wouldn't be easy to forgive someone who has hurt you so bad no matter how much you love that person. But maybe eventually, it'll happen. Thank you for the review! =)

 **sara lance,** I love Clarity, too, and I totall agree about it fitting Vauseman so well! There's this Vauseman video on Youtube and the song used was Clarity (I'm sure you know that, haha) and I've seen it a million times it's just so perfect! And yeah, I love putting in a little canon on here every now and then coz I know I've gone too far from that. And no one can resist Alex Vause, certainly not me. I'll let you guys know when it's already about to end (maybe, haha)

 **Budda1127,** That was one of my favourite reviews so far, it was beautiful. Thank you very much! You are also amazing and thank you for almost making me cry. Haha. =)

 **amciotola1,** Hm, now they've gotten a little closer again. But still they have a long way to go. Thank you for the review! =)

 **rach5878,** Wow, that was such an amazing compliment! I can't even thank you enough. That was really sweet of you to say. Thank you so much! I hope this chapter hasn't left you emo. Haha. =)

 **Guest (such a good update),** I'm glad you like my own version of Vauseman even if they've probably become OOC and that they're really problematic. Haha! And oh my gosh, they way you spelled _**luv**_ reminds me of Laura Prepon so much. Please tell me you're her. Hahaha. =) But anyway, thank you! =)

 **schillingarmy,** I love Clarity, too, and I totall agree about it fitting Vauseman so well! There's this Vauseman video on Youtube and the song used was Clarity (I'm sure you know that, haha) and I've seen it a million times it's just so perfect! (I wrote this for sara lance, too, but I thought I'd say the same to you) Thank you very much for such wonderful review. Have an amazing day as well! =)

 **Guest (Great chapter!),** I'm glad I've made you happy with the previous chapter. All I've seemed to manage to do so far is make people cry. Haha! Thank you for that awesome review, and you're even as awesome! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** Oh geez, you calling the previous chapter a "masterpiece" may have just become the highlight of my day. Thank you so much, that really, really means a lot. You're welcome but I also wanna thank you... over and over again. =)

 **jomichael3,** Hello! I feel like I'm a different person whenever I'm replying to you through here. Haha. But anyway, thanks again! And looking forward to talking to you again soon. Hugs and kisses! =)

 **Guest (loved that I used lyrics to Clarity),** Clarity is indeed a perfect song for Vauseman, it just fits them really well. Thank you! =)

 **FFChik,** Haha, I guess I've made a name as that one who likes to write heavy things for Vauseman, huh? Anyway thank you! Glad to know your insight on my version of Vauseman and it was amazing. =)

 **Guest (who wants to squeeze me),** Haha, you can totally squeeze me! But only if you let me squeeze you back! Thank you! And hopefully since you love cute and awkward Vauseman, you'd love this chapter as well. =)

 **Guest (3),** I don't know what this was supposed to mean, but thank you anyway! Haha.

 **Sheri,** Girl, your reviews are "award" enough for me. And it's even better! So thank you very much! I can't express enough how much I love you guys for it. =)

 **moanzs,** Yey, I'm really glad you loved it. And I really do think that there's probably an 80% chance of things only going up from here. The other 20% is still owned by the devil inside of me so beware. Haha! Thank you! =)

 **huggerguest,** Hahaha yes, Piper indeed has that temper. Hot and sweet Vauseman may make an appearance soon, I think. But not making any promises! Haha.

 **Vausemaniac,** Hi! Hey no problem about the late review, you reviewed and that's really all that matters. Anyway, thank you for mentioning that scene when canon Vauseman broke up for the first time. The "This doesn't change anything" part. That was just really an amazing coincidence but I'm really glad you pointed it out to me, so thank you! And I'm also happy to know the "bright spots" you found in the previous chapter. You always leave one of the most amazing reviews and I can't thank you enough. I heart you, kind person! =)


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

Few things. I know I haven't mentioned where Piper and Alex lived but I've always thought it was still in New York, just somewhere small and isolated. In this chapter I've mentioned briefly in which town they lived and I'm sorry if there are some inaccuracies as I'm not from the US. If you notice any mistakes please feel free to call me out on it, I would really appreciate it. Thank you! =)

And here's an even longer chapter than the previous one. I'm sorry but I just really couldn't help it. Hopefully it makes up for not updating sooner. =))

 **22**

" _There is only one great mystery,_

 _And I keep searching for the answer desperately..._

 _Tell me, tell me baby, tell me please,_

 _What did I ever do to make you fall for me?"_

-o-o-o-

It was one of those days wherein Piper woke up with a huge grin on her face. She had a very pleasant dream, and apparently that dream was good enough to still affect her even after she's woken up. It had been so long since the last time this happened and she welcomed it with a huge smile and a hope that it was a sign for an upcoming good day.

So Piper started her day more blissful than usual, looking forward to whatever the day was about to bring her, even after Nicky had come by her house only to pester her with her usual nonsense but hilarious banters.

"Don't you really have anywhere else better to go to? And what are you doing up so early?" asked Piper as she ate her breakfast of bacon, eggs and pancakes. Nicky had of course joined her and was sitting just across her.

"I have to pick Lorna up in an hour," answered Nicky briefly, shoving food in her mouth like she was in a marathon. Piper looked at her with amusement on her face. "You're still not used to this?" she added with her mouth full, gesturing to herself.

Piper chuckled at Nicky's inquiry with a slight shake of her head. "I don't think I can ever get used to your... very strange behaviour. And you're not supposed talk with your mouth full like you're some animal or something."

"Oh, I didn't know animals _speak_ ," Nicky said getting another chuckle from Piper. Clearly, the blonde was having a _great_ start of the day.

Suddenly, they heard three swift knocks on Piper's door. They both stopped moving at the same time as they looked at each other before looking at the door also at the same time.

"Are you expecting someone?" asked Nicky, knowing Piper never got any visitor, except for her, Lorna, and well, _Alex_. And since there was no chance that it would be Lorna behind that door, Nicky was half-expecting the surprise visitor to be Alex.

Piper may have been thinking the same thing as Nicky as her heart suddenly started beating faster than normal. She and Alex had a great time last night and if Piper was being honest, she was eager to see her again, not that she would ever say that out loud. But it was not even eight in the morning and if it was Alex who was making Piper a surprise visit, then Piper's eagerness about them seeing each other again may have just been tramped.

"No." She then stood up, and walked towards her door, her hands suddenly becoming clammy as nerves hit her. She then opened the door, expecting a certain tall raven-haired woman standing there but only to be disappointed when it was just a guy holding what seemed to be a thin, long box.

"Hi, are you Piper Chapman?" he asked as he read something on a paper he was holding.

"Yeah, how may I help you?" asked Piper back, confused as to who this guy was.

"I have a package for you," he then handed the small, and very light, package to Piper. "And can you just sign here please?" he added, holding out a pen and paper.

"I'm sorry, I didn't order anything." Piper answered reluctantly, still not taking the thing that the guy was handing her.

"I don't know, it said here to deliver this to you. If you can just sign here?" he asked again, obviously in a hurry.

Piper wanted to refuse but decided against it as curiosity won over her. She then took the package before signing the paper, the guy leaving immediately as soon as she did. Piper went back to her dining table examining the box she just received wondering what it was and who it was from.

"What the hell is that?"

"I have no idea."

"Come on, open it," Nicky said as she leaned towards Piper, looking as if she was even more excited about the unexpected delivery than Piper was.

Piper obliged as Nicky's excitement seemed to have reached her, too, opening the box carefully. She then gasped as she saw what was inside. It was one beautiful red rose, with a small note attached to it that says:

 _"Something to hopefully brighten up your day. A.V."_

Piper couldn't help the blush that crept through her cheeks as she held the rose delicately. It was just a simple rose, with a simple note, and yet it felt so much more than that. Alex had always been sweet but she rarely showed that side of her and so when she did, it really meant a lot to Piper.

And the fact that this was the first thing she thought to do today even made Piper's chest fill with warmth. Suddenly, Piper wanted to see her even more.

"Whoah, I didn't know you had an admirer. Who's it from?" asked Nicky who did not see the note that came with it.

Piper smiled as she smelled the rose. She then looked at Nicky, with a huge grin still plastered on her face. "It's from Alex."

"Alex? Alex Vause?"

Piper furrowed her forehead at Nicky's question. "How many Alex do you think I know?"

"No. It's just that... Alex, really? One rose? _I'm_ the one-rose-kind-of-gal. Alex is the one with all that grand gesture bullshit," Nicky exclaimed, taking the note from Piper and reading it. A small smirk formed on her lips as she read the note, her head involuntarily shaking. Who would have thought the great Alex Vause had it in her?

"Nicky, you're the no-rose-kind-of-gal," Piper corrected her, the smile still not leaving her face.

Nicky smirked with a nod, agreeing with Piper. "True." She then handed Piper back the note as she once again remembered her point. "But it's Alex. When she gives you _just_ one rose, it's either she's losing her touch, or she has something bigger in store for you."

Piper knew what Nicky was talking about. Alex truly rarely showed her sweet side, but when she did, she was all out. And _one rose_ was definitely not going all out in Alex's dictionary.

But then again, Piper had seen the change in Alex ever since she came back and maybe this was part of it. And it didn't really matter to Piper. She found the gesture sweet and she appreciated it very much. "What, it's cute," she then said, feeling the need to defend Alex's action. This was special to Piper and she wanted Nicky to see that, no matter what _that_ meant.

"Chapman, this is Vause. You find everything she does cute. She could probably piss in front of a hundred people and you'd still find her cute."

Piper couldn't help but chuckle at this because as odd as that may have sounded, it might actually be _true_. Absentmindedly, she brought the rose to her nose once again, its fragrance filling her nostrils causing a beautiful sensation that spread through her chest.

"You make me wanna throw up."

"Oh like you haven't been this... _whatever_ with Lorna."

"It's acceptable for me to be this _whatever_ with Lorna, because she's my girlfriend. What are you and Alex? I mean, technically you didn't even break up."

"Yeah, she just left and never came back for seven months. Yes, we're still very much together," answered Piper sarcastically. Usually, this statement would have come with some sort of pain in her chest, but surprisingly, it didn't. The only thing that bothered her was the fact that she and Alex were actually, really _not together_ anymore.

"Obviously, that's changing sooner rather than later with your reaction to a single fucking rose."

Piper didn't say anything else, but found herself hoping that Nicky might be right. There were probably still a lot of things she needed to talk to Alex about but right now, she didn't seem like she was in a hurry to do any of that just yet.

Right now, she just wanted to enjoy this day that seemed to have just gotten a hundred times better.

-o-o-o-

"Nothing. Piper and I are _nothing_."

Alex was back at work very early on a Tuesday morning. She worked at one of the art galleries that Janis's owned as an Import and Export Supervisor, overlooking the import and export logistics of the gallery. This job had been offered to her by Janis when they met at one of her NA meetings (that Janis' husband was a part of) in Rhode Island, the place she found herself staying in when she took off. They eventually became friends leading to Janis's job offer which Alex immediately accepted.

Janis owned multiple art galleries in the country and right after she found out about Alex's previous job as heroin importer, she did not hesitate to offer the position to her, believing in Alex's ability to use those skills she had always been good with at a clean job. There had never been judgment from her, believing that people gotta do what they gotta do, probably one of the reasons why she and Alex hit it off as soon as they met.

At first, Alex worked at one of Janis' art galleries in Rhode Island. But when she told her about her plans of moving back to Aurora, New York, therefore needing to resign from her job, Janis just brushed her resignation off and offered her the same job at a nearer gallery from her town.

Alex did not need the job, she had money that could probably last her two entire lifetimes. But the thought of having to spend each of her days inside her house doing basically the same _nothing_ was just not appealing to her anymore. So she accepted, and here she was.

"Oh fuck off. You're not _nothing_. You're at least _something_."

Even though Janis did not really need to visit all her galleries all the time, she still did so, wanting to see how everything was going herself. And when she found out about Alex missing work, which she had never done ever since she started with her job, she immediately decided to drop her a visit, not only because she was curious as to why she missed work, but also to finally meet the _Piper_ that Alex had always talked about ever since they met.

"Well then I don't know what that is. Right now, I'm just hoping that she'd finally forgive me for what I did and then after that, I'm just gonna go with the flow."

"Do you still love her?"

Alex looked at Janis for a while, not speaking, before smiling and letting out a long sigh. "That's kind of something that's not ever going away."

Janise smiled at Alex's answer, having found herself so fascinated with Alex and Piper's story. She did not know what it was with her that Alex seemed to trust her enough to tell her everything, but she was glad that Alex did. It was rare for her to know someone who had that kind of _love_ and it was a beautiful thing just to even be _aware_ of.

"Okay, so you still love her. And she still loves you—"

Alex let out a hollow laugh at this. "After what I did? I don't think so."

"Alex, you did not see the way she looked at me when we saw each other. I swear if there weren't any people there, she would have probably skinned me alive. I'm telling you, she still loves you."

That thought gave Alex a flicker of hope that maybe, she and Piper could still work things out even after all the bullshit they have gone through. Coming back here had always been part of her plan. She only needed to get away until she was sure that she couldn't destroy Piper more than she had already done before. She also needed to fix herself and when she was confident enough to go back to Piper's life, to _her_ old life, she did.

But one thing she had never been sure of was whether she wanted to be back in Piper's life in _that_ way again, if she wanted them to get back together. She knew that it wasn't really her decision to make, that it was going to be Piper's from now on but ever since she saw her, she could no longer hide the fact that she still felt the same way she's always felt for Piper. She still loved her, as she knew she always would and no matter how much she would refuse to act on it, she just wasn't winning that fight.

She really wanted Piper back.

Alex knew that decision was still Piper's and if she decided that having her back was something that she didn't want anymore, Alex would totally understand. Not that it wouldn't hurt, because it would, _a lot_ , but if it was what was gonna happen, then Alex only deserved it and nothing more.

But she could see the way Piper looked at her and she couldn't help but think, and hope, that there was still something there... maybe there was still a chance. So she decided not to give up so easily and at least do something about it.

Alex wanted to give Piper one rose more than the previous number of rose/s she'd send her every hour. And seeing that it was already past 11 o'clock, Piper had probably received her 15th rose for the day. It was probably too _sappy_ for Alex's usual moves but if being sappy was what it was gonna take, then so be it. Lost in her thoughts, she did not notice that her phone had been buzzing at the top of her table.

"Uh, I think someone's calling you," Janis' voice brought Alex back and she immediately answered the phone call without looking at who was calling. As Alex pressed the phone to her ear, Janis quietly excused herself and left Alex's office.

"You know," said the soft voice from the other end of the line, "I'm kind of starting to feel bad for the delivery guy."

Almost as soon as she recognized whose the voice was, Alex immediately smiled. "Yeah? And why's that?"

"Every time he comes back to me, he looks more and more like he wants to murder me."

Alex chuckled, the butterflies in her stomach feeling more and more like an entire zoo every passing second of hearing Piper's voice. "So let me be clear. He looks like he's about to murder you and yet you still feel bad for him? You're something else, you know that?"

It took a while before Piper said anything else and Alex could only hope that Piper mirrored her reaction at the other end of the line, smiling like an idiot as if this phone call had been the best thing that's happened to her today.

It _was_ the best thing that has happened to her today.

"Hi," said Piper instead of answering what Alex had said before. "Thanks for the roses... and notes. They're... really nice. I mean, beautiful. They're beautiful."

"I would have delivered them to you myself if only I don't have work today. I hope it's not too much?"

"No, I love them. Although if you keep this up for another ten hours, I'd have 120 roses at the end of the day. And I don't think I have enough space in my apartment for that," Piper said jokingly, the light tone in her voice suggesting that she was actually smiling.

"Wow, I'm impressed, you're very good in Math. I like that in a woman. What else do I need to know about you?" Alex asked, only half-joking. She probably knew everything about Piper by now. But with the time that she was gone, and with how things had turned out for both of them, this felt like starting over again. She hoped that Piper thought that, too.

"Hm, well you just have to find that out yourself."

Alex chuckled and she could hear a soft chuckle from Piper's end as well.

"So, wait. You're not really sending me a hundred and twenty roses today, are you?"

Alex then again chuckled, as she probably always would the entire time she would be speaking to Piper. "Hm, well you just have to find that out yourself," she answered, mimicking Piper's previous answer.

"Huh, clever. But okay, if you really are not yet done with the roses, can you please send another guy next time? I don't wanna be murdered before I get my 120th rose."

Alex's smile widened at this, a sudden urge to see Piper growing inside her the more she could hear Piper talk and the more she imagined her cute dimples as she smiled. "Okay, I will make sure to do just that."

"Thanks, Alex," said Piper, her voice a lot softer. Alex could hear something else in her tone, something she was very familiar with, but she couldn't put a finger on it. It was familiar in a really good way, though, and it was all that really mattered to her. "Bye."

"Bye, Piper. I'll see you soon."

-o-o-o-

Alex kept the roses coming, along with her little notes which were sometimes sweet, others funny, but there were also those with sexual innuendos that Piper knew Alex just couldn't help. Every hour, Piper found herself waiting for the roses, more often than not hoping that it would be Alex who would bring them this time even though she knew that Alex was at work and couldn't really do that.

But Alex made sure to make up for her _absence_ by giving Piper a call every now and then, and even thought it wasn't as good as seeing her in person, Piper enjoyed their conversations immensely that she didn't even realize it was already time for her to leave work.

She went home that day feeling lighter than she's ever felt, the exhaustion from work unfelt as all she could think about was _Alex_.

The next few days were almost the same, flowers still kept coming, but they stopped when Piper was able to convince Alex that there was no need for her to be giving her that many. It was during the fourth day after Alex started giving her the roses that Piper's finally seen her and it felt like she hasn't seen her in a long time that she didn't even care if her excitement at seeing her again was already too obvious.

"Hi," Alex said as Piper got out of Red's. She was holding a bouquet of flowers that didn't go unnoticed by Piper, all the while hoping that it was for her.

"Alex!" exclaimed Piper, a huge grin adorning her face. She was glad that Alex has caught her before she had gone home. Alex hasn't tried to come by her place and she knew she was only waiting for Piper to invite her herself. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you. I mean, I've been wanting to see you ever since Tuesday but I got swamped with work so I couldn't come by, I'm sorry." She then held out her hands as she gave Piper the flowers. "Here, I know it's probably not enough to make up for it, and you're probably tired of all the flowers I've been giving you but..." she left her words hanging and Piper found it so adorable that she just wanted to lean in and wrap her in a hug.

"It's all right. And these are beautiful, Alex. Thank you."

Piper was left speechless as she looked at Alex who looked back at her eagerly, their eyes meeting with such intensity it was hard to tear their gazes away from each other. Suddenly, Piper had this urge to kiss her, even just a small kiss on the cheek, anything just to feel Alex _physically_ , because God had it been so long. But thankfully, she managed to control herself, managing to shake herself out of the trance that Alex seemed to be so good at pulling her to.

"Uhm, I was just headed home for dinner. Do you wanna... come over?" Piper didn't know where the courage came from but before she could even stop herself, the words were out of her mouth.

"I would love to. But, uh, I'm actually headed somewhere. I promised someone I'd come visit her often but I haven't done it in days so..."

"Oh," if Piper wanted to be subtle about the disappointment she felt at Alex's answer, she wasn't very successful. And she knew that Alex noticed from the smirk that formed on her lips. "I mean, okay, next time then."

"I was kind of hoping you'd come with me?"

"What?"

"I think she'd want you to be there."

"Who?"

"You'll just have to come and find out, right?"

Piper chuckled at this but deep inside she wasn't sure if she wanted to see whoever it was that Alex was seeing. By the way Alex spoke about her, she seemed important to her and Piper couldn't help but feel a little jealous over it... okay maybe _extremely_ jealous, but whatever.

Alex must have sensed Piper's reluctance so she added, "I'll cook your dinner afterwards if you come? Please?"

Piper's doubts about going with Alex were thrown out the window at that moment at the sight of Alex. She looked so adorable with her little pout, looking like a child waiting for her request to be granted. So even if Piper was probably going to regret it, she decided to go with Alex, hoping to any gods out there that this wouldn't completely go wrong.

The first thing she noticed was Alex's car. She hasn't seen it ever since she came back and maybe the reason was that it was different. Piper didn't know much about cars but she knew that it was a Mustang. She also knew how much Alex loved her old car and she wondered why she changed it.

She was supposed to ask her about it as they both got inside but was stopped dead when she noticed another set of bouquet of flowers in there. If Piper was jealous before, she was now confused and if she was really being honest, a little pissed off.

Was Alex seeing another woman? If she was, wouldn't it be a little fucked up that Alex would want _her_ to meet that _other woman_? Just thinking about it, Piper found herself getting worked up in a dangerous kind of way, the famous Chapman temper about to announce its presence.

She didn't know what kind of game Alex was playing at but she was certain if this had indeed become just a game to her, Piper didn't want to be a part of any of it.

And yet, in the middle of her annoyance and irritation at the sudden turn of events, she found herself feeling some kind of _loss_. Honestly, she wasn't sure of what she wanted, she didn't know whether she wanted to work things out with Alex again. But she knew what she felt about her and she may not be ready to figure out what she wanted to do with it just yet, but she was also not ready to let Alex _go_.

But with what she might have just figured out, maybe it was time to do just _that_.

"Pipes?"

Piper didn't know how long her mind was _gone_ but when Alex spoke, she was pulled back from her thoughts and she noticed that the car had already pulled into a stop.

"Are you okay? You've been really quiet," Alex asked, a look of concern evident on her face.

"Uh, yeah. Where are we?"

But instead of answering, Alex only looked out the window and there Piper saw where they were. _And then it all made sense._

Why Alex had flowers. Why she seemed to speak about the _other woman_ with such importance and _love_. Piper saw it, but refused to acknowledge it when she did. But now it made sense.

She was meeting Alex's _Mom_.

"Let's go?" Alex asked, and Piper could see how Alex's eyes were suddenly sparkling, the happiness in her radiating off of her body. Piper had not seen Alex this _relaxed_ ever since she came back and now Piper felt bad for thinking all of those things she just did about her.

 _Fucking temper._

"Yeah!" Piper answered, leaving her own flowers on the car seat as Alex took the other one in her hands. They walked towards the cemetery together, shoulders brushing, the only contact they could manage, which was honestly more than enough at the moment.

Then they had stopped and Piper stood behind Alex as the taller woman dropped to her knees, setting the flowers in front of her mother's grave.

Once again, Piper found herself at loss on what to feel. In all those times she'd been with Alex, she'd never had the chance to see Diane. She'd only seen her in photos and there had been numerous times in which she asked Alex to go see her but Alex would just flat out refuse, sometimes even leading them to have a fight.

So she just let it go, and ever since, she'd been waiting for Alex to finale be able to have the courage to go see her Mom again.

And now she had and Piper suddenly had this overwhelmingly affection for her, and pride that Alex was finally able to deal with this part of her life. She watched Alex graze her fingers over the tombstone before standing back up, looking behind her at Piper.

"I promised her the last time I was here that I'd come visit regularly from then on but I've been swamped with work lately that I only got the chance today," Alex started, looking at her mother's tombstone as she spoke. "I hope it's okay that I brought you."

"Oh, Al," Piper said, wanting to reach out to Alex, to hold her in any way she could, but she wasn't sure if they were at that point just yet so she just settled on clutching the front of her own shirt for now. "I'm just... I'm really happy for you. I mean..." Piper paused, because Alex was looking at her, and she was smiling, an extremely beautiful smile that tugged at the very depths of Piper's whole existence. And she just felt so god damned happy because she knew how much Alex loved her mom and how hard it was for her to let her go.

"Yeah," Alex continued. "It's just... it was difficult for me to accept that she's really gone, you know? I felt like if I came back here, it would just hurt me even more because seeing this," she pointed at the tombstone again, "it would make it feel more real. That she already left me."

"But then I realized that one of the reasons why I couldn't face any of it before was because I wasn't letting her help me. Back when it was just the two of us, and things would get so shitty, which happened a lot, her mere presence was enough to make me feel that we were gonna get through it. So, I came here and yeah, it still worked. I feel like, something so fucking heavy was taken off my shoulders and now I feel a lot better."

Alex finished and her smile was wider than Piper has ever seen it. There was still a glint of sadness in her eyes but Piper hoped, _knew_ , that eventually, it would go away.

"I'm sure she's really proud of you right now," Piper returned the smile before looking at the tombstone, too. "And I'm glad I finally met her. It's been way long overdue."

"I'm sorry," Alex said with a slight shake on her head. "It's about time I guess, for her to meet the person who's making me happy."

And there it was again, the fluttering in Piper's stomach, the warmth that spread all over her chest, the blushing of her cheeks and the racing of her heart. She gave Alex a timid smile before taking one step closer to Diane. "C-can I?"

"Yeah," Alex said as she stepped to the side, letting Piper stand in front of her mom's tombstone.

"Hi, Mrs. Vause."

"Okay, just so you know, if you called her that again, you're gonna get your ass kicked."

Piper chuckled, and it just felt good laughing with Alex, like this was what they were meant to have been doing the last couple of however long they'd forgotten to do this. "I'm sorry. Diane," she then corrected herself. "Hi. I've been wanting to meet you since day one and now I'm glad I have."

She looked at Alex again, as if asking for reassurance that she's doing just fine. Alex gave her a nod and it was all she needed to continue. But this time, she started speaking in whisper, making sure that Alex wouldn't hear her.

"You have an amazing daughter. And I know that you want someone to look after her, and do all the things you used to do for her. I'm sorry, that I hadn't been there to do that in so long. But I swear, I'm here to do that now. And I really hope you'll let me. I'd take care of her, for you. I promise. And I'll come visit you again soon."

She then stepped back as she looked at Alex who gave her a questioning glance of whether she was done. Piper just nodded and Alex smiled yet again.

"We should go, Mom," Alex said as she shifted herself closer to Piper. "I still have to feed someone. I'll come back again soon."

And as Alex and Piper turned around to walk towards Alex's car, Piper reached for Alex's hand as she intertwined their fingers together. Alex looked at her with a surprised look, but Piper just smiled at her as she gave her hand a soft squeeze.

Piper still wasn't sure what to do with what she felt for Alex. But she knew what it was and it was about damn time she stopped fighting it.

-o-o-o-

"I mean, what's the fucking point of having to talk under the rain?!" Nicky half-yelled as she stretched her arm pointing towards the screen in front of her. "There's a fucking shed just a few steps away from you, people. What, do you need to have pneumonia to show how much you love each other?!"

Piper and Nicky were hanging out at Piper's apartment, something of a weekly habit, just the two of them watching films, eating or whatever it was that they felt like doing. Tonight was movie night, but Piper wasn't really paying much attention as her mind kept drifting to a certain someone who was probably spending her night alone, something that bothered her immensely.

At Piper's silence, which usually was supposed to be a disagreement at Nicky's view of things, Nicky finally snapped her head towards the blonde who had been uncharacteristically quiet all night. "Chapman, are you all right?"

"What?" Piper seemed to have finally noticed that Nicky was actually there with her, and sat upright before looking at her companion. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You haven't said a word ever since this movie started, do you even know what's happening?" Piper opened her mouth to say something only to close it back again. "What's going on?"

"Do you remember when you told me you'd be with me through all of this until the very end of time?"

"Yes, I remember being a decent human being and telling you that," Nicky answered, still not sure where this conversation was supposed to be going.

"I will forever appreciate that. I really will. You know that, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Good," Piper nodded, still looking hesitant. "But I think you've done more than enough for me already." This time, Nicky had shifted her body as she finally started making sense of what Piper was saying. "I mean, I think I can take it from here now... on my own."

Nicky looked at Piper intensely, not saying anything for a while. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"And this has nothing to do with a certain tall, hot ex-girlfriend of yours?"

Piper sighed, having been caught at what she was thinking. Ever since she and Alex went to see Diane, ever since Piper made a promise to her mom that she would be there to look out for her, she just could no longer remove the nagging feeling of need to be _there_ for Alex.

Some people would probably find it insane, since technically she was the one who got _left_ , so she was supposed to be the one who needed taking care of. But surprisingly, that didn't matter to Piper anymore. All she could think about right now was what was happening in the _present_ and whatever the future was holding for her.

"I just... she's gone through all of this alone for months. I just want her to start feeling that now, she's not anymore." Nicky did not say anything and Piper misunderstood that as disappointment, so she added, "It's not like I'm _disregarding_ you because Alex is already here. It's not like that, I swear. I just thought that maybe, it would be better for both of us, from now on, to do this... together."

But Nicky shook her head as she smiled at Piper. "I understand. You don't have to explain yourself," she then paused. "You're a good person, Chapman. That, and the fact that you're still head over heels in love with her."

Piper shoved Nicky lightly but didn't feel the need to deny what she just said. "Thanks Nicky. I owe you my life." She then wrapped one arm around Nicky and pulled her close to her before kissing the top of her head.

"And you also owe me beer. Come on, get your ass up and get me some." But Piper just chuckled as she looked at Nicky, a huge grin on her face. "Okay, Piper, you can say it. But I'm allowing you only this once."

This time, Piper's smile even widened as she spoke. "I love you, Nicky."

Nicky shook her head, but with a smile also plastered on her face. "Yeah, yeah. I love you, too... I guess."

-o-o-o-

Alex was on her way to her weekly NA meeting, preparing herself for another yet emotionally exhausting hour of her life, when she saw Piper hesitantly standing in front of her house. But her surprise immediately turned into joy at seeing the blonde again, and as Piper saw her walk towards her, she grinned widely, only to have Piper answer her with the same smile.

"Piper? What are you doing here?"

"I, uhm... you're going to the NA meeting, right?"

"Yeah. You are, too, right? Where's Nicky?" Alex asked as she looked around to look for a certain short, bushy-haired woman, only to find no one else around.

"Uh, I asked her not to come. I was actually hoping to go with you?"

"What?"

"Would you like to go to the NA meeting with me?"

Alex smirked as she saw Piper's face fall slightly, probably because of how she had phrased her question. "Are you asking me out on a date? Coz NA meeting sounds _really_ romantic," Alex chuckled as Piper's face turned crimson red.

The blonde then shook her head as she looked at Alex expectantly. "So?"

Alex nodded, the smile still not leaving her face. "Sure, yeah. I'd like to go to the NA meeting with you." Piper had beamed brightly at this, and all of a sudden, Alex wasn't dreading the meeting anymore.

Unsurprisingly, the meeting went so much better for Alex. For months, she's always found attending the meetings quite hard. Sure, it helped her in a lot of ways, but she still couldn't help but feel a little miserable every time she came, because being in there always reminded her of the past, of what she's been through, and of what Piper's been through.

She knew it would take time to be able to totally feel at ease at going through each meeting but when Piper asked if she wanted them to go together, somehow she felt that she was finally going to reach that point more quickly.

And it was proven to be true. Because with Piper beside her the whole time, she was suddenly feeling lighter, and listening to the other's stories suddenly became easier. And as she looked at Piper beside her, looking so relaxed and at ease, Alex knew that her road to recovery just became a hell lot smoother.

The meeting felt like it went a lot more quickly for Alex and soon enough, she found herself standing beside her car with Piper, both of them ready to leave. "Hey, do you wanna hang out for a while?"

"Hang out?" Piper asked, copying Alex's signature move as she raised her eyebrow at her. "Or are you asking me out on a date, albeit a very casual one?"

Alex shrugged nonchalantly. "Sure, you can call it that."

Piper huffed, but not without a small smile on her lips. "Asshole."

Alex chuckled as she waited for Piper's answer to her invitation. "So? There's this place on my way to work. They serve the best cheeseburgers and skinny fries and onion rings."

"Do they have milkshakes?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay, I'm in."

"What, the burgers and skinny fries _and_ onion rings didn't do it for you?" Alex asked, her forehead burrowed in confusion.

"No," Piper answered as she shook her head. " _You did_." At this, Alex's face immediately lit up, a shit-eating grin replacing the previous look of confusion on her face. "Shut up and don't look so smug about it. Let's just go." Alex bit her lower lip as she forced herself not to laugh at Piper being so damn cute, before walking towards the driver's seat of her car. "Wait."

"What?" Alex asked, stopping on her tracks.

"Have you ever brought Ja-, anyone else there?"

"Anyone else meaning Janis?"

"Wha—no... I mean, anyone."

"Sure," Alex asked as she entered her car, waiting for Piper to come in. "And no, I've always gone there alone." Piper nodded and Alex found herself smiling as she started the engine, the day getting even better as it progressed.

A few minutes later, they found themselves sitting at the hood of Alex's car, enjoying their meal as they looked at the sight in front of them. They were at a quite high place, which gave them a beautiful view of the city ahead of them. All they could see were little lights and it looked magnificent, the sight even made more beautiful by the person sitting beside them.

Suddenly, Alex's phone buzzed and she quickly excused herself as she walked a few steps away from Piper, before answering the call of whoever was calling her. A few minutes later, she was back in front of Piper, putting her phone back inside the pocket of her jeans.

"That was Janis, she just called to say a few things about work."

Piper's temper immediately shot up, and she knew it was caused by that fucking jealousy again, but refused to really give it much thought. "Shouldn't _Janis_ not be calling you when it's _not_ working hours anymore?"

Alex instantly raised her eyebrow at Piper, realizing how many times Piper has mentioned Janis in the past couple of days. "Are you jealous of Janis?"

"I'm not jealous of Janis!" Piper yelled loudly, irritation immediately flashing across her face.

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I'm not yelling _at_ you. I'm just yelling _near_ you," her voice has softened by now, but it still had an edge to it, making it even more _enjoyable_ to listen to for Alex.

Alex nodded, a soft chuckle escaping her lips. "I see that this Piper temper is still here." She waited for Piper to say something back but the blonde just kept her mouth shut, only giving her a _sigh_ as an answer. "You don't have to be jealous of Janis, Pipes."

" _I am not—_ " Piper's voice was raised again but when she saw the smirk that immediately formed on Alex's lips, she stopped and breathed deeply, before speaking again, now with a much calmer tone, trying to sound as convincing as possible. "I am not jealous of Janis."

"Oh, okay," Alex agreed, biting the inside of her cheek to keep herself from laughing. Slowly, she walked towards Piper and settled herself between the blonde's legs. "Then you don't have to be _not_ jealous of Janis, Pipes." She then cupped the blonde's face with both her hands and looked directly into her eyes. "I've told you before and I'm telling you again now, there's no one else. There'll _never_ be anyone else."

Piper seemed to believe Alex at this as she gave her a shy smile before leaning into her touch. She shut her eyes briefly before taking a deep breath. Alex smiled back at her before Piper bowed, unable to stop herself from smiling widely as her heart beat faster.

When Alex let go of her face, Piper looked back up at her, deciding to change the topic. "Why did you change your car?"

"What?"

"Your car. You used to love your old car so much. One scratch and you'd have probably killed whoever did it. Why'd you change it?"

Alex seemed to contemplate of her answer as she walked backwards from Piper. She then went to sit beside Piper at the hood of her car, all the while being followed by Piper's gaze. "Maybe I just wanted change?" she answered, not really looking at the blonde who was still looking intently at her.

"Maybe." Alex could see Piper shake her head from the corner of her eyes. "But not your car. No. What happened?"

Alex looked briefly at Piper before looking straight ahead again. "Nothing, Piper."

"There's something you're not telling me. What is it, Alex?" Piper insisted, causing Alex to sigh.

"Pipes..." Alex looked back at Piper again, and this time, she held her stare.

"Alex."

Again, Alex let out a deep sigh, knowing Piper wasn't letting this go. "I got into an accident," she said softly, hoping that Piper hadn't heard her.

"What?!"

"It's nothing serious—"

But Piper cut her off, her tone laced with confusion and worry. "Alex, you're one of the safest drivers I know. Yes, sometimes crazy... but _safe_. What the hell happened?"

"Pipes, it was—" Once again, Alex tried to get out of this, not really wanting Piper to know what happened and make a big deal out of it. But Piper gave her that 'You're-not-getting-out-of-this-look' and she knew there was no way she was winning this one. "I was drunk—"

But Piper had not let her finish again, even shifting her body so she could look at Alex fully. "You were what?" Piper was outraged and Alex knew it. "What the fuck, Alex? Why would you drunk drive? You are fucking smarter than that!"

Alex knew Piper was mad now and she wanted to calm her down but she knew there was no other way but to tell her the truth. "It wasn't an easy time, Pipes. I wasn't... I wasn't thinking and I—" She shook her head as she ran her fingers through her hair. "It wasn't easy."

For a while, Piper just looked at her. But then she suddenly turned her head away from her, leaving Alex to look at the back of her head. "Piper... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you." But Piper stayed quiet, her back still facing Alex. "Hey."

Alex had stood up by now, walking towards Piper. She then went to the other side of the car so she could see Piper's face, but Piper only bowed, still refusing to look at Alex. "Pipes, the car was a wreck, yes... but nothing serious happened to me. I was fine."

Finally, she was able to hold Piper's face and guided it to look at her and she felt her chest hurt at the sight. Piper had tears in her eyes. "Hey..." Alex said, worry immediately settling on her stomach. Piper had looked down once again, and Alex felt her chest tighten. "Fuck. Babe, please look at me."

But instead of looking at her, Piper's shoulders started shaking as she buried her head against Alex's chest. She was _crying_ , sobs wracking her whole body, and she suddenly held on to the collar of Alex's shirt, seemingly needing something to hold onto so she could stop her body from _shaking_.

Alex found herself speechless, the sudden turn of events surprising her immensely as pain shot through her at the sight of Piper. She then wrapped her arms around her, not knowing what to really _say_ , her mind going blank as all she could grasp at the moment was that she had made Piper cry _again_.

"I was so mad at you..." Piper started speaking, her voice muffled as her face was still pressed against Alex. "I was so _fucking_ mad that I hadn't even realized that you were going through the same thing, too. And you were _alone_. You were going through all of it alone and I spent all those times _hating_ you." Alex tightened her embrace, every word coming out from Piper's mouth feeling like a knife piercing through her skin. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so fucking sorry for all of it."

"Piper..." Alex finally said, her voice cracking as she felt her own eyes burn. "None of it was your fault. It wasn't your fault."

Alex knew she was probably already hurting Piper but she hugged her even tighter, her lips pressing onto the top of Piper's head. For a while, Piper didn't move, except for her body which was still being shaken by her sobs.

But then suddenly, she lifted her head slightly as Alex felt her lips press softly against her jaw. Alex's whole body went rigid, not expecting the action from Piper. But the blonde kept going, her lips suddenly travelling lightly towards Alex's cheek, the soft brush of it sending shivers down Alex's spine.

Piper again stopped moving, her lips now pressing a little harder, but still gently, onto Alex's cheek and it was then that Alex decided to move, too, her face leaning sideways slightly so she could meet Piper's face as well. And as she did so, her lips found Piper's and their mouths pressed against each other, for a while none of them daring to move.

But then Piper moved, not to pull herself away from Alex, but to properly place her lips against the raven-haired, and soon enough, it wasn't just lips brushing lightly against each other anymore. Alex found herself opening her mouth as Piper bit on her lower lip, Piper immediately matching the intensity of the kiss.

Moans came out, and Alex wasn't sure if it came from her own mouth or from Piper's, as their tongues met, not battling for dominance but just wanting to feel each other in a way they've never had in a _really long time_. Piper clutched even more tightly at Alex's shirt, as Alex's hands travelled upwards to grasp Piper's hair, putting it in place afraid that she would pull away.

But instead of pulling away, Piper only deepened the kiss, desperation mixing with passion, fiery heat meeting wanton pleasure, want turning into a need. "Alex," she whispered between heavy breaths, still not pulling her lips away from Alex's.

"Yeah," Alex answered, her breathing labored as she tried to feel _more_ of Piper.

"Take me home," Piper's voice was filled with something Alex hasn't heard in as long as she could remember, and ignited the fire inside her that hasn't been awoken ever since she lost Piper. The blonde took Alex's mouth into hers again, every kiss getting even deeper as heat spread all throughout Alex's whole being. "Please take me home."

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **vausemanoitnb,** Thank you so much. Here's the new update, and I hope you love it! =)

 **izzielg,** Yes, a matter of time indeed. And I'm really sorry I couldn't update sooner. Hopefully this chapter makes up for that. =)

 **WB79,** Yes, I'm glad you thought those things about Cal, Danny, and Nicky! That was such a wonderful review and I don't think I've thanked you enough. =)

 **BL-is-love,** Thank you, I'm really happy to know your thoughts about the previous chapter. Your review totally put a smile on my face. =)

 **valevauseman,** You're back! Haha thank you, glad to know that you've still stuck with this story. It really means a lot. I'm sorry it took quite a while for happy Vauseman to show up but here they are! =)

 **amciotola1,** I totally agree! Baby steps indeed. Slowly but surely, yeah? Thank you for the review it was great! =)

 **RJVause,** Yes, hope still exists for our Vauseman right here. And it's really amazing to know that you've enjoyed every word on the previous chapter. Hopefully it turns out to be the same for this one. Thank you! =)

 **Budda1127,** Wow thank you for that review, it was beautiful. I'm happy to know that you agree with how I took things with this Vauseman. =))

 **Guest (really loved the previous chapter),** And jealous Piper is also so much fun to write! I'm glad you agree. Thank you for such a cute review. =)

 **Guest (great update!),** Here's the update and now you know how things turned out for them! =) And don't worry about Janis, she's really nothing to worry about. Just someone I needed for Piper to show her jealous side but she's not gonna cause trouble. =)

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Thank you so much! I'm glad to know the bits you loved about the previous chapter. Hopefully, you'd like this chapter as well. =)

 **RANVEER,** I'm really glad to know that you loved every bit of my previous update. So thank you so much, and here's more. Hope you like it just as much. =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** I think so, too! Haha. And I think you've been waiting for a cute chapter long enough so hopefully it was worth the wait. Thank you, that was a really wonderful review. =)

 **Kojojo,** I hope your heart doesn't explode! Haha. Thank you and I totally agree, no one can resist a sick Alex. =)

 **klaudiasurg,** Thank you, and don't worry I really have no intentions of putting another person between them. Stella has annoyed me enough and I am not going to do the same thing here. Haha! =)

 **VonZeppy,** I'm glad you think so! This is an even longer chapter so hopefully you like it just as much. =)

 **Cyri,** Haha, that is really sweet of you to say! I'm sorry that I still haven't been able to post twice a week. I'd really like to, especially after all the wonderful reviews I've been getting but time wouldn't just allow me to do so. But thank you for that review! =)

 **FFChik,** Wow, I'm glad you think so. I've always been hesitant to post an even longer chapter than what I'm used to but you guys seem to like it. =) Thank you for another awesome review.

 **Sue,** Thank you! But I'm surprised that you can't stand Nicky. I'm sorry if I've made her annoying to you. Haha. =)

 **elliellie1,** And things are finally on their way to the beautiful Vauseman being endgame. Haha! Alex and Piper still have things to talk about and it'll happen in the future chapters. Thank you for such kind words. =)

 **ejm137,** Yes, Nicky always to the rescue. =) And I'm glad you like that they're taking things slowly but I think they've been slow enough already hence the chapter. Hope you like it! =)

 **Guest (thinking of putting a nick name),** Any review will always be worth it to me. And I'd really love to put a name on such a wonderful person. Thank you so much for that review, it was awesome. And I hope you have a great weekend as well! =)

 **Guest (amazing),** Thank you so much! You're the amazing one. =)

 **Guest (awwwww),** Thank you! I'm really glad that you love my version of Vauseman, You are lovely! =)

 **Guest (this is going so well),** Yes, once again, the light at the end of the tunnel is finally showing. Thank you for such wonderful review! =)

 **Lily,** Thank you and I'm sorry if the updates are not coming sooner than you'd probably like. =))

 **Vausemaniac,** Yes! I think they've been waiting for happy Vauseman in this story for so long. Again, you're always welcome for the shout out. And worry not, I am not planning to put someone in the middle of them as I truly hated it when it happened in season 3. Thank you as well for another great review! =)

 **oitnbaddict,** Hey new username! Haha. I'm glad to have fulfilled one of wishes even though I really did not elaborate much on it. And I totally agree about jealous Piper, I love writing her, too. Thanks again for such wonderful review. You are the cute one, my friend! =)

 **huggerguest,** Thank you so much! It was kind of difficult for me to write light Vauseman and I'm glad that you seem to have liked it. And don't worry, Janis is nothing to be worried about. =)

 **jomichael03,** Hey there, good friend! Thank you for still leaving reviews even though we're already talking through PMs. You are such a wonderful person and I'm glad I met you through this site. =)

 **schillingarmy,** Jealous Piper is always fun to write, yes. And hopefully, this chapter satisfied you seeing as you've been wanting them to get back together already. Haha. =)

 **Guest (bear hug),** Thank you for that bear hug and stroke of hair I want to stay in your arms forever. Haha! Returning the hug with extra kisses! Xoxo =))

 **LizzLaylor,** I'm guessing you're the same guest who expressed your annoyance towards my italics? Haha. I'm sorry, I just really needed to put emphasis on some words and I'm sorry if they annoyed you. But thank you, though, for the other review! Putting my story in your top five means a lot knowing that a lot of fics are so good in this site. That's really nice of you to say. =))

 **Sheri,** Yesss indeed! =)

 **Guest (Nice chapter),** Thank you! I just thought it would be quite unrealistic for them to jump into things immediately after what they've gone through and I'm glad that you seem to agree with me. =)


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

I know, I suck. I'm really sorry that this update took so long and just a warning, this might be happening again for the next chapters. =( This chapter is also much shorter than the last two chapters and again, I apologize but I just really wanted to post something now coz I think I've made you wait too long already.

Also, there are no Vauseman and Nichorello interaction here, despite the last part. But I promise to include that in the next chapter (as a flashback) so you could at least have a "look" at how their day out had gone.

I'll try my best to update as quickly as I can but for now enjoy a smutty (ish) and fluff-filled (I tried) chapter. Hope you enjoy =)

 **23**

" _Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I've got to find,_

 _Only you can set my heart on fire..."_

-o-o-o-

Alex's drive on the way home felt like the longest car ride she's ever had to endure. All she could think about was the feel of Piper's lips against hers, the desperate touches she's longed for so long and the primal sounds that came out of Piper's mouth that made Alex ache for her even more. It also didn't help that Piper hasn't let go of her hand almost all the time, all the while bringing it to her lips peppering it with light kisses.

Alex really tried to control herself. Ever since her lips touched Piper's, all she wanted to do was rip her clothes off and show her how much she loved her the best way she could. But then Piper told her to take her home, her tone laced with arousal that pierced through every inch of Alex's skin, and the fraction of control she had left over her actions were thrown out the window right that instance.

She drove fast but also made sure that she wasn't putting both of them in danger. But at one point, Piper proved to be a little daredevil as her tongue ever so slightly darted out of her mouth and grazed the tip of Alex's forefinger. As Alex inhaled sharply at the sensation that ran from the skin touched by the blonde's mouth travelling directly down her core, she abruptly pulled over and climbed over Piper's, setting herself at the blonde's lap.

"What are you doing?" Piper asked breathlessly just as Alex started to hold her head in place, her mouth merely inches from hers.

"If you keep doing that, we're not gonna be able to make it home." Without waiting for Piper to answer, Alex connected their lips, kissing Piper intensely, making sure the blonde felt exactly what she was feeling at the moment, which was pure unadulterated desire.

A moan escaped Piper's lips and soon enough she was clutching at Alex's shirt as if her life depended on it. That seemed to have spurred Alex even more as she suddenly bit Piper's lower lip, pulling it gently, before caressing it with her own tongue.

"You're going to be the death of me," whispered Alex as she rested her forehead against Piper's, finally pulling her lips away from hers.

"Ahh but wouldn't that be the sweetest death just in case?" Piper asked, reaching for Alex's face as she kissed her once again.

For a while, Alex let her, allowing Piper to take dominance before she finally pulled away for good, going back to the driver's seat. She then looked at Piper who still looked flustered, "You have to behave now."

Piper nodded sheepishly before reaching out for Alex's hand once again, finally letting Alex drive in peace.

They reached Alex's place with no more interruptions and as soon as Alex opened the door, she pulled Piper inside hurriedly, before lightly pushing her against the closest wall she could find. As soon as she did, she had locked Piper in place putting both hands just at each side of the blonde's head. She could see Piper's eyes darken with arousal and she was sure her own wasn't any different.

"I've missed you so fucking much," Alex whispered, her voice lower and raspier than normal, laced with so much need. And almost as soon as she's spoken, her lips were suddenly on Piper's, their bodies flushed together, seeking for more contact.

Piper's hands immediately pulled Alex closer to her by entangling them on the taller woman's hair. Her grip became tighter as soon as Alex bit her bottom lip, and settled her leg in between hers. Piper kissed her back with just as much passion, her eyes almost rolling to the back of her head from the intensity of her arousal.

Soon enough, they were leaving a trail of their discarded clothes on the floor as they made their way to Alex's bedroom. "Are you in a hurry or something?" Alex asked jokingly, as Piper hurriedly removed her last piece of clothing.

"Shut up," Piper answered back, kissing Alex hard again earning her a chuckle from the taller woman. She could feel Alex's hands all over her causing her legs turn into jelly, and it took all her will power not to let her legs give up on her until they've reached the bed.

And finally, Alex was laying Piper on the bed gently, looking at her with so much fire and passion in her eyes. The mood had totally shifted as none of them seemed to be in any hurry anymore. Alex waited long enough for this. She's waited long enough to feel Piper again, to touch her not only physically but also emotionally. This was it, and she was gonna spend every second of it showing Piper just how much they've missed and making sure they'd never miss it ever again.

True enough, Alex began worshipping Piper's body with her mouth and hands. For a while, Piper just laid under her, her eyes shut, mouth slightly parted and her breathing heavy, feeling all of Alex in every part of her being. But when Alex's mouth had reached Piper's taut stomach, the blonde had started squirming, not being able to keep the fire building inside her in control any longer.

 _"Alex..."_ she whispered, and she sounded desperate, almost _pleading_. She was clutching at Alex's head gripping her hair hard, almost pushing her just where she needed her the most.

But instead of going further down, Alex made her way towards Piper's mouth again, kissing her with so much passion and love, before leaving another trail of small kisses towards Piper's earlobe. "Yes, babe..." she whispered, her voice hoarse and hot in Piper's ear.

"Please..." was the only word that Piper could come up with as Alex's hand slid downward, her fingers lightly brushing everywhere but the spot where she needed her the most. "Please, I've waited long enough..." she managed to add, arching her body to Alex's touch.

And Alex understood... just how hard the waiting was because she felt it, too. So not wanting to make Piper wait another second, she whispered again, "Your wish is my command, Princess..." just before she bit lightly on her earlobe causing Piper to moan deliciously.

Fucking finally, Alex slipped her index finger inside Piper, and she couldn't stop the moan that escaped her lips just at how dripping wet Piper was for her. Her moans mixed with Piper's as the blonde held on to her tightly, before connecting their lips together once again.

Taking this as an encouragement, Alex added another finger and she slipped it so easily she wasn't sure if Piper even felt it. But taking Piper's louder moans as a sign, maybe she really did after all.

Alex began thrusting her fingers in and out, creating a slow pace making Piper go crazier than she already felt. As Alex took Piper higher and higher in ecstasy, she took one of the blonde's nipples in her mouth, her tongue creating a slow swirl against it until it was hard as a rock.

 _"Alex... fuck..."_ Piper whispered, seemingly running out of any other words other than _those_. "Harder, babe _. Fuck. Harder!"_ Her last word almost came only as a gasp as Alex complied with her pleadings just as soon as the words left her mouth.

Alex's thrusts were soon faster and harder, taking Piper closer to the edge. Piper's moans, on the other hand, got louder as she got lost in the sensation of Alex's mouth on her and fingers inside her. She searched for _anything_ she could hold on to and her fingers on one hand scratched at Alex's back while the other one held on the headboard just above her head.

They started to move in perfect sync, like they were dancing to music only they could hear and understand. Moving together, they've projected every pent up emotions they hadn't allowed to resurface for any other person but each other. Their love, as fucked up as it used to be, now felt more right than it had ever been. It felt beautiful and it may not have been perfect but they knew they were on the way to making it _almost_ that, and with these thoughts in mind, Alex brought Piper to the edge, pure bliss engulfing every inch of them.

Alex dropped soft and gentle kisses all over Piper's face as she helped her down from her orgasm. Piper laid there with her breathing ragged but soon, Alex could feel her smiling against her kisses. "That was..." the blonde whispered, letting her words hang in the air.

"I know," Alex agreed, bringing her lips to Piper's forehead, kissing her gently as she wiped the sweat trickling down her face. "But I'm not yet done," Alex then added, and before Piper could say anything else, Alex was inside her again and Piper _knew_ , that tonight, she was in one hell of a ride.

-o-o-o-

Right when Alex woke up, she immediately knew that there was something different. She felt it, and it may not have been screaming at her but there were the slightest whispers inside her head making her feel just how unusual that exact moment was for her. She didn't open her eyes instantly, letting her mind get accustomed to the fact that it had awoken from a deep and seemingly peaceful slumber.

Usually, when Alex woke up, everything felt cold... the air surrounding her, her bed, and even her own self. But today, the cold hasn't made it presence known yet and it was a surprise for Alex who had already gotten used to it greeting her every morning since more than eight months ago.

Then it hit her. Why everything felt different, why it wasn't cold... why today felt a whole lot fucking _better_. It was because of the woman next to her, whose body was tucked to her side and arm splayed over her bare stomach. It was because of the person she had an arm protectively wrapped around, her breath tickling the side of her neck.

It was _Piper_.

She was the reason this day was _different_. _Good_ different.

Finally, Alex opened her eyes to watch Piper sleep, recalling the night before. It immediately brought a smile upon her face, remembering just how many times they showed how much they missed each other. The feeling of soreness in Alex's body explained just how long they hadn't done it when they were supposed to, but she didn't regret it because those things they did last night, it wasn't just about the _sex_. It was about showing each other what exactly they felt, a feat they had yet to accomplish using words.

It was heart achingly beautiful and if it was Alex's choice, they would be doing it all over again right now but seeing Piper sleep peacefully, her mouth slightly open making her look like an adorable little child, won over Alex's desire. So she carefully turned to her side, making sure Piper's arms stayed where it was, as she studied the face of the woman she still loved so deeply and everything she missed about her.

Alex knew that last night, she and Piper took one huge step towards whatever they were trying to go forward to. And it was also most definitely one huge step away from the past that's haunted them for so long, that's made them so _miserable_. But there was still one thing she was waiting for from Piper, something she needed to _hear_ just so she could finally, and truly, move on for good.

She needed Piper to say the words "I forgive you," and she needed her to really mean it. Maybe Piper has really forgiven her, otherwise last night would have probably not happened. But Alex needed to hear it from Piper's own lips and that has yet to happen. This was probably what was keeping Alex from fully enjoying this, from finally believing that she and Piper may start again with clean slate and today, she was going to make sure she'd finally get that.

As if sensing that someone was watching her, Piper started to stir and Alex found herself holding her breath waiting for how Piper was gonna react to _this_. Just like Alex, Piper took her time to open her eyes, but Alex knew that she was already up. Alex waited as she kept her gaze on Piper's face, and she felt her heart jump as a smile slowly formed on Piper's lips.

"Have you just been watching me sleep?" the blonde suddenly said, her eyes still closed and voice laced with sleep.

Alex then let go of the breath she'd been holding as a soft chuckle escaped her lips. _This was always going to be the best sight to wake up to_ , she thought. "Yes. I'm sorry. Was that creepy?"

Piper then opened her eyes, her beautiful smile still etched on her face. "Just a little." She met Alex's gaze for a while before speaking again, "Hi, good morning." Taking Alex by surprise, and a beautiful one at that, Piper closed the distance between their faces and pressed a gentle but long kiss on her lips.

Alex smiled into the kiss, all her worries about the things that had yet to be settled between her and Piper disappearing into thin air as all she could just think about was how great Piper being back in her arms felt. When they pulled away, she wrapped her arm more tightly around Piper's waist, leaving almost no space between their bodies.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"I haven't slept that well in a _really_ long time. Thank you," Piper whispered as she locked her eyes with Alex's, her fingers playing with Alex's hair.

"For what?"

"For coming back."

As soon as those words left Piper's mouth, Alex absentmindedly loosened her grip on Piper, her guilt for leaving suddenly resurfacing. She wouldn't have had to come back if she had not left in the first place. Yes, she felt it was the right thing to do but she still couldn't help but feel horrible that it was the only option left just so she could _save_ Piper.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Piper asked, the change in Alex's demeanour not going unnoticed.

Alex then pressed her forehead against Piper's as she closed her eyes, emotions suddenly rushing through her. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" It was Piper's turn to ask the question. "Hey, look at me," she said, her voice so gentle it made Alex's heart constrict. She cupped Alex's face and pulled away just far enough so she could look at her.

"For everything. For hurting you."

Almost immediately, Piper shook her head as she kept running her fingers through Alex's hair. "Al, I get it now... why things had to happen the way they did. Why you had to do _that_. I'm sorry I didn't understand it at first, but I do now. And yes, I was hurt but so were you. Those things had to happen so we could be right where we are right now. The important thing is that we've managed to become the better version of ourselves and now you're here again. We got each other again, right?"

Piper was looking at her with so much love and understanding and Alex had to fight back the tears that threatened to slip from her eyes. Once again, she wondered what she had ever done to deserve someone like Piper but was thankful that whoever was responsible for this, if there was one, thought that maybe she did.

She again tightened her grip on Piper as she looked directly into her eyes. "So you forgive me?"

And right then, Piper smiled the most beautiful smile Alex had ever seen as she pressed her forehead back against Alex's. "Yes, I forgive you. I think I've forgiven you the moment I understood everything." She then pressed their lips together and it was an even longer kiss than the previous one, and so when it ended, they both found themselves grasping for air.

"Thank you," Alex whispered as she pulled Piper into an embrace, the blonde burying her face on her neck.

"Promise me you won't think about that again? We leave everything of those behind us now, except of course everything we've learned, and we start with a clean slate. Yes?" Piper looked back at her, waiting for her to agree.

"Yes, I think I like that." Alex then kissed Piper's forehead, every doubt she had when she woke up totally gone, replaced with pure bliss that she and Piper may have just gotten their second chance at making this work. "I love you so much," she finally said, her heart bursting with so much love for the woman beside her.

"You don't know how long I missed hearing you say that." And just like that, Piper removed herself from Alex's hold, only to settle herself on top of her, locking her body in place with her knees. She let the sheets slip from her naked body as she gripped Alex's face to press an intense kiss on her lips, her center suddenly dripping with arousal.

"Okay, what's a girl gotta do to hear that back, huh?" Alex asked, chuckling a little as Piper's actions became just a little bit more frantic. She could feel a pool of wetness being pressed against her stomach which had resulted in her own arousal, so she held Piper's s head in place, kissing her back with the same intensity the blonde was giving her.

"I love you, too," Piper whispered as she started a trail of kisses from Alex's lips down to her neck. "I love you," she muttered once again, this time nipping the side of Alex's neck only to soothe it with her own tongue. " _I love you so much_ ," she said one last time as her lips went back to Alex's mouth, this time moving her body against Alex's so she could now feel the friction created between her wet heat and Alex's stomach.

 _"Fuck,"_ Alex whispered, feeling all kinds of sensation settling in her stomach. As soon as Alex opened her mouth, Piper took that opportunity to slip her tongue inside causing Alex's eyes to flutter. "Pipes... wait..." Alex suddenly said, needing to pull Piper's head away from her for a second.

"What's wrong?" Piper asked, confusion evident on her face, her breathing a little ragged.

"I still have a question."

Piper groaned, bringing her lips back to Alex's so she could shut her up. "And you can't ask this later because?" she asked in between kisses, her hands suddenly finding Alex's chest. She tweaked one of the raven-haired's nipple causing Alex to arch her body into her touch.

"Jesus Christ, Pipes," Alex reacted, before pulling herself together once again. She held Piper's hands in place and looked directly into her eyes. Piper immediately glared at her, obviously not enjoying the interruption. "I just really need to hear it from you now."

"Hear what?"

"Will you be my girlfriend again?"

Piper immediately blushed before her grin turned into a soft chuckle. She then shook her head as she brought her head down so she could press a gentle kiss on Alex's lips. "You don't have to ask."

-o-o-o-

It was way past lunch time when Piper and Alex woke up, unsurprisingly almost at the same time, the blonde only following a few minutes after Alex opened her eyes. Alex was holding Piper like she had no plans of ever letting go when they both heard the door open. Piper looked at her, questions filling her eyes, but she just shrugged knowing full well who just entered, without any permission, her house.

Piper's naked body was barely covered in sheets so Alex had to bring them almost up to her neck, aware that any minute now, the door to her bedroom would be widely open.

"You want to cover my head, too?" asked Piper, laughing at Alex's sudden apprehension.

"I just don't want Nicky to see you naked," Alex answered pressing a gentle kiss on Piper's nose.

"What, it's nothing she had never seen before," Piper then muttered back, much to Alex's surprise. She was gonna say something back when her door suddenly opened, revealing a surprised Nicky just outside.

"Whoah, this is a nice surprise," the bushy-haired woman exclaimed, her lips tugged into a shit-eating grin.

"She's seen you naked?" Alex said, obviously appalled at Piper's admission, ignoring Nicky who suddenly looked weary at what she had just said. Alex then loosened her grip on Piper, looking at her with a look of offense on her face.

"What the fuck, Piper?" Nicky half-yelled. "You told her?!"

"You've seen her naked?!" Alex looked furious now, and she would have stood up and kicked Nicky's ass, if only she was wearing _anything_ at all. "Get out," she said directly at Nicky, who looked a little panicked.

"It's not what you think, Al," Piper finally said, realizing what she had just said might have sounded to Alex.

"I said, get out!" Alex ignored Piper, still shooting daggers at Nicky.

"I swear, Vause. There's an explanation to that," Nicky said before getting out of Alex's sight, knowing just how much danger she was in. "Ugh, Chapman, that fucking mouth of yours I swear to God," they both could hear her mutter causing Piper to chuckle softly.

When Nicky was already nowhere to be seen, Alex already sat up and moved farther from Piper. "You find that funny?"

"Babe, it's not what you're thinking, I swear," Piper once again swore, bringing herself closer to Alex but Alex only stood up, leaving Piper to watch her stand there in all her naked glory. Piper found herself smirking as her arousal resurfaced once again.

"What are you smiling at? Fuck, Piper. You just told me that Nicky has seen you naked, my best fucking friend... who let me tell you I wanna strangle to death right now!" Alex half-yelled, frustration evident on her tone and face. "And don't tell me it's not what I think because I can't think of any other way that could have happened except for _that_ ," she added, but Piper just sat there, still wearing that infuriatingly beautiful smile that was making it harder for Alex to stay _mad_. " _Stop doing that!"_

"Doing what?" Piper asked nonchalantly.

" _That!_ Looking all cute when I'm trying to be mad."

But this only made Piper's smile widen. "I'm not trying to be cute. And are you getting jealous?"

"Ugh, I cannot fucking believe you!" Alex raised her hands upwards in surrender before finally walking away towards her bathroom. Piper immediately stood up and almost ran after her. Soon enough, they were both standing in front of her bathroom mirror without any clothes on.

"Hey... nothing happened between Nicky and I," Piper said softly behind Alex but the taller woman wasn't looking at her. Thoughts of Piper and Nicky naked together were plaguing her mind and she could feel an unpleasant sensation settling in her stomach, like she wanted to throw up.

Alex then felt Piper press herself against her back, as her arms snaked around her waist. She knew she should stay mad, but the feeling of Piper's breasts against her back was slowly melting her resolve. The blonde soon kissed her shoulder gently, as her hands slowly travelled upwards before stopping just at her ribcage.

"It was one of those difficult days, Al, where I just didn't want to move at all and she was getting tired of my shit... so she forcefully took off all my clothes, so I could shower. It was harmless. I don't even think she really _looked_ at me."

At the realization of what Piper had gone through at some point during the past, Alex immediately felt her heart ache. But she tried to push back that thought and think that that time was _over_ and Piper was all better now. Clean slate, she reminded herself.

"It's Nicky, Pipes. Believe me, she _looked_."

Piper chuckled because she knew Alex was speaking the truth, and also knowing that she was no longer mad. Pressing another kiss this time at the side of her neck, her hands finally got hold of Alex's luscious breasts and Alex's eyes fluttered shut, leaning her head against Piper's.

"Are you still mad at me?" Piper whispered before tracing her tongue on Alex's earlobe all the while making slight circles around her girlfriend's nipples with her index fingers, but never really _touching_ them.

Enjoying the feeling of Piper's mouth and fingers on her, Alex just shook her head.

"How about jealous? Are you still jealous?" Piper's voice was so soft now, in that tone she knew always made Alex go crazy.

Alex thought and she wanted to make herself believe that she wasn't jealous. But someone else saw Piper naked, someone else was there for her when she needed her the most. So as much as she didn't want to acknowledge the jealousy, it was _there_ and she didn't want to hide it from Piper.

"Maybe just a little bit," she answered, gripping the sink in front of her just a little bit tighter as Piper finally decided to put her out of her misery when she guided her head to face her as she attacked her mouth with her own.

Almost as soon as their lips touched, Piper pulled away before looking Alex straight in the eyes. "Good, because you jealous just made me kinda hot."

-o-o-o-

"Does Nicky really think you're still mad at her?"

Alex was driving Piper to work and she had just received a message from Nicky asking her to convince Alex to just _forgive_ her, and how it was unfair that she's been forgiven (perks of being the one who got to make Alex _cum_ , according to Nicky) while she was still getting treated like she didn't exist.

Alex chuckled at this as she nodded. "Yeah, it's funny actually. She's been kissing my ass for the past three days."

Piper shook her head but still laughed with Alex anyway. "You're terrible. I'm sure she feels really bad now. She's been texting me non-stop. You have to tell her you're not really mad at her."

"Are you kidding me? I've been getting free breakfast for the last three days, I'm not gonna put a stop to that just yet."

"Yeah, well that's supposed to be my job."

"Ah, don't worry about it. You're feeding me something else entirely anyway, so you're good." Alex pulled over as they reached Red's Diner before facing Piper who had suddenly blushed so hard.

"Yeah? Well that's not always healthy, isn't it?"

"Eh, who cares about healthy when I'm cumming everyday like I do because of you?" Alex shrugged making Piper chuckle. She then closed the gap between them and kissed her softly on the lips. "Can you take the day off tomorrow?"

"I think ever since I've been promoted," she had to use air quotes as she used the word promoted, "I can pretty much take any day off I want. Why?"

"Good, because we're going somewhere."

"Where?"

"Nothing fancy... just _somewhere._ Now go, before I decide to eat you for breakfast again," Alex said, lightly shoving Piper towards the car door.

"Wh- here? In the car?"

"Has that ever stopped me before?"

"Point taken. Okay, I'm going," Piper said as she opened the door. She then looked back at Alex, kissing her on the mouth. "I love you. Take care, okay? And not too much Janis."

Alex chuckled as she pulled Piper back to her when the blonde started pulling away from their kiss. "You're cute when you're jealous. Bye, I love you, too."

-o-o-o-

"You don't know how excited I am right now," exclaimed Piper as she fidgeted in her seat. She and Alex were on their way to wherever Alex was planning to take her and she felt so excited that she couldn't stay still.

"As a matter of fact, I do. It's pretty clear right now, Pipes," answered Alex as she chuckled slightly.

"Shut up, it's just that I haven't gone out in a really long time... and I mean _long fucking time_. And now I'm going to spend the day with you, I just can't wait," she then explained with a huge smile on her face. Her body was twisted to her side so she could face Alex, and she revelled at just watching her girlfriend drive, knowing that if this was the only thing she could do all day, she'd totally be okay with it.

Unbeknownst to Piper, if only she wasn't driving, Alex would probably just watch her, too, as her heart beat rapidly at how beautiful Piper looked with that smile adorning her face. "I can't wait, too, babe. But don't get so excited, it's nothing you've never been to."

"I don't care. The important thing is it's gonna be with you so it can be anywhere else and I won't have any complaints."

Alex smiled at this, looking briefly at Piper before her eyes went back to the road. "And yeah, that, too. We won't be alone."

"We won't?"

"Yep. I don't think you'd mind, though."

Soon enough, Alex was pulling over and when Piper realized where they were, she even got more excited. They were going to be at _their lake_ , somewhere she hadn't dared go to ever since Alex left. This was _their place_ , this was a place that had witnessed so many things in their lives. And now they were back here after another step towards their future and Piper couldn't help but feel a little emotional about it.

"Let's go?" Alex said as she reached for Piper's hand.

Together they started walking but then Piper immediately stopped and looked at Alex with a confused look. "Wait, we don't have anything with us. Aren't we gonna stay long?"

"Everything's been taken care of, babe. I told you, we won't be alone."

True to her words, they reached the lake with two tents already set up. Looking around, Piper saw Nicky and Lorna grilling what seemed to be barbecues, beers on their hands all the while giving each other small kisses and short hugs.

"Nicky! Lorna!" screamed Piper as she ran towards them. The other two looked back at her and greeted her with the same excitement and Alex just looked at them, happiness engulfing her at the sight of all the people she loved.

After everything that has happened to her ever since she was only a kid, she never thought there'd ever come a time where she'd reach this point in her life. She felt contentment, like this was enough for her, like she didn't need anything else.

It had been tough reaching this point, but now she was here and she was going to make sure she never let go of this again.

"What the fuck are you doing just standing there, Vause?! Come over here and fucking help us!" shouted Nicky and it was all that Alex needed to approach them, a great day looking ahead of her.

-o-o-o-

It was night time and the two couples decided to spend some time with their significant others alone. Nicky and Lorna stayed by the lake cuddled up together while Alex and Piper sat near the bonfire, Piper leaning against Alex's front, the taller woman's arms wrapped around Piper.

"This is nice," the blonde muttered, as she rested her head against Alex's shoulder.

"Yeah," Alex agreed before pressing a kiss at the side of her girlfriend's head.

"Do you remember the first time we were here? That was a good day, _great_ actually. Probably partly because we didn't know how much shit we were gonna go through back then," Piper then said, but without any bitterness in her tone. She's accepted that part of her life, and as much pain as it had caused her, it had gotten her to where she was now and she was at least thankful for that. "And now we're here again, and we've experienced all of that and this just feels kind of liberating, you know?"

"Yeah," Alex briefly agreed, as her fingers absentmindedly played with Piper's hair. Piper was right, and she was happy about it. But there was one question that was nagging her and she wanted to know how Piper felt about it, if she was feeling the same thing she was. "Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" asked Piper, shifting her body slightly so she could look at Alex.

"Do you ever... get that _itch?_ Do you ever feel like you want to _use_ again?"

Piper took her time before she answered, wondering how the truth would affect Alex. But then she figured if they really wanted a clean slate, being truthful all the time needed to be a part of that.

"Honestly? Yes, it happens a lot. I think it's always gonna be with me now, that feeling of wanting to _use_. But the difference is... now I know what it's gonna do to me, I know how much more I'm going to lose if I go back to that again. So that makes it a lot easier not to cave. Plus, I got another drug now that can take me just as high only it's so much better."

"Yeah?" Alex asked, surprised. "And what would that be?"

"You." This time, Piper didn't take any time to answer, the word coming out of her mouth effortlessly, just like how she loved Alex, it was effortless.

Alex immediately chuckled, but her grip on Piper got tighter. "Fucking sap."

"You like it."

"That I do."

Piper then leaned towards Alex so they could connect their lips together and for a few seconds, they revelled in the feel of each other's lips against each other's.

"You two, get a fucking room!" yelled Nicky from afar causing Alex and Piper to pull away from each other. Alex then gave Nicky the finger before going back to just hugging Piper from behind.

"So, I'm addictive, huh?"

Piper chuckled as she shook her head. "You are, baby. You're intoxicating and you make me so high and I just can't get enough of you." Piper leaned in again for another kiss and this time they ignored Nicky and Lorna's teases at the other side.

"Aha, keep going," Alex then encouraged.

"You're also so hot but kind of a smug asshole so I think it negates that."

"Hey."

"I'm kidding. You're just hot. Period."

"Yeah, you're really lucky for having me in your life, you know."

"I take it back. You're a smug asshole. Period."

It was a light and easy banter and Alex found herself wishing this could go on forever. She immediately thought back to her musings earlier, when she thought she didn't need anything else. She realized she was wrong because there was one thing she needed. And that was for Piper to stay in her life forever, and she was intent on doing everything she could to make that happen.

"I love you so much, you know that?"

"I do," Piper answered. "And I love you, too... more than I can ever put into words." They pressed their foreheads together, feeling so much more connected than they'd ever been before. "Al?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something I wanna do."

"What's it, babe?"

"I think I wanna go see my Mom. Will you come with me?"

Alex smiled at Piper, feeling proud of her for this step she was suddenly ready to take. "Of course, I'll be with you all the way."

"Thank you. And you know what? I think you were right. I really am lucky to have you."

And for another time, and definitely not the last for that night, they kissed each other with so much love and passion, looking forwards to whatever life had in store for both of them.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Budda1127,** Romantic Alex is always such a turn on, isn't she? Haha! Thank you so much for your review. It brought a smile to my face. =))

 **Guest (one of the best AU),** This is such a short but really, really, really sweet review and I couldn't stop reading it one I received it. Thank you! =))

 **ManveerlovesVauseman,** Hi! Thank you so much for that awesome review. Haha. I'm glad I made you feel all kinds of emotions during the previous chapter. Hopefully this chapter would be as good as you thought the previous one was. =))

 **BL-is-love,** Thank you very much. I'm glad you think so! =)) And yes, finally they've reached that point in their relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ending this story just yet. They still have some things they need to talk about so maybe the ride is still not gonna end. Haha. =)

 **rach5878,** That really means a lot to me, especially because you think this is worth a second read. =)) Thank you so much, that was such a wonderful review I'm smiling like an idiot right now. =))

 **WB79,** I'm sorry for leaving you hanging... and then taking too long to update. But hopefully the content of this chapter would make up for that. Thank you! =)

 **Guest (loved it),** I'm glad, thank you very much! =)

 **oitnbaddict,** Romantic sap, indeed! Thank you for that review. I'm glad you loved the Diane part even if it was just a short part of the last chapter. And yes, Nicky is totally us here. Haha. They have a lot of issues to deal with yet and they're gonna do that on the next chapters but right now, I think you all deserve some fluff. =))

 **Guest (oh hell yeah!),** And they finally got there! Haha, thank you very much! =) Apologies for the delayed update.

 **RJVause,** Haha thank you! I'm glad you liked it and didn't think it was too sappy. But then again, romantic Alex is always something that we love, right? Your review made me laugh especially the "Mrs. Vau- Diane" part. Haha. =))

 **VonZeppy,** I'm glad! Thank you so much! =))

 **huggerguest,** Haha! Thank you! But the end has not come just yet, I would like to give you some more rainbow-filled chapters (hopefully) =) And no problem about the shout outs, your responses amaze me and this is really the least I can do to thank you. =)

 **Guest (smirking),** Of course, only for you my friend. Haha! Thank you so much, and hopefully you'd love the Alex in this chapter as well. =)

 **amciotola1,** Yes, no more baby steps. They've done that enough. Haha. Thank you for leaving a review! =)

 **Guest (God that ending),** I'm sorry the wait has been long but I hope it was at least worth it. Haha. Thank you! =)

 **72ck13,** Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me. *blushing* =)

 **Guest (happy about Janis haha),** Haha! I've had enough with love triangles I don't wanna do that anymore, and I certainly don't want to do that to you knowing you've also had enough of my crap. Haha. Thank you for your review, it was awesome. =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Haha, I gues Piper has more self-control than any of us when it comes to Alex Vause, huh? She'd probably give me a thorn from a rose and I'd immediately say yes! =)) Another huuuuuuge thanks to you for another long and wonderful review. I feel so special every time I read your reviews because you really take so much time telling me what you think of my story. Thank you so much! =))

 **izzielg,** Thank you, I'm happy that you loved it. Here's more cute moments. =))

 **Sheri,** Sorry for the long wait for this new chapter. =( Enjoy! Haha. =))

 **vausegasm,** I hope you're not too disappointed that there's no Janis in this chapter, but don't worry I'll do my best to add a Janis-centric chapter in the future for your eyes only. Haha! Thank you for that review and I hope you'd love this as much even without your favourite character. =))

 **Guest (aww beautiful chapter),** Thank you, I'm glad you loved the previous chapter. Here's another one, hope you like it just as much! =)

 **schillingarmy,** Haha, I got that a lot. I know you've been all waiting for that chapter and I'm sorry it took some time but finally there it was! I'm glad you loved it, that means a lot. Thank you =))

 **Guest (beautiful to read),** The second to the last line from your review was so beaituful! I totally agree and couldn't have said it any better. So thank you very much, that was a beautiful review! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** YES. FINALLY! And I totally agree about them being each other's home. That line of Piper always gives me the feels every time I watch it. Haha. Thank you for the review. =)

 **FFChik,** I'm glad you agree! I also think rushing into anything wouldn't do them any good so I had to make them take a little bit of time. But they've taken time long enough haha! Thank you for another awesome review =)

 **Guest (wishing for a Vauseman day off),** Your wish is my command, Princess! Here's Vauseman's Day Off! Haha. =) I'm so sorry that I couldn't update any sooner, though. =(

 **moanzs,** Haha, good over the bad indeed. Even for Vauseman, hopefully. Haha yes, jealous Piper is always great but so is jealous Alex, hence this chapter. I will try to put in more Cal and Danny and I'm glad you liked the Janis part. Thanks again and sorry this took long. =))

 **sherlynn813,** Thank you dear! =)

 **cutevauseman,** Oh my gosh, that is always one of the compliments that melt my heart the most because I'm aware of so many great AUs in here so thank you very much! =))

 **jomichael03,** Hi, bud! Thank you, that's a relief. Haha. And yeah, how can I ever forget that I met someone so awesome through here? Again, thank you for such a lovely review. It's been too long since we last talked. You are the bestest. Haha. =))

 **Guest (2 weeks w/o update),** I'm really sorry it took me so long to update =( Here it is now, enjoy!

 **Guest (hopes I find some motivation),** Hi! I finally did, I'm sorry that it took me some time, though. =( And you were totally right about them being finally back on track. I hope you liked this chapter. Thank you! =))


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

Would like to send a special shout out to the person who introduced me to the song quoted at the start, you rock! =) It's called I Do by Susie Suh by the way, in case you wanna listen to it. It's a beautiful song. =)

Anyway, here's another chapter. It's again a lot shorter than my usual chapters (possibly the shortest one yet) so I apologize for that. I also apologize for the lack of Vauseman + Nichorello day off flashback. I guess I really suck at fulfilling promises. =( But I just really thought it would be best to leave whatever happened that day to your imagination so there =)

Anyway, hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

 **24**

" _I just wanna hold you when the going's tough,_

 _I just wanna love you when you're not enough,_

 _I just wanna give you all that I can give."_

-o-o-o-

Alex was back at her house and she couldn't help but recall yesterday's events. It had been no doubt one of the most enjoyable days of her life, something she hadn't really experienced in so long. She loved spending the day with her friends and especially with Piper and she made a vow to herself that it wasn't gonna be the last one in another long period of time.

Suddenly her phone was ringing and when she saw who was calling, her face immediately lit up. She answered the call with a stupid grin on her face and if anyone was here right now, she'd be called a sap _again_. But truth be told, she didn't really give a crap anymore.

She was happy and that was all she cared about right now.

"Hey."

" _Hi_ ," Piper's voice was soft and sweet and Alex suddenly wondered why she decided that they slept at their own places the night before. " _Did I wake you?_ "

"No, I was already up. I already miss you."

" _Well, I wonder who decided to sleep apart last night."_

"I know. I'm stupid. Can I come see you?" Alex could hear Piper chuckle at the other end of the line and she found herself smiling with her. It was a sound she would never get tired of.

" _Al, you don't have to ask._ "

"Yeah, it's just that... you know. You might think I'm _smothering_ you or something like that. I don't want to scare you away."

Alex was only half-joking but there was something in that statement that held so much weight. She didn't want to do anything that could drive Piper away. She's already almost lost her a lot of times and she just wasn't risking anything for that to happen again.

Even though she knew that Piper would not mind if they were together a lot. But she was scared for some other reasons, and those are the _unknown_ which made them even scarier.

" _There's nothing you can do that would scare me away. You're stuck with me forever, just so you know."_

The word _forever_ was a _lot_. It was something that would have sent Alex _running_ if this was years ago. But the word came from _Piper_ and somehow it didn't sound heavy at all. As a matter of fact, it sounded _good_ to Alex, like it was something that just fit her and Piper perfectly.

"I'm not complaining," she said, genuinely. "I just hope you know what you're getting into."

" _Oh believe me, I do know._ "

"And you're still not scared?"

" _Are you kidding me, I love it. I love you._ "

"Why do you get so mushy so early in the morning?"

" _Really? You couldn't have just, I don't know, told me you love me, too?_ "

"Bossy, I like it." Alex then said, chuckling slightly. "I love you, too, Princess."

" _That's what I'm talking about!_ " Piper immediately responded back and Alex found herself shaking her head at how adorable her girlfriend was. She suddenly had the need to wrap her in her arms and squeeze her so tightly they'd end up glued together.

"God, you're adorable. Anyway, so I'll come see you before I go to work and then again at lunch and then I'd come pick you up so we could go home together. Is that all right?"

" _Yes, sounds like a plan!_ " Piper agreed and she sounded so excited that Alex just couldn't wait to go see her. " _Okay, I gotta get ready for work. I'll see you soon?"_

"Yeah. Bye, I love you."

Piper paused a short while on the other end of the line before speaking. " _I don't think I'd ever get tired of hearing you say those words,_ " she then chuckled, mostly to herself.

"And I won't get tired saying it," Alex smiled to herself and when she realized just how _stupid_ she might look at that moment, she cleared her throat. "Okay, too much mush in less than an hour. This is unacceptable. I gotta go, Chapman."

Piper then chuckled again, a little more loudly this time. " _Oh, Al. You pretend that you're a hard ass but deep inside, you're really such a softie. I love you, too. Bye!_ "

And with that, Piper ended the call leaving Alex to think to herself that as terrifying as it had sounded to her, Piper may just have been right. And what made it even more terrifying? She was totally fine with it.

-o-o-o-

The day went by slowly for both Alex and Piper, and as much as they'd wanted to see each other, both their works just wouldn't let them.

Alex had to deal with an undelivered product and it took her almost the entire day to sort things out. The whole thing was a total stress and it just made her want the day to be over so much faster so she could go home and spend the rest of the night with her girlfriend.

Piper on the other hand was short of staff so she had to do some waitressing herself especially because the diner seemed to have more customers than usual that day. Overall, it was an exhausting day and she kept looking at the clock, wishing to any gods out there that it would run a little faster so she could finally be home to Alex.

When the time to go home came, Piper was tired to her bones she could barely feel her feet and open her eyes when she locked up the diner. But then right on cue, Alex's car parked in front of her and soon enough, they were walking towards each other with tired smiles on their faces.

"Hi. I'm tired," Piper immediately whined as soon as she saw Alex, but she really didn't need to say anything at all for her girlfriend to know that she was. She looked like she was willing to collapse on the road if that was the only way she could finally get her rest.

"Aw, poor baby," Alex pouted as Piper rested her head on Alex's shoulder, her fingers immediately finding hers so they could entwine them together. "Come on, let's get you home. I'm going to draw you a nice bath," Alex then said after kissing Piper at the side of her head.

"Hmm, you'll join me?" Piper hummed, her voice making vibrations at the crook of Alex's neck.

"Do you want me to join you?" Piper just nodded, snuggling even closer to Alex. They just stood there outside of Red's, standing close to each other, hands clasped together. "Okay then," Alex smiled, before she wrapped one arm around Piper's waist, pulling her even closer to her.

"Ugh, but you already showered."

"What? No, I haven't. I just came from work, Pipes."

"Then why do you smell so good?" Piper inhaled Alex's scent before finally letting go of one of Alex's hand so she could wrap both arms around her girlfriend's body. "You _always_ smell so good. Me, I stink."

"Yeah? Lemme see." Alex then brought her nose closer to Piper's hair inhaling its scent. "Yeah, babe. You really do stink."

"See?!" Piper immediately disentangled herself from Alex, her voice high-pitched, her exhaustion evident on her face.

Alex chuckled loudly before pulling Piper back to her arms again as she kissed her on the cheek. "I'm sorry, I was kidding. You smell great, babe... like strawberries and vanilla. You smell like... _you_. It's good."

"Yeah?" Piper asked, snaking her arms around Alex again, this time a little bit tighter. She rested her head against her girlfriend's chest, feeling her tiredness leave her body as she felt the comfort Alex's presence was bringing her.

"Yeah," Alex smiled at Piper as the blonde looked up at her looking so damn beautiful despite the rough day she just had.

"And you're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Nope," Alex answered without missing a heartbeat. "I only speak the truth."

"Okay. I feel better now. Thank you." Piper lightly pressed a kiss on Alex's lips. "I love you."

Alex had heard that Piper say a thousand times and probably even more than that. But every time those words came out of her girlfriend's mouth directed at her, she still couldn't help the flutters in her stomach and the warmth that spread on her chest. "I love you, too. So, let's go?"

Piper only nodded, and arms locked together, they made their way to Alex's car, both of their exhaustion from the day's work suddenly forgotten.

-o-o-o-

Almost an hour later, both Alex and Piper were soaked in the former's bathtub, Piper sitting between Alex's legs, her back pressed against her girlfriend's front. Alex was running her fingers on Piper's hair while her other hand was holding a bottle of wine.

Piper, on the other hand, had her eyes closed just enjoying the comfort of the water and her girlfriend making soothing touches on her hair and skin. "So, how was your day?'

"It was okay. I missed you, though. I should probably just quit and spend every second watching you."

Piper chuckled as she felt Alex's lips on her shoulder. "All right, I'll quit work, too, so I can do the same." She was also running her fingers lightly against Alex's thigh and the feel of her girlfriend's skin against her was making her relaxed even more. "Hey, have you heard from Nicky or Lorna by the way?"

As soon as Piper mentioned Nicky, Alex started laughing that Piper could feel her body shake. "No, I haven't. I was trying to call Nicky earlier but she wasn't answering. I think she's still pissed at me."

"I'd be, too, if I was her. You caused her to have that fight with Lorna, you know."

"What, she said the game was boring. So I had to do something about it."

Alex again chuckled at the memory of the night before. The four of them were about to end their day but Piper had the idea of playing 20 questions so they did. Except they didn't even get to 20 questions when Nicky and Lorna started having a huge argument.

Alex knew that it was kind of her fault for revealing the fact that Nicky had slept with another woman even if she was already with Lorna. In Alex's defense, that no one, not even Piper apparently, would probably accept, Lorna was still with Christopher at that time, so she figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

But it was for Lorna and soon enough they were fighting in front of her and Piper (only to make up after about an hour... in a really _loud_ way.) But that didn't make it easier for Nicky to forgive her, especially because Alex had given her so much shit for having seen Piper naked when she was just really trying to help.

So now, almost a whole day later, Nicky still hasn't talked to her.

"Something meaning telling Lorna that very thing she didn't want her to know?"

"Babe, if they're gonna be in that relationship forever, they have to be honest with each other."

"I know, but still, that was supposed to be Nicky's call."

"Oh believe me, I know Nicky like the back of my hand. She was never gonna admit that to Lorna. I actually just helped them, you know. If Lorna found this out way later, who knows how they were gonna deal with it. At least now, it's out there and they're still okay," Alex paused shortly before realizing something. "Why are you picking her side over mine anyway?"

"I'm not picking sides! Okay, maybe I'm picking hers just a tiny bit." Piper then retracted her first statement but not without emphasizing how _tiny_ she meant by putting her thumb and forefinger so close together. "But that was really mean! I mean, Lorna almost stormed off."

Alex still couldn't help but laugh but then she was actually really starting to feel guilty. "Yeah, I guess that was kind of maybe the tiniest bit pretty shitty of me. I'll go see her tomorrow and apologize, okay?"

"Okay," Piper smiled as she looked up at Alex. The raven-haired then leaned down so she could kiss Piper softly, their lips meeting in the gentlest way.

They let silence engulf them for a short while, just enjoying their time together. But Alex knew Piper enough to know that she wasn't just being quiet for the sake of it. Her thoughts were too loud for Alex not to notice.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

Piper sighed before shifting her body so she could fit into Alex's arms better and also so she could look at her while she spoke. "Uh, do you think you can take a few days off work anytime soon?"

"Of course. Is this about you wanting to go see your mom?"

Piper just nodded as Alex squeezed her hand. "I just... I need to do it now before I change my mind again. It's just that... things are really going great in my life now. Red, Nicky, Lorna, my brothers... you. But I still feel like there's still something I need to do."

Alex nodded as she pressed another kiss at the top of Piper's head. "I'll be there with you, babe. Whatever you need to do... I'm not gonna leave you, okay?"

Piper found herself smiling at this, knowing that even though it would probably not be the easiest thing she'd have to do, especially since she maybe had to see her father, too, once she decided to go see her mom's grave, she knew Alex being there would make all of it a lot bearable. "Thank you."

"When are you planning to go?"

"Probably the day after tomorrow. I still have to tell Red I'd be taking a few days off. And kind of prepare myself. I don't even know what I'd have to do once I'm there."

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out together. It's you and me, all right?"

"Okay."

Alex wrapped her arms around Piper more tightly, telling her without words that she was always gonna be there from now on, no more leaving, no more running away. And with that, Piper realized that this thing she had to do may not be as hard as she thought it would be after all.

-o-o-o-

Even though she and Piper weren't leaving until the next day, Alex decided to already take the day off beforehand so she could settle all the things she and Piper needed to do before leaving.

Right after she had brought Piper to work, she immediately went to Nicky's place, knowing full well what she had to do but also aware that Nicky was gonna make her work for it. It had been like that with her and her best friend ever since, more often just really wanting to give each other shit than them really being _mad_ at each other.

She'd been at the door for ten minutes, knocking repeatedly and shouting for Nicky when Nicky finally decided to open up for her. "I come bearing gifts," Alex immediately said as she stretched out her arms to give Nicky the bottle of Vodka she decided to bring to _lure_ Nicky into forgiving her.

But Nicky just turned her back on her and went walking back inside her house, totally ignoring Alex, but leaving the door open anyway.

"Oh come on, Nick. Are you really still mad at me?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Nicky suddenly yelled, looking back at Alex. "You almost had Lorna break up with me!"

"We both know she's never going to do that. She left a man at the altar for you!"

"Really? That's your excuse? I get it that you were probably trying to get back at me for seeing your girlfriend naked, but that was just too much, man."

"Hey, I wasn't trying to get back at you. I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal, because admit it or not, she was still with Christopher at the time and that was in no way telling that you two were exclusive."

Nicky opened her mouth to talk, looking ready to protest but Alex cut her off.

"Which, of course, is not something that could justify what I did... even if, again, I really didn't think it would cause any fight." Nicky almost rolled her eyes at Alex still defending herself but kept quiet anyway. "So, I'm here to apologize... which you pretty much know is hard for me to do especially if it's to _you_." Alex paused, waiting for Nicky to answer but the shorter woman just stayed quiet. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to do it," Alex then added, much more sincerely this time.

Nicky didn't immediately say anything but when she grasped the bottle that was on Alex's hand, a slow smirk forming on her lips, Alex knew she'd been forgiven. "I need free breakfast for the next week."

This time, it was Alex's turn to roll her eyes, but not without the chuckle that escaped her lips. "Of fucking course, you'd ask for that. So, I'm forgiven?"

"Yes, you asshole. Although I must say, that actually worked out in my favour because man, the makeup sex afterwards? Fucking gold."

"Fuck off, you think I didn't know? The entire New York could hear Lorna's screams. I think you guys traumatized Piper."

"What can I say?" Nicky then held up both her hands and looked at them proudly. "These babies work magic."

"First of all, please don't ever touch me with those hands again. And secondly, your free breakfasts have to wait a few days because Piper and I are leaving tomorrow."

"Oh, where are you going? You got inspired by Lorna and I's passionate love making that you decided to outdo me and _fuck_ your girlfriend in some grand country or some other shit like that?"

"I wish. But no, I don't think there's gonna be any _fucking_ that's gonna happen at where we're going. She's going back home. She finally decided to go see her mom, and probably dad, too."

"Holy shit, really? How's she doing right now?"

"She's been awfully quiet when I brought her to work earlier. It's not gonna be easy for her. But I think that once she gets past this, she's gonna feel a whole lot better. The memory of her mother is still kind of weighing her down and she just has to let go of that burden so she can truly be happy," Alex said solemnly, feeling a bit worried at what Piper must be thinking right now.

Nicky nodded in understanding, the concern on her face a few minutes ago turning into a genuine smile. "Good luck, kid. I'm proud of you both. You've come a long way."

"Yeah, well it wouldn't have happened for Piper if it wasn't for you. You were the one who helped her back to her feet, you know. And I just realized I still haven't properly thanked you for it."

"Ugh, save the sappiness for Chapman, Vause. You're gonna make me wanna vomit."

Alex chuckled before lightly shoving Nicky. "Seriously, thanks. There are a lot of times I wanna smash your head against a wall but this is one of the very few times I wanna wrap you in a bone-crushing hug."

Nicky quickly took a few steps away from Alex as she extended her arms forwards keeping her taller best friend, who was slowly approaching her, from moving closer. "I swear to fucking god, Vause, if you take another step—"

Alex then guffawed seeing Nicky's reaction before retreating from her, raising her hands upwards. "Oh, fuck off. Like I'd want to touch you when I can still hear your fucking moans in my head."

Nicky joined her laughter as she again showed off her hands to Alex. "Told you, magic."

-o-o-o-

After hanging out with Nicky for quite some time, Alex proceeded to go back to Red's to visit her girlfriend. To her surprise, she wasn't there. "Where'd she go?" she asked one of the waitresses, who up until now she didn't know the name of. She was kind of regretting that now especially because she didn't know where Piper was and the girl seemed like she wasn't interested in talking to her at all.

"I have no idea."

"Do you at least know what time she left?" Alex asked, ignoring the fact that the girl just rolled her eyes at her. Gone were the days when every staff wouldn't want to be on her bad side because of Red. She guessed she'd lost that privilege when she left without saying anything at all.

"I don't know. I'm not tracking my boss' every move. That's what she needs to do with _us_."

Alex's patience was running out with this person but her worry for Piper's sudden disappearance was trumping her irritation so again, she chose to ignore the comment. She pinched the bridge of her nose as she sighed. "Is there _anyone_ who might know when she left and where she might have gone?"

"Nope."

At that response, Alex turned her back, knowing just how close she was to strangling the girl. As soon as she reached outside, she immediately dialled Piper's phone, but her calls were going straight to voicemails. She then sent her a text asking where she was even though she really had little hope that she'd answer.

After her fifth try on reaching Piper, Alex decided to call Nicky. "Nick, is Piper there?"

"What? You just came here, Vause. No, she's not here. I though she's at Red's?"

"She's not. And I don't know where she is, she's not answering any of my calls."

"Have you tried going to her place?"

"No. Can you please go check? I'll go to my house in case she went there instead," Alex paused, trying to steady the fast beat of her heart. "Nicky, I'm worried. What if-"

"Hey, relax," Nicky immediately cut her off preventing her thoughts from going anywhere dangerous. "I'm sure she's fine, okay? I'll go look for her and I'll call you as soon as I do."

"Okay, thanks Nicky," Alex said as she ran her fingers through her hair. She knew there was something wrong with Piper the moment they woke up today. She barely spoke a word and would only say something if Alex asked her a question. She suddenly hated herself for not asking if anything was wrong.

Right after she ended her phone call with Nicky, she immediately went back home only to find it empty. Nicky had called her back soon after telling her that Piper wasn't at her own place, too. Alex's nerves were going crazy by that point but she tried to stay calm so she could think rationally, and be able to figure out where Piper must have gone.

She then proceeded to go to their lake but Piper was not there as well. She again tried calling Piper but her calls remain unanswered. After going to every possible place she'd think Piper would go to, only to find no Piper there, Alex could no longer ignore the worry that was seeping through every fibre of her being.

Looking up, she silently asked her Mom for help, going desperate because she had run out of places to look. But as she looked up, her eyes closed out of frustration, something clicked in her head, as if her mom really whispered something to her.

All of a sudden, she might have just realized where Piper must be at this exact moment.

-o-o-o-o-

"Hey..." Piper whispered softly as she tucked her legs under her, her shoulder hunched slightly feeling a bit defeated. "I know we never really knew each other, we _don't_... but I just really need to be here right now."

Piper sat looking at Diane's grave, wishing that being here would help even just the tiniest bit. She's been going back and forth with her decision to finally visit her mother and possibly her father, too, and she really didn't wanna have to change her mind just because she couldn't do it. She was just _done_ running away.

"You don't know how badly I keep wishing that I'd met you, you know, so I could also know what it feels like to have a mom. It's hard having to grow up with a mother who would constantly make you feel like you don't deserve to be loved because you grow up believing that it's true."

Piper thought back to all those days she spent having to figure out what went wrong with her, on why her mother, _parents_ , couldn't love her the way she wanted them to. Until she's finally come to the realization that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with _her_. Maybe it's _them_.

But it took her a long time before she's accepted that fact and the journey towards that end turned her into the person she was before she met Alex... a person who had the reflex of shutting everyone out just so they wouldn't have the ability to hurt her like her parents had done.

But Alex changed that. She helped her believe that she also deserved to love again... and also to be loved. So now, here she was, with the person who would probably sacrifice her own life just for her... a person who loved her too much Piper felt like she wouldn't need anyone else ever again.

And yet, Piper couldn't help but feel that something still didn't feel _right_.

"Alex loves me so _much_ and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And she doesn't deserve _that_... because she's doing everything for me and I feel like I'm coming up short in returning that to her. That's why I decided to finally go see my parents."

Piper shook her head at how long it took her to finally be able to do this. She hated how she let whatever it was that her parents had caused her to weigh her down her entire life.

"I've been running away from this for as long as I can remember. I've carried this weight on my shoulders all my life and I'm really, _really_ tired. So maybe if I just learn to let this go, I'd finally be the person Alex really deserves."

Piper paused, as if waiting for Diane to say anything back. With everything that Alex had told her about her, Piper knew that she was an amazing person. And she knew that if they knew each other, they would have had an amazing relationship... which had made Piper suddenly sad knowing that it was something she'd never have.

"But I'm _really scared_. I've shut off any emotions when it comes to my parents and I don't know what would happen if I go back there. But I don't wanna back out because I wanna do this for Alex... I wanna do this for _me_."

Piper then looked up, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. When she was able to compose herself, she looked back at the grave and smiled, imagining Diane really in front of her right now, doing the same thing. "So, if you have anything to say to me, some advice or something like that, I'd really appreciate it. Alex told me you're good at that."

Suddenly, Piper could feel someone move behind her until that person was already copying her position as she sat beside her. She looked at her and there Alex was, smiling at her like she was the most beautiful sight there was, and that smile tugged at her heart strings that she found herself immediately tucking herself closer to her girlfriend.

"I've been looking all over for you," Alex whispered after kissing her at her temple, her arm pulling her closer until there was no more space between them. "You made me so worried."

The guilt finally crawled up to Piper's chest for not having told Alex where she was. "I'm sorry, I should have told you," she paused, trying to think of something that could justify what she had just put her girlfriend through. "It's just that... I'm freaking out."

Alex rubbed her arm soothingly, and with that simple gesture, Piper's anxiety somehow started to subside. "Then you should have called me so we could have freaked out together."

Piper chuckled slightly as she leaned her head on Alex's shoulder, her fingers absentmindedly playing with the hem of her shirt. "I didn't wanna bother you."

"Pipes..." Alex started and Piper could sense a _little_ disappointment in her tone. "You know you could never bother me. I'd rather know what's going on with you so I can help. I don't want you going through anything alone... _not again_."

Her last two words came out a whisper and Piper knew right then what she must be thinking. Immediately, Piper's guilt resurfaced and she suddenly felt so selfish for not at least telling Alex where she was going. So Piper lifted her head and pressed a soft kiss on Alex's jaw. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Alex then nodded and smiled at her before looking at the fresh flowers that lay on her mom's tombstone. "Are you okay?" Alex knew it was a stupid question. The fact that Piper was here sitting in front of her mother's grave clearly suggested that she was far from okay but her need to know whether Piper was okay seemed to already be like a second nature to her.

Piper then snaked her right arm around Alex's back, bringing her head back to lean on her girlfriend's shoulder. Together, they looked at Diane's grave, their free hands clasped shut together. "I am now."

Piper started to think why she came here in the first place, on why she chose to talk to someone who was in no way going to answer back instead of her girlfriend whom she knew would always do everything she could if she needed her.

And then she realized that even though she didn't really know for sure what she needed to do once she went to see her mother, she really didn't want to be _told_ what she was supposed to do. She needed to come up with it on her own because this was _hers_ to deal with in the first place and she wanted to finally put a close to it on her own as well.

That's why she chose someone who could _maybe_ listen, just so she could let some things that were bothering her out of her chest, but not be able to say anything.

And she knew that if she chose to talk to Alex, she would just tell her that it was going to be okay, that everything would be fine. Piper would probably be grateful for that eventually. But as odd as it would have sounded to anyone else, she needed to be able to convince herself, on her own, that after whatever she'd decide to do, she was _finally_ going to be able to let go.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You were right... about your mom being able to make someone feel better just by her presence."

Alex smiled happily, feeling a bit _proud_ that despite her mother's physical presence, she was still able to do the things she used to do with her before. And she was even happier that she was able to do that now with _Piper_. "Yeah, she does that... _really well_." Piper smiled with her and Alex felt a sense of relief that Piper may just be okay after all. "So, we're good? I don't have to lock you in your room tonight just so I'm sure that you're gonna be okay?"

"You're hot when you act all motherly on me."

"Okay, I love you. But that's really fucked up."

Alex could feel Piper's chuckles against her shoulder and it caused a good kind of warmth that settled on her chest at feeling this. And with this, Alex knew that she could go through hell and back for Piper, if only it meant having to hear Piper's laugh over and over again because that sound was something worth every pain she'd have to go through if she had to.

"Al, I think we should go home," Piper then whispered, Alex's arms still wrapped around her. She could hear Alex's faint answer of _Okay_ , but Piper stayed still, knowing full well that in all honestly, she didn't need to move at all to be home.

Because right here, in Alex's arms, was exactly where _home_ was, and would always be, for her.

-o-o-o-

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Budda1127,** Yeah, jealous Alex is hot indeed. But she's always hot anyway. Haha! You're welcome for the update, you guys deserve this. Thank you so much for those kind words, I'm glad you loved the previous chapter. =)

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	25. Chapter 25

**A/N:**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.

Again, apologies for the delay. I tried updating as soon as I could but life has its way of kicking my ass so, I'm really sorry.

This is such a bittersweet moment because this is the final chapter of this story. It had been a great journey writing this but the best part is still getting to interact with you all. Thanks for all the favourites and follows and reviews. All of those mean so much to me! Thank you. *happy tears*

This chapter is dedicated to you. Yes, you. And yes, I still like you very much. Haha. *wink wink*

More A/N at the bottom. Enjoy!

 **25**

" _I will always be yours forever and more, through the push and the pull..._

 _I still drown in your love and drink 'til I'm drunk,_

 _And all that I've done, is it ever enough?"_

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper were finally on their way to Connecticut, a place Piper swore she'd never go to again. During the drive, Alex noticed how awfully quiet Piper was, only speaking when being asked a question and not saying anything more than the answer expected from her.

"Babe? You okay?" asked Alex even though she already knew the answer. Piper was looking out the window, and Alex had to grasp her hand to get her attention.

Piper then looked at her and tried to force a smile, but instead of answering verbally, she just nodded before looking back out again.

Alex then decided to just leave Piper to her thoughts for a while, knowing how hard this must be for her. She wanted to do something, anything so she could make her feel even just at least better but for now, respecting Piper's need for silence would have to do.

It had been about fifteen minutes later when Piper suddenly spoke, her tone a little panicked and her actions frantic. "Al, can you please pull over?"

"What?" asked Alex, surprised by Piper's request.

"Please. Just pull over. Just... please."

"Okay, okay," Alex complied, pulling over, worried by Piper's sudden _outburst_. "Pipes, what's going on?"

But Piper refused to answer, and instead went out of the car quickly, slamming the door shut before leaning against it. She was breathing heavily, both her hands clasping at her shirt, her eyes shut tightly.

"Pipes?" Alex slowly approached her, not wanting to startle her girlfriend. "Babe..." she stood in front of her as she gently held her shoulders before running down her hands until their fingers were entwined together.

Piper still had her eyes shut and this time, trace of tears could be seen forming on them. Her breathing was still heavy and Alex could feel how hard she was trying to control her emotions.

"Pipes, please look at me." Alex had to unclasp one of her hands from Piper's so she could cup her face and gently guide it to face her. Slowly, Piper opened her eyes and they were filled with so much pain that Alex's heart ached as if she was going through the same thing. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I can't go, Al." Piper said softly as she shook her head, her voice quivering a little. "I can't do it."

Finally, Piper let out the tears she's been trying to hold ever since she and Alex got into the car. She really wanted this to be over. She wanted to just let everything go so she could start over with Alex again without any of those burdens she's acquired from the past. But just thinking about having to face her father and having to deal with her dead mom was proving to be too much for her to handle just yet.

At the sight, Alex immediately pulled Piper into a hug, wrapping her arms around her protectively but gently. Piper's pain was hers, too, and if only she could take all of it just so Piper could never be hurt ever again, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Pipes, you can," she whispered into her ear as she rubbed her girlfriend's back soothingly. "You're stronger than you think... you've gone through _so much_ and you won over all of it. This is the final battle, and you're going to win over it just like all other fights you've had your entire life."

"But I don't know what to do. And I'm scared of what's gonna happen and what I'm going to feel once I'm there."

Alex then pulled away so she could look Piper in the eye and wiped the tears that had now settled on her cheeks. "Do you wanna hear something?" Piper's eyes filled with questions but she nodded and so Alex breathed deeply, preparing herself to tell Piper something she wasn't planning to tell her just yet. "While I was g-gone... I went to London. Do you remember Ashley?"

At the mention of the name, Alex noticed the change in Piper's expression. Of course, she remembered Ashley. But then again, Piper remained quiet, giving Alex only a slight nod at her question, apprehension apparent on her face.

"I've dodged anything that could remind me of her ever since that night happened. You know it... you know how scared I was to face whatever issues I had with her because I was so scared that if I did, the guilt of thinking her death was my fault would win over me."

Alex tried recalling everything she went through because of that night, ever since that night. She almost lost everything because of it. And for a second, she thought the pain she felt all those times would come back again. Much to her surprise, _it didn't_.

"It was hard, Pipes. I spent every day of my life ever since carrying that burden, and it weighed me down so much that I couldn't allow myself to be truly happy. Even if I was already with you back then, I always thought that I shouldn't be happy because I didn't deserve it after what I _thought_ I'd done. I let it control me and in the end, it ended up ruining me, it ruined _us_."

And then it all came down to _that_. The drugs, for thinking it would help her _forget_ so she could at least be happy with Piper. But instead of helping, it just started to go downhill from there. Up until now, the thought of almost losing Piper for good still sent shivers down her spine. Just the thought of having to live in a world without the woman she loved the most already scared her _enough._

So she had to do something about it. And thankfully, _she did_.

"So when I decided to put my shit together, it was one of the things I decided to do... to finally face _her_. I didn't know what I was gonna do. I didn't even know if it was gonna help. But I stopped thinking and booked a plane ticket to London and went to finally face one of my biggest fears."

When Ashley died, Alex didn't only have to go through the pain of her _death._ She also went through the difficulty of having to arrange everything, from hiding from the authorities, and from _everyone_ , whatever happened, to her funeral, which didn't really _happen_ except for having her cremated, to having to bring her back home, to telling her family that they've lost her forever.

And Alex had to go through all of that while dealing with the thought that it was all her fault. So after that, all she wanted was just to forget everything, to shut down all her emotions just so she could still manage to _exist_ even without having to really _live_ anymore.

And she thought that it was enough for her to go on. But she couldn't be more wrong until she's finally realized it and had to do what she should have done since day one.

"I talked to her... _apologized_... all the while hoping she was there and listening to me, wishing she could at least tell me that I was forgiven. But I didn't need to hear her forgiveness. Turned out I just had to forgive myself to be able to finally let go."

It was all Alex needed. She'd been looking for the _wrong_ ways on how to deal with it and she only had to forgive herself for it and to allow herself to cry for Ashley _one last time._ It was all she needed to finally be free from all of it.

"And I did, Pipes. I forgave myself for it and after that I felt lighter than I've ever had ever since I lost her. It wasn't easy. But there are people in my life who deserve so much more from me other than to be the person who kept letting the past control her present and future. And now I'm here... and I'm _with you_... and there's nothing holding me back anymore."

Alex knew Piper understood why she was telling this to her right now and she hoped that it could at least help her in some way. All things considered, Piper and she mirrored each other. They met at the worst times of their lives and fell in love while living with the ghosts of the past, almost destroying themselves in the process.

It seemed like everything happened at the wrong time so they had to heal apart, just so they could become the people they were now and have the kind of love they both deserved. But there was still that one last thing that they had to go through so they could finally say that the past no longer had the power to control them.

Alex had gone through that. It was Piper's turn, and she was going to make sure she was there for her, and _with her_ , every step of the way.

"Babe, I know this is not easy for you. But I'm here, and I'm gonna do everything that I can to help, okay? I'm not leaving you, unless you tell me to. I'm gonna be with you all the way. Pipes, you deserve so much more. You can do this, I _know_ it."

Slowly, the light in Piper's eyes came back and Alex could no longer see _fear_ in them. She could only see determination and so when Piper smiled, Alex found herself smiling as well, knowing Piper was ready to do this. "So? Are you ready to do this?"

Piper exhaled and wiped the remaining traces of tears on her eyes. "Yeah." She felt all better, just listening to everything Alex said and she didn't realize how glad she was that Alex was with her until now. "Thank you," Piper smiled and kissed Alex softly, her heart bursting with so much love for this woman holding her like she was the most precious creation in this world. "And I'm really proud of you," she then added, causing a small chuckle to escape Alex's mouth as their lips touched.

So when she and Alex pulled apart, the blonde knew that she wasn't just ready to face her parents... she was also ready to let go.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper were already at the hotel they decided to stay in while they were in Piper's hometown. The blonde decided to go see her Dad first and even though she really still did not know what she was going to tell him, she decided to go _now_ since the sooner she did it, the sooner this would all be over, too.

"Are you gonna come with me?" asked Piper, hoping Alex would say yes but not wanting to force her to do something she did not want to do.

"Do you want me to go with you? " Alex, of course, wanted to go with Piper. She meant it when she said she'd never leave Piper through all of this, but if her girlfriend preferred doing this alone, she'd also respect that.

"Yes."

"Then I will," Alex smiled before kissing Piper on her forehead. "So, how do we do this? Should I pretend to be just your _sexy_ acquaintance or..."

Piper chuckled as Alex gave her that signature eyebrow raise, so seductive and yet so adorable at the same time. " _Sexy_ , huh?"

" No? Just an acquaintance then?"

"How about..." Piper started closing the gap between her and Alex until she rested both her arms on her girlfriend's shoulders, her hands clasped together at her nape, "...I just introduce you as my hot, sexy, badass girlfriend, will that work for you?" Her face was merely inches from Alex's and she could notice the change in Alex's breathing as her eyes started to darken.

"Hmm, I think I like that," Alex said before Piper finally pressed their lips together.

Piper started to deepen the kiss as her hands went lower to grasp Alex's ass. Alex moaned softly at this and even though she knew Piper was only doing this to stall, she welcomed the softness of her lips against hers and her body pressed deliciously against her own.

"And I also like where this is going but baby, we have somewhere to go to," Alex then said when she managed to untangle herself from her girlfriend.

"Ugh, but I don't wanna go," Piper kissed Alex again and for the nth time, Alex let her, chuckling at how Piper pouted when she pulled away.

"Babe, we have all the time in the world to do this. But right now, we're gonna have to do your dad first."

Piper immediately stepped a few steps away from Alex as she looked at her with disgust. "Alex, what the fuck, that's so gross!"

Alex then chuckled loudly realizing what she just said, and probably more at Piper's reaction. "I mean do that thing with your dad. Fuck, I'm sorry, my mind doesn't work properly when you do _this_ to me. We're not doing your Dad, Pipes. You can relax."

"Ugh, stop. You disgust me."

"You love me anyway."

"Nope," Piper said shaking her head. "Not right now," she then added before she left the hotel room, leaving Alex still laughing at herself and more at her.

And as Piper listened to the beautiful sound that was Alex's laughter, she remembered that this really wasn't supposed to be _that_ hard.

 _She had Alex. And Alex made things easy._

-o-o-o-

"So, you're ready to do this?"

Alex and Piper were already parked in front of Piper's old home and the latter felt like her insides were doing somersaults. "No," she then said as she swallowed hard, the memories of her childhood rushing back as she looked at the house she never thought she'd ever see again.

Piper was quiet again. But this time, it wasn't because she wanted to back out. She was only trying to control her emotions, the anger that was slowly building up and the pain that never really went away in the first place. If she was going to do this, she wanted to be as calm as she could be and she knew that if she went in now, that wasn't going to happen.

"Can we stay here for a while? I just... I just need a few minutes."

"Okay, whenever you're ready," Alex then held Piper's hand, making soothing circles on her knuckle. Alex could sense Piper's unease and so she tried to make conversation just so she could divert her attention even just for a short while. "So this is where you grew up?"

Piper finally looked at her and gave her a small smile. "Yeah." Alex's smile grew wider at this. "What?"

"Nothing. I just imagined you running around like a little kid and how adorable you probably were. Did you run around with just your underwear on?"

"What?" Piper asked chuckling as she adamantly shook her head. "I so did not. I was a very proper kid if you must know."

"Proper kid, sure," Alex answered, her tone mocking.

"Hey, it's true," protested Piper, her apprehension about having to face her father suddenly dissipating. She was aware that Alex was doing this to distract her from going anywhere near her dangerous thoughts and she was thankful that her girlfriend knew when to do when Piper didn't.

"Okay. Then it's a good thing you're no longer so _proper_ these days," the raven-haired then added, raising her eyebrows suggestively. This earned her a playful hit on her arm from Piper and she could see how Piper had started to relax a lot more than the first few minutes they got here.

For a short while, Piper was quiet but then she inhaled deeply and when she looked back at Alex, the tension from her body had left her and she could only feel determination pulsing through her. "Okay, I think your distracting tactics have worked. I'm gonna go in now."

Alex smiled widely and watched as Piper went out of her car with determination on her face and newly-found bravery. She followed shortly after as the blonde went up to the front porch of the house, raised her hand to knock at the door, and looked back at Alex with a somehow blank expression on her face.

If Alex didn't know Piper's Dad lived here, she probably would have thought that this place was abandoned. It looked as if it hasn't been cleaned in months, the inside of the house barely seen through the windows from the thick dust that had settled on them. The plants outside have withered and the fallen leaves lay scattered all over the place.

It was about a minute later when they heard footsteps coming closer from the inside and Alex noticed how Piper inhaled sharply, and out of instinct she grabbed Piper's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Piper looked back at her with a small smile on her face, about to say something.

But the words had not left her mouth because soon enough the door was widely open, a tall man, his hair grey and his eyes lifeless, undoubtedly Piper's father, standing right in front of them. The look on his face could only be described as pure shock mixed with something else Alex could not decipher.

"P-Piper?" the man stammered, his composure wavering. "I-it is you, right?" He looked at Piper as if making sure that his eyes weren't doing tricks on him. "It's you," he then said, his voice more determined this time.

Piper swallowed hard and felt her eyes sting at the sight of her father whom she hasn't seen in so long he couldn't even _almost_ recognize her anymore. "It's me."

"Oh, Piper, honey!" her father then exclaimed before pulling her into a bone-crushing hug. It took Piper by surprise that she couldn't move. Her hands stayed still at her side as she tried to think of the _appropriate_ thing to do. But she couldn't come up with anything and all she could think about was how _long_ the hug was taking and how she just wanted to be out of his grasp right that second.

When Piper managed to move, she pulled away from him almost frantically, taking a few steps away from him gaining her an enough space between them. She could see the surprised look on her father's face at her reaction, which quickly turned into an understanding and what seemed like _guilt_.

Well, that's what Piper would have liked to think so.

"I can't believe you came back. I mean... I'm happy, _very_ happy, but I just—I thought you weren't coming back."

Piper didn't say anything to this but instead instinctively looked at Alex who was still standing at her side. This brought her father to look at Alex as well, a small smile on his face.

"Y-you're Piper's friend?" he asked, his tone more polite than Alex was expecting.

Ever since Piper told her the entire story of her life, Alex had always thought of her parents as some evil monsters who weren't capable of being nice. But this person in front of her right now was far from what she imagined and she wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

She then smiled and was about to say _Yes_ , not because she didn't want to tell him the truth but because she really thought this wasn't an appropriate time to introduce herself as his long-lost daughter's girlfriend, when Piper beat her to it.

"She isn't my friend. She's Alex, and she's my _girlfriend_."

Piper's tone was firm and even, and Alex immediately searched for any reaction from Bill's face, again expecting anything _negative_ , but except for the slight surprise that he couldn't really mask with his forced smile, Alex did not see any judgment or some sort.

"Oh," Piper's father responded before nodding his head in understanding. "Hi, Alex. It's nice to meet you, I'm Bill," he extended his hand towards her and Alex took it and shook it formally before looking back at Piper who seemed to be just as surprised with her father's reaction as well.

"Nice to meet you, too."

Even though Alex could see that he was trying hard to be _nice_ , if he was even just trying or it was all really _natural_ , she still remained _just_ civil knowing that this person was still one of those who had hurt Piper immensely.

Bill then realized that they were still just standing on his doorway and so when he did, he opened his door wider and gestured for both of them to go in. "I'm so sorry, that was rude of me. Come in!" Alex could sense how Bill was trying to act normally but it was evident how _clueless_ he was on how to act around the daughter he hadn't seen in _years_.

So she followed Piper who apprehensively walked in, taking in how everything inside looked. If the outside of the house made it seem as if it had been abandoned, the inside on the other hand gave the impression that it had been wrecked by a hurricane. Things were scattered all over and there was not a single thing that seemed to be on its right place.

It made Alex wonder just how long Piper's father had stopped _living_.

"Have a seat, please!" he then gestured to one of the couches that seemed as if it was gonna break once someone sat on it. He frantically walked around the room, trying to tidy things as he did and Alex felt a little _uncomfortable_ just watching him.

Again, Piper and Alex looked at each other without Bill noticing, Alex silently asking Piper whether she was fine which caused the blonde to nod a little, giving Alex a small smile. It was through those kinds of looks that Alex felt just how strongly connected she and Piper were, having been able to understand what the other was saying without really saying anything at all.

"Do you want anything to eat? Or drink? I can prepare you some—"

"We're not here to make _pleasantries_ ," Piper said, cutting off whatever her father was trying to say. "I'm here because I want you to know how much you've ruined my life."

Piper's voice was so sharp it took not only Bill by surprise, but Alex, too. But knowing how Piper had bottled up her anger towards her parents for so long, somehow she understood. Suddenly, she wanted to rush towards Piper and ease her tension once again but then she realized that if Piper had to get past this, she needed to finally let out everything she was feeling.

"Pip—"

"No, _Dad_. I think it's time you finally listened to me. I spent years _listening_ to you, _following_ everything you told me to do. Not once had you ever been on the listening side. You and _her_. Do you know what it feels like to grow up with _both_ parents who made you feel like you're _nothing?_ "

Bill couldn't look at Piper. He was staring at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, shifting his weight from either foot alternately. But Alex knew he was listening to every word Piper was saying with the way he flinched as if he'd been burned.

Piper could see this, too, and it spurred her on even more knowing this was _hurting_ him. She was suddenly so angry that all she wanted to do was to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.

"Danny, Cal, and I did everything to make you _happy_ and yet you treated us like crap. Were you guys really so miserable that you had to make ours just like that, too? You were the reason Danny left us. You're the reason I left Cal. You're the fucking reason I spent years of my life thinking no one would ever want to _love_ me. Because why the hell would they when my own parents couldn't even do that?"

Piper _wasn't_ crying. Her hands were balled to a fist and Alex could see how her voice would tremble just slightly, trying to conceal any emotion she was feeling at the moment. But Alex _knew_ Piper and she knew she wasn't feeling _nothing_ standing in front of the person who had hurt her so much.

She could see the anger beneath the blank expression on her face, could hear the pain in her voice. She could see how much Piper was hurting and she hated that she couldn't do anything except watch her try to not fall apart.

"I just wanna know why," the question came out as a whisper, like Piper was suddenly so tired of it all.

"I..." Bill started, his voice quivering as he ran her fingers through his hair. "I wasn't happy with the way your m-mother was controlling my life and how I couldn't do anything about it. I _hated_ it that I couldn't do anything about it, that it made me feel like such a _useless_ person. Which is why I just settled on tuning her out, focusing my attention on other things instead... other people... without realizing that I was already hurting the three of you in the process."

He was shaking his head, as if doing that would make it all _better_. "I'm sorry, Piper. I don't have any explanation other than the fact that I was a terrible father. And I'd understand if you don't forgive me. But I want you to know how _sorry_ I am, and that I _tried_ looking for you, for the three of you. But I guess it was a little late when I started doing it. I'm sorry. For everything. I'm really sorry."

Alex couldn't help but compare Piper's situation with her father to hers. And she wondered whether what was more difficult, not having experienced the love of your own father because he simply wasn't there, or not experiencing that kind of love _even if he was there_.

Which led her to think whether this _genuine_ apology that Piper's father was giving her would make a difference, would give Piper the peace she deserved more than anyone else in the world.

Piper was still _not_ crying. Instead, she was nodding her head slowly, a dry laugh escaping her lips. Everything was quiet for a while, and Alex could see that Piper was _thinking_. And then she let out a sigh, inhaling deeply before doing so.

"You're right. It'll probably be right that I _never_ forgive you. But I'm _exhausted_ , Dad. I'm so _fucking_ tired carrying all these _anger_ with me. I'm tired feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of all of it," Piper said, sounding exactly like it, _tired_.

And really, she was done feeling that.

"And that's another reason why I'm here. At first I didn't know why I wanted to come see you. But now I understand. It's because I wanna give myself the chance to forgive you... so that I can finally move on. It's not gonna be easy, believe me. But I wanna try," she stopped, looking at her father as if she wanted to say something more, only to decide against it in the end.

Instead, she said with a finality in her tone, as if saying it would mean this was the last time she was gonna feel this way, " _I'm tired._ "

And with that, Bill rushed forward towards Piper, hugging her once more but with so much more force this time, as if all apologies needed could be said through that hug. And unlike earlier, Piper brought her hands up to hug him back, even if it seemed like she was having such a hard time doing it, she _tried_.

Seeing this, Alex felt herself smiling, happy for the _huge_ progress Piper just made. And while still hugging her father, Piper looked at her, smiling back, and Alex felt her heart melt at the sight. This was a start, and she hoped that things would only look up from here.

-o-o-o-

Piper was now standing in front of her mother's grave, Alex and her father just behind her. At first, Piper's mind was _blank_. She didn't know what to think or say or do so she just stood there, her emotions dancing at a very thin thread between sadness and relief... _sadness_ for all the things that she wished she could've changed, and _relief_ that _finally_ she was able to do this one final step before she could finally move on.

And then she let her tears fall. Those tears she didn't want her father to see, those tears she hoped she'd never have to shed again, she allowed them to fall. And somehow, that was the _push_ she needed so she could finally say what she needed to say.

"Hey," her voice trembled just a little bit, wishing Alex could be beside her right now but knowing she had to do this one on her own this time. "I'm _back_. When I left, I wished I'd never have to see you again. But that was only because I was decided on never coming back here. It was never because I wanted to be back and have you already _gone_."

Piper's tears were now falling effortlessly, and she made no move to stop them, only wiping her eyes so her sight wouldn't be blurred. "I don't know if it's pathetic or what, but despite all the anger I felt for you all those times, there was still a part of me that kept wishing that one day, I'd still feel the love I'd wanted from you for so long. I guess that's never happening now, huh?"

"I never understood everything that happened. I still don't. I don't understand _why_. But maybe there are really things that are never meant to be understood and just be _accepted_. And maybe this is it for me."

"It wasn't easy coming here, having to face you even if it meant me just talking to a _stone_. It's never easy, because you're still _hurting_ me, just like you've always had. But the difference is... now I'm ready to move past it. I'm ready to let all of this go."

"So, I'm sorry... for hating you most of my life. But I'm done, and I came here to tell you that. And also to tell you that I _forgive_ you... for all of it. And this time, I'm doing this for myself. Because right now, I'm really, really, _really_ happy and that's all I want to feel from now on."

Piper then paused, surprised that the she could _immediately_ feel the effects of what she just said. It felt like a huge weight was taken off her shoulders, and she felt so light she felt like she was floating.

"So... this is probably it for us. I don't know if I'd come back again but if I do, I promise to bring Danny and Cal with me. And just so you know, I still love you, Mom... despite everything. I love you, and I hope you finally rest in peace. Goodbye, Mom."

And as Piper turned around, immediately looking at Alex who was looking back at her with a smile and a look that showed just how _proud_ she was of her, she felt that she wasn't only walking away from her mother's grave, but also from the past that controlled her for so long. It felt so _good_ and _liberating_ that finally, she could truly move on.

And with the sight of the present and future she only needed, which was _Alex_ , Piper knew that she's never felt _better_ than how she was feeling right this exact moment.

-o-o-o-

Alex and Piper were back at their hotel room, just lying side by side on the bed, both looking at the ceiling. They had stayed at Bill's for a few more hours after they went back there from the cemetery, trying to catch up with each other's lives, mostly just him asking questions about Piper's life, and Alex's, too. It wasn't a fully repaired relationship but it was on its way there and with the short span this process took, maybe it wouldn't take long to reach that destination.

"How are you feeling?" asked Alex who had now turned to her side to face Piper.

The blonde did the same and she gave Alex such a sweet, genuine smile that made Alex's chest flutter. "I'm feeling really great. I didn't think it would be that... _easy_. But just looking at him like that, _speaking_ to my mom, and then looking back to everything that has happened since I don't know when, I just knew... that I don't want a life filled with anger anymore," Piper exhaled, feeling so _light_ having removed the weight off her shoulders. She then scooted closer to Alex, wrapping around her girlfriend's waist as she looked her in the eye. "Thank you."

Alex, who was twirling a few strands of Piper's hair on her fingers at that time, then stopped and looked at Piper as if she was just messing with her. "For what? I just _stood_ there."

"Yeah, and that was more than enough for me. If you weren't there I probably wouldn't have lasted ten seconds in front of him. I would have left as soon as I saw that house and I would have never gone to see Carol. So thank you, for not making me do all that alone."

Piper leaned in towards Alex as she pressed a chaste kiss on her lips, feeling Alex smile into the kiss. It was one of Piper's favourite things whenever she'd kiss Alex. It wasn't just the kiss itself but how Alex reacted to it.

"I'm really happy for you, you know that?"

Piper nodded, the lightness she was feeling radiating off of her body, made more evident by the smile on her face. "I know," she whispered, bringing her face to settle at the crook of Alex's neck, their arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled together.

"Why didn't you stay, though? At your old house. You could've spent the night with him, get to know more about his life."

"And what, sleep without you? Not gonna happen. I want to be wherever you are."

Alex chuckled, knowing Piper's happiness was the reason she was being extra _mushy_ again. "That's just clingy, Pipes."

"Oh, fuck off," Pipe shoved Alex playfully, earning another sound of laughter emanating from Alex's lips.

"Plus, who said anything about you sleeping without me? I would have stayed with you there, slept in your old room. We could have fucked in your old bed!" Alex said, fake regret filling her face, all the while enjoying how Piper was looking at her at that exact moment. Her lips were curved into a smile, her eyes shining so bright they could make the stars outside look _dull_.

Piper looked _beautiful_ and Alex had never been _more_ in-love with her than right now.

"Oh God, no. I have so many terrible memories in that room," said Piper, her face scrunched into a grimace.

"All the more reason we should have done it, I mean, you know, to make new memories, more beautiful ones... those _worth remembering_."

"Yeah? I'm already doing that with you now, anyway."

Alex then pulled Piper even closer to her, Piper's body now almost draped all over her. She loved these kinds of moments with Piper, just doing practically _nothing_ and yet that nothing meant so much more than if she was doing something _without_ her.

She loved being with Piper and for a split second, she thought of the word _forever_ , and if that was possible with them. Surprisingly, the answer came so easily because _of course_ , a _forever_ with Piper was possible.

Just the thought of that made Alex lift Piper's chin with two of her fingers, before kissing her passionately and filled with all the love she could give.

When they finally felt the need for air, they pulled apart, smiles etched on both their faces. There was no denying this had been a great day and Alex knew there were many more _great_ days to come. And she couldn't wait for it. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I can't wait to go back home, where we can start a _new_ life and make so much more memories together. Yeah?" she then asked in the end, wanting to know that this was what Alex wanted, too.

"That sounds like such a _really_ great plan, Pipes."

And with that, they kissed again and then they let the night pass by as they stayed tangled together, until they've succumbed to their drowsiness that they always seemed to want to fight whenever they were together. So they slept with smiles on their faces, their excitement for the future ahead of them even reaching their dreams.

It had been such an exhausting day. It had been such an exhausting last few years, not only for them as a couple but for them as individuals. But now, they knew that as they'd wake up tomorrow, all the pain they've felt in the past, all the tears they've shed and all the days they've spent thinking life would _never_ be better for them anymore, all of those would be replaced with new memories they were going to create together.

It hadn't been an easy life for Piper.

Life was never a walk in the park for Alex.

They would have chosen to forget every pain that the past had caused them. But they _wouldn't_... because those broken roads that the past had created for them were what led them to each other.

And funnily enough, all those pains were suddenly _worth it_.

-o-o-o-

 **A/N:**

I'm not sure if I'm going to add an epilogue to this but I want to (because I want Red, Lorna and Nicky to be at the end, too), I'm just really not sure if time would permit me to write one. So, I'm still going to mark this as 'Complete' just in case I won't be able to.

Anyway, hopefully this ending is satisfying enough. Thank you again for all the love. You guys are amazing!

And for those following Always and Forever, I'm still going to continue that, so hopefully you'd be patient enough to wait for the next chapter. =)

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **THIS CHAPTER IS ALSO DEDICATED TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE STUCK WITH ME UNTIL THE VERY END. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. *HEART EYES***

 **elliellie1,** Thank you so much! Hope you like this one. =)

 **Guest (love it),** Thank you! =)

 **RJVause,** Yes, I think you all deserve it. Haha. Thank you for that wonderful review! And by the way, I just want to tell you how much I love your stories. I'm sorry that I haven't gotten to post any review on them yet but I'm gonna start working on that soon. Please keep'em coming! =)

 **izzielg,** Haha, yes. And now, we've reached the end (probably) thank you so much for that review! =)

 **Guest (nice surprise),** I didn't expect that I could update that soon, too. But then again, this one was a little late so apologies for that. Haha. And I'm glad that this has cheered you up a little. Yes, the recent events that had happened to so many people all over the world was heartbreaking. =( Thank you for that wonderful review. =)

 **Guest (seriously love this),** I'm really happy to know that! And I'm even happier that you stuck with it until the very end. Thank you! And I'm really happy with you and your girlfriend, please say hi to her for me. Haha! =)

 **Budda1127,** Thank you so much! And you totally made my day as well with your review! =)

 **Guest (who hasn't reviewed in a while),** No need for apologies! I'm just glad to know you've reached until the very end of this story. And knowing you've read this a couple of times just made my day, oh my gosh thank you very much! =)) Have a great day as well!

 **DR75,** You are very much welcome! And thank you as well. =)

 **Guest (loved this chapter),** Thank you for letting me know all the parts that you loved! I'm also glad that I had made you laughed. You made me smile, just so you know. =)

 **WB79,** Aw, thank you. That truly means a lot! =)

 **schillingarmy,** Hey, don't worry about it. Just knowing you're still reading is good enough for me. Thank you so much! Have a nice day as well. =)

 **FFChik,** Haha, I'm glad you loved that part. Thank you so much for another wonderful review! =)

 **oitnbaddict,** Haha, I'm glad you've remembered to log in! And I totally agree, I hope we see that in canon, too. Thank you for the review, as always it made me smile. =)

 **alexis,** Hi Alexis! Are you a new reviewer? Haha, just kidding. =) Anyway, you have no idea how happy you've made me knowing you've read a few chapters a couple of times. And now you do. Haha. I apologize again for the lack of Janis. I'm thinking about writing a new fic just about her, probably a crossover between Friends and OITNB. =)) Anyway, thank you for that wonderful review. I can't believe I'm being so formal with you but oh well. And I'm happy you love that song, too. The person who recommended it is _that_ great, if you know what I mean. +))

 **Guest (looove it),** Thank youuu! =)

 **Kojojo,** I'm glad you find my version of Alex and Nicky's friendship funny. Thank you! =)

 **Vausemaniac,** Hey there! Thank you for always leaving a review on every chapter, that is so sweet of you and I appreciate it very much! Your reviews always make my heart melt and I'm honestly gonna miss reading them. Knowing your inputs on some _scenes_ is really awesome and if I could reply to each one of those, I totally would. Haha. Again, thank you so much! Have a wonderful day! =)

 **huggerguest,** Haha, I'm really glad to know that so now I'm gonna have to dance with you! Thanks for that review. You are wonderful! =)

 **Guest (who's recently just started this fic),** I'm glad to 'meet' a new reader! Hello! Haha. I'm glad you've liked it so far. =)

 **Guest (i'm not sure if you're the same one above lol),** I'm really not sure if you're the same reviewer as the one above but if you are, thank you so much! If not, thanks as well and I'm sorry for the mistake. Haha. =)

 **Guest (again, I'm not sure if you're the same as the two reviews above this haha),** Wow, that was such a mind-blowing review! You have no idea how many times I've read your review it was awesome and I feel so flattered. I'm so glad you think all of those things and I'm also happy that somehow you've seen the 'coming full circle' with those two, like how they're rewriting everything except this time they're making it better. You've worded it beautifully and thank you so much for that! And also about the replies, thank you for such great compliments. It's wonderful knowing I'm your favourite. I think I'm blushing a little. Haha. =)

 **sweetlikevanillais,** Thank you so much! =)

 **Marauder-Lu,** Thank you! It honestly doesn't matter if you haven't left a review, reading this is good enough for me and I'm really grateful for that. So thank you for all the reviews you've left, I appreciate all of them. =)

 **Guest (loved this story),** Wow, thank you for that review! It was wonderful! =)

 **CosmoKiwi,** Thank you very much! And I'm sorry if you're not a huge fan of my writing, haha. I'm just glad you still read this despite that. Thanks again! =)


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